Verses of the Stipid Darf... [Archive] - Absolute Write Water Cooler

ResearchGuy

05-04-2005, 11:44 PM

Proving that I have way too much time on my hands, kindly consider adding a chapter to

Darf Spline Verses the Stipid Zobmis

A Novel

www.umbachconsulting.com/DarfSpline.pdf (http://www.umbachconsulting.com/DarfSpline.pdf)

The only rule is to pick it up where it left off and run with it for a (short) chapter. Gotta do this one at a time, though, so take a number.

Here is the precis:

Intrepid adventurer Darf Spline journeys across space, time, and alternate dimensions in his quest to vanquish the rhyme-averse Stipid Zobmis. Enter a world where things are not as they seem, except for the stuff that is as it seems just because some stuff has to be ordinary or it is too hard to keep the story straight.

Darf’s most fearsome weapon (to the rhyme-averse Zobmis, but not to anyone else or the story would not work very well) is the rhyming couplet, kinda like Richard Wilbur’s translation of Moliere’s Tartuffe, or like The Rape of the Lock or An Essay on Man by Alexander Pope. Maybe not REAL rhyming couplets for Darf, which are kind of a lot of work, but you know, two lines that rhyme. Or pretty much rhyme. Enough to annoy the Stipid Zobmis.

I have written (to use the term loosely) Chapter 1.

--Ken

robeiae

05-05-2005, 01:35 AM

Darf Spline Verses the Stipid Zobmis

A Novel

Intrepid adventurer Darf Spline journeys across space, time, and alternate dimensions in his quest to vanquish the rhyme-averse Stipid Zobmis. Enter a world where things are not as they seem, except for the stuff that is as it seems just because some stuff has to be ordinary or it is too hard to keep the story straight.
Why am I thinking of Buckaroo Banzai? Is this trademark infringement?

To plublish or not to plublish
That is the question
Whether 'tis nobler to spline
Or to review in kind
To read the stipid thread
And listen to the Dead
To rejoice for the free five
And ignore the grumbling hive
To sell mine work at door
Since it's not in any store
To lie for seven years
Try to cover all my tears
But plublished author am I!
(though the Stooges may yet fry)

Rob

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 01:42 AM

I have written (to use the term loosely) Chapter 1. OMG, Ken, I think you are the new sentence-length king! In fact, I am almost positive you've beaten the record set by the famous championship tag team of James Fenimore Cooper and Charlotte Brontë in the hotly contested Victorian Descriptive Surfeit Sentence Length Grudge Match of 18XX against the legendary and previously undefeated triumvirate of William Makepeace Thackeray, George Eliot, and Charles Dickens.

Translation: Way to go!

Kris
PS. How does one add on to a .pdf?

ResearchGuy

05-05-2005, 01:52 AM

...Translation: Way to go!

Kris
PS. How does one add on to a .pdf?
Gracias. Periods are so overrated.

As for adding to pdf: I can add to the Word file and then make a new pdf and reupload. (Those who choose to play can email me a contribution. But to make it work, each new contributor should be building on all that has gone before. A foundation of sand, of course ...) But if folks want, I can post the .doc file and they can roll their own. There are ways to concatenate pdfs, but I have never learned how.

--Ken

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 02:00 AM

As for adding to pdf: I can add to the Word file and then make a new pdf and reupload. Understand. I may take a stab at it, when my wrist comes out of traction; I think I hurt it on that last sentence.

Kris

ResearchGuy

05-05-2005, 03:15 AM

A Stipid Zobmi. Or Stipid Zobmi's dog Shemp.

http://www.umbachconsulting.com/StipidZobmi.jpg

--Ken

Sher2

05-05-2005, 03:27 AM

Thieves that hath suck'd the honey of thy novel,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty:
Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson in thy pages, and in thy cover,
And Death's pale flag is dollar advanced there.

Shemp, ly'st thou there in thy bloody sheet?
O, what more perfidy can you do to me,
Than with that hand that cut thy royalties in twain,
To sunder his that was thine enemy?
Forgive me, art! Ah, dear novel,
Why art thou yet so fair! I will believe
That unsubstantiated sale is amorous;
And that the lean abhorred Frederick monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour.

For fear of that, I will stay still with thee;
And never from this townhouse of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy printers; O, here
Will I be their everlasting pest;
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh -- Eyes, look your last!

Arms, take your last embrace! and lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A resonant bargain to darfing death!
Come, bitter ladder, come unsavoury echelon!
Thou desperate pirate, now at once run on
The dashing rocks my sea-sick weary aurora!
Here's to my novel!--[Drinks.] O, true apothecary!
Thy Arsenic Zobmis are quick.--Thus with a wink I drink."

Ken Schneider

05-05-2005, 05:31 AM

HEY! yes you, Ken. How do you post a picture in your message. I'm web savvy challenged.

ResearchGuy

05-05-2005, 06:12 AM

HEY! yes you, Ken. How do you post a picture in your message. I'm web savvy challenged.
Since someone (Jenna, I think) took pity on me and explained that recently, allow me to pass the favor along. Click on the little postcard/mountainy image above the text box, in the same row with the B and I and U and other formatting stuff, a little to the right of the middle of that row. Then plug in the URL when the javascript box pops up. (You have to have the image posted on a website.) You should see the image start to load immediately.

--Ken

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 06:22 AM

this townhouse of dim nightObviously, this must be where they keep the bed of woe.

Friends, Romans, Authors, lend me your ears!
I come to bury PA, not to praise it.
The evil that a scam does lives after it,
That reputation oft besmears the author,
So let it not be with PA. The noble Jim
Hath told you that PA is dishonest.
It is so, and it is a grievous fault,
And grievously hath PA answer'd it.
Here, without leave of Shemp and the PA Stooges
(For the Stooges are stipid scammers,
So are they all, all stipid scammers)
Come I to speak to PA's innocent authors.
PA was never my friend, is faithful and just to none,
And Uncle Jim says it is a scam,
And unlike PA, Uncle Jim hath no reason to lie.
PA hath taken many captive authors home to Maryland,
Whose author purchases did the PA coffers fill.
Does this in PA seem honorable?
When that the authors hath cried, the stooges hath laughed.
They cheat the author who hath yet to learn PA's guff.
Yet Shemp says PA is not a scam,
And Shemp is an inveterate PA booster.
You all did see that on the PA board
Shemp twice did shuffle off this mortal coil.
Was this in Shemp true dealing?
Yet Nighty Lady says he was in danger.
And sure he was in danger: of being forgotten.
Listen to Uncle Jim, who says PA is a scam,
For Uncle Jim has no reason to lie.

Your turn.

Kris

Sher2

05-05-2005, 06:29 AM

Obviously, this must be where they keep the bed of woe.

Friends, Romans, Authors, lend me your ears!
I come to bury PA, not to praise it.
The evil that a scam does lives after it,

Your turn.

Et tu!

Give me a few minutes.

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 06:34 AM

Et tu!
Give me a few minutes.Take all night, I think between the Sentence Length Olympics and the Shakespeare Channeling Dash, my muse has fled until, oh, say...tomorrow.

I bet you're taking Hamlet. Are you taking Hamlet? I've got dibs on The Merchant of Venice (unless you've already started, of course.) EDIT: Oops, my stipid--the esteemed Robeiae already DID Hamlet. Robeiae, got another one?.

Do we need a Bard Parody thread?

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 06:46 AM

A Stipid Zobmi. Or Stipid Zobmi's dog Shemp.I'm sorry, Ken, but even with your clever Adobe [TM] PhotoShop [TM] manipulation, that is still WAY too cute to be a zobmi, stipid or otherwise.

Kris

Sher2

05-05-2005, 06:54 AM

Take all night, I think between the Sentence Length Olympics and the Shakespeare Channeling Dash, my muse has fled until, oh, say...tomorrow.

I bet you're taking Hamlet. Are you taking Hamlet? I've got dibs on The Merchant of Venice (unless you've already started, of course.) EDIT: Oops, my stipid--the esteemed Robeiae already DID Hamlet. Robeiae, got another one?.

Do we need a Bard Parody thread?

My muse stays gone half the time, so I'm on my own.

Wrong amundo! I grabbed Antony et Cleopatra. As such:

The pirate barge she sat in, like a burnish’d throne,
Burn’d on the water; the poop was of other peoples' gold;
Black the sails, and so perfumed that
The winds barely carried the stench; the oars were silver,
Which to the tune of keyboards kept stroke, and made
The water which they beat to follow faster,
As amorous of their strokes. For Miranda's own person,
It beggar’d all description.

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 07:15 AM

...It beggar’d all description. Man, ain't THAT the truth!

To continue with the same play:

Newbie: What manner o' thing is your PA author?
Stooge: It is shap'd, sir, like itself, and it is as broad as it hath breadth. It is just so high as it is, and buys its own books with its own money. It giveth us profit by that which giveth it hope, and the money once out of it, it transmigrates.
Newbie: What color is it?
Stooge: Of its own color, too.
Newbie: 'Tis a wonderful source of wealth.
Stooge: 'Tis so, and the tears of it are wet.

[With my apologies to the crocodile that starred in the original]

Kris

Sher2

05-05-2005, 07:22 AM

Newbie: What manner o' thing is your PA author?
Stooge: It is shap'd, sir, like itself, and it is as broad as it hath breadth. It is just so high as it is, and buys its own books with its own money. It giveth us profit by that which giveth it hope, and the money once out of it, it transmigrates.
Newbie: What color is it?
Stooge: Of its own color, too.
Newbie: 'Tis a wonderful source of wealth.
Stooge: 'Tis so, and the tears of it are wet.

[With my apologies to the crocodile that starred in the original]

The crocodile will get over it. They're tough, you know.

Moving on -- snippets from Twelfth Night:

Many a good Googling prevents a bad scamming.
(Trust me, I like the original much better.;))

If books be the food of love, write on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That PA again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my nose like the vile smell
That breathes upon a naive author,
Stealing and giving odour!

If PA were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.

I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you, churlish Stooges.

