The importance of those first few hundred words or so, i.e. The Opening

[underthecity]

I've been doing something drastically wrong with my opening and I can't seem to shake it off.

I thought that discovering my lack of voice was bad. But no, it's this stupid darn opening.

I am currently, once again, rewriting the first chapter. I have changed it so many times that I've lost count. Core characters remain, but motivations have changed. The sequences of actions have changed. Dialog has changed. And yet still, readers in SYW just don't like it.

The first chapter is posted in Horror SYW, and a rewritten opening is posted in Mainstream SYW, but I won't bother you to go check them out.

Start with action is the most often preached advice. I tried that. It's weak, I was advised.

Start with interesting. I tried that, too. Not good enough, I'm told. Lacks voice, another says.

I rewrite it again. Start it this way, one person says. No, start it this way, another advises.

My MC is an inventor. In the first chapter, he is showing his friend the invention and explains how it works. Chapter 2 is the actual demonstration where things go terribly wrong. Earlier drafts had the order of events changed around a bit.

In earlier drafts, there was no clear explanation of how the invention worked. My fault, I suppose; SYW readers said they couldn't believe this invention could do what the MC claimed it could do. So, I fully explained it. But I couldn't just infodump the explanation, I had the MC explain it to his doubting friend. The friend is important to this first chapter. The reader learns later that the friend sabotaged the invention so it wouldn't work. This steers the MC to redevelop the invention into the device that the book is about.

I've rewritten dialog. I've added voice. I've introduced conflict. I have the scientific explanations ala Michael Chrichton. But nothing I do works for anyone.

What am I doing wrong???

[James81]

Why don't you pick it up and read until you get to the first part of your work that truly compells you, and then delete everything before it?

[RG570]

If you think that's hard, try writing the opener to a dating site profile.


Erm, but seriously, maybe the scene itself is the problem. Maybe starting at an entirely different point would help.

It could be that opening with an info-dump, no matter how necessary, is never going to please critics. I'd expect it to start with the machine test, to be honest. Seriously, start with the obvious: the machine going wrong. Or even the moment right after it goes wrong. That way you can focus on the inventor's frustration/outrageous emotional investment in it/whatever is driving him rather than the machine itself. Part of the problem could be the machine sucking the story's energy, when you need it to be about the inventor.

Just throwing stuff out there.

[The Lonely One]

Yikes. Sorry, underthecity. Perhaps you've rewritten it so many times you've lost the power behind your words (ie-your passion thrusting the scene forward). I would say not to rely on SYW on HOW to open your book. I would return to your various versions of the opening, particularly your first opening, and see what attracted you to that version of doing it. What of that scene first drew you in, as a writer? What intrigued you to write? Start there, I would suggest. (Sometimes your first instinct is the right one.)

Plus not everyone is going to like everything.

I would ask SYW people to accept that this is where you are starting, get over it, and ask what DOESN'T work about the writing, the tensions, whatever. You don't have to switch scenes to make it work, it may just be an issue of tension falling flat. That can be fixed within the scene, and I would approach it that way.

Good luck! I'm sort of on the job hunt right now but if I get some breathing room I'll stop in and give your work a look.

[scarletpeaches]

But nothing I do works for anyone.Write what works for you.What am I doing wrong???Obsessing.

Write something new.

[maestrowork]

I think what you've been doing wrong is listening to too many different opinions and starting to lose your own voice/vision.

[Jake G]

I agree with maestrowork. You said when you stared with action, you were personally advised that it was weak. Do you believe that, or are you only listening a particular opinion?

[DeleyanLee]

I've rewritten dialog. I've added voice. I've introduced conflict. I have the scientific explanations ala Michael Chrichton. But nothing I do works for anyone.

What am I doing wrong???

When I attended a workshop with Donald Maass, he addressed what the opening pages of the book was supposed to do in quite a bit of detail. What he said wasn't a light-bulb for me, it was a mega-watt kleeg light:

The only thing the opening has to do is make the reader want to keep reading. You do that by introducing a story question they want the answer to.

During the workshop, he had about a dozen of us participants (not me) read their first paragraphs aloud. There were planes crashing, relationships ending, businesses going belly-up, all kinds of action things. After each was read, Maass asked for a show of hands of who would keep reading. It was very speckled until one particular paragraph was read:

"Evelyn, I need your help."

Every hand--including Maass' went up. (As an aside, it was my best friend's book and he requested it on the spot) Everyone wanted to know so many story questions--who needed help? What kind of help was needed? Why Evelyn?

Look at the beginning of your book and see what kind story questions you can leap into immediately. They don't have to be action. They don't have to be deeply technical. They just have to make the reader curious about what the story is going to do next.

Yeah, tall order, I know, but I find that bit of advice cuts the question to the quick and lets me focus on what the beginning needs to be.

Best of luck with it.

[CaroGirl]

My suggestion is not to post the opening for crit again. I'm in the camp that believes if you can't get your opening to work, you're starting in the wrong place. The problem here, though, is why do you believe it's not working? Did you believe it wasn't working before you posted it the first time, or were you confident people would love it? If you thought it worked then, it might still work. If you were never satisfied with the opening scene, it's time to think about starting in a different place.

[Charlie Horse]

Write what works for you.Obsessing.

Write something new.

I agree with the write something new anytime you start obsessing about something. Step away and let it ferment a bit.

Also, don't think you have to get the entire premise of the book out there right at the beginning.

[Lady Ice]

Finish the story then edit the beginning.

Or if you just wanna get down to it:
- What's the story you want to tell the reader?
- What do you want the reader to feel?
- What sort of a book is this?

Seduce your reader. Flash a tiny bit of flesh (metaphorically) not try and take all all your clothes off or run out of the room screaming.

[Toothpaste]

I was once creating a short play through improvisation with two other girls. It was an assignment for improv class. We had all, before being put together in groups, come up with very detailed characters, with very detailed bios. Then our teacher had put us into groups of three to come up with a short play using our three characters.

It just so happened that the three characters that I and the other two girls had chosen were: con artist, FBI agent, police officer.

So we decided to create a scene about arresting the con artist, something I guess you'd see on CSI or something. We tried and tried. We fought and argued. Nothing we did worked.

Finally we stopped and thought for a moment. "What if," we reasoned, "we didn't do the obvious story about the FBI tracking a con woman? Just because we happen to have characters that work crazily well together that way, doesn't mean we have to make the story about that."

We came up with a totally other scene. Three friends playing poker. Three friends who also happened to be a con artist, FBI agent and police officer. The scene was emotional, intense, slightly absurdist, and totally awesome. It came together so quickly, and we all three of us loved it. And so did our teacher :) .

My point.

I know a bit about your story and have read several manifestations of your opening. Maybe you are going about it all wrong. In theory it makes sense. It's a story about a ghost machine, show the ghost machine. Get right into the story right? But it isn't working. Maybe you need something that has nothing to do with the ghost machine. Maybe you need something like . . . I dunno . . . this is just a suggestion . . . starting from the perspective of a ghost. Maybe you start in the 1800s when one of your ghosts was killed. Maybe you have your MC and his wife trying to make love, but he's so distracted, and finally she kicks him out of bed and he goes downstairs to look at his machine.

My point is, maybe a scene where the man shows someone his ghost machine and how it works is not necessary to the story. This could be a situation where we are thrust right into the middle of everything, where we accept that your MC has a ghost machine, just as most everyone has a tv. "Did you hear about what John did with the ghost machine yesterday?" "Yeah I did. Man I just don't think he's every going to get that thing to work."

Remember too that stories are first and foremost about characters. Your story isn't about a guy making a ghost machine. It's about a guy who becomes obsessed with winning scientific awards, and puts his family in grave danger because of his own selfishness. Therefore getting us into your story isn't just about establishing the ghost machine. Maybe getting us into the story is establishing your main character, establishing his ambition. Maybe the first scene is him presenting a host of inventions to a panel, getting more and more frantic as he does so, and the panel dismissing his inventions as absurd driving him to totally breakdown.

Maybe, your beginning isn't actually about the ghost machine.

Anyway, I know there's a lot of advice here on not listening to any more advice, but that's my two cents nonetheless.

[JoNightshade]

All SYW can do is alert you that something is wrong with your opening scene. Everything after that point is just advice, helpful suggestions to spark your brain. It's up to you to fix it in the best way for your novel, because you know it best. So often I see people complain about how they've been given "All this contradicting advice! Oh noes!" Seriously, it's your novel, you fix it. Maybe something someone suggested stands out to you, maybe it doesn't.

When I get stuck on a scene and find myself rewriting over and over, what usually works for me is to forbid myself from using anything from that scene. Instead, I challenge myself to figure out something completely different that still works. So, basically, what Toothpaste was suggesting. Start somewhere else. Somewhere that's not the "obvious choice." Example: I posted in the sandbox recently about how I needed ideas for where to set a dinner scene. I cited locales that had already been used. Then someone said, "Why does it have to be a dinner scene?" BINGO. I had gotten into a rut, thinking it HAD to be a certain way. So I chucked the dinner scene and did something completely different. And it totally worked.

