When the plot is too close to home?

[Ellefire]

I have an idea for my next book and it's good, it's solid but it's awful. Not the premise or the plot, but some of the circumstances mirror some big mistakes I made in my past.

The novel is about two sisters, the older of which had a child who died. The father of this child also fathered a child by the second sister but he didn't know that. He killed the first child to gain extra life - think of him as a life vampire, he takes the lives of his children to gain years for himself, he's about 100 years old but looks mid-twenties. Now he's found out about the second, he's coming back for him.

The circumstances of my eldest child's birth involve are similar. He was in a failing relationship after his son died. A few months later we got together.

So you can maybe see why this is very close to the knuckle for me. I want to write this, yet I'm very uncomfortable with it.

How do you deal with plots that are too close to home for comfort?

[thornhill]

How do you deal with plots that are too close to home for comfort?

That's when I know it's worth writing.

[Juliette Wade]

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't write it. You know this storyline is attached to some very visceral emotions for you, and this is something that can have great value - so long as you don't shy away from expressing those emotions. One of the things that hooks a reader and keeps them glued to the page is being able to relate to the emotional state of the protagonist. If they can feel the emotions as though they are real, then they'll probably love it. So if you can embrace it, then go for it. If it's so close to home that you find yourself avoiding touching sore spots and shying away into the bland, then this may not be the right time to write it. Try again, perhaps, when you have more distance.

I hope that helps.

[Topaz044]

Without knowing exactly what's happening in your book, it does sound like there are a lot of family dynamics going on in your book. So my question is, will your family read the book and find a lot of parallels between their lives? Do you think they'll be comfortable with that? Then again, I could be way off-base, but it sounds like that to me.

[Lady Ice]

Take that emotion and channel it into something positive. Is there any redemption for the vampire? The journey might be hard but it could be rewarding.

I have a story where the character is returning to see a child they didn't know existed, but it's a more cynical ending.

'As an actor, there's a bit of you that's decided you want to be looked at and watched, but there's a paradoxical bit that wants to run away.'
Ralph Fiennes

Same for writing. You want to write something personal...but not too personal.

[Ellefire]

It's highly likely to be read by both my parents and my daughter.

I think I'll pay around with concept a little more and see how I can tweak it, but as it stands, it really is too close for comfort. Time may be a great healer but sometimes, it has to be far, far more time than what we have.

[jennifer75]

That's when I know it's worth writing.

Gawd, you hit it right on the nail.

[nayner]

When I started one of my WIPs, I started with a plot that was VERY close to what had happened to me. As I wrote teh first draft, I played around with plot and details. I still FEEL like it's "my life" but since I changed a bunch of details, really, it's just the emotions are like my life, the details are now truely fiction. Maybe start writing the story and let it grow out into fiction. That way you keep the emotions, but the details are free to be not true to your life.

[kaitie]

I wouldn't do it. Mostly because there are other people involved, and I wouldn't want to hurt them. I'd probably change up a lot of the aspects and just take out that element altogether. Maybe have the two women be best friends instead of sisters, or perhaps not even know each other initially. I'd be more likely to do something like that. Like have the second woman leave the guy and look into his past or something and discover that he'd previously been married and had a child who died under mysterious circumstances, or maybe he tries to come after her or the child and she figures it out and is trying to find more, and that's how she meets the first woman. I'm not entirely sure. It would change major aspects, but just personally I would never write anything that would certainly hurt the people I loved, particularly in a work of fiction that could be easily changed. For me there would also be the privacy element. I am a very private person and I feel that there are many things that people just don't need to know. Even if you didn't say it outright, people would likely be able to figure out that it was you and your daughter, etc., that it was based on, and to me that's publicly airing dirty laundry, so to speak.

Just my own two cents.

[LuckyH]

To my surprise, I'm slightly on the fence on this one. I've always believed that there should be no taboos for writers. Expose yourself to the bone, and if you loose friends, then so be it; and don't ever write for your granny


But should you go out of your way to hurt those close to you? After all, there are a million stories in the world, why write one to upset close family?


But so many writers have done just that, they've ridiculed their grannies, crucified their children and rubbished their churches, all for the sake of writing fearlessly and openly.


I'm going to remain sitting on this wobbly fence, perhaps waiting for some people to die. Then I'll show them.