'Tis evil, truly bent, whose black aurora
Poz's own stinking, cunning hand laid on:
Lady Moe, you are the cruell'st she alive
If you will lead these novels to the grave
And leave the world no copy.

Ken Schneider

05-05-2005, 07:23 AM

Since someone (Jenna, I think) took pity on me and explained that recently, allow me to pass the favor along. Click on the little postcard/mountainy image above the text box, in the same row with the B and I and U and other formatting stuff, a little to the right of the middle of that row. Then plug in the URL when the javascript box pops up. (You have to have the image posted on a website.) You should see the image start to load immediately.

--Ken

Thanks Ken.
Ken

ResearchGuy

05-05-2005, 07:33 AM

I'm sorry, Ken, but even with your clever Adobe [TM] PhotoShop [TM] manipulation, that is still WAY too cute to be a zobmi, stipid or otherwise.
Well, sure, with the FANGS retracted.

:-)

--Ken

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 07:39 AM

That PA again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my nose like the vile smell
That breathes upon a naive author:ROFL:

Lady Moe, you are the cruell'st she alive
If you will lead these novels to the grave
And leave the world no copy.:roll:

Many a good Googling prevents a bad scamming.
(Trust me, I like the original much better.;))
The original was going to be the first dirty Shakespeare quote I was going to use in my sig--glad you like it! It IS awesomely bawdy.

Okay, REALLY done for the night.

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 07:44 AM

I'm sorry, Ken, but even with your clever Adobe [TM] PhotoShop [TM] manipulation, that is still WAY too cute to be a zobmi, stipid or otherwise.Well, sure, with the FANGS retracted. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteROFL.gif http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoteHail.gif http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/smileyflag.gif
Kris

Ken Schneider

05-05-2005, 07:56 AM

Hath not thy stinging arrow drawn the will to write from my body?

Thee hath stolen what I rent to the world by toil and in love?

Cut my dreams from asunder my hopes to leave me trembling, a body tattered and wretched?

Lied in the face of a trusting soul, for the purpose of adding one more piece of gold to your purse?

Drawn multitudes into your arms with false love, and tossed them into the raging fire when thy true face is revealed?

Bring thy sword, and thy quiver with thee. Arm thyself against the flood of men who would return from the depths whence you banished them.

For men will rise up in the face of evil, band together for the cause of good, slice the heads from the hydra one by one, but a scratch at a time, until the heads fall from great heights to tumble into a sea of scorn.

Thy wounds bleed, thy battle will be long, though now thy blood does weep from you but a drop at a time. The sun will rise to meet a new day when thee shall lie pronate upon the hollowed ground which thy authors hath prepared a feast in celebration or your demise.

Sher2

05-05-2005, 08:10 AM

The original was going to be the first dirty Shakespeare quote I was going to use in my sig--glad you like it! It IS awesomely bawdy.

Okay, REALLY done for the night.

Nighty-night. I'm still trying to coax the "other" Bard into the fray.

One more, from Richard II, and I'm done, too.

This royal den of thieves, this redbrick townhouse, This affront to majesty, this arse of Mars, This anti-Eden, no paradise, This fortress built by Stooges for themselves, Against detection by the hand of law, This scummy breed of grifters, this little world, This precious tome stolen for silver pieces, Which hoards it in the office of a conman, Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of much happier houses,— This blessed plot, these tax laws, this realm, this Maryland.

Sher2

05-05-2005, 08:11 AM

For men will rise up in the face of evil, band together for the cause of good, slice the heads from the hydra one by one, but a scratch at a time, until the heads fall from great heights to tumble into a sea of scorn.

Thy wounds bleed, thy battle will be long, though now thy blood does weep from you but a drop at a time. The sun will rise to meet a new day when thee shall lie pronate upon the hollowed ground which thy authors hath prepared a feast in celebration or your demise.
Great job, Chang! :Trophy: I hate snipping these gems, but we gotta do it.

Ken Schneider

05-05-2005, 08:12 AM

Sher said:This fortress built by Stooges for themselves, Against detection by the hand of law, This scummy breed of grifters, this little world, This precious tome stolen for silver pieces, Which hoards it in the office of a conman, Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of much happier houses,— This blessed plot, these tax laws, this realm, this Maryland.

And, This ain't right.

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 08:21 AM

This royal den of thieves, this redbrick townhouse, This affront to majesty, this arse of Mars, This anti-Eden, no paradise, This fortress built by Stooges for themselves, Against detection by the hand of law, This scummy breed of grifters, this little world, This precious tome stolen for silver pieces, Which hoards it in the office of a conman, Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of much happier houses,— This blessed plot, these tax laws, this realm, this Maryland.Shack! (In Air Force-ese, that's a bomb run with a hit dead-center on the target.)

Kris

PS. I particularly liked the Judas/betrayal imagery of the silver pieces.

Sher2

05-05-2005, 08:22 AM

And, This ain't right.
Hell, no, it ain't. What are we going to do about it?

Sher2

05-05-2005, 08:23 AM

Shack! (In Air Force-ese, that's a bomb run with a hit dead-center on the target.)

Kris
Well, all righty, then -- where can we get one of those? :Smack:

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 08:30 AM

Shack! (In Air Force-ese, that's a bomb run with a hit dead-center on the target.)Well, all righty, then -- where can we get one of those? :Smack: Unfortunately, for some reason the Air Force has reservations about dropping live bombs on targets in the 50 states, no matter how many people's novels it would save. :). Now, if PA moved to an offshore location, perhaps we'd be able to get the DoD to consider action...

DOD Bombs POD/Film at 11!

Kris

Sher2

05-05-2005, 08:36 AM

Unfortunately, for some reason the Air Force has reservations about dropping live bombs on targets in the 50 states, no matter how many people's novels it would save. :). Now, if PA moved to an offshore location, perhaps we'd be able to get the DoD to consider action...

DOD Bombs POD/Film at 11!

Kris
Well, we suspect they'll be offshore sooner rather than later. Who wants to wait, though? Surely, we can sweet talk the Air Force into seeing things our way.:) Actually, I believe the teaser would be "Pissed-Off Prom Queens Bomb Poz/Film at 11!":roll:

PixelFish

05-05-2005, 08:42 AM

How about E. E. Cummings?

in Just-
spring when the publishing catalogues
are in brick-and-
mortar bookstores and PA
authors are

whistling in the dark

and MacdonaldandStraussandCrispin
all have books on the shelves'
they admonish the new author
that money flows to the author

and it's spring

and the world is full of books

the typos
would make any reader cringe
line by line
edit and larryandmoeandcurlem come dancing
around the truth

it's
spring
and
the
PA author

whistles
far

where is my royalty check

Okay. Sorry. That's the best I could do on short notice.

PixelFish

05-05-2005, 09:13 AM

Okay, not poetry at all. But...

http://www.lismitchell.net/misc/hiveofscum.jpg

Sher2

05-05-2005, 09:30 AM

How about E. E. Cummings?
it's
spring
and
the
PA author

whistles
far

where is my royalty check

Okay. Sorry. That's the best I could do on short notice.
No need for apologies. It ... resonates!

Sher2

05-05-2005, 09:51 AM

Okay, not poetry at all. But...

I love it!

DreamWeaver

05-05-2005, 08:11 PM

Okay, not poetry at all. But... http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoteThumbs.gif To quote a recent Foxtrot cartoon quoting the movie, "Obi-wan has taught you well."

Kris

Christine N.

05-05-2005, 08:27 PM

These are all so great. I'm not the poetry writing kind, I'm just enjoying you all having so much fun!

CaoPaux

05-06-2005, 03:21 AM

With abject apologies to Mr. Frost…

Two PODs emerged on a website page,
And sorry I could not pay for both
And be one author, long I stared
And Googled one as far as I dared
To where it lurked on the Internet;
Then took the other, just as sure,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was honest and vetted more;
Though as for that the authors’ store
Proved the quality about the same,
And both that morning equally stood
On terms no watchdog painted black.
Oh, I kept the first for another book!
Yet knowing how practice leads to good
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere pages and pages hence:
Two PODs emerged on a site, and I--
I took the one no fraud implied,
And that has made all the difference.

MacAllister

05-06-2005, 04:19 AM

(dang! This meter stuff is HARD!)

Listen my children and you shall hear

Of the games we play with author's fear,
We launch a leaky canoe, dub it "Pirate Ship";
Sell passage to writers 'stead of rejection slips,
They send us the books they hold so dear.

Put Shemp on board, so if the writers march
Against the rotten stooges, to regains book rights,
He'll send a signal up from the message board arch
From the author's lounge in the dark of night,--
One if by AW, and two if by darf;
And we can write a "tone" letter, and make 'em all barf,
Then info-center will spread the alarm
Through every Maryland village and farm,
For the good PA folk to be up and to arm.

Larry said "We'll LIE to them!" And then with muffled glee,
Shemp, he answered quickly, "Golly whillackers, and Gee,
It isn't really lying--we just won't tell the truth
We're now a mighty Pirate Ship, setting sail, Forsooth!"
Willem and Miranda cackled and rubbed their hands;
And ever so simply they hatched their wicked plans
"And anyone who protests, that's the guy we BAN!"
And ever so rotten, decency defied
They hatched their plot to take authors for a ride.

Meanwhile, the good guys, through alley and street
Wandered and watched, with cautious ears,
Till in the protests from Maryland they could hear
The protests and outcry of authors by the score,
The sound of tears, and the gnashing of teeth,
And the measured tread of the sleepless rooked,
Marching with their manuscripts, down to the shore.

Then our heroes climbed aboard, to take up the good fight:
Preditors & Editors, Macdonald, Strauss and Crispin,
and Absolute Write,
And flushed the rats up into the light
Made the villains show their hands
revealed the whole, sorry scheme,--
As just one more publishing scam.

WhisperingBard

05-06-2005, 04:45 AM

If I can stop one author signing,
I shall not resonate in vain;
If I can ease the stipid pining,
or darf the pain,
or help one fledgling writer
avoid the POZ-POD bane,
I shall not resonate in vain.