[Lady Ice]

Think of all the different ways you could possibly do the opening. Toothpaste's drama impro is a case in point. Just because there is Option A doesn't mean you have to go for it. Don't tie youself to a preconceived idea.

[ishtar'sgate]

Erm, but seriously, maybe the scene itself is the problem. Maybe starting at an entirely different point would help.

It could be that opening with an info-dump, no matter how necessary, is never going to please critics. I'd expect it to start with the machine test, to be honest. Seriously, start with the obvious: the machine going wrong. Or even the moment right after it goes wrong. That way you can focus on the inventor's frustration/outrageous emotional investment in it/whatever is driving him rather than the machine itself. Part of the problem could be the machine sucking the story's energy, when you need it to be about the inventor.

Just throwing stuff out there.
I agree wholeheartedly. (and not just because I'm from B.C.:D) I remember reading the opening and expecting the MC to try and use the machine. I was waiting to see what it would do or what would go wrong with it but then the friend showed up and the momentum was lost. Once you've begun forward motion, which I believe you did with the MC worrying about it working and the machine I think saying to turn it on or something like that, in order to maintain reader interest forward movement has to continue. We want him to turn it on. We want to see what happens - good or bad. The friend is intruding into this tight little scenario you've got going on between the MC and the machine.
Just my two cents though. Take 'em or leave 'em.

[suki]

I've been doing something drastically wrong with my opening and I can't seem to shake it off.

I thought that discovering my lack of voice was bad. But no, it's this stupid darn opening.

I am currently, once again, rewriting the first chapter. I have changed it so many times that I've lost count. Core characters remain, but motivations have changed. The sequences of actions have changed. Dialog has changed. And yet still, readers in SYW just don't like it.

The first chapter is posted in Horror SYW, and a rewritten opening is posted in Mainstream SYW, but I won't bother you to go check them out.

Start with action is the most often preached advice. I tried that. It's weak, I was advised.

Start with interesting. I tried that, too. Not good enough, I'm told. Lacks voice, another says.

I rewrite it again. Start it this way, one person says. No, start it this way, another advises.

My MC is an inventor. In the first chapter, he is showing his friend the invention and explains how it works. Chapter 2 is the actual demonstration where things go terribly wrong. Earlier drafts had the order of events changed around a bit.

In earlier drafts, there was no clear explanation of how the invention worked. My fault, I suppose; SYW readers said they couldn't believe this invention could do what the MC claimed it could do. So, I fully explained it. But I couldn't just infodump the explanation, I had the MC explain it to his doubting friend. The friend is important to this first chapter. The reader learns later that the friend sabotaged the invention so it wouldn't work. This steers the MC to redevelop the invention into the device that the book is about.

I've rewritten dialog. I've added voice. I've introduced conflict. I have the scientific explanations ala Michael Chrichton. But nothing I do works for anyone.

What am I doing wrong???

I have debated about responding to this, mainly because I don't think you are going to like what I have to say. But ultimately, I decided to take you at face value that you are actually asking for suggestions.

Please remember that this is only my subjective opinion, and you can feel free to ignore it, but I've read a few manifestations of the opening and my thought is that you need to work on your execution a bit more.

It's not where you are starting the story, IMO, that is holding it back. It is the overall execution. You technically write well and you have done several, clear revisions. I understand the story and what you want to convey. But it all feels a bit lifeless.

None of the versions I have read have really felt compelling and drawn me in. They have been technically accurate and the story as described is somewhat interesting, but I don't feel anything for the characters. I don't like them or hate them, I'm not intrigued by them, I don't care what happens to them. Without a compelling character or strong narrative voice, I just can't get sucked into a story.

It's a bit like the old telling versus showing problem - tell me someone was caught in a burning building and how they got out is somewhat interesting. But make me care about them and then have me experience actually being in that building with them, not knowing if they will get out, or at what cost, and I can't read fast enough.

For a novel to draw me in, especially one that needs tension driving the story - like suspence, thriller or horror - I have got to feel the emotions of the characters, and feel the tension of the story. In the versions you have posted that is what has been missing IMO.

And it's hard to show someone else how to write compelling characters and create emotional tension within the confines of a critique of 1,500 word excerpt from a novel - especially when there are other areas also needing critique. But if you took a workshop on building compelling characters or finding a strong narrative voice, you would focus on those issues exclusively and could really make great strides.

Even reading up on creating compelling characters or strong narrative voice, or creating emotional tension in the narrative, especially if the book had exercises, might really help.

I think you may have just hit a plateau - where your fiction skills haven't yet caught up with your story ideas. So, I suggest working on your character and voice building techniques, and on technioques for building narrative tension - take some classes, read some books and really study the character building or narrative devices, find a patient crit group, and really work on creating compelling characters and dramatic tension.

Then take another swing at this book. Because I think you just need to get your writing to the next level to make this work.

I have a coulple wips I tinker with now and then but can't really write well yet. They are both books I hope to write someday, but I am not yet a good enough writer to pull either off yet, and for very different reasons. So, I'm working on other things and (hopefully) becoming a better writer in the areas that will eventually be needed for these two ideas.

good luck.

~suki

[katiemac]

At the risk of overloading you with options, I agree with Toothpaste's advice. Personally I ignore the "start with action" and "start with interesting" school of thoughts; I follow "open with conflict." This could be any conflict and doesn't need to be so directly related to the machine. Like Toothpaste says, your character could be in the middle of a romantic moment with his wife but is too distracted to do anything. That's chock full of conflict, and also sets up the idea of family/marital problems.

Where does your main character fall at the end of the book? Is his family back together? Has he learned from his obsessive behavior? Now think of the beginning: What kind of scene would show your character in an exact opposite state (or maybe the same) that he is in the end? This may not work, but just an exercise to get you thinking.

[ishtar'sgate]

As you've previously said, you have received way too many opinions on how and where you should start your story and what your opening should include. Begin where and how YOU think you should, only keep it moving forward and allow us to care about your MC and his problems. An opening must draw us in and make us want to keep following you. You can do that with action, you can do that with a puzzle, you can do that with a fascinating character or a mysterious machine, umpteen different ways.
I write historical fiction and I always begin with setting the scene so the reader is grounded in the era. I want people to feel as if they know where they are before I get into the story itself. That isn't necessary for some, but it's necessary for me and I have to do it my way if I'm going to be the author of my own story.
If I were you I'd step away from it for a bit, digest what others have said then think long and hard about what YOU want to do. In the end you must write your story your way. You can't write it my way or anyone else's way. I think all that is happening thus far is that you're getting confused by conflicting opinions.
Good luck. Openings are hard, hard, hard.

[Lady Ice]

Open with conflict- exactly. Give us a question- let the reader wonder what the solution might be and they'll read on. Tell them, and they won't.

Adding to Suri's point- a writer's sort of telling two stories. One- the entertaining story:
Mary is trying to kill Steve

Two- the emotional story. This is why we stick with a book:
Mary has been abused by Steve for 10 years.

[CaroGirl]

Two- the emotional story. This is why we stick with a book:
Mary has been abused by Steve for 10 years.
Or, if we want to be active writers instead of passive, Steve has abused Mary for 10 years. :)

[underthecity]

Thanks for all the replies, you've given me a lot to chew on here.

The reason I posted the chapter in SYW was to find out why I had been rejected so many times. I mentioned it in the Rejection forum, and two or three people said it's either the query or the first chapter or two, or both, who knows. So, I posted the query and found out, even after spending a week in the QLH forum in SYW last year, it was an ineffective query, much to my chagrin. Then I posted the first chapter in SYW and it was slaughtered slaughtered slaughtered. Oh, the evisceration was brutal.

I went back to work on it and split the chapter into two chapters and moved the events around, and rewrote extensively and reposted it. I was closer, I was told. Still needs work.

But now it lacked Voice. I had edited all the life out of it.

Suki, above, sure seems to think so. And please note: I value everyone's opinions, even when I don't want to hear it; when I'm afraid it's the truth.

Perhaps I should stick with nonficton subjects, although honestly, I didn't want to. I'd like to be a novelist. So, I'll re-read this thread and get back to work.

[JoNightshade]

Perhaps I should stick with nonficton subjects, although honestly, I didn't want to. I'd like to be a novelist. So, I'll re-read this thread and get back to work.

Good for you! :) Just to encourage you... when I first started working my "day job," which is writing nonfiction travel stuff, it totally killed my creative bug. It's some weird right brain/left brain thing. And it took me a while to get to a place where I could flip the switch from one side to the other. I imagine going the other direction - from nonfic to fiction - might be even more challenging.

Practice letting go of your critical, logical self. Get in touch with the artsy, sensitive side. You can worry about the details later - you know that's what your strength is.

