Youtube (Go to) Blind man in the bleachers

[tomtopo]

Everyone wants to see their script produced. I'm no different but I'd like your opinion about the storyline (Click here to see the video on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74YB-07HRrg)). I bet there are writers out there who have 50 lbs of screenplays and teleplays like me. I'd just like to have someone steer me to a producer (I have an agent??) so they can simply look at the storyline to my favorite script. Over 20 years and only a couple nibbles and it doesn't depress my but I'm getting up there in years and so is he (my agent). I feel like I'm running out of time. Anyway, enjoy each day. Attitude is everything. Topper

[wordmonkey]

FWIW, I wouldn't start the pitch with the fact that the script is 25 years old. Hollywood wants fresh and new, and whether it's done the rounds or not, it gives that impression.

Listening to the youtube pitch, you aren't selling me the sizzle. You need to sell the emotion, the feelings, the ride, the drama, the trouble, the connection.

Also, in the pitch, you have lines like "You'll laugh when..." "You'll cry when..." which is telling, not showing. And suggests that the script could be the same. It might very well NOT be, it might the greatest script ever, but this pitch is not gonna get me to even read.

And to be honest, rather than a very slow Power Point-esque presentation, I think you would be better served nailing you pitch to under three minutes and having the camera JUST point at you and YOU sell it. Everything that made you passionate enough to write the script and stick with pushing it for 25 years, should come through. Doesn't need to be all hyper and jumping and shouting, just let that passion come through.

In truth, beyond hanging around to offer some kinda feedback, as a producer, I wouldn't have watched much beyond the first 30 seconds.

Additionally, because it's an emotional story, have you considered reworking the project to have at least one of the two main characters be female and look at pitching this to Lifetime.

While not exactly a ton of fun, I hope this helps.

[nmstevens]

Everyone wants to see their script produced. I'm no different but I'd like your opinion about the storyline (go to youtube and type in "blind man in the bleachers). I bet there are writers out there who have 50 lbs of screenplays and teleplays like me. I'd just like to have someone steer me to a producer (I have an agent??) so they can simply look at the storyline to my favorite script. Over 20 years and only a couple nibbles and it doesn't depress my but I'm getting up there in years and so is he (my agent). I feel like I'm running out of time. Anyway, enjoy each day. Attitude is everything. Topper


Well, I have to tell you, I only got around two minutes in and I turned it off -- and I have more time to waste than most people who might be in a position to buy this thing.

The point of a pitch is that you have to get to the meat of the matter right up front -- you need to let them know what the story is about.

"Amity Island. It's this upscale New England Summer Resort Community. And then one day, out of the blue -- and great white shark shows up."

A story is about it's problem -- about the problem that is *specific* to that story.

Until you have told us what that problem is -- we don't know what the story is about.

I was two minutes in -- I heard a lot of stuff about an unhappy orphan and case workers -- but I didn't hear what the *specific problem* of the story was.

So I was two out of seven minutes done with your pitch and I didn't know what the story was that you were pitching.

More to the point, I don't know how deep into the script you were at that point, but however deep you'd gotten -- really, the story proper hadn't even begun at that point, because until the audience knows what that specific problem is -- that is, until the shark shows up -- they don't know what the story is about either.

NMS

[scriptwriter74]

You lost my interest within the first minute and I struggled to listen to three minutes of the video. There was zero emotion and I couldn't figure the hook. You need to pitch a logline, which doesn't come across. I don't want to hear about your whole story. I agree with the above comment, that selling the fact that the script is 25 years old, is not a selling point.

I am worried your script might be as boring as the video presentation.

Get on imdb or HCD, find addresses and query a short logline and 2-3 sentence summaries to everyone. That will have more success. I have been dong that for 3 months and have 23 prodco's that have responded back and have asked me to sign their release and want to read my script. I am not bragging as I have not actually sold my script yet, but you need to be aggressive. This passive sideline approach of a video on youtube will not work. You need to find the "players", the "players" are not looking for you. So, I hope I am wrong on your script. Get out there and do it!