Sher2

05-06-2005, 04:47 AM

If I can stop one author signing,
I shall not resonate in vain;
If I can ease the stipid pining,
or darf the pain,
or help one fledgling writer
avoid the POZ-POD bane,
I shall not resonate in vain.
Oh, NOW you come out to play. LOL. I'm probably not playing much tonight; houseguests.

That's fabulous! I'm sure Emily would love it.

WhisperingBard

05-06-2005, 04:53 AM

Oh, NOW you come out to play. LOL.
*sniffs* It's so nice to be wanted...

Hey, ditch the house guests! :D

DreamWeaver

05-06-2005, 05:35 AM

O stipid scam, when wilt thou fail
[That] my lost book home might come?
Cripes! that my work were still my own
And not in that bed of scum.

After 'O Western Wind' by Anonymous. And you know, the short ones seem a lot more difficult to...adapt:)...than the longer ones!

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-06-2005, 05:38 AM

Hey, ditch the house guests! :DAnd bring the chips and dip with you when you come back, okay? http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/wink.gif

Sher2

05-06-2005, 05:56 AM

And bring the chips and dip with you when you come back, okay? http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/wink.gif
Done.;)

The bell darf invites me.
Hear it not, Curlem; for it is a knell
That summons thee to the IRS -- or to hell.

DreamWeaver

05-06-2005, 06:10 AM

I think the world will never see
My book in store or library
In fact, unless the Stooges fall
No one will see my book at all.

(Dip's great, by the way.)

Kris

WhisperingBard

05-06-2005, 06:51 AM

I'm plublished. Who are you?
Are you plublished, too?
Then there's a pair of us - bloody hell!
They're darfing us, you know.

How dreary to be PAuthors!
How wretched, doomed to fail,
To hawk your book the livelong day
and never make a sale!
:snoopy:

Sher2

05-06-2005, 06:35 PM

'You spotted snakes with double tongue,
Thorny Stoogehogs, be not seen;
Shemps and blind-worms do no wrong,
Come not near our Writing Queen.
PASucks, with melody,
Sing in our sweet lullaby,
Lulla, lulla, lullaby; lulla, lulla, lullaby;
Never harm, nor spell, nor charm,
Come our lovely Web site nigh;
So good night with lullaby.'

(from what used to be A Midsummer Night's Dream before it got all fractured)

DreamWeaver

05-06-2005, 08:29 PM

Thorny Stoogehogs...Ooh, I love that image. It works on so many levels.

Kris (I'm working on it! I'm working on it!)

HapiSofi

05-06-2005, 09:32 PM

This Is Just to Say

I have tied up
all rights
to the book
you wrote

the one
you expected
to see in
bookstores

Forgive me
I'm a con artist
and couldn't
be bothered

HapiSofi

05-06-2005, 09:36 PM

Larry, Larry, turn around,
Let my reversion rights rebound!

robeiae

05-06-2005, 09:47 PM

How about a parody of a real master:

There's a lady who sure
Her work should be sold
And she's buying three books now a week...

When she get's them, she knows
If the stores all say no
With a wink she can trade one for peanuts...

Rob (with profuse aplogies to L.Z.)

DreamWeaver

05-06-2005, 10:00 PM

Forgive me
I'm a con artist
and couldn't
be botheredUm, William Carlos Williams?

PixelFish

05-06-2005, 10:07 PM

Dreamweaver, yup. :)

Aren't these plums yummy?

MacAllister

05-07-2005, 12:07 AM

I was gonna do Donne's The Flea, but it very nearly works, as is, in terms of speaker's ulterior motives: somebody's gonna get scr*wed...

PixelFish

05-07-2005, 12:24 AM

Here's another riff on another one of my favourite poems:

When I was a connoisseuse of books
I would part the ivory pages, and look for the
name of the author and imagine mine in its place,
my own book, in a brick-and-mortar store,
spine facing outwards on the
shelves, or maybe on an endcap, depending on the
store manager's mercy. Make your dreams come true, said an ad in the paper,
for Vantage Press, pay to be published,
but I was not interested in that. What I liked
was to check the mail, imagine my manuscript on the editor's desk,
pencilled and dog-eared,
until the rejection returned and snapped me out of my fantasy.
My dreams were only temporarily crushed--yes, I stopped writing for
a while, and yes, I thought, maybe I'm not good enough.
Years later, when I first saw a PA novel, laminate-curling, overpriced,
I gasped with shock to see that sad
tragedy reenacted, the new
and naive author coming out of hiding and
proud in the dark air, eager and so
trusting you could weep.

Sher2

05-07-2005, 12:26 AM

Dreamweaver, yup. :)

Aren't these plums yummy?
They are ALL divinely yummy.

Mac, go with the Flea -- it'll work.

From The Tempest, modernized (and bastardized):

Watch these yellow heathens pander,
And raise up your dander:
Court'sied when you have, and kiss'd, --
The Stooge's arse whist, --
Foot it featly here and there;
And, sweet sprites, the burthen bear.
Hark! hark!
Bow, wow.
The watch-dogs bark:
Bow, wow. Hark, hark! I hear
The strain of fleeing Stooges here
Cry, Cock-a-diddle-dow!

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 02:45 AM

Aren't these plums yummy?They're almost as good as the plums at Slushkiller. Have you tasted those? :)

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 02:49 AM

...and her Scarlet Pimpernel.

A typo here, a typo there,
My book has typos everywhere!
Why am I in typo hell?
'Cause PA's spell check just can't spell.

The huge advantage being, the original wasn't MEANT to be good poetry, so how can you go wrong http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif?

Kris

PixelFish

05-07-2005, 03:02 AM

They're almost as good as the plums at Slushkiller. Have you tasted those? :)

Kris

Yes, I heart the Slushkiller.

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 03:43 AM

Part I

Pages written, pages printed,
Cover letter's story hinted
At the hope which all has tinted
With no loving labor stinted,
Sent to Scamalot.
But who hath seen her blush in glory,
When she finds they've bought her story,
How was she to know the gory
Tales of Scamalot?

Part II

Dreams she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colors gay.
But she hears a whisper say,
All is not based on fair play
There at Scamalot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she worketh steadily,
To promote her fantasy,
Sold by Scamalot.

Part III

But then her novel went on sale,
And bookstores would not stock her tale.
While minions sent her rude email,
Her hopes and dreams began to fail,
Killed by Scamalot.
Then by some luck she found a place
Where writers welcomed her with grace
To learn the truth and rest a space
Ere fighting Scamalot.

I couldn't get the short lines to stay indented; can anyone tell me how to do that?
Kris

Sher2

05-07-2005, 03:44 AM

But then her novel went on sale,
And bookstores would not stock her tale.
While minions sent her rude email,
Her hopes and dreams began to fail,
Killed by Scamalot.
Then by some luck she found a place
Where writers welcomed her with grace
To learn the truth and rest a space
Ere fighting Scamalot.

You have truly outdone yourself this time. Bravo!

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 03:47 AM

When I was a connoisseuse of books
I would part the ivory pages, and look for the
name of the author and imagine mine in its place,
...
I gasped with shock to see that sad
tragedy reenacted, the new
and naive author coming out of hiding and
proud in the dark air, eager and so
trusting you could weep.
I love it, but I'll 'fess up: I can't place it. Give me a hint? (A LARGE hint? :))
Kris, leafing through her poetry books for first lines starting When I was a...

Sher2

05-07-2005, 04:09 AM

InPAvictus

Out of the aurora night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I beg whatever gods may be
For my unpublished soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have winced and whined and cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My novel is POD, not B&N allowed.

Beyond this place of splines and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of seven years
Finds, and shall find, me fighting, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the printer's gate,
How charged with banishments the scroll,
I AM the master of my fate:
I SHALL BE the captain of my soul.

PixelFish

05-07-2005, 04:22 AM

Dreamweaver: Think VERY modern. (I first ran into this poetess in one of my Nortons, I think, but I could be wrong.) If you can't figure it out, try googling the first line minus the word "books". :)

PS. The poetess is local to San Francisco as well. I don't know if that will help, but I walked into a local bookstore and saw a framed poem of hers on the wall, signed.

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 05:09 AM

Dreamweaver: Think VERY modern.Found it! I thought maybe I'd been sleeping in class when we covered that poem, but I don't feel so bad now. Turns out I was out of school several years before her first book was published.

I do like her imagery. I checked out some of her other poems, and thought they were very interesting, oftentimes quite surprising.

But you know, I really really dislike slugs and I HAVE to get that last comparison from the Connoisseuse poem out of my head :).

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 05:20 AM

InPAvictus
...
It matters not how strait the printer's gate,
How charged with banishments the scroll,
I AM the master of my fate:
I SHALL BE the captain of my soul. Verily thou hath earned the right: proclaim now: Veni, vidi, vici!

Kris

Sher2

05-07-2005, 05:25 AM

Verily thou hath earned the right: proclaim now: Veni, vidi, vici!

Kris
If only. LOL.

Hey, what happened to your siggie quote? I was getting such a kick out of seeing it on your posts. If only someone had thrown a good hanging... ;)

PixelFish

05-07-2005, 05:31 AM

Found it! I thought maybe I'd been sleeping in class when we covered that poem, but I don't feel so bad now. Turns out I was out of school several years before her first book was published.

I do like her imagery. I checked out some of her other poems, and thought they were very interesting, oftentimes quite surprising.

But you know, I really really dislike slugs and I HAVE to get that last comparison from the Connoisseuse poem out of my head :).

Kris

Heh. I hope it doesn't cause you too much trouble. :)

PixelFish

05-07-2005, 06:03 AM

Oh, and here's one more. (Not from a poem.)

I found it inscribed on tablets of formica. I have abridged it with mine own hand, and thus lay it before you:

1 AND it came to pass that we had gathered together all manner of authors of every genre.

2 And it came to pass that while Jenna tarried in the wilderness she spake unto us, saying: Behold, I have dreamed a dream; or, in other words, I have seen a vision.

3 And behold, because of the thing which I have seen, I have reason to rejoice in the world of publishing because of Uncle Jim and also of Victoria; and also of Ann, and Dave, and many other writers, for I have reason to suppose that they, and also many of their books, will be published.