[RJK]

If what Suki wrote is true, you need to go back and develop your characters. Make them more interesting. Give them emotions and SHOW those emotions through actions. This is not an easy step to take for technical writers. You've been taught to keep your words free of personal emotion, now you need to pour your emotions into your writing.
Once you've mastered that, you may not have a problem with the beginning. I haven't read your work, but from what I know of it from this thread, I might start out with the sabotage. This scene could be stretched out and reek with emotion (fear, jealousy, etc.). The perpetrator could explain the workings of the machine as he is trying to disable it. Perhaps he could even have it run successfully, trapping a ghost (or whatever it does), before he sabotages it. The ghost could be trapped inside the disabled machine, haunting it and the protagonist while he's trying to get it rebuilt. I could go on and on here. Your story sounds really interesting.

[LuckyH]

Can I suggest that you go down to your local library and pick up a dozen books of the same genre you're writing in and read the first chapter in each of them. If the first chapter is too long, just read the first eight pages, it's more than enough for your purposes.


After reading each opening, write down how you think they differ from your WIP and be cruel to yourself, if necessary. You won't like all the openings, so pick out your favourite ones and concentrate on those.


Armed with your notes, try and make your opening as interesting as the ones you've read. Once you've completed your entire project, try another round of submissions to agents, don't ask for any more advice from anyone else, you're already on overload.


As soon as your submissions are on their way, put your manuscript out of the way and out of your mind, and write the next one. (After a decent interval).

[barbilarry]

This advice was given to me a couple of weeks ago by aadams73. I embraced it and my writing is becoming fun again.

" I'm going to give you the best advice I can right now: relax and enjoy writing your story until The End. Then worry about the rules. But for now, get a first draft down. Don't suck all the joy out of it for you."

In your case you have the first draft. Just step back and let it cook for awhile.
The only thing different between what you are doing and what I was doing is I tried to get the first chapter perfect at the cost of doing nothing with the rest of my WIP. You are trying to please everyone but yourself. I too tried to please everyone. I changed it so much it wasn't even written in my voice, period. Take a deep breath, put it away for a bit, and then go back. Good Luck!

Jane

[silkyeggsalad]

I haven't read your posts in SYW (I'll go there after this), but it sounds like you've put a butt load of work into this opening scene.

Here's my perspective: Enjoy the writing process for what it is: a process. Take in the highs and lows, the frustration and the satisfaction. If you place everyone else's opinions above your own then pack your bags for Crazytown (you can move in with me:D!). Writing in a style you feel comfortable with is the easiest way to build a strong narrative voice -- the spine of a good story.

So maybe when you read your opening all you hear are little critter voices in your head. It might be time to scrap that opening altogether and build something new, something fresh and something YOU are comfortable with.

[maestrowork]

It also could be that you're starting the story at the wrong place, and that's why nothing seems right. Try thinking about your inciting incident and where your main story really begins, then look at your first chapter and see that's the right place.

[underthecity]

In your case you have the first draft. Just step back and let it cook for awhile.
The only thing different between what you are doing and what I was doing is I tried to get the first chapter perfect at the cost of doing nothing with the rest of my WIP. You are trying to please everyone but yourself. I too tried to please everyone. I changed it so much it wasn't even written in my voice, period. Take a deep breath, put it away for a bit, and then go back. Good Luck!
Actually, it's been cooking quite a while. I wrote the first draft in 2006 and began the rewrite later that year. I worked on the rewrite over the next two years. I decided I was finished near the end of 2008 and began querying in January, 2009. And met with all rejections. It can cook no longer. PS, what part of Southeast Indiana are you from? I live in Covington.

It also could be that you're starting the story at the wrong place, and that's why nothing seems right. Try thinking about your inciting incident and where your main story really begins, then look at your first chapter and see that's the right place.
The inciting incident has to be when the MC is testing the device (in chapter 2) where he sends electricity through the air. It works, but overloads and a ghost appears. MC is briefly possessed by said ghost. Then other stuff happens, and soon he decides to rebuild the device into something that can catch ghosts.

But I found it difficult to begin the book with that incident, so it begins the way it currently begins.

[scarletpeaches]

Actually, it's been cooking quite a while. I wrote the first draft in 2006 and began the rewrite later that year. I worked on the rewrite over the next two years.This is only me and the way I work, of course, but I get sick of a book after a few months. Lord knows how you keep working on the same thing over years. I still say you're burned out on this project. Move on to something else. Maybe you'll come back to TGM, but give your brain a rest from it for now.The inciting incident has to be when the MC is testing the device (in chapter 2) where he sends electricity through the air.So why are you starting the book with chapter one?

[underthecity]

why are you starting the book with chapter one?
It was one of the many suggestions to start with the dialog between MC and his friend to establish the characters and explain the project. IOW, beginning with "interesting" versus "action."

Chapter 2 is where the "action" begins.

[maestrowork]

The inciting incident has to be when the MC is testing the device (in chapter 2) where he sends electricity through the air. ...

But I found it difficult to begin the book with that incident, so it begins the way it currently begins.

Cut the first chapter, and start the book just a tad before the inciting incident -- say, maybe the thing that happens right before that. Or start the book AFTER the inciting incident and then backtrack.

See how that works. Usually, I find that when someone is not happy with the first chapter, and the ii actually happens in Chapter two or Chapter three, it's usually because they should have just started in chapter 2/3.

[maestrowork]

It was one of the many suggestions to start with the dialog between MC and his friend to establish the characters and explain the project. IOW, beginning with "interesting" versus "action."

Chapter 2 is where the "action" begins.

Obviously it hasn't worked for you, so why not start just a tad before the ii and see if that works better?

And it's not about "action" but about being as close to the main story/conflict as possible. Also, you have to think: what is at stakes here? Why do we care? What is the conflict? Seeing a "ghost" may be interesting, but what really is at stake (conflict) here. That's what's interesting and intriguing.

I'd say let's forget about interesting or action, but focus on what is "intriguing" that is relevant to the main story/conflict. Intriguing as in making the readers ask questions and WANT to find out the answers. "What happens next? I want to know!" If you can make them ask that question, then you've got them.

You have an intriguing premise: a ghost machine. So now think about what is the central conflict/story and how that premise fits with it. Now think about the inciting incident and how that fits into that, as well. And now think on what would intrigue your readers for them to say, "ooh, I want to read this, and what happens next?"

That, my friend, should be your main focus with your "chapter one."

[Toothpaste]

I have to ask, underthecity, did you read my advice? What are your thoughts on what I suggested?

[underthecity]

I have to ask, underthecity, did you read my advice? What are your thoughts on what I suggested?

Yes, I've read everyone's posts. And I appreciate every one of them.

I know a bit about your story and have read several manifestations of your opening. Maybe you are going about it all wrong. In theory it makes sense. It's a story about a ghost machine, show the ghost machine. Get right into the story right? But it isn't working. Maybe you need something that has nothing to do with the ghost machine. Maybe you need something like . . . I dunno . . . this is just a suggestion . . . starting from the perspective of a ghost. Maybe you start in the 1800s when one of your ghosts was killed. Maybe you have your MC and his wife trying to make love, but he's so distracted, and finally she kicks him out of bed and he goes downstairs to look at his machine.

My point is, maybe a scene where the man shows someone his ghost machine and how it works is not necessary to the story. This could be a situation where we are thrust right into the middle of everything, where we accept that your MC has a ghost machine, just as most everyone has a tv. "Did you hear about what John did with the ghost machine yesterday?" "Yeah I did. Man I just don't think he's every going to get that thing to work."

Remember too that stories are first and foremost about characters. Your story isn't about a guy making a ghost machine. It's about a guy who becomes obsessed with winning scientific awards, and puts his family in grave danger because of his own selfishness. Therefore getting us into your story isn't just about establishing the ghost machine. Maybe getting us into the story is establishing your main character, establishing his ambition. Maybe the first scene is him presenting a host of inventions to a panel, getting more and more frantic as he does so, and the panel dismissing his inventions as absurd driving him to totally breakdown.

Maybe, your beginning isn't actually about the ghost machine.

And I can totally see your point. I think the idea is a good one, and I'm going to be thinking about what've you've suggested. BUT, the ghost machine comes later in the story, not right away.

Cut the first chapter, and start the book just a tad before the inciting incident -- say, maybe the thing that happens right before that. Or start the book AFTER the inciting incident and then backtrack.

See how that works. Usually, I find that when someone is not happy with the first chapter, and the ii actually happens in Chapter two or Chapter three, it's usually because they should have just started in chapter 2/3.
Are you suggesting just completely cutting chapter 1, as in all gone? Chapter 1 doesn't exist in a bubble, as if it were an extraneous prologue. Important things happen there, things which are referred to later in the story. Things that establish the kind of inventor Greg is, and the character dynamics he shares with his friend. Especially since his friend sabotages his first device that sets him in motion to build the ghost machine.

[Prozyan]

Allen,

I'll stick by all the advice I've given you in the past, but I'll add something new:

Stick this thing is a desk drawer and ignore it. For at least three months. Write something new and completely unrelated. Sure, you'll think about The Ghost Machine, but don't read it or work on it at all.