[Ellefire]

Basically, what I'm asking here, not whether I should write this but to the writers in general:
If your writing looks to be semi-autobiographical and based on very sore subjects that will upset people you love, should you still write it?

As Lucky says, there are a million stories. I think I'll work on something else.

[Wiskel]

I work with children with mental illness and emotional problems. A part of my work would fit under the broad heading of "counselling" or "therapy".

People who provide counselling are no more immune to tragedy than the people we work with. We all hit a point where an issue a young person brings us hits one of our own raw nerves.

We anticipate that we'll all take some of our work too personally, and we all have supervision....we use the term to refer to planned time with another professional who can help us with anything that is hitting a raw nerve.

As many have said your own emotions will flavour your writing, but if they become too much you're going to need to lean on your family or friends for support.

The second part is that if your family aren't strong enough to deal with the subject matter yet, they're going to need to lean on you. If you're the cause of their upset then they may find it harder to ask you for support. You need to know that they have a strong enough support network even if they don't come to you.

So, start with the assumption that your writing will stir up the emotions and then discuss the premise with your family. If you can't even have the discussion then that's a warning sign that the nerve is too raw. If you proceed, then plan ahead and make sure that the support available to every member of the family is strong enough.

If you have any doubts about the level of support available, or about your family's ability to be honest if they are finding it too hard then now might not be the time.

To answer your question directly, if I knew that something I was writing would upset someone important to me I would still write it AFTER talking to them and getting their blessing. If i thought for a second that anything i was writing would be too much for them to handle then i wouldn't do it.

Craig

[Lady Ice]

Emotion is abstract. The emotions you felt when it happened do not have to be forever linked to that event. There may be other stories that you can write using those emotions.

Avoid capitalising on the event; just use the emotion.

[LuckyH]

I'm generalizing now and I'm not referring to the specific sore points raised so far, and I'm still on my wobbling fence, but, as a writer, the topic has and will always interest me greatly. Are we moving towards a discussion on censorship, inadvertently?


I appreciate that this forum is US orientated, which I don't mind at all, it is the largest English speaking part of the world, after all.


So I want to return to the 'sore' writing where we may not wish to offend people, without losing our freedom to write what we consider needs to be told, and where there is a big difference between UK and US writing.


From past experience, the entire US strongly objects to two words that English writers don't hesitate about using, and I don't need to quote them here, but they are historically taboo in the US where the last lynching of a black man took place in Georgia a mere 60 years ago.


So, do we bury our heads in the sand and just write nice things about nice people? I was reading about the Booker prizes from last night, there's not much head-burying there, but from little I know, none of their books castigated their own, close family, apart from the runner-up.


Sod it, I'm back on the fence on this one.

[Karen Junker]

Here's how I'd look at it:

You don't have to show the manuscript to your family. Period.

The odds are very much against your work ever being published and even greater against your work ever receiving any public notice, so there's no need to worry about your family seeing the story unless you show it to them. Showing it to them would be an unkindness.

That said, it may be very cathartic for you to write your story. It may free up a reservoir of emotion that you have bottled up for some reason--and that can only improve your future work.

[LuckyH]

Here's how I'd look at it:

You don't have to show the manuscript to your family. Period.

The odds are very much against your work ever being published and even greater against your work ever receiving any public notice, so there's no need to worry about your family seeing the story unless you show it to them. Showing it to them would be an unkindness.

That said, it may be very cathartic for you to write your story. It may free up a reservoir of emotion that you have bottled up for some reason--and that can only improve your future work.
I'm sorry, but surely none of us write not to be published?

[Karen Junker]

I'm sorry, but surely none of us write not to be published?

Right...I get that many people write toward publication. Around here, you'll find a lot of people who write for their own amusement, too.

But I'm also aware of the overwhelming odds against a book being published. My opinions are based on many conversations with many agents and editors who have described their slush piles and given me estimates about how many manuscripts go from slush to requests and then from requests to publication. The numbers are staggering.

I think it's wonderful for a writer to have confidence in his or her writing. But the odds of a particular work making it onto the radar of a family member it's based upon are very slim. I wouldn't worry about it until the manuscript has been offered a contract by a major publisher--then you have plenty of time to decide if you want your family to see it.