4 But behold, my poor chickadees, thou PA authors, I fear exceedingly for your books; for behold, methought I saw in my dream, a dark and dreary wilderness.

....And there were several verses here obscured by coffee stains...

9 And it came to pass after I had written many articles and books, I beheld a large and spacious store.

10 And it came to pass that I beheld a publisher, whose contracts were desirable to make one happy.

11 And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the contract thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before signed. Yea, and I beheld that the pages thereof were white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen.

12 And as I partook of the contract thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my fellow authors should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other contracts.

13 And as I cast my eyes round about, that perhaps I might discover my fellow authors also, I beheld a river of money; and it ran along, flowing only to the authors.

14 And I looked to behold from whence it came; and I saw the head thereof a little way off; and at the head thereof I beheld many authors; and they stood as if they knew not whither they should go.

15 And it came to pass that I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them with a loud voice that they should come write upon my message boards and share the fruits of my labour.

16 And it came to pass that they did come unto me and partake of the fruit also.

17 And it came to pass that I was desirous that all new writers should come and partake of our knowledge; wherefore, I cast mine eyes towards the head of the river, that perhaps I might see them.

18 And it came to pass that I saw them, but they would not come unto me and partake, for they had been rejected; yea, they had been wooed by Vantage Press, and ST, and Poetry.com, and even that great mother of abominations, PublishAmerica.

....more coffee stains.... 21 And I saw numberless concourses of authors, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the publishing of their novels and their poems and their non-fiction.

22 And it came to pass that they did come forth, and commence in the path which led to the publishing.

23 And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, that looked suspiciously like a website bearing the words, "We are a TRADITIONAL publisher," insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost.

....more strange stains here obscured the tablet of formica, possibly Jolt cola....
26 And I also cast my eyes round about, and beheld, on the other side of the river of money, a great and spacious pirate ship.

27 And it was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female; and their manner of writing was exceedingly diverse; and they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had questions, for they said, "We read the contract. We're satisfied with PublishAmerica. They never asked us for one dime."

28 And after the new writers had questioned, they fell into a deep sorrow, for they had received that most infamous of all epistles, the "Don't you take that tone with us" email.

29 And now I do not speak all the words of Jenna.

30 But, to be short in writing, (too late) behold, she saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and submitted manuscripts to reputable agents; and the agents did press their way forward, continually querying and submitting, until the new authors came forth and signed contracts and found their books at Barnes and Noble and every bookstore upon the face of the land.

31 And she also saw other multitudes feeling their way towards that great and spacious pirate ship.

32 And it came to pass that many books were drowned in the depths of bad contracts; and many books were lost from view, wandering in strange byroads until seven years had passed.

....the rest of the formica tablet is broken off, lost to the ravages of time....

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 06:03 AM

Hey, what happened to your siggie quote? I was getting such a kick out of seeing it on your posts. If only someone had thrown a good hanging... ;) I needed a conciliatory quote to go with a post in another thread. Don't worry, I've got another dirty one coming in the lineup. (Nudge nudge, wink wink)

The truth is, I think most folks assume a Shakespeare quote is something lofty and philosophical, so they can look straight at "a good hanging" and simply not see it.

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 06:11 AM

....the rest of the formica tablet is broken off, lost to the ravages of time....Gosh DARN that formica! If only they'd engraved the tablets on something modern, like Corian. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteSmack.gif

Marvelous that you could save so much. My hat's off to you, insomuch as to say it is not on my head, and I bow before your accomplishment.

Kris

PixelFish

05-07-2005, 06:18 AM

Gosh DARN that formica! If only they'd engraved the tablets on something modern, like Corian. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteSmack.gif

Marvelous that you could save so much. My hat's off to you, insomuch as to say it is not on my head, and I bow before your accomplishment.

Kris

Kris: There's a literary source for that one too. Mark Twain once referred to the original as "chloroform in print".

Sher2

05-07-2005, 06:34 AM

32 And it came to pass that many books were drowned in the depths of bad contracts; and many books were lost from view, wandering in strange byroads until seven years had passed.

....the rest of the formica tablet is broken off, lost to the ravages of time....
Beautiful! And it just goes to show, never trust formica.

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 06:34 AM

Kris: There's a literary source for that one too. Mark Twain once referred to the original as "chloroform in print".I figured it was from something, but since Mark Twain dissed some of my favorite authors I don't normally read his criticism :). I'll go take a look...you ARE keeping me busy!

Kris

Sher2

05-07-2005, 06:36 AM

Don't worry, I've got another dirty one coming in the lineup. (Nudge nudge, wink wink)

The truth is, I think most folks assume a Shakespeare quote is something lofty and philosophical, so they can look straight at "a good hanging" and simply not see it.

Kris
Yeah, what I said -- if only...;) :Ssh:

Gee, do you think I'm in a wicked, evil mood? :wag:

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 06:38 AM

I figured it was from something, but since Mark Twain dissed some of my favorite authors I don't normally read his criticism :). I'll go take a look...you ARE keeping me busy!Found it! Strangely, if I'd had to make a wild guess, once you told me Mark Twain, I probably would have gotten it within three guesses. But, they would definitely have been guesses!

Kris

PixelFish

05-07-2005, 06:44 AM

I figured it was from something, but since Mark Twain dissed some of my favorite authors I don't normally read his criticism :). I'll go take a look...you ARE keeping me busy!

Kris

Are you a Fenimore Cooper fan?

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 06:44 AM

Gee, do you think I'm in a wicked, evil mood? :wag: No, I just think you're channeling Mercutio tonight. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/tongue.gif

DreamWeaver

05-07-2005, 06:48 AM

Are you a Fenimore Cooper fan?And Jane Austen. Double jeopardy. :)

Kris

Ken Schneider

05-08-2005, 05:01 AM

P.A.
P.U.
C me
See u.
U sink
I wink
the end
I think.

DreamWeaver

05-08-2005, 06:03 AM

Not that I'm trying to give anyone ideas or anything (hint hint), but it occurs to me that the limerick is a wonderful and time honored poetic form for making pointed and, yes, let's face facts, rude comments. Perfect for this thread, n'est-ce pas? http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Unfortunately, I simply don't have the talent for limericks, but I feel sure someone around here has. Where are you hiding?

Kris http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/smilepopcorn.gif

Sher2

05-08-2005, 08:34 PM

Not that I'm trying to give anyone ideas or anything (hint hint), but it occurs to me that the limerick is a wonderful and time honored poetic form for making pointed and, yes, let's face facts, rude comments.

Unfortunately, I simply don't have the talent for limericks, but I feel sure someone around here has. Where are you hiding?

I'm not touching limericks, Dream. Sure as shootin' I'd say something that would get me in big trouble. I'll be in the mood to warp some poetry tonight, though. I think I'm in a Desdemona kind of mood.

But words are words; I never yet did hear
That the bruised heart was pierced through the ear.

PixelFish

05-08-2005, 10:07 PM

There once was a man from Fred'rick,
Who compiled a tome so thick,
Rejection letters aplenty
He had at least twenty
So he finally stopped mailing his brick.

Edit: There was another rhyme for Frederick, but....hehe, I think I'll save it for later. Unless somebody else wants to use it.

DreamWeaver

05-08-2005, 10:15 PM

I'm not touching limericks, Dream. Sure as shootin' I'd say something that would get me in big trouble.I know that feeling :).

Tonight's the big Mothers Day dinner, so I'll have to catch up on your barding tomorrow. Don't overdo it and sprain anything, hear ?http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

DreamWeaver

05-08-2005, 10:18 PM

Edit: There was another rhyme for Frederick, but....hehe, I think I'll save it for later. Unless somebody else wants to use it.If it's the one I'm thinking of, Shakespeare used it so it must be okay, right ;)?

(I'm thinking of Mercutio telling the nurse what time it is, in Romeo and Juliet.)

Kris

CaoPaux

05-08-2005, 10:35 PM

There once was a traditional publisher,
That printed it whether ‘twas rubbish, or
Coherently written
As long as ‘twas fittin’
To sell to the author so clubbish…er.

DreamWeaver

05-08-2005, 11:58 PM

There once was a traditional publisher,
That printed it whether ‘twas rubbish, or
Coherently written
As long as ‘twas fittin’
To sell to the author so clubbish…er.Oh my gosh! Clever AND clean! http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoteHail.gif

Kris

James D. Macdonald

05-09-2005, 12:09 AM

There once was a lass from Nantucket:
PA took her book called The Bucket.
It sold, near and far,
From the trunk of her car,
But as for the bookstores none tucket.

HapiSofi

05-09-2005, 03:19 AM

Why do people identify their originals? It takes all the fun out of the game.

WhisperingBard's "I'm plublished. Who are you?" is of course Emily Dickinson, and my "This Is Just to Say" is equally of course William Carlos Williams, and Robeiae's is even more of course "Stairway to Heaven;" whereas "Larry, Larry, turn around" is from the oral tradition.

PixelFish's lovely connoisseuse is Sharon Olds' "The Connoisseuse of Slugs": a very appropriate work.

DreamWeaver's long piece is "The Lady of Shalott," which reminds me that once, in the company of former English majors, I managed to explain with great delicacy just why I had a backache that day by murmuring, "Out sprang the web and floated wide, / The mirror crack'd from side to side ..."

I didn't need the "chloroform in print" tag to identify PixelFish's cod scripture. "I have abridged it with mine own hand" is enough all by itself. Or rather, it's enough all by itself if you find the following joke funny:Q. Why are crows black?

A. They refused to help the seagulls.If you don't catch that joke, odds are you won't identify that text.

To retaliate, very obscurely indeed:This is good mockery. It tastes good. I can taste the truth about POD publishing, and so can you. I know that when I tell you these words of advice for authors, you taste them, and I know that you believe them. You say honey is sweet, and so do I.Same author, different work.