I think after those few months, when you come back and look at it with fresh eyes, you'll find that most of the problems you are having have vanished (particularly the voice problem).

Besides, most of the advice you are being given is just rehases of advice you've already been given (shift the opening, start with this, start with that, and so on and so on).

Step back, give it a rest.

[maestrowork]

Are you suggesting just completely cutting chapter 1, as in all gone? Chapter 1 doesn't exist in a bubble, as if it were an extraneous prologue. Important things happen there, things which are referred to later in the story. Things that establish the kind of inventor Greg is, and the character dynamics he shares with his friend. Especially since his friend sabotages his first device that sets him in motion to build the ghost machine.

All of that could be filled in later. The idea is to start the book as close to the main conflict/story as possible. You can introduce characters, tell their back stories, etc. later if necessary. But give me intrigue and suspense and what not (it's about a ghost machine, for heaven's sake).

I cut out 15000 words from TPB - and those scenes were by no means extraneous or bubble. They developed characters and (I thought) were interesting plot-wise (it showed us how Greg handled his parents' deaths, and how he came to find the secret deposit box). But ultimately I realized that wasn't the main story -- who cares how he found the box? That could be covered with just one line of dialogue. Done. The intriguing part of the story is WHAT HAPPENS after his found the box of letters. That was where my story really started.

But I was able to incorporate any information and stuff I could use but still manage to keep my opening chapter as close to the inciting incident (finding the letters) and the main story (which started in Hong Kong).

What I am saying is, try it and see if that would make your beginning chapter stronger. If you don't like it, you can always change it back. But it seems like your current first chapter is not working, and that's after you've rewritten it umteenth times already. Your 2nd chapter seems fine, doesn't it? So why is that?

I'm not saying your story only matters after the ghost machine was created. What I am inviting you to do is to wrap your head around what you've done already, and turn it upside down, inside out, and see where exactly your story begins, when does it actually matter?

[bearilou]

Speaking strictly from a reader's perspective (as I don't feel confident from a writing perspective to comment) I have to echo the comments made by maestrowork, scarletpeaches, rg570.

Some advice I read somewhere (I wish I could remember who said it, I think it was Allen Guthrie in his Hunting Down the Pleonasms) was to 'arrive to a scene late and leave early'.

You mentioned in comments above the first chapters is the build up of explaining how the machine works to another character. It would seem like that is character building but that's not how I'd see it as a reader. I'd see it as pointless talking heads until something interesting happens. If something interesting happens in chapter two, well...honestly, you will have had to keep my interest until it does happen. Not going to happen if I'm bored with people talking to each other unless they are really witty.

If you start out with it happening and then I get to watch the character struggle as he moves to fix it, you've engaged me with something happening right off and showing me a little about what the character is made of.

[maestrowork]

And why do I have to know how the machine works, or how he came about making the machine, before I see the machine actually works? If the anticipation is important, then you need to start us even earlier to clue us in why we're anticipating the machine -- what's at stakes?

An analogy: flying. Maybe how the airplanes were invented is interesting, but not in the context of the story. Why tell me how the airplane works before I see the plane actually flying? To me, the real story (1) happens when the plane flies! Now, you got my interest, and now I want to know how that works. Or (2) if you want to push further back, then show us the stakes: someone needs to build a flying machine or he will lose $100,000 and his wife. Now, that's intriguing, and now I am willing to sit down and see how he manages to build that flying machine.

But story (1) and story (2) are different stories. (1) is about what happens after the plane flies. Story (2) is about how the man invented the flying machine. So, again, you see, you can approach it different ways -- it depends on what your story is really about.

However, either (1) or (2) does NOT start with an explanation of how the machine can fly.

[firedrake]

Underthecity, there's some good advice here.

I write Historical/Womens Fiction and I used to be very leisurely in the first chapter or two of my books until one or two agents told me that my writing was sound but readers would not be instantly hooked, which was a problem.

The novel I'm querying at the moment, ended up undergoing major surgery. I culled huge chunks from the 1st and 2nd chapters and dropped the 3rd chapter altogether. The end result is that I now have an opening that is grabbing attention and an MC that readers seem to like.

I reckon it's all right to write a slow introductory chapter when writing the first draft, because it gives me a way in. However, when I go back and revise, the first chapter usually gets hacked.

I think you may be falling out of love with your book a bit and unable to step back. Like others have suggested, put it away for a few months and get stuck into something else.

[Ken]

... seems as if I'm the odd man out again; sigh.
I despise action-packed openings. If I pick up a book with one in it I stop reading after the first page. I don't need to be lured into reading a novel, as if reading itself were some sort of loathsome activity like raking a lawn. So let your stories procede at their own pace, authors, and quit trying to make them resemble amusement park rides via this unnatural artifice. Otherwise, out of the millions of modern-era readers who will love and adore your novels there will be one who won't.

[Straka]

I've rewritten dialog. I've added voice. I've introduced conflict. I have the scientific explanations ala Michael Chrichton. But nothing I do works for anyone.

What am I doing wrong???

If you haven't already, you mind need Beta's to read the entire work, then they may be better suited to helping you figure out where to begin.

I agree that beginnings are the hardest. I completely rewrote mine five times. First time it was too long. So I boiled it down to get to the action. But the boiled down version ended up being more telling then showing so I tried another approach and another and another. In the end I settled on setting the first chapter as a single day in the MC's childhood that ends up defining how he sees himself and what he wants to be in life.

You could also take a break for a bit, work on other parts until inspiration sparks your brain.

Good luck.

[Amarie]

... seems as if I'm the odd man out again; sigh.
I despise action-packed openings. If I pick up a book with one in it I stop reading after the first page. I don't need to be lured into reading a novel, as if reading itself were some sort of loathsome activity like raking a lawn. So let your stories procede at their own pace, authors, and quit trying to make them resemble amusement park rides via this unnatural artifice. Otherwise, out of the millions of modern-era readers who will love and adore your novels there will be one who won't.


I'm very glad there are readers like you, but unfortunately it is very hard for the unagented and unpublished to get very far this way unless they are incredible writers. While we probably all aspire to be at that level, for the moment I'll take working on becoming a good storyteller. The best advice I ever received was to not be 'too quiet' if I wanted to get the attention of an agent. It caused me to trunk one work and start another.

ETA: I don't know underthecity's goals, so I don't want it to appear as if I'm giving him advice on how to reach a particular goal. I respect that not every AW's main, overriding desire is to find an agent.

[blacbird]

I despise action-packed openings.

It doesn't have to be "action-packed". I has to be interesting. It has to impel the reader forward into the story; there are a lot of ways to do this other than explosions scattering vampire body parts.

caw

[Straka]

...there are a lot of ways to do this other than explosions scattering vampire body parts.

caw

I suppose you could mix it up with exploding zombie parts.

[Ken]

... you've got a point there, Blacbird. 'Interesting' is fine by me, and beginnings needn't be action-packed to be so. Not sure if readers need to be 'impelled,' even. So long as other aspects are present readers will stick stories out and be patient. At least I will. Can't speak for others. As stated above, I may well be the odd man out. Just thought I'd offer my own view, for what it's worth.

ps Seems like you've got a good handle on things, Melia.

[dempsey]

I'm with scarletpeaches. Go write another book. Then come back to this one. Sounds to me like you need some massive mental distance. And I'm sure you have more than one story in you.

[Matera the Mad]

I posted my first chapter off and on until I had a notion what might be best not to do. Then I polished it up reeel nice and now only my betas get to see it. They love it, it sucks them in. Betas iz gud.

[ChaosTitan]

There is some great advice flowing in this thread, and I don't have much to add that's new. Opening chapters can be very hard, especially with first novels. I can't tell you how many times I changed the opening chapter of my very first novel, or how many times I edited it before I trunked it.

Your first sentence has to make me want to read the second. Your first paragraph has to make me want to read the next. Your first chapter has to make me want to read chapter two. Rinse. Repeat.

So many people confuse "start with action" with "start with a fight/gunfire/explosion/death/whatever." Action means start where the story starts--at the very last possible moment before your main character's life changes forever. Some genres forgive slower starts more readily than others, but some (such as horror, urban fantasy, thrillers, and mysteries) don't.


Perhaps I should stick with nonficton subjects, although honestly, I didn't want to. I'd like to be a novelist. So, I'll re-read this thread and get back to work.

On the previous page, suki had a really good, point-blank post. And I'm going to give you another hard dose of reality, Allen, that you probably don't want to hear -- this is probably a practice book.

I know you're published in nonfiction, and that's awesome! But fiction and nonfiction are different animals, and if this is your first attempt at a novel, it may end up just an attempt. It could be a learning experience and nothing more. I fiddled with my first novel for years before I finally let go and moved on.

It's difficult to let go of a story you've held close for so many years, but maybe it's time. Maybe after you've written a second novel (or a third or fourth), you'll have the experience and wisdom to go back and finally get this beginning right.

[underthecity]

Speaking of distance.