[tomtopo]

Great suggestions! You took the time to give me some valuable information and I really appreciate it. I wish you all the luck in the world on all of your endeavors. Thanks again, Tom

FWIW, I wouldn't start the pitch with the fact that the script is 25 years old. Hollywood wants fresh and new, and whether it's done the rounds or not, it gives that impression.

Listening to the youtube pitch, you aren't selling me the sizzle. You need to sell the emotion, the feelings, the ride, the drama, the trouble, the connection.

Also, in the pitch, you have lines like "You'll laugh when..." "You'll cry when..." which is telling, not showing. And suggests that the script could be the same. It might very well NOT be, it might the greatest script ever, but this pitch is not gonna get me to even read.

And to be honest, rather than a very slow Power Point-esque presentation, I think you would be better served nailing you pitch to under three minutes and having the camera JUST point at you and YOU sell it. Everything that made you passionate enough to write the script and stick with pushing it for 25 years, should come through. Doesn't need to be all hyper and jumping and shouting, just let that passion come through.

In truth, beyond hanging around to offer some kinda feedback, as a producer, I wouldn't have watched much beyond the first 30 seconds.

Additionally, because it's an emotional story, have you considered reworking the project to have at least one of the two main characters be female and look at pitching this to Lifetime.

While not exactly a ton of fun, I hope this helps.

[tomtopo]

Honest and to the point, I'm really digging this. I'll work on it. Whatever you're working on, I hope you succeed. Thanks, Tom

Well, I have to tell you, I only got around two minutes in and I turned it off -- and I have more time to waste than most people who might be in a position to buy this thing.

The point of a pitch is that you have to get to the meat of the matter right up front -- you need to let them know what the story is about.

"Amity Island. It's this upscale New England Summer Resort Community. And then one day, out of the blue -- and great white shark shows up."

A story is about it's problem -- about the problem that is *specific* to that story.

Until you have told us what that problem is -- we don't know what the story is about.

I was two minutes in -- I heard a lot of stuff about an unhappy orphan and case workers -- but I didn't hear what the *specific problem* of the story was.

So I was two out of seven minutes done with your pitch and I didn't know what the story was that you were pitching.

More to the point, I don't know how deep into the script you were at that point, but however deep you'd gotten -- really, the story proper hadn't even begun at that point, because until the audience knows what that specific problem is -- that is, until the shark shows up -- they don't know what the story is about either.

NMS

[tomtopo]

I think I'll simply read the synopsis. It's my favorite script and I'll simply do a better job at pitching it. You guys are great and you're sincere and honest critique is exactly what I wanted. Thank you so much. I hope you get what you want from the work you do and have fun in the process. God bless all of you and I mean it.

You lost my interest within the first minute and I struggled to listen to three minutes of the video. There was zero emotion and I couldn't figure the hook. You need to pitch a logline, which doesn't come across. I don't want to hear about your whole story. I agree with the above comment, that selling the fact that the script is 25 years old, is not a selling point.

I am worried your script might be as boring as the video presentation.

Get on imdb or HCD, find addresses and query a short logline and 2-3 sentence summaries to everyone. That will have more success. I have been dong that for 3 months and have 23 prodco's that have responded back and have asked me to sign their release and want to read my script. I am not bragging as I have not actually sold my script yet, but you need to be aggressive. This passive sideline approach of a video on youtube will not work. You need to find the "players", the "players" are not looking for you. So, I hope I am wrong on your script. Get out there and do it!

[wordmonkey]

Good luck, dude.

Work up your pitch again, make it tight and punchy, then give it a test flight in the Share Your Work section of this place. You'll get some great feedback before you hang it out there for real.

[tomtopo]

I'll do it. Good luck to you.

Good luck, dude.

Work up your pitch again, make it tight and punchy, then give it a test flight in the Share Your Work section of this place. You'll get some great feedback before you hang it out there for real.