[Wiskel]

I'm generalizing now and I'm not referring to the specific sore points raised so far, and I'm still on my wobbling fence, but, as a writer, the topic has and will always interest me greatly. Are we moving towards a discussion on censorship, inadvertently?


So I want to return to the 'sore' writing where we may not wish to offend people, without losing our freedom to write what we consider needs to be told, and where there is a big difference between UK and US writing.


So, do we bury our heads in the sand and just write nice things about nice people?

Sod it, I'm back on the fence on this one.

I'm hoping that nothing in my post came across as saying that we shouldn't write anything that might offend.

I would completely defend anyone's right to write something that might offend my family.

I'm just saying that I wouldn't write anything that I believed would harm my family (not just upset them) as if I write it then I compromise my ability to support them. If someone else writes it then I can still play the role I'd want to play and be there for them.

I'm also not implying that writing anything that upsets them must be harmful. If it's done well and openly it could actually be a therapeutic experience that helps people move on. Sometimes the feelings have to be out in the open to be dealt with.

Simply personal choice for me.

Craig

[LuckyH]

I'm hoping that nothing in my post came across as saying that we shouldn't write anything that might offend.

I would completely defend anyone's right to write something that might offend my family.

I'm just saying that I wouldn't write anything that I believed would harm my family (not just upset them) as if I write it then I compromise my ability to support them. If someone else writes it then I can still play the role I'd want to play and be there for them.

I'm also not implying that writing anything that upsets them must be harmful. If it's done well and openly it could actually be a therapeutic experience that helps people move on. Sometimes the feelings have to be out in the open to be dealt with.

Simply personal choice for me.

Craig

I'm sorry, but you seem to have chopped off the most important part of my post. Why?

[LuckyH]

Well, sorry again, Wiskel is the one who's buried his head in the sand, but what does it matter? Why quote a post and omit the black man's lynching. I know it's painful, but is that the answer, to ignore it?

[OpheliaRevived]

I'd read it.

[Lauretta]

If your writing looks to be semi-autobiographical and based on very sore subjects that will upset people you love, should you still write it?

I do not think writing is something you SHOULD do. Writers decide what they want to write.
Personally, I would not write something that upsets ME. I am saying so because thinking of being the cause of pain for somebody else will upset me first.
While I write, I have to deal with my emotions, not with others. If I am not strong enough to explore that level of unconscious I would try to avoid it, or I would try to make the story up in a way no one would recognise themselves or their circumstances, unless I want people know "their behavior" affected me OR I think it's time for me to move on.
I am not sure it make sense?

[Wiskel]

I'm sorry, but you seem to have chopped off the most important part of my post. Why?

At the time of my post there were 4 points in my head.

1. Are we moving into a discussion about censorship?
2. Is it ok to write something that might offend
3. Your example (which I must confess isn't clear enough for me to guess which two words you're referring to. I'm english by the way and not familiar with whatever historical comparison you're trying to make. Had I understood it I might have had something to say.)
4. The OPs question about the pros and cons of offending your own family with your writing...with the specific emphesis on family.


I wanted to add to points 1,2 and 4.

I had no specific thoughts on point 3 and so edited that part of your post to focus on the points I wanted to make.

No offence was intended. I apologise if any was taken Your full post was still there for any to read.


Craig

[Ruth2]

I had this happen to me in a semi-sort-of way. I wrote a three act comedy that was produced and since my mom couldn't be there to see it, we taped one of the shows. Dumb me.. I'd avoided the mine field of my own family and instead wrote her family, all full of their issues. Her only remark to me after seeing the video was --"I never knew you saw us that way." That was it.

Now would I do it again? Probably, but I'd warn her that there might be some stuff from her family in it. And really I didn't use any of the overtly tragic stuff. But it was close enough...

So, I'd at least warn your family that there might be some stuff in your book that would be sensitive. And as Kaitie said, I'd probably change some stuff up, make it less recognizable.

My two cents....

[LuckyH]

Does flogging a dead horse ever make sense? Or is it as bad as starting any writing with a cliche?


If a writer categorically writes of a grandmother who severely beat him as a child, locked him in tiny, dark cupboards so that she would no longer hear his cries of anguish, and finally branded him with a red-hot iron, leaving a scar for life; should that writer consider the effects his words may have on his mother and other family members?