There has been distance. I "finished" the book in December. That is, after a long, long revision process, I started querying in January. I didn't even look at the thing until around August or September after I had no more rejections coming in. That's when I started wondering what went wrong. That's about eight months, at least. Now I'm going through it again. I actually removed two characters, their scenes, and all their dialog near the end. So far, I've cut 4,000 words.

Speaking of betas. . .

I had one beta last year who read only about a fourth, but nitpicked his way through everything he read. Questioned every scene, every line, every character motivation, noticed I hadn't established POV early enough in a couple of chapters and decided the rest of the book was surely like that and didn't read any further. He had a lot of good points and I used most of his suggestions. But he didn't even stick around to see how it ended.

Another beta did read the whole thing, but questioned the most minor of points. He made it to the end without much worthwhile to say.

Another beta started reading and just . . . disappeared. I'm pretty sure she's still around AW someplace. If you're reading this, what happened? Her main point was "It seems to easy for him to develop the machine [later]." Sure, but I don't have years for the character to invent the ghost machine. He does it in months, but it's based the development of his first invention. Plus, he has a brilliant mind and is quite smart. He's just somewhat misguided.

Anyway.

If the book starts out with a guy flying an airplane and gets into trouble, then no, we don't need to know how the airplane works. Readers are already familiar with the concept. But the invention the MC is working on is something radically different. Wouldn't the reader question it? Even maybe doubt that such a concept is even possible?

The only other way to do this (unless I go with a completely different opening as Toothpaste suggested) is to start with the machine test, then flash back later to show what happened before. I don't know. I've written myself into a corner.

[scarletpeaches]

Speaking of distance.

There has been distance. I "finished" the book in December. That is, after a long, long revision process, I started querying in January. I didn't even look at the thing until around August or September after I had no more rejections coming in. That's when I started wondering what went wrong. That's about eight months, at least.That's not distance. That's time.Now I'm going through it again. I actually removed two characters, their scenes, and all their dialog near the end. So far, I've cut 4,000 words.Welcome to the real world. I nixed a character and 55k from my first book....decided the rest of the book was surely like that and didn't read any further. He had a lot of good points and I used most of his suggestions. But he didn't even stick around to see how it ended.Truthfully? He was probably bored. It was his right to decide not to read further. Clearly, he wasn't hooked. And if you keep asking people what to do to hook them in your book it stops being your creation and becomes theirs, or a committee work. Why keep banging your head against a brick wall? Move on.
Another beta did read the whole thing, but questioned the most minor of points. He made it to the end without much worthwhile to say.His questioning of what you call 'minor' points were worthwhile - to him. You complain when betas don't read your book and go into detail with their crits, and yet you're not happy when they do.Another beta started reading and just . . . disappeared. I'm pretty sure she's still around AW someplace. If you're reading this, what happened? Her main point was "It seems to easy for him to develop the machine [later]." Sure, but I don't have years for the character to invent the ghost machine. He does it in months, but it's based the development of his first invention. Plus, he has a brilliant mind and is quite smart. He's just somewhat misguided.If you need to explain to someone what's going on in the book, there's something wrong. All the information someone needs to understand this should be in the book, not on a thread on AW.But the invention the MC is working on is something radically different. Wouldn't the reader question it? Even maybe doubt that such a concept is even possible?So? My second book features four characters who can turn into animals at will. The reader won't question it because that's how their universe works. It's called suspension of disbelief. When someone picks up a book they enter into a contract with the author. "Okay, I'll accept this is all real if you entertain me."
The only other way to do this (unless I go with a completely different opening as Toothpaste suggested) is to start with the machine test, then flash back later to show what happened before. I don't know. I've written myself into a corner.There's another way to go.

Drop it.

Write. Something. Else.

Unless you're scared you only have one novel in you?

[underthecity]

On the previous page, suki had a really good, point-blank post. And I'm going to give you another hard dose of reality, Allen, that you probably don't want to hear -- this is probably a practice book.

I know you're published in nonfiction, and that's awesome! But fiction and nonfiction are different animals, and if this is your first attempt at a novel, it may end up just an attempt. It could be a learning experience and nothing more. I fiddled with my first novel for years before I finally let go and moved on.

It's difficult to let go of a story you've held close for so many years, but maybe it's time. Maybe after you've written a second novel (or a third or fourth), you'll have the experience and wisdom to go back and finally get this beginning right.

And I know in my heart you're probably right, although I'm not quite ready to give up on it just yet. Regarding the nonfiction books, they're regional history. I love the subjects, but they're not nationally distributed. Local Interest. But, thank you for saying so.

He was probably bored. It was his right to decide not to read further. Clearly, he wasn't hooked. Sure, I get it. But if you agree to beta for someone, you should follow through to the end. My opinion.

If you need to explain to someone what's going on in the book, there's something wrong. A reference to popular culture shouldn't have to be explained. I said one character was following Phish concerts on tour. Do I have to stop and explain what Phish is (or was)?

It's called suspension of disbelief. When someone picks up a book they enter into a contract with the author. "Okay, I'll accept this is all real if you entertain me." I talked about this in an earlier thread where I argued the same thing. My point was that in Fiction, you can do anything you want, i.e. regenerate dinosaurs and populate an island with them. If there's no explanation of how that works, will the reader buy into it? I hadn't explained the MC's device enough in the first chapter. I mostly just glossed over it to move the story along. One reader in SYW said the science was totally unbelievable because there was nothing to indicate what it did or how it worked. So I rewrote it to where it made sense. Now it gets cut?

Write. Something. Else.

Unless you're scared you only have one novel in you?
This story consumed me for over three years. And as of right now, it's not done. I hate leaving things undone. However, I have been entertaining some other ideas on nonfiction subjects and perhaps another novel. Maybe not horror, I'm not sure.

[JoNightshade]

I'm starting to think Scarlet has the right of it. I'm probably one of the most stubborn writers here at AW - I've been working on exactly 2 novels since I signed up here, and I've done countless rewrites. But of those two novels, I've had two different beta experiences.

For novel #1, the beta story reads much like yours. People read some, thrashed it, dropped it, etc. There was one person who absolutely loved it, but she had no criticisms to offer which was ego-boosting for me but ultimately not what one needs from a beta. It didn't seem to matter what I did, I still got about the same response.

For novel #2, people criticized... but read the whole thing. I've come close enough to have had an agent read it and make suggestions. And I know where I'm going on the revisions.

Guess which one I trunked? Yeah, #1. It was painful, but looking back now I am glad I moved on because now I can see everything that was wrong with it. I may rewrite it someday, but it will be very different in many ways.

Honestly, I didn't admit I was trunking it. But when I started the third or four draft I told myself "This is it. If I get through this draft and it still doesn't work, I don't care why, I am moving on. Period." And that's what I did.

[scarletpeaches]

Do I have to stop and explain what Phish is (or was)?Well I've never heard of it/them, but if they have a concert tour I'd just assume, "Must be a band of some sort."If there's no explanation of how that works, will the reader buy into it?You tell me. I didn't explain how my cat people came to be. I just wrote them as is. The reader's not stupid. They read the first chapter and think, "Oh, okay. We're in a world where people change into cats."This story consumed me for over three years. And as of right now, it's not done.Truthfully, Allen? I think it's overdone. I can't make you drop it and move on to something else but there's no law that says you can't go back to it some other time.

[Cassiopeia]

I've been doing something drastically wrong with my opening and I can't seem to shake it off.

I thought that discovering my lack of voice was bad. But no, it's this stupid darn opening.

I am currently, once again, rewriting the first chapter. I have changed it so many times that I've lost count. Core characters remain, but motivations have changed. The sequences of actions have changed. Dialog has changed. And yet still, readers in SYW just don't like it.

The first chapter is posted in Horror SYW, and a rewritten opening is posted in Mainstream SYW, but I won't bother you to go check them out.

Start with action is the most often preached advice. I tried that. It's weak, I was advised.

Start with interesting. I tried that, too. Not good enough, I'm told. Lacks voice, another says.

I rewrite it again. Start it this way, one person says. No, start it this way, another advises. Ya gotta love all the advise that often proves to be dysfunctional. :Hug2:

My MC is an inventor. In the first chapter, he is showing his friend the invention and explains how it works. Chapter 2 is the actual demonstration where things go terribly wrong. Earlier drafts had the order of events changed around a bit. That might read as an info dump. I'd start with the demonstration going wrong and go from there. I know it's action first but to me that makes more sense than something that might be skipped over by the reader because you are downloading too much information at once.

In earlier drafts, there was no clear explanation of how the invention worked. My fault, I suppose; SYW readers said they couldn't believe this invention could do what the MC claimed it could do. So, I fully explained it. But I couldn't just infodump the explanation, I had the MC explain it to his doubting friend. The friend is important to this first chapter. The reader learns later that the friend sabotaged the invention so it wouldn't work. This steers the MC to redevelop the invention into the device that the book is about.