Sher2

05-09-2005, 04:39 AM

Now Curlem bode in the burg of the prancers,
Leader unloved, and long he ruled
In infamy with all folk, since his minion had gone
Away from the world, till awoke after Easter,
Haughty Shemp, who plodded through life,
Ignorant but sturdy, the Stooges glad.
Then, one after one, there woke to him,
To the chieftain of printers, novel four:

Curlem, then Larry, then Moe-randa the girl;
And I heard that she was Curlem's queen,
And Jessica's helpmate dear.
To Janet was given such glory of war,
Such honor of combat, that all her kin
Obeyed her gladly till great grew her band
Of hopeful authors. It came in her mind
To bid her henchmen a hall uprear,
In a master printing house, mightier far
Than ever was seen by the sons of earth,
And within it, then, to old and young
She would all allot that Acquisitions had sent them,
Save only the land and the lives of her men.
Wide, I heard, was the work denigrated,
For many a tribe this mid-earth round,
To fashion the folkstead. It fell, as she ordered,
In rapid achievement that ready it stood there,
Of halls the noblest: Poz they named it
Whose message rang false in many a land.
Too reckless of promise, the tones they dealt,
No victuals at banquet: there towered the hall,
High, gabled wide, the hot surge waiting
For fleeting flame. Nor far was that day
When Stooge and author stood in feud
For warfare and hatred that woke again.
With envy and anger an evil spirit
Endured the dole in their dark abode...

James D. Macdonald

05-09-2005, 04:52 AM

To retaliate, very obscurely indeed:Same author, different work.

Folly? It's a discourse fit for a king!

MacAllister

05-09-2005, 06:18 AM

Infocenter called me by name, and said unto me that Shemp was a messenger sent from PA to me, and not to take that Tone with them; that I had my work cut out for me; and that my name should be famous, if only I'd get offa my butt and promote my book. Shopping malls, Holiday Inns, or JiffyLube should be good places to set up signings, and get more exposure among all people...(from HapiSofi's source)

DreamWeaver

05-09-2005, 06:24 AM

Why do people identify their originals? It takes all the fun out of the game.I don't know about other folks, but I started identifying the author in my posts in the hope of getting more people to play. Plus, I'm not an English major by any means, so the more obscure ones are way over my head. That's good--it makes them learning opportunities for me. However, that only works if someone gives me a hint so I can figure out where to find them. YMMV.

Kris

MacAllister

05-09-2005, 06:49 AM

Twisting and twisting on the end of the rope
The author cannot hear Infocenter;
The board falls apart; Infocenter cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the messageboard,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the implosion of PA is at hand.
The Second Coming of SHEMP! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the eastern US.

A shape of a book but the words are all jumbled,
Readers blank and pitiless as the sun,
Don't even look at it, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant writers and editors.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty years of lost sleep
spent writing this nightmare and giving it form,
And what rough prose, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Frederick to be born?

Sher2

05-09-2005, 06:49 AM

MacAllister

05-09-2005, 06:51 AM

:D I don't even have a book with 'em, but this is just so much fun...heh!

Sher2

05-09-2005, 06:51 AM

And what rough prose, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Frederick to be born?
Yeats. How perfect!

Ken Schneider

05-09-2005, 07:06 AM

There once was a guy named Larry,

who meet a girl that was hairy.

They meet a bald man, and started
a scam, which resonates, throughout
the land.

The cops are a chasin' the wise authors too,
We'll head for the Islands and drink us a brew.

We'll start a new company, one with
a new name, we'll play all these fools
the same way, the same game.

They went out the door and locked
it up tight. The FBI had them in handcuffs
that very same night.

Larry and hairy and baldy too,
stood in a line up of ,she done it, he done
it, no, it was you.

The cops told 'um quiet, It's time we begin,
11,000 unhappy authors, began to march in.

Yep that's them, they sounded off one by one.
it took them all night but finally it was done.

The judge sentenced them,
to terms of endearment, he made them
read every book that they printed.

Sher2

05-09-2005, 07:17 AM

The judge sentenced them,
to terms of endearment, he made them
read every book that they printed.
Dang, Chang,
You're a poet and didn't know it.;)

Sher2

05-09-2005, 07:35 AM

It was the pirate ship Poz,
That sailed the wint'ry sea;
And the skipper had taken his co-conspirators,
To bear him company.

The skipper he stood beside the helm,
His pipe was in his mouth,
And watched how the Jolly Roger did blow
Waving now West, now South.

Then up and spake an old Sailor,
Had sailed the Spanish Main,
"I pray thee put into yonder port,
For I fear a basher hurricane.

"Last night, the moon had a golden ring,
And tonight no moon we see!"
The skipper, he blew a whiff from his pipe,
And a scornful laugh laughed he.

Colder and louder blew the wind,
A gale from the North-east;
The snow fell hissing in the brine,
And the billows frothed like yeast.

Down came the storm, and smote amain
The vessel in its strength;
She shuddered and paused, like a frighted steed,
Then leaped her cable's length.

"Come hither! come hither! confederates in crime,
And do not tremble so;
For I can weather the roughest gale
Those rotten authors ever did blow."

He wrapped Moe-randa in his seaman's coat
Against the stinging blast;
He cut a rope from a broken spar,
And bound her to the mast.

"O Curlem! I hear the police sirens ring,
O say what may it be?"
"'Tis a worrisome author seeking royalties!"
And he steered for the open sea.

"O Curlem! I hear the sound of handcuffs,
O say what may it be?"
"Some basher board in distress, that cannot live
In such an angry sea!"

"O Curlem! I see a sheriff's writ,
O say what may it be?"
But Curlem answered never a word,
A frozen corpse was he.

Lashed to the helm, all stiff and stark,
With his face turned to the skies,
The lantern gleamed through the gleaming snow
On his fixed and glassy eyes.

Then the maiden clasped her hands and prayed
That saved she might be;
And she thought of Larry who stilled the wave
Swimming in the cold, cold sea.

And fast through the midnight dark and drear,
Through the whistling sleet and snow,
Like a sheeted ghost, the vessel swept
Towards the reef where the Poz would be laid low.

And ever the fitful gusts between
A sound came from the land;
It was the sound of 11,000 authors,
Cheering on the hard sea-sand.

DreamWeaver

05-09-2005, 08:43 AM

It was the pirate ship Poz,
That sailed the wint'ry sea Now there's a wonderful wreck :).

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-09-2005, 09:16 AM

Today we have spell checking manuscripts. Yesterday,
We had selection criteria. And tomorrow morning,
We shall have what to do after publication. But today,
Today we have spell checking manuscripts. Well-edited books
Glisten like coral in all the neighboring bookstores,
And today we have spell checking manuscripts.

This is the spell checking program. And this
Is the grammar checking program, whose results you will see,
When you are given your edited proofs. And this is the line-by-line edit,
Which in your case you have not got. The bookstores
Hold on their shelves well-made, eloquent tomes,
Which in our case we have not got.

This is the seven-year contract, which is never released
With an easy straightforward negotiation. And please do not let me
Hear anyone taking that tone with me. You can sell your book quite easy
If you only promote it properly. Other books in the bookstores
Are selling and being read, never needing anyone to
Take that tone with them.

And this you can see is the author special. The purpose of this
Is to open a breach, as you see. We can slide the author's
Credit card rapidly backwards and forwards: we call this
Charging the books. And rapidly backwards and forwards
The eager readers are choosing and buying books in the store;
They call it charging the books.

They call it charging the books; it is perfectly easy
If you have any of your books on the bookstore shelves. With the contract,
And the spell check, and the proofs, and the line-by-line edit,
Which in our case we have not got; and the avid readers
Silent in the gardens of the bookstore, not choosing our books,
For today we have spell checking manuscripts.

Ken Schneider

05-09-2005, 04:21 PM

[sher2]It was the pirate ship Poz,
That sailed the wint'ry sea;

Ha Ha.

Sher2

05-09-2005, 04:33 PM

They call it charging the books; it is perfectly easy
If you have any of your books on the bookstore shelves. With the contract,
And the spell check, and the proofs, and the line-by-line edit,
Which in our case we have not got; and the avid readers
Silent in the gardens of the bookstore, not choosing our books,
For today we have spell checking manuscripts.
Sweeeet!

PixelFish

05-10-2005, 01:40 AM

HapiSofi: Yay for chiasmus!

PS. I hadn't heard the seagull joke before. I will have to use it at the family reunion.

PixelFish

05-10-2005, 01:48 AM

I don't have time to do the full poem, but since we are waxing nautical:

O, Shemp stood on the burning deck
Whence all but he had fled;
The flame that lit up PA's dreck
Shone round him o'er the dead.

Sher2

05-10-2005, 04:31 AM

Then spake the Prom Queen to the Promsorts three:
‘The sequel of today unsolders all
The goodliest fellowship of famous knights
Whereof this world holds record. Such a sleep
They sleep–the men I loved. I think that we
Shall never more, at any future time,
Delight our souls with talk of outlaw deeds,
Walking about the rooms and the cubicles
Of Frederick's Poz, as in the days that were.
I renounce this evil contract which I made,–
Tho’ Moe-randa sware that she should come again
To rule once more–but let what will be, be,
I am so deeply wounded thro’ the soul
That without darfing I cannot last till morn.
Thou therefore take my pink prom dress, Excalibur,
Which was my pride: for thou rememberest how
In those old days, one spring noon, an arm
Rose up from out of the bosom of the restive PAS,
Clothed in white aurora, mystic, wonderful,
Holding the gown–and how I bow’d across
And took it, and have worn it, like a queen:
And, wheresoever I am sung or told
In aftertime, this also shall be known:
But now delay not: take the frock,
And fling it far into the middle mere:
Watch what thou seëst, and lightly bring me word.’

‘And if indeed I cast the dress away,
Surely a precious thing, one worthy note,
Should thus be lost forever from the earth,
Which might have pleased the eyes of many men.
What good should follow this, if this were done?
Promsort mused, what harm, undone? Deep harm to disobey,
Seeing obedience is the bond of rule.
Were it well to obey then, if a queen demand
An act unprofitable, against himself?
The queen is heartsick, and knows not what she does.
What record, or what relic of my lady
Should be to aftertime, but empty breath
And rumours of a amendment? But were this kept,
Stored in some treasure-house of imbecilic Stooges,
Someone might show it at a Kool-Aid bacchanal,
Saying, “The Prom Queen's gown, Excalibur,
Wrought by the lonely maiden of the Bus.
Through 50 states she wrought it, sitting in the deeps
Upon the hidden echelon springs of the seats.”
So might some conman speak in the aftertime
To all the people, seeking reverence.
But now much honour and much fame were lost.’