Maybe I stretched the point in comparing writing truthfulness with an understandable US reticence to write about the darkness of slavery and all its horrors; I could have added the English avoidance of any negative mention of the Royal family in case it upsets the entire nation; or the fact that Germans don't want to be reminded of the War.


I tried climbing off my fence but felt too uncomfortable on the ground and climbed back up. Maybe it's better (it's certainly easier) to leave those uncomfortable truths alone. Let braver people tell of them.

[Wiskel]

Does flogging a dead horse ever make sense? Or is it as bad as starting any writing with a cliche?


If a writer categorically writes of a grandmother who severely beat him as a child, locked him in tiny, dark cupboards so that she would no longer hear his cries of anguish, and finally branded him with a red-hot iron, leaving a scar for life; should that writer consider the effects his words may have on his mother and other family members?


Maybe I stretched the point in comparing writing truthfulness with an understandable US reticence to write about the darkness of slavery and all its horrors; I could have added the English avoidance of any negative mention of the Royal family in case it upsets the entire nation; or the fact that Germans don't want to be reminded of the War.


I tried climbing off my fence but felt too uncomfortable on the ground and climbed back up. Maybe it's better (it's certainly easier) to leave those uncomfortable truths alone. Let braver people tell of them.


If a writer categorically writes of a grandmother who severely beat his sister as a child, locked her in tiny, dark cupboards so that she would no longer hear her cries of anguish, and finally branded her with a red-hot iron, leaving a scar for life; should that writer consider the effects his words may have on his sister and other family members?


In my view, this thread hinges on the word "compassion." The question I've been addressing is should a writer voluntarily self censor in the name of compassion.

I highlighted and changed a section of your text to illustrate how a small change in emphesis can dramatically change the amount of compassion we feel for the person who may be hurt.

This is too personal an issue for there to be any right or wrong answer. In this particular issue there is only personal choice.

Craig

[kaitie]

I'm with Wiskel on this one. I think. :tongue. If it's an issue that touched me specifically that's one thing. If I'm writing about abuse I experienced or some tragedy that basically was focused on myself, then I would be willing to say write it out (unless it's too painful) because it might be cathartic. But if the issue is something that might hurt someone else, for instance a story about someone close to me that will bring back bad memories for them, or in the example given that might hurt a child (for example having a child as a result of rape and writing about it, especially if said child doesn't know--and even if they did talk about potential to bring up some very psychologically traumatic issues), then I would definitely not even consider doing it. I don't consider that censorship, I consider it respect. If it is about something I did that hurt someone else, then I would doubly not do it because I think it's absolutely terrible to hurt someone once and then reopen wounds.

Frank McCourt waited until his mother died to write his memoir. I'd say no story is worth hurting your family or loved ones.

[LuckyH]

I'm with Wiskel on this one. I think. :tongue. If it's an issue that touched me specifically that's one thing. If I'm writing about abuse I experienced or some tragedy that basically was focused on myself, then I would be willing to say write it out (unless it's too painful) because it might be cathartic. But if the issue is something that might hurt someone else, for instance a story about someone close to me that will bring back bad memories for them, or in the example given that might hurt a child (for example having a child as a result of rape and writing about it, especially if said child doesn't know--and even if they did talk about potential to bring up some very psychologically traumatic issues), then I would definitely not even consider doing it. I don't consider that censorship, I consider it respect. If it is about something I did that hurt someone else, then I would doubly not do it because I think it's absolutely terrible to hurt someone once and then reopen wounds.

Frank McCourt waited until his mother died to write his memoir. I'd say no story is worth hurting your family or loved ones.

Frank McCourt is the perfect example I couldn't think of. I wasn't aware that he waited until his mother died, but he didn't wait until the rest of his family died, nor the town of Limerick, nor the whole of Ireland.


He wrote well and made a fortune hurting his family, friends and former country, and I'm not decrying him, though I hesitate applauding his courage, I don't know enough about him personally.


For what it's worth, I thought the follow-up, Tis, was rubbish.


Craig, I don't think the shift in emphasis makes any difference.