I've rewritten dialog. I've added voice. I've introduced conflict. I have the scientific explanations ala Michael Chrichton. But nothing I do works for anyone.

What am I doing wrong???You are right you can't just info dump it but the explanation to his friend could be perceived as such. I'd weave those facts into the story as it unfolds, through bits and pieces of dialogue.

So who are you referring to when you say "anyone"? Is this feedback from beta readers or agents? If you have beta readers, make sure they are experienced writers and readers both. :)

[Darzian]

I'm agreeing with Scarlet Peaches here (whom I usually agree with mentally anyway).

3 years have been spent on this. It's been rejected over and over. How much more time are you going to give this book? Isn't it more worthwhile to work on something new and return to this book when you've enhanced your writing skills? That's what I'd do.

Sorry if it's crude but that's the best option, IMO. Good luck.

[Mumut]

I'd expect it to start with the machine test, to be honest. Seriously, start with the obvious: the machine going wrong. Or even the moment right after it goes wrong. .

That's exactly what I was going to say. You can quite soon have the MC explaining what it was supposed to do, before the catastrophy, then, intermittently, introduce how it was supposed to work.

Why not try that. Don't delete anything. Move your present first chapter to another file and rewrite as above. When you read it back, if anywhere the pace slows, cut out the sluggish part. People don't need to be told everything. The reader can realise a few things if necessary. But the important thing is, don't let them put the book down. Keep the interest at a high pitch. Chapter two can let them relax, fractionally, as you introduce a sub-plot. But by then they are hooked.

[dempsey]

Speaking of distance.

There has been distance. I "finished" the book in December. That is, after a long, long revision process, I started querying in January. I didn't even look at the thing until around August or September after I had no more rejections coming in.

That's not distance. That's time.

This.

You haven't stopped thinking about this book for three years. Writing, editing, editing with beta help, querying, all of this is keeping this material at the forefront of your mind. For three years.

Simply not staring at the words on the page for a few months, but still fussing over it and querying it and worrying about it? That's just time.

Distance is writing something new.

[jinap]

I'm going to chime in on the scarletpeaches side as well. It sounds like you've already read/heard and tried all the other advice in here, except for hers. Put it aside and work on something else. You can always come back to it later.

[katiemac]

Everyone who is saying to turn in and let it go are offering a very valid suggestion, one which very well may be the better action to take.

However, I'll offer one last solution to the opening.

The inciting incident has to be when the MC is testing the device (in chapter 2) where he sends electricity through the air. It works, but overloads and a ghost appears. MC is briefly possessed by said ghost. Then other stuff happens, and soon he decides to rebuild the device into something that can catch ghosts.

But I found it difficult to begin the book with that incident, so it begins the way it currently begins.

I see how opening with the inciting incident can be tricky. There's this machine, then it overloads and we get a ghost. The ghost then possesses your main character. There doesn't seem to be an appropriate amount of time to take a breather and get the reader settled into what is supposed to happen and what this machine is supposed to do. You're right that I think it deserves an explanation, a la Jurassic Park.

What if you still open with the machine breaking? But not breaking in such a fatal way as when the ghost appears. He tests it, the reader gets the tension, but it's just a run-of-the-mill break, with some additional repercussions like his wife is pissed and he's frustrated. The reader gets the mad scientist picture. Then he can fix it, and while avoiding an infodump, during the fix the reader learns how the machine is supposed to operate. He tests is again--this time the reader has the anticipation of it actually working. It breaks again, but in the different way that the ghost appears.

Since you're not ready to let go, take the next few days and play around with different openings. If you're not finding anything you like, then I think it's really time to get some distance.

[blacbird]

Sure, I get it. But if you agree to beta for someone, you should follow through to the end.

By no means necessarily. If the story, as constructed, is fatally flawed at or near the outset, that's the way it is, and that's the way any agent or editor is going to see it, too.

A reference to popular culture shouldn't have to be explained. I said one character was following Phish concerts on tour. Do I have to stop and explain what Phish is (or was)?

This, alone, can be a fatal flaw. You assume here that what you consider "popular culture" is transparently obvious to a reading audience. Well, I, for example, know that Phish is a cult-popular rock band, but I've never heard a single damn piece of their music, and am not particularly interested in doing so. In other words, I could care less about them, and the reference to them is utterly meaningless to me. Frankly, even "explaining" it probably wouldn't matter. This is the essence of the weakness of pop culture references. Some (Beatles, Rolling Stones, Elvis) are so universally understood that they work; most simply don't. So, the question: What does a reference to a character "following Phish concerts on tour" gain you in terms of your story?

caw

[katiemac]

This, alone, can be a fatal flaw. You assume here that what you consider "popular culture" is transparently obvious to a reading audience. Well, I, for example, know that Phish is a cult-popular rock band, but I've never heard a single damn piece of their music, and am not particularly interested in doing so. In other words, I could care less about them, and the reference to them is utterly meaningless to me. Frankly, even "explaining" it probably wouldn't matter. This is the essence of the weakness of pop culture references. Some (Beatles, Rolling Stones, Elvis) are so universally understood that they work; most simply don't. So, the question: What does a reference to a character "following Phish concerts on tour" gain you in terms of your story?

As someone who has attempted to orchestrate multiple pairs of successful beta-author matches, I can see this from both sides. Sometimes an author and beta just shouldn't be. Normally as a beta I wouldn't touch a line about a character going to see a certain concert, regardless of who the performer is, unless it was totally confusing in context. It could be character development. It could be important later. There are some betas, however, who would look at that and say, "Who's Phish? I don't know--not everyone will know--so cut it!" without giving it further pause as to why that line exists. I've seen this kind of thing happen a lot. Betas aren't always right.

Likewise, there are some authors who are too close to their work to realize the beta reader is expressing a valid point, even in a roundabout way. Perhaps it's not that the beta reader doesn't know the band that's the problem, but the very fact the reader mentions it should give the author pause to decide if it's expressed in the best, most clear way.

[aadams73]

On the previous page, suki had a really good, point-blank post. And I'm going to give you another hard dose of reality, Allen, that you probably don't want to hear -- this is probably a practice book.


This is a hard truth that most of us have to face at some point. More often than not, our first books just aren't good enough. They're for learning, not for publishing. And that's okay. The first cake we bake might be a practice cake. The first sweater we knit might be a practice sweater. The first person we love may not be forever. But we writers love to beat ourselves up and insist that this first book is The One when that simply may not be true.

He was probably bored. It was his right to decide not to read further. Clearly, he wasn't hooked.

Exactly. If I'm interested, I'll not only keep reading, but I'll be there waiting for revisions. If not... Well, this is harsh, but I don't have time to read some published books either. If it doesn't hold my attention, why would I keep going?

[KTC]

I think what you've been doing wrong is listening to too many different opinions and starting to lose your own voice/vision.

This.


You're too close too. I've done this exact thing with a beginning. I rewrote it so many times, trying to incorporate everything I've heard I should do. I kept every version because I wanted to prove to myself that I was running around in circles, chasing my tail. If you get this close...this crazed...it's time to step back...get off the horse and jump away from the carousel. Even if for a little while.

[maestrowork]

Don't drop the book -- not just yet.

But do step away from it and not just let time pass, but really emotionally detach from it. Right now you seem to be too hung up on it. You need to cool it, detach from it, and then look at it again with fresh eyes and a clear head and ask, "is there something wrong with it and what is it?"

You seem very resistant to the idea of starting with Chapter 2 (the demonstration goes wrong). To me, that's really when the story starts. And Katiemac gave you a good alternative to start with the MACHINE failure and crank up the tension, suspense BEFORE all hell breaks loose. But don't start with an explanation of how the thing works, etc. Like I said before, don't tell us how an airplane works before we see it fly (unless the story is about the making of a flying machine).

But right now, it seems like you're too emotionally attached to how you start the story that you don't like to hear that you have to cut the first chapter. You can't wrap your head around that concept, or your heart isn't willing to make that decision.

Maybe it's time to cool it off again and see how you feel about it. There may be other problems, too, since your betas seem to have bailed on you. (you may need to get some betas who are not writers -- to give you a fresh perspective as readers only) Betas don't have the obligation to finish your book -- they're doing you a favor to begin with. What you need to do is have something that keeps them reading. But I do think that writers tend to nitpick on the writing instead of reading it as a story... I'd suggest you find someone who is a good reader (instead of a writer) and go from there. But a good writer/beta match is sometimes hard to find. I was lucky to find some good betas for myself.

I think your background as a nonfiction writer may have affected you, too. As a nonfiction writer, you may have a tendency to try to lead in with information and explanation, and the tendency to explain things, since that's the function of nonfiction. Especially since you write about history -- the tendency to info dump is there. I've read your books, and I can see how that could affect your fiction, because really, fiction is different. The purpose is different, so is the structure. When you said your first chapter was about how the MC was explaining the machine to his partner... my first thought is: why? If you're writing a book on the Titanic, do you start with an explanation of how the ship works? Or the history of it? My thought is: No. You start by telling us Titantic SANK after hitting an iceberg. Then you tell us the history.