Ken Schneider

05-10-2005, 05:38 AM

The ship set sail from shores of this uncharted desert Isle, with
Moeligan, the skipper too,the Larryinaire and his bribe, the motivestar, The professor and Meinerann, here on cheatum all Isle.

DreamWeaver

05-10-2005, 09:37 AM

Thou therefore take my pink prom dress, Excalibur,
Which was my pride: for thou rememberest how
In those old days, one spring noon, an arm
Rose up from out of the bosom of the restive PAS,
Clothed in white aurora, mystic, wonderful,
Holding the gowname were lost.’Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing pink prom dresses is no basis for a system of echelon laddering. Supreme echelon power derives from a mandate from the posters, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can't expect to wield supreme Poz-busting power just 'cause some watery tart threw a pink prom dress at you!

Help, help, she's repressing me! She's repressing me!

Kris

Sher2

05-10-2005, 04:33 PM

HapiSofi

05-10-2005, 07:58 PM

O bravo, bravo, McAllister, and Sher2, most desirous of fame!

James D. Macdonald

05-10-2005, 08:33 PM

Dreamweaver, your Naming the Parts is totally brilliant.

(And Sher2, your Beowulf wasn't half bad either....)

oswann

05-10-2005, 09:39 PM

Also very close to Monty Python.

Os.

Sher2

05-10-2005, 09:54 PM

Also very close to Monty Python.
Os.
I thought so, too. In fact, 'twould not surprise me if that were the intent.

Sher2

05-10-2005, 10:06 PM

To darf, or not to darf: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous darfing,
Or to take arms against a darf of troubles,
And by opposing darf them? To darf: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we darf
The darf-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a darfing
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to darf;
To sleep: perchance to darf: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what darfs may come
When we have darfed off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the darfer
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and darfs of time,
The darfer's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of darfed love, the darf's delay,
The insolence of echelon darfdom and the spurns
That prancing merit of the unworthy darflings,
When he himself might his quietus darf
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels darf,
To grunt and sweat under a weary darf,
But that the dread of something after darf,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller darfs, puzzles the will
And makes us rather darf those ills we have
Than darf to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make darfers of us all;
And thus the native aurora of resonation
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of darfing,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their darfdom turn awry,
And lose the name of action.-- Darf it all!
The fair Darfphelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my darfs remember'd.

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 03:34 AM

To darf, or not to darf: that is the question I think I've ALMOST figured out what darf means, after this :). I mean the English 'darf', not the 'darf' in Jaws' native language. Strange that two languages would birth the same word with such incredibly different meanings! Of course, that could be completely wrong if I really haven't figured out what 'darf' means.The darf-ache Will Goody's Headache Powder work on a darf-ache? :D

Kris

Sher2

05-11-2005, 03:42 AM

I think I've ALMOST figured out what darf means, after this :). I mean the English 'darf', not the 'darf' in Jaws' native language. Strange that two languages would birth the same word with such incredibly different meanings! Of course, that could be completely wrong if I really haven't figured out what 'darf' means.Will Goody's Headache Powder work on a darf-ache? :D

Kris
I have pondered the question with great deliberation. My conclusion is that "darf" is one of those handy-dandy all-purpose words; i.e., it can mean whatever one wants it to mean. For example, it can just as easily be a declaration of love as a curse. It can serve as a disclaimer, or a warning, or a greeting. It can be hurled at one's enemy as the ultimate putdown, or whispered in a lover's ear. In short, it's just a darfin' nifty word.

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 04:00 AM

I have pondered the question with great deliberation. My conclusion is that "darf" is one of those handy-dandy all-purpose words; i.e., it can mean whatever one wants it to mean. For example, it can just as easily be a declaration of love as a curse. It can serve as a disclaimer, or a warning, or a greeting. It can be hurled at one's enemy as the ultimate putdown, or whispered in a lover's ear. In short, it's just a darfin' nifty word.Ah, a humpty-dumpty word...cool.

When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, `it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less.'
--Lewis Carroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass

Kris

Sher2

05-11-2005, 04:24 AM

Ah, a humpty-dumpty word...cool.

When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, `it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less.'
--Lewis Carroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass

Kris
You've cited the evidence to support the claim, Dream. It's now official -- "darf" is a darf of a darfing fine word.

Sher2

05-11-2005, 04:27 AM

Page by page, line by line,
No line-by-line went onward,
All in the valley of Poz
Rode the dollar forward.
Forward, the Angry Authors Brigade!
"Try to sell us our own books!" they said:
Into the valley of Poz
Rode the eleven thousand.

Forward, the Angry Authors Brigade!
To a man they were dismay'd,
Not tho' the authors knew
AuthorSupport had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Yours not to reason why,
Ours but to do and die:
Into the valley of Poz
Rode the eleven thousand.

Echelon ladder to right of them,
High-priced aurora to left of them,
Short discounts in front of them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with ink and swill,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Poz,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the eleven thousand.

Drained all their coffers bare,
Bloodied as they escaped the snare,
Usurping the special offer there,
Charged a usurious price, while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged into a pig-in-a-poke
They'd bought 'til they were broke;
Poet and novelist
Reel'd from the spell-check stroke
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then some gave in, but not
Not the eleven thousand.

Curlem to right of them,
Larry to left of them,
Moe-randa and Shemp behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with tales to tell,
While books and heros fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Poz
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of eleven thousand.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the Angry Authors Brigade,
Noble eleven thousand.

MacAllister

05-11-2005, 04:45 AM

Sherry! Tennyson--what a lovely choice! :)

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 04:51 AM

They're ... warrior princesses! Of course they're warrior princesses. Who else would have a prom dress named Excalibur? :D

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 04:53 AM

Forward, the Angry Authors Brigade!
"Try to sell us our own books!" they said:
Into the valley of Poz
Rode the eleven thousand.CHHHAAARRRGGGEEE!!!!!!

Kris

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 04:56 AM

Echelon ladder to right of them,
High-priced aurora to left of them,
Short discounts in front of them
Volley'd and thunder'd
http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/Emoterofl5.gif
Storm'd at with ink and swillMy favorite line. You rock! http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteTrophy.gif

Kris

Sher2

05-11-2005, 05:41 AM

Sherry! Tennyson--what a lovely choice! :)
Thanks, Mac. That one was just kind of sitting there begging to be perverted. I think I'll do him one more time tonight, then turn it over to the rest of my esteemed verse fracturers.;)

Sher2

05-11-2005, 05:44 AM

Of course they're warrior princesses. Who else would have a prom dress named Excalibur? :D

Kris
If anybody else does, I want to hear about it. They need to be on the Poz Tour.:ROFL:

Sher2

05-11-2005, 05:46 AM

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/Emoterofl5.gif
My favorite line. You rock! http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteTrophy.gif

Kris
Awww, thank you. You, my friend, are the undisputed Shakespearean maven, though.

Honestly, this thread is just more fun than a human ought to be allowed to have. And it does keep me out of trouble. Sometimes. Nothing is failproof.;)

PixelFish

05-11-2005, 05:56 AM

Oooo....I heart the Charge of the Light Brigade. (My own personal top poem for quick and diry riffs. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.)

MacAllister

05-11-2005, 06:39 AM

Pixel, I know...I had a *headsmack* moment myself. I can't believe I didn't think of it, either. <g>

Sher2

05-11-2005, 06:51 AM

0, my revulsion is like a black, black fit,
That's spewing at those loons.
0, my disdain is like a melody,
That's a dirge played out of tune.

As foul thou art, my ruthless printer,
Fouler are my wishes for you,
And I will hate thee still, summer or winter,
May all your victims sue.

When all the authors win, you crooks,
And the contracts melt wi' the sun!
Lo, I will loathe thee, thy ruthless rooks,
While the links of your scam still run.

And fare thee well in hell, you knaves!
And fare thee well awhile!
And we will come to taunt you there, even 10,000 miles,
11,000 authors' books shall be saved!

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 07:08 AM

And fare thee well in hell, you knaves!
And fare thee well awhile!
And we will come to taunt you there, even 10,000 miles,
11,000 authors' books shall be saved!I just love a good scam-Burnsing.

Sher2

05-11-2005, 07:33 AM

I just love a good scam-Burnsing.
Some scams deserve Burnsing to the ground.:)

Sher2

05-11-2005, 07:59 AM

One more. I'm really trying to wear myself out and get sleepy.:)

From noiseful arms, and acts of prowess done
In tournament or tilt, the Ladies,
Who with their consorts were called The Tour,
Had passed into the nomad's life of travel,
Disdain and scorn, they had, leaving for the place called Poz.
InfoHelmet in a cubicle far away,
Look out, the Ladies ride.

`Nay,' said the consort; `for no such passion mine.
But the sweet vision of the Aurora Grail
Drove me from all vainglories, rivalries,
And earthly heats that spring and sparkle out
Among us in the jousts, while the Ladies watch
Who wins, who falls; and waste the spiritual strength
Within us, better offered up to to the Pink Talisman.'

And he to whom she told her sins, or what
Her all but utter guilelessness held for sin,
A man wellnigh her helpmeet, her peer,
Spake often with her of the Aurora Grail,
A legend handed down through five or six,
Sales of her lost and well mourned book,
From our Ladies' time upon the road to Poz,
Their pink tulle Excalibur in sight, and all men's hearts became
Clean for a season, surely they had thought
That now the Aurora Grail would come again;
But sin broke out. Ah, Christ, that it would come,
And smite the world of the wickedness of Poz!
"O consort!" asked the maiden, "might it come
To me by spell or chant?" "Nay," said he,
"I know not, for thy heart is pure as snow."
And so she wrote and messaged till the sun
Shone and the wind blew through her, and I thought
Her pink tulle, Excalibur, have risen and floated when I saw her.