[Cliff Face]

I think even writing about how you've been hurt can be bad for your family, because it shines a light on all the things you've never told them. That said, I think the line is drawn where it's your pain that you're writing about - if it's about family's pain then perhaps I'd steer clear of it until I knew they were level-headed about the whole thing, and even then I'd probably mask some of it with similarities, and not broadcast to them that it's about them.

But then again, I write with humour, so I tend to avoid the painful subjects in a manner. I've thought about writing about personal tragedy and suffering, but it'd be masked to be something else, not only because of not wanting to have family suspect these things had happened to me, but also because to make it a story things have to be added, and certain things omitted, and everything brought back into relevance by averaging what the theme of the book is. In the end, such an end product wouldn't bother me.

Now, I forget who started this thread, but they did mention that it involved child death (which is something that people typically mourn for the rest of their lives) and placing blame on a father figure by demonising him - to me, that's gotta hurt someone, if not everyone who sees the parallels between the story and their lives.

I wouldn't do it, but I've never been brave, and like I said, I like to write comedy.

Good luck.

[Canotila]

To the original poster:

When I have something I want to write but it brings up painful memories and emotions, I weight how much I want to write it with how difficult it is for me. Eventually it gets written, as I am able to handle. Some times it will take a few weeks or months to get through certain sections. The whole process is pretty therapeutic, and in the end I am glad to have it out regardless of whether anybody else ever sees it.

Now, if this is something you are wanting to write and submit for publication, you can always consider doing it under a pseudonym and not tell your family if you are uncomfortable with them being exposed to it.

Honestly, it sounds like a pretty awesome story. I would read it based on the information you gave.

[LuckyH]

Thinking back to Frank McCourt and other writers who have made fortunes from what I would call self-flagellation. I readily confess to reading some of those books with enjoyment, perhaps Schadenfreude, even.


Neither are attractive qualities, but can a respectful attitude to others, in this context close family, ever lead to the exciting writing that people want to read? Is passion better than compassion? If you're waiting for a definitive answers from me, don't read on.


All grannies are not nice people sitting in their rocking chairs knitting, someone put the noose around that black man's neck in Georgia, some perverts do lock up their daughters in underground cellars and abuse them for years, and some brilliant writers have the courage to write about it.


Someone said to me quite recently, “Are you man or mouse?” I had to think about it before replying.

[kaitie]

To me the difference in emphasis is who is being hurt and whether or not there is any control over that. If I write about a negative experience that I had, I'm in control and don't have to push myself beyond where I am willing. If I write about someone else's experience, unless they are incredibly involved in the writing process, that control doesn't exist. They don't have a choice in the matter, and especially in the case of a published book, it's going to be likely to bring up painful memories at the least, and probably be embarrassing and shameful at the same time--at least to the person in question.

It's not that I think it doesn't take courage. And I think writing about being victimized by someone is one thing. I have little sympathy for the person doing the abuse. I wouldn't name names, but I wouldn't feel bad about it, either. The issue for me is more one of harming people who might also be victims. Again, in the case of emphasis mentioned above. Or in the author's original case where the case involved a) losing a child, b) having someone close to the family have an affair with her husband, and c) a child being born of that union. In that case there isn't a clear cut abuser or anything, but a lot of victims. Sister, child, maybe even husband.
It's a difficult choice to make and I just think it should be consider who might be hurt. I'm actually appalled at celebrity "tell all" stories that come out and just destroy families. I guess I just can't see any book being worth family or friends.

I can't imagine publishing a family story under a pen name and not telling, either. This might be a personal thing. I figure there is always too much of a chance of someone finding out, and then you have the doubly hurtful standard of having essentially lied to them to do it. If I was going to do something like this, I'd make darn sure everyone involved had read the manuscript and given it an okay before ever considering publishing it.

[Canotila]

I can't imagine publishing a family story under a pen name and not telling, either. This might be a personal thing. I figure there is always too much of a chance of someone finding out, and then you have the doubly hurtful standard of having essentially lied to them to do it. If I was going to do something like this, I'd make darn sure everyone involved had read the manuscript and given it an okay before ever considering publishing it.

If it were a biographical account of real life events, then yes I would agree with you. In this case it's inspired by a similar circumstance, with a definite paranormal/fantasy twist so I don't think it falls exactly into the same realm. There's a real chance family members could read it knowing she wrote it, and not even realize where the inspiration came from because not everybody interprets what the writer puts into a work in the same way.