[maestrowork]

katiemac gave you a good alternative. I have another to add, if you don't want to add more scenes... Why not start the book with your chapter 2 -- things go wrong. Then you flashback to a few days ago when he was building the machine that leads to that fateful event...

What you can accomplish with that structure is: a) you start with the inciting incident and get us hooked... oooh, something bad happened (but that's just the beginning of the story), and b) you leave us hanging... so you've created suspense when we begin to see how things got to that point. If you can do both (a) and (b), you've got us hooked.

[bearilou]

But the invention the MC is working on is something radically different. Wouldn't the reader question it? Even maybe doubt that such a concept is even possible?

Speaking again as a reader *tosses two cents into the kitty*, sure I will. I will question it. I will maybe even doubt such a concept is possible. And I'll keep reading along with your MC as he struggles to convince everyone around him (and thus, me) that it is possible, as he is elbow-deep in the contraption trying to figure out where it went wrong.

I mean, even within the framework of your story, is the contraption even possible? I mean, it just broke down on the MC. And were there disastrous consequences that now, along with the broken machine, that the MC has to deal with? How is he going to fix it now? Will he have to fix the machine in order to deal with the other consequences? What will he do? Will he have to enlist his friend's aid? Does his friend need to know how the machine was supposed to work?

All of those questions can be answered throughout your book as we all move along in the text. Giving me an infodump at the beginning of the story is really too much for me as a reader. Before the magic smoke leaked from the machine, I don't care how it worked. It's only now that the magic smoke is out and something has happened as a result of that, do I care about how the MC is going to fix things.

[Twizzle]

What if you still open with the machine breaking? But not breaking in such a fatal way as when the ghost appears. He tests it, the reader gets the tension, but it's just a run-of-the-mill break, with some additional repercussions like his wife is pissed and he's frustrated. The reader gets the mad scientist picture. Then he can fix it, and while avoiding an infodump, during the fix the reader learns how the machine is supposed to operate. He tests is again--this time the reader has the anticipation of it actually working. It breaks again, but in the different way that the ghost appears.



This. I'm thinking CH2 where the actual ghost appears may be too late in the game to start? Some switch needs to be flipped on the obsession. To make things murkier, I like starting in some way with what the character truly wants-and if what Toothpaste said is true-if the guy becomes so obsessed (that's what he'll want-to trap the things? at all costs?) he jeopardizes his family and self etc-I'd start there. His wife shouldn't just be pissed and he's more than frustrated-this is the start of his slide into this obsession-and it should show us things from here on out ain't gonna be so run of the mill. Perhaps he somehow really lets her down in some way to do this test (putting the machine ahead of her) and then it goes wrong (and we should sense how broken things are/going to be-and not just the machine) and it disturbs him in a way that isn't quite run of the mill frustration but instead illustrates the beginnings of obsession. Which will then lead him to the second test where things go beyond wrong. Does that make sense? Probably not. But that's where I might experiment with starting...

Anyway. I'll side with everyone to say put it away and not think about it. The answers may come to you when you least expect it.

[underthecity]

Thanks for the replies. Looks like I have time to shelve it right now, anyway, since at least for a week or two I'm temporarily going back to work. A contractor friend of mine hired me to help him on building a pole barn, and that work starts today. So, if I seem like I've disappeared from this thread through the day, it's because I'm actually working. Not writing.

I'll give a lot of thought to starting with chapter 2, I see you guys are right. (Although, I'd like to stress that it did originally sort of start that way. Many drafts ago.)

Thanks to everyone, maestrowork, katiemac, toothpaste, twizzle and all the rest (and scarlet peaches for her unadulterated bluntness. I like blunt! I'll do the same thing on some thread responses.).

I really don't like to quit, though, as in completely trunk this novel. I'm not ready to do that. I'll give it some time and distance, rework this opening, and I still have a lot of word cutting ahead of me. The goal is 20,000 words. So far, I've cut 4,000. Plus I'm still reworking the ending.

[motormind]

What am I doing wrong???

As far as I can see, it's mostly lack of confidence. You should only heed your beta readers' advice about passages you yourself are unsure of--or perhaps have no ideas about to start with. When you feel something is right, it is right. Most of the time, anyway.

[Twizzle]

Yes. Absolutely. What Motormind said. Which is why you should put it away and let it ferment until you feel sure again. But. When you do go back--


I'll give a lot of thought to starting with chapter 2

Try it. Definitely try it. But I'm still thinking you might want to experiment with katiemac's suggestion too.

Here's the thing. Right now you say you're starting with convincing/showing the reader how the machine and the science works so we'll believe it works in Ch 2. When actually, as Scarletpeaches and bearilou brought up, I'll argue you sort of want the opposite here-you don't need or want them to understand or believe the machine. Why would you want the reader to buy into the machine or understand it initially? I'm guessing his wife doesn't, his friends don't. So we shouldn't. As a matter of fact, we think it's a little nutty and could care less. But man, the guy's showing signs he's becoming obsessed-he's blowing off important stuff, digging in his heels, he just put the machine over his wife. He believes it'll work. Only, it's not working. It just failed.

Until Ch 2, when ah, for some very good but insane reason he tries again and we're like guy give it up already, this will not work, they're all right, do you see what you're doing to your wife and ...pow! It does work. How or why, we don't know but now want to know, and it's now an important part of the puzzle which is slowly being revealed to us as he rebuilds it and traps ghosts-but oh boy it worketh and we got us some big problems now.

So what I'm saying is initially you don't necessarily want the reader to understand the machine-but you may want them to begin to understand and believe this man will keep going because he really wants this, a hint of the costs, and an idea of why.

I'm probably still not making sense, and pls, I don't mean write the above literally-merely suggesting the answer may be more what Toothpaste and katiemac threw out--not so much moving up Ch 2--but trying something different. You may not have yet written your Ch 1.. But yes, put it away. You're questioning your own instincts. :(

[ishtar'sgate]

A contractor friend of mine hired me to help him on building a pole barn, and that work starts today.

As long as you're working on a barn.....
We have a barn that is only half finished.:D

[scarletpeaches]

...and scarlet peaches for her unadulterated bluntness. I like blunt! I'll do the same thing on some thread responses...Ah well. At least you know if I'm blunt to your face I won't be snarking behind your back.

Seriously, though. It's my honest opinion that you sound tired, or frustrated or simply burnt out on this project. You don't need to bang your head against a brick wall - that way lies the mother of all headaches.

[underthecity]

Lots of good things to think about in this thread.

I've been unemployed for the past ten months, most of the time I haven't done much physical labor, although I've managed to stay the same weight. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday helping build a pole barn, which meant lots of physical labor. I'm kind of out of shape, so my body hurts; and it did give me some time to think about this thread.

As I stated before, I'm not ready to trunk it just yet. I know, I know, I'm close to the story, and I think overall it's a terrific story that certainly will appeal to the reading audience that watches TV shows like Ghost Hunters and the similar ones. I still feel the book has a chance, and I'm going to go back to work on it. I think the biggest problem right now is in the opening, and if I can get that worked out, perhaps I can then give it some time to sit while I work on something else for a while.

You can quite soon have the MC explaining what it was supposed to do, before the catastrophy, then, intermittently, introduce how it was supposed to work.

Why not try that. Don't delete anything. Move your present first chapter to another file and rewrite as above. When you read it back, if anywhere the pace slows, cut out the sluggish part. People don't need to be told everything. The reader can realise a few things if necessary. But the important thing is, don't let them put the book down. Keep the interest at a high pitch. Chapter two can let them relax, fractionally, as you introduce a sub-plot. But by then they are hooked.

The reason for the "explanations" in chapter 1 is this: the ghost machine that Greg later develops is based entirely on the invention he has developed prior to chapter 1. His invention, which transmits electricity through the air via a radio wave, is done via electromagnetism. When the device fails, it unexpectedly "brings out" a ghost, which, according to the rules set in this book, is a being made of electromagnetic energy. The ghost machine later does basically the same thing, only it's bigger, has more control, and does a little bit more: it causes a ghostly possession.

The point is, the ghost machine doesn't just "appear" in Greg's garage to drive the plot.





I see how opening with the inciting incident can be tricky. There's this machine, then it overloads and we get a ghost. The ghost then possesses your main character. There doesn't seem to be an appropriate amount of time to take a breather and get the reader settled into what is supposed to happen and what this machine is supposed to do. You're right that I think it deserves an explanation, a la Jurassic Park.

What if you still open with the machine breaking? But not breaking in such a fatal way as when the ghost appears. He tests it, the reader gets the tension, but it's just a run-of-the-mill break, with some additional repercussions like his wife is pissed and he's frustrated. The reader gets the mad scientist picture. Then he can fix it, and while avoiding an infodump, during the fix the reader learns how the machine is supposed to operate. He tests is again--this time the reader has the anticipation of it actually working. It breaks again, but in the different way that the ghost appears.