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 08:19 AM

From noiseful arms, and acts of prowess done
In tournament or tilt, the Ladies,
Who with their consorts were called The TourAnd when the bus pulled into the truckstop, a frantic voice was heard calling, "We're stopping! Do they have Moon Pies? Hey, where're my shoes? Hand those to me, I've got to get my tennies on!"

Kris

Sher2

05-11-2005, 08:54 AM

And when the bus pulled into the truckstop, a frantic voice was heard calling, "We're stopping! Do they have Moon Pies? Hey, where're my shoes? Hand those to me, I've got to get my tennies on!"

Kris
Well, I'm not sleepy yet -- something hath murdered sleep and it wasn't MacBeth -- so let's analyze this.

That was me hollering for the Moon Pies, by the way. Trust me, I don't need shoes when there are Moon Pies to be had.

What is the grail in this quest, this Crusade? The unholy kingdom itself? The head(s) of Stooge(s)? The bloodline of any unclean Stooge progeny?

What is the meaning of the pink tulle Excalibur? Talisman, symbolic of hope? Or is it a weapon? Surely, yards and yards of tulle could smother someone.

What role in this passion play does the bus take? Is it merely a means to an end, a mechanism for getting from point A to point B? Or does it possess magical powers of its own?

Could it be that they are ordinary men and women, wearing clothes from the local mall, riding around on a perfectly pedestrian bus because they have nothing better to do? Nah!

Come, my coach! Good night, ladies, good night. Sweet ladies, good night, good night.

Dawno

05-11-2005, 10:28 AM

Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing pink prom dresses is no basis for a system of echelon laddering. Supreme echelon power derives from a mandate from the posters, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can't expect to wield supreme Poz-busting power just 'cause some watery tart threw a pink prom dress at you!

Help, help, she's repressing me! She's repressing me!

Kris

This got me thinking about the following. Apologies to Python lovers everywhere and for it not being in verse.

Remember when you read it to think of John Cleese and Michael Palin's voices...
An Author enters a townhouse in Maryland.

Author: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Author: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Author: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Author: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this book what I
wrote a few months ago and what you published in this very place.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Fairy Gremlin Romantic Thriller...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Author: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. The grammar, that's what's
wrong with it! And the spelling and the punctuation – and look at this spline!
Owner: No, no, it’s uh,...it’s a revolutionary publishing technique.
Author: Look, matey, I know bad editin’ when I see it, and I'm looking
at some right now.
Owner: No no it's not bad editin’ , we’ve kept your unique voice! Remarkable editors here we’ve got! Lit’r’lly dozens of ‘em! All very supportive, write ‘cha a great email, too, they do! Comes from havin’ a good liberal arts education, an readin’ the Pennysaver, it does.
Author: The emails ain’t spelt right neither! It’s stone nonsense.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! It’s revolutionary publishing!
Author: All right then, if it’s so well edited and revolutionary, I'll just check the bookshelves at the local book shop next-door then!
(shouting out the door to the bookseller’s)
'Ello, Mister Bookseller! I've got a fresh $100 bill for you if
you can show me a copy of...(Owner tosses a book over Author’s head through the bookshop’s front door)
Owner: See, there’s a copy! Right there in the front!
Author: It wasn’t there ‘till you threw it in the door!
Owner: I never!!
Author: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Author: (yelling into the book shop) 'ELLO Readers!!!!!
Aside from that volume what clobbered the poor lady lyin’ there on the floor, has you ever seen a POZ book 'ere on the shelves!

(People peek up from behind the stacks and counters shaking their heads – a small voice from an unseen person says “no”.)

Author: Now that's why I call it a dead book. No one in there has ever seen a POZ book!
Owner: No, no.....No, they’s just stunned!
Author: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! They’s stunned by the genius of our marketing model, they’s all really more interested in ordering your book online and are visitin’ the nice bookseller for his free internet book orderin’ services.
Author: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That book is definitely not sellin’ a copy outside my friends and fambly, and when I wrote it not six months ago, you sent out a press release that it was a resonatin’ work that will fit your speciality like a bleedin’ glove.
Owner: Well, it’s probably a glitch at the distributor.
Author: Glitch at the distributor?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? look, why does the manager at Barnes and Noble tell me they won’t stock my book because it’s non-returnable?
Owner: Don't take that tone with me! You must be wrong. I’m startin to think that your whole drama, this whole escapade is nonsensical. It isn't deserving of an explanation and I demand an apology!
Author: And another thing, I took the liberty of examining my royalty statement when I got home,
and I discovered the only reason that I even ‘ad royalties was because you sent postcards to all my relatives.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course we sent post cards to your relatives! If we hadn't sent them they would have missed out on the opportunity to own a rare first edition from a traditional publisher for which you did not have to pay a single dime!
Author: "Rare first edition”! You mean rare because the only way this book sees print is when I order in lots of 500 and sell them out of my trunk? And about those dimes...
Owner: No no! Your books available through brick and mortar bookstores from sea to shining sea! There will be customers, you just have to market your book harder. It’s pinin’ for your lack of commitment to sell it.
Author: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This book is no more! It has ceased
to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft
of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't printed up author’s copies ther’d be no copies. The book is pushing up the daisies! it’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-BOOK!! I will not market it for one more minute!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better give you your rights back then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Owner: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of rights reversions.

Author: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got an amendment that will make your contract non-exclusive, though.

(pause)

Author: (sweet as sugar) Pray, can I talk about my book with other publishers then?
Owner: Nnnnot really. See, right here, it’s a confidentiality clause.
Author: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY HELP THEN, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my partner's townhouse in Iceland, he'll give you back your rights.

Author: Iceland, eh? Very well.

The Author leaves.

Sher2

05-11-2005, 04:08 PM

This got me thinking about the following. Apologies to Python lovers everywhere and for it not being in verse.

Remember when you read it to think of John Cleese and Michael Palin's voices...
[font=Garamond]An Author enters a townhouse in Maryland.

Author: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Author: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Author: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Author: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this book what I
wrote a few months ago and what you published in this very place.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Fairy Gremlin Romantic Thriller...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Author: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. The grammar, that's what's
wrong with it! And the spelling and the punctuation – and look at this spline!
Owner: No, no, it’s uh,...it’s a revolutionary publishing technique.
Author: Look, matey, I know bad editin’ when I see it, and I'm looking
at some right now.
Owner: No no it's not bad editin’ , we’ve kept your unique voice! Remarkable editors here we’ve got! Lit’r’lly dozens of ‘em! All very supportive, write ‘cha a great email, too, they do! Comes from havin’ a good liberal arts education, an readin’ the Pennysaver, it does.
Author: The emails ain’t spelt right neither! It’s stone nonsense.

Beautiful!:Clap:

DreamWeaver

05-11-2005, 09:25 PM

Owner: Nononono, no, no! It’s revolutionary publishing!... Yeah! They’s stunned by the genius of our marketing model.
...
Author: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This book is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't printed up author’s copies ther’d be no copies. The book is pushing up the daisies! it’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off 'is mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-BOOK!! http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteROFL.gifDawno, that was SO PERFECT! It's really cruel of you to make me laugh so hard when I'm suffering from the cold & cough that's making the rounds. I've got to go chug a bottle of cough syrup to try to get my voice back now.

Still chuckling,
Kris

WhisperingBard

05-11-2005, 10:02 PM

Owner: Nnnnot really. See, right here, it’s a confidentiality clause.
Author: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY HELP THEN, IS IT?!!???!!?
Dawn, that was truly Pythonesque! Great job!

*Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!*
Shemp, someone's at the door for you.

Dawno

05-12-2005, 01:19 AM

:o

Aww, shucks. Glad it was entertaining :)

Sher2

05-12-2005, 02:45 AM

Of authors' First Disobedience, and the Fruit
Of that Forbidding Tree, whose mortal tast
Brought Ignorance into the World, and all our woe,
With loss of publication, till one greater Cause
Restore us, and regain the blissful Seat,
Sing Heav'nly Muse, that on the secret top
Of of that redbrick townhouse, didst inspire
Those activists who first taught the chosen Seeds
Of dissent, In the Beginning how reason and law
Rose out of Chaos: Or if Frederick Hill
Delight thee more, and Shemp's Brook that flow'd
Fast by the Oracle of Dunces; I thence
Invoke thy aid to my adventrous Song,
That with no middle flight intends to soar
Above th' revolt that mounts, while it pursues
Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime.
And chiefly Thou O Spirit, that dost prefer
Before all that is literary th' upright heart and pure,
Instruct me, for Thou know'st; Thou from the first
Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread
Dove-like satst brooding on the vast Abyss
And mad'st it implode: What in me is dark
Illumine, what is low raise and support;
That to the highth of this great Argument
I may assert th' Eternal Providence,
And expose the wayes of Poz to men.

So spake our Mother vellum, and the ink heard
Well pleas'd, but answer'd not; for now too nigh
Th' Arch Anti-Publisher stood, and from the other Hill
To thir fixt Station, all in bright array
The disenfranchised descended; on the ground
Gliding meteorous, as Ev'ning Mist
Ris'n from a River o're the marish glides,
And gathers ground fast at the Labourers heel
Homeward returning. High in Front advanc't,
The brandisht Sword of Reason before them blaz'd
Fierce as a Comet; which with torrid heat,
And vapour as the bestooged Air adust,
Began to parch that temperate Clime; whereat
In either hand the hastning Avenger caught
Our lingring regrets, and to th' Eastern Gate
Let them direct, and down Church Street as fast
To the subjected Plaine; then disappeer'd.
They looking back, all th' Eastern side beheld
Of Paradise, so late thir happie seat,
Wav'd over by that flaming Brand, the Poz
With dreadful Faces throng'd and fierie Armes:
Som natural tears they drop'd, but wip'd them soon;
Their World was vanquished before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Lucifer their guide:
They hand in hand with wandring steps and slow,
Through the ruins of Poz took thir solitarie way.

DreamWeaver

05-12-2005, 03:28 AM

They hand in hand with wandring steps and slow,
Through the ruins of Poz took thir solitarie way.Poor authors! But at least, if they have Paradise lost, we have parodies found.