I don't know, it seems like everything everybody writes comes from their own life experiences in some way or other. If you want to write it without hurting family, you can get their approval or whatever. Or you can twist it up enough that the parallels are no longer recognizable.

If everybody tried to write things that didn't hurt anybody's feelings, all of our books would read like reruns of My Little Pony.

[Alpha Echo]

Basically, what I'm asking here, not whether I should write this but to the writers in general:
If your writing looks to be semi-autobiographical and based on very sore subjects that will upset people you love, should you still write it?

As Lucky says, there are a million stories. I think I'll work on something else.

Okay, this makes more sense than what I got out of the OP.

If you're going to hurt those you love, I would say no. Don't do it.

If it's a story about something that happened to you, sorta, kinda, that's different. For example, one of my novels revolved around a rape - something I experienced but very few know about. One of my sisters know, and a few close friends. So they know how that story began. It was hard to write, but necessary for me. But I made the story and the MC so very different from me and my own life despite the rape that I was able to cope. It didn't hurt anyone - it just hurt me to relive it as I wrote it.

Maybe, if you feel it might be theraputic to write, write it just for yourself.

[JennW]

That's when I know it's worth writing.
Ditto.

[LuckyH]

I'm still thinking of books that hurt people close to the author, like those where mothers write of their children's drug addiction in great detail. Personally, I wouldn't do that, because I can't see how such revelations benefit anyone, leaving aside financial ones for the writer.


I abhor those celebrity books which are only published because of some scandal to shock the reader, often a minor event in an otherwise boring life.


Neither do I agree with needless revelations which only cause hurt to someone unnecessarily and are of no interest to anyone else.


But I have every sympathy with a writer who tells it as it was, whether granny likes it or not, if the story needs to be told. We write what we know, don't we. I know of no other way.


But at times I still sit with my pen poised and think of my granny. What would she think, even from beyond the grave? And does my stepfather deserve to be reminded of that time when he punched me? I tried to punch him back, didn't I? And I'm keeping the big one right to the end, the mother who has never been mentioned. My lips are still sealed. Why? Out of respect? Out of loyalty? Or sheer cowardice from this mouse with the quivering pen?

[Ellefire]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellefire http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=4121514#post4121514)
Basically, what I'm asking here, not whether I should write this but to the writers in general:
If your writing looks to be semi-autobiographical and based on very sore subjects that will upset people you love, should you still write it?

As Lucky says, there are a million stories. I think I'll work on something else.

Okay, this makes more sense than what I got out of the OP.

Sorry about that, my thinking was quite muddy when I wrote the OP. By very strange co-incidence, the man in question made contact yesterday, after over 16 years. So now this isn't buried history, but something ongoing and I definitely can't face writing about it.

This is an interesting discussion though. It's been fascinating reading how other writers deal with emotive writing. Thank you for your replies.

[ToddWBush]

Someone who is a way better writer than me once said:

"No tears from the author, no tears from the reader."

[Pomegranate]

Personally, since this is a first draft, I'd go ahead and write it warts and all (for the catharsis value if nothing else). Then I would look for ways to edit the segment so it kept the same emotional punch but was not so clearly autobiographical. If, in the end, you feel that it would be too hurtful if published, THEN I'd scrap it and change the story.

In general I don't worry about what my family will think until after I finish the first draft. I want that version to go for the gut as much as possible so I refuse to self-censor. In my experience, I may start writing something that is autobiographical, but as the story progresses and the characters take on their own lives, things drift and recognition by others is less of a problem.*

However, that said, I wouldn't publish anything about a real person (fictionalized or not) that I would not say right to their face.

To the OP -- How weird that he showed up after so many years!



*For example, I wrote a novel about an experience with an unpleasant coworker. By the time I was done with the draft, the characters were so different from myself and the coworker, libel was no longer any risk, even though I killed off the coworker's counterpart in the story.

[rosiroo]

I have the same thing with a WIP dealing with several of my exes. I actually had to give up writing it for a while. I would say it's a good thing that your writing will be so real, but make sure you deal with any issues beforehand, and take breaks from it to work on something else if necessary. I've put mine away for a while, but I know I'll come back to it, and the feelings will still be there, ready to be written about.