A good idea, but now I have two tests at the start of the story . . . so the story is actually delayed for a while. This is why the device breaks when it does. Although he's been working on it for five years, when he does the full test, it fails. Neither he nor the reader really understands why it fails until much later, when his friend reveals that he sabotaged it so it wouldn't work.


katiemac gave you a good alternative. I have another to add, if you don't want to add more scenes... Why not start the book with your chapter 2 -- things go wrong. Then you flashback to a few days ago when he was building the machine that leads to that fateful event...

What you can accomplish with that structure is: a) you start with the inciting incident and get us hooked... oooh, something bad happened (but that's just the beginning of the story), and b) you leave us hanging... so you've created suspense when we begin to see how things got to that point. If you can do both (a) and (b), you've got us hooked.
I think this is the avenue I'm going to take, but there is one issue. I tried something like this in a more recent rewrite, but the SYW reader said that as a result of knowing the outcome of the experiment first, that is, it failes and explodes and a ghost comes etc., then the "beforehand" stuff that will appear later is anticlimactic since the reader already knows what's going to happen. Now, there's no more suspense.

Normally as a beta I wouldn't touch a line about a character going to see a certain concert, regardless of who the performer is, unless it was totally confusing in context. It could be character development. It could be important later. There are some betas, however, who would look at that and say, "Who's Phish? I don't know--not everyone will know--so cut it!" without giving it further pause as to why that line exists. . . . it's not that the beta reader doesn't know the band that's the problem, but the very fact the reader mentions it should give the author pause to decide if it's expressed in the best, most clear way.It's character development. This character is shown to be a modern hippie girl and the fact that she was following Phish just supports it. Just like the Deadheads of old, those whose careers were, basically, following the Dead from town to town.


Seriously, though. It's my honest opinion that you sound tired, or frustrated or simply burnt out on this project. Burnt out; maybe a little. I'm just ready to finish it and move on. And preferably get it published. :)

[maestrowork]

I think this is the avenue I'm going to take, but there is one issue. I tried something like this in a more recent rewrite, but the SYW reader said that as a result of knowing the outcome of the experiment first, that is, it failes and explodes and a ghost comes etc., then the "beforehand" stuff that will appear later is anticlimactic since the reader already knows what's going to happen. Now, there's no more suspense.

Again, take every opinion as just that: an opinion. So what if that SYW critter thought so... you need to go with your own vision. I think your problem is you're lacking confidence right now so if A says a, you'll do a, and then B says b, and you'll do b instead. You're jumping all over the place because you think everyone else is right, but you're wrong.

Listen, opening with an inciting incident and then backtracking to a few days before is nothing new. Lots of people do that, including thrillers and suspense.

But there are ways to give them what they want but still leave them in suspense. How about the machine fails, but we don't know exactly what happens next (the ghost), but leave the readers with a cliffhanger (something really bad, like he's injured or something and alone in his garage), then cut to the flashback. That way, there's suspense: what happened to him?

Just because the readers know the machine fails doesn't make it less suspenseful. The hook is in the first chapter: something happens, the machine fails, he's in danger (but we don't know what), and then the second chapter is how he's making the machine (yeah, a bit anticlimactic, but you're not really writing the climax, are you? It's an exposition chapter, for cryin' out loud) but you can still make it engaging by giving us conflicts, problems, intrigues, and FORESHADOWS of what will happen in chapter 3 and onward. Maybe it does work in Chapter 3? We don't know.

That's how you build suspense. Knowing [part of] the outcome doesn't necessarily take away the suspense.

So what if the readers know the machine fails. That's NOT what your story is about, whether the machine succeeds or fails. Like I said, if your story is about the building of a flying machine, then of course you wouldn't start with the outcome already: that it flies! However, if the story is about what happens after the machine flies, then it would be a mistake to start the story with the guys building the flying machine, because it's way too far from the beginning of the main story.

Same here, determine what your story is REALLY about and determine what the inciting incident is. Draw a time line, and then decide where your story really starts.

[maestrowork]

Chapter 1: the MC is working on a "machine" and he's on the verge of getting it to work. He DESPERATELY needs it to work, but then "something" goes wrong, and he's knocked out on the floor... (meanwhile, his wife has packed her bags and called the taxi).

Chapter 2: a few days earlier, he and his friend are working on the machine and he explains what it is (without a huge info dump, of course), and there's a conflict between him and the friend, and his friend walks out on him, leaving him to work on the machine alone. He's determined to get it to work in a couple of days (give him a high stake -- do it or "die" type of things... you've got to crank up the stakes especially in an exposition chapter) [Maybe he's either have to scrap the whole thing if it doesn't work or his wife will leave by the weekend, or something]

Chapter 3: what happens after chapter 1? Did he survive? Does the machine work after all? Will his wife leave for good?



(or, you can follow the structure of Frankenstein -- we don't get to see the monster, but the anticipation is high... we get to see and hear bits of what the doctor is trying to do... will he succeed? will he not? what would the "man" be like?... but again, is that the kind of story you're telling? You have to decide)

[underthecity]

Thank you, Ray, and everyone else, of course. I've come up with something that I think will work.

Chapter 2 has become Chapter 1. The stakes are clearly laid out at the beginning. Greg is testing his device because he is entering it into a contest hosted by a science magazine. Grand prize is $100,000 and a patent, plus a company to produce the invention. The deadline for entry is tomorrow. The invention absolutely has to work right on camera so he can send in his entry on time. He proceeds to test and demonstrate it and things go wrong until the moment before the possession. When the mist rises out of the floor, he blacks out, end of chapter.

Chapter 2 can be the flashback chapter, which was Chapter 1, just now modified.

I think this might work.

[underthecity]

Write. Something. Else.



Good advice by all.

Looks like that's what I'm going to do (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=158751).

[scarletpeaches]

I really am sorry for being so stern, Allen. Believe me it's just concern. I don't want you breaking your brain on this one book when it might be healthier (as in, less stressful) to move on to something new, particularly as there's a new little person in the world who needs a healthy dad. ;)

[Rowan]

I was once creating a short play through improvisation with two other girls. It was an assignment for improv class. We had all, before being put together in groups, come up with very detailed characters, with very detailed bios. Then our teacher had put us into groups of three to come up with a short play using our three characters.

It just so happened that the three characters that I and the other two girls had chosen were: con artist, FBI agent, police officer.

So we decided to create a scene about arresting the con artist, something I guess you'd see on CSI or something. We tried and tried. We fought and argued. Nothing we did worked.

Finally we stopped and thought for a moment. "What if," we reasoned, "we didn't do the obvious story about the FBI tracking a con woman? Just because we happen to have characters that work crazily well together that way, doesn't mean we have to make the story about that."

We came up with a totally other scene. Three friends playing poker. Three friends who also happened to be a con artist, FBI agent and police officer. The scene was emotional, intense, slightly absurdist, and totally awesome. It came together so quickly, and we all three of us loved it. And so did our teacher :) .

My point.

I know a bit about your story and have read several manifestations of your opening. Maybe you are going about it all wrong. In theory it makes sense. It's a story about a ghost machine, show the ghost machine. Get right into the story right? But it isn't working. Maybe you need something that has nothing to do with the ghost machine. Maybe you need something like . . . I dunno . . . this is just a suggestion . . . starting from the perspective of a ghost. Maybe you start in the 1800s when one of your ghosts was killed. Maybe you have your MC and his wife trying to make love, but he's so distracted, and finally she kicks him out of bed and he goes downstairs to look at his machine.

My point is, maybe a scene where the man shows someone his ghost machine and how it works is not necessary to the story. This could be a situation where we are thrust right into the middle of everything, where we accept that your MC has a ghost machine, just as most everyone has a tv. "Did you hear about what John did with the ghost machine yesterday?" "Yeah I did. Man I just don't think he's every going to get that thing to work."

Remember too that stories are first and foremost about characters. Your story isn't about a guy making a ghost machine. It's about a guy who becomes obsessed with winning scientific awards, and puts his family in grave danger because of his own selfishness. Therefore getting us into your story isn't just about establishing the ghost machine. Maybe getting us into the story is establishing your main character, establishing his ambition. Maybe the first scene is him presenting a host of inventions to a panel, getting more and more frantic as he does so, and the panel dismissing his inventions as absurd driving him to totally breakdown.

Maybe, your beginning isn't actually about the ghost machine.

Anyway, I know there's a lot of advice here on not listening to any more advice, but that's my two cents nonetheless.

Wow... brilliant advice in here!!!! :)

[Libbie]

Seduce your reader. Flash a tiny bit of flesh (metaphorically) not try and take all all your clothes off or run out of the room screaming.

Hey, naked, running, screaming has always worked for me. :ROFL:

[cscarlet]

I just wanted to tell everyone that this thread has been very, very helpful. I write some non-fiction and have been having many of the same problems with my opening. It's maddening, really. I keep going through and saying "I know I'm better than this. WTF?" But the insight in here has given me some serious food for thought, and I wanted to thank all of you for it :)