Kris

Sher2

05-12-2005, 05:08 AM

Poor authors! But at least, if they have Paradise lost, we have parodies found.

Kris
I fear my brain is rotting of parody. What next?!

DreamWeaver

05-12-2005, 06:42 PM

I fear my brain is rotting of parody. What next?!The Parody Brain Rot Gavotte, of course:

Every Shemp and Moe and Stooge is here,
Everyone who should be here is here,
What's more scary, even Mr Larry
Dances, on the New Release Opening Day.

On the board are all the authors waiting
For their books to be on their way
To a telling, maybe a best-selling
Showing on the New Release Opening Day.

Authors running, pages thumbing
Search the bookshelves, for the one written by themselves

Any second now, they will start to call: Hey!
Where is my book, why is it not
Shelved?...You dropped the ball!

What a frenzied moment that was,
When the authors learned stores won't stock PA.
What a saddening, positively maddening
Experience: the New Release Opening Day.

Kris

Sher2

05-12-2005, 07:01 PM

The Parody Brain Rot Gavotte, of course:

Every Shemp and Moe and Stooge is here,
Everyone who should be here is here,
What's more scary, even Mr Larry
Dances, on the New Release Opening Day.

Bravo! You must be feeling much better.

"I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it."

DreamWeaver

05-12-2005, 07:06 PM

Bravo! You must be feeling much better.Either that, or the drugs are REALLY kicking in. :D

Kris

Sher2

05-12-2005, 10:19 PM

Either that, or the drugs are REALLY kicking in. :D

Kris
Well, either way -- fever dream or drugged delusion -- you found your inspiration.:)

Gentles, perchance you wonder at this show;
But wonder on, till truth make all things plain.

DreamWeaver

05-17-2005, 06:18 PM

Sorry to be so non-poetic recently, but I am still fighting the viral infection from heck AND I am on a trip, posting quick bits as I get the chance. However, I felt the need to let the muse out to stretch her legs, and she haiku'd:

A red brick townhouse
A nice facade for sending
Valentines of woe

My PA book in hand
My PA check in the mail
Why have I been banned?

The author board creaks
A revolt is on its way
Newbies learning fast!

PA stole your dreams
They hold your book for ransom
PA is no friend.

Oops, guess my muse is on a downer. Sorry about that!

Kris

Christine N.

05-17-2005, 09:03 PM

You know, there really are more than enough poems here to make a nice little chapbook. Think PA would accept it? I'd even leave the title the same LOL. They'd never catch on...

Someone with more cojones with me, perhaps?

Dawno

05-17-2005, 09:06 PM

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tempting :D

DTKelly

05-17-2005, 09:56 PM

There once was a POD in MD
who would publish your book for free!
You buy all your books
and your dealings with crooks
leave you with a case of VD.

what will become of the trinity?
Who no doubt feel great affinity
When they get locked away
In a pen they will stay
And bubba will their virginity.

Poor Shemp will be out in the breeze
Wallowing in the muck with his pleas
language a'foul
a hem and a growl
All alone to bask in his sleaze.

ResearchGuy

05-18-2005, 01:31 AM

DreamWeaver

05-18-2005, 11:17 PM

It'll need a cover ...I was wrong. Evidently I can write a limerick, given the right incentive. Thanks, Ken!

There once was a small goat named Ray
Who ate a contract from PA
He ran from the feed loft,
When their lies got him P'd off--
And darfed up their crap with his hay.

Kris

ResearchGuy

05-19-2005, 01:01 AM

I was wrong. Evidently I can write a limerick, given the right incentive. ...
And a lovely limerick it is!

:-)

--Ken

Unique

10-25-2005, 05:07 AM

******I miss this thread.******

Won't someone please re-write us another classic?

CaoPaux

10-25-2005, 05:10 AM

Heh, heh, heh...careful what you wish for. :banana:

Dawno

10-25-2005, 05:17 AM

To the tune of Unforgettable by Irving Gordon

Returnable,
That's what you are,
Returnable
In stores near or far.

Like a book by other publishers
Now you’re returnable just like his or her’s
Like other books that
People have heard of before...

Returnable
Yep, any day
October or November
That's what they say.

That's why, little book, it's extrordinary
That someone so revolutionary
Thinks that you are
Returnable, too.

Unique

10-25-2005, 05:23 AM

Bravo, Dawno! Encore!

astonwest

10-25-2005, 06:12 AM

Oh, to have my book now free.
But lo, this dream shall never be.
A lifetime wait, I'll never see
my rights, my book, returned to me.

My heart, it cries out every day.
But "our final word" is all they say.
"All the customer is willing to pay,"
is what we'll gouge the names you gave.

So, here I sit, all broken-hearted,
Tried to write, but only started.
Now I write these verses parted,
and all because of the stipid darf, Ted. <--- (so sue me)

CaoPaux

10-25-2005, 08:59 PM

Now I write these verses parted,
and all because of the stipid darf, Ted. <--- (so sue me)*revokes Aston's poetic license*

astonwest

10-26-2005, 02:58 AM

*revokes Aston's poetic license*
Thank you, thank you...
I'm here all night...

or not...need to get another chapter done...

HapiSofi

04-25-2006, 04:01 AM

This is just to say

We have trashed
your book
that we said
deserved a chance

and which
you thought
we would publish
and sell.

Forgive us
but that sounds like work.
We don't
do that.

James D. Macdonald

01-09-2009, 09:34 PM

A honeymooner speaks against "bashers (http://bb.publishamerica.com/viewtopic.php?t=28758)"

To the Bashers, Who Make Much of Crime

Gather ye, bashers, while ye may--
PA is still a-lying.
The guy who has a market plan
Tomorrow will be crying.

Folks who are on their honeymoon
Don't want to hear your wailing
Yet they will sing a different tune
When it's their book that's failing.

The bookmark and the postcard too
They've made, despite your hinting
That all the promo they might do
Won't pay their cost of printing.

Then save your breath and let them go
To try their best at selling
Their royalties will surely show
Far more than what you're telling.

Tsu Dho Nimh

01-12-2009, 11:11 PM

`Twas Monday, and the stipid dwarves
Did chat and blather 'mongst themselves:
All mimsy were the toady bugs,
And the books stayed unshelved.

"Beware the Publisher, my son!
The cruel rejector of your work!
Beware the critic bird, and shun
The group at Absolute Write!"

He took his untrained pen in hand:
Long time the lit'rary foe he sought --
So rested he by the ego tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Publisher, with ink of red,
Came whiffling through the slushy pile,
Rejecting as it came!

circlexranch

01-13-2009, 12:43 AM

I signed with PA,
Published Author I am now,
Kool-Aid bittersweet.

I thought the occasion called for some haiku. However, I posted this instead . . .

This is quite the collection of poetry. Perhaps poetry.com would be interested in doing an anthology.

James D. Macdonald

10-29-2009, 05:02 AM

See also: Lords of the Prance (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9169).

DaveKuzminski

10-29-2009, 08:17 AM

What are the chances of some Halloween appropriate verses? Not that PA isn't scary enough. ;)

tlblack

10-29-2009, 09:39 AM

Okay, I'm no poet, and I know it, but to the tune of "The Monster Mash"...

I was writing at my desk late one night,
When my eyes gazed upon a funny sight.
The toady bug from his pad began to rise,
And very much to my surprise.

He did the bash!
He did the PA bash.
The PA bash.
It was an AW smash!
He did the bash.
It caught on in a flash.
He did the bash!
He did the PA bash...

allenparker

10-29-2009, 06:52 PM

merrihiatt

10-30-2009, 04:14 AM

Sung to the tune of When You're Strange by The Doors (my apologies to The Doors, by the way).

PA is strange when you're a writer
Crossing your fingers as you hit send
The website is dazzling as your gut is reeling
Wondering if you did the right thing

When you're strange
Miranda comes out of the rain
When you're strange
PA doesn't remember your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

PA is strange when you're a writer
Hope springs eternal among PA's lies
Bookstores seem wicked when you're unwanted
Dreams fall apart as you walk away

When you're strange
Willem comes out of the rain
When you're strange
The hello-copter needs gasoline! (we need another "special offer!")
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Swordswoman

10-30-2009, 05:24 AM

Brilliant, Merri.

Only now, of course, those words are running through my head....

Louise

merrihiatt

10-30-2009, 06:51 AM

Ha! Sorry about that, Louise. Although, the tune is very catchy (thanks to The Doors)! hee hee

merrihiatt

11-18-2009, 04:26 AM

Sung to the tune of Aretha Franklin's "Respect."

What you want
PA says they’ve got it
Live the dream
That’s PA’s scheme
All I’m askin’ is for a little respect as a Published Author (just a little bit)
Hey would-be author (just a little bit)
PA is a glorified printer (just a little bit)
Run! Run! Run! (just a little bit)

Writer beware, PA’ll do you wrong
Oh yes, they’ll do you wrong,
‘Cause it’s their business plan
All I’m askin’ is for a little respect as a Published Author (just a little bit)
Hey would-be author (just a little bit)
PA is a glorified printer (just a little bit)
Run! Run! Run! (just a little bit)

I’m about to give PA
All of my money
And all I’m askin’ in return, honey,
Is to give me my profits (i.e., royalties)
When you make a sale (just a, just a, just a, just a)
Yeah PA (just a, just a, just a, just a)
When you make a sale (just a little bit)
Yeah (just a little bit)

Ooo, PA’s words are
Sweeter than honey
But all they really want
is your money
All I want you to do for me is get my books on bookstore shelves (re, re, re, re)
Yeah, PA (re, re, re, re)
Just send it to me (respect, just a little bit)
Where are my royalties? (just a little bit)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
PA doesn’t know what it means
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Here’s what they did to me…

Oh, (sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)
Whoa, what hit me? (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)
You’re runnin’ out of excuses (just a little bit)
And I ain’t lyin’ (just a little bit)
(re, re, re, re) ‘spect

When you sign on the dotted line (re, re, re, re)
Or even ask a question (respect, just a little bit)
Banned from the message board (just a little bit)
All posts deleted (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)