Fun With DS Titles [Archive] - Absolute Write Water Cooler

SouthernFriedJulie

11-14-2009, 06:14 PM

We've all seen them. We've all shook our heads and thought- "That's a one step answer"

So, post your titles and your answers.

Here's an example:

How to Properly Test a Woman's Hormone Levels
Step 1: Ask if she's gained weight.
Step 2: Duck
Step 3: Hide

If she cries- she's possibly pregnant. Hunting you down and removing your genitals may indicate pre-menstrual syndrome. Both are high hormone situations. Giving you the bird while stressing the link between canines, your mother, and your biological father may indicate medium hormone levels.

Tips: Wear running shoes.
Warnings: Hormonal women can /kill/ you

Heh. You don't have to go that long. I just was having a giggle.

princessvessna

11-14-2009, 10:30 PM

I see a ton of stuff with editing and QA.

One I just got :

"Can Anyone Claim Whatever They Want on Their Deductions?"

YES...if you want to meet an IRS agent

SouthernFriedJulie

11-15-2009, 12:45 AM

I just saw- How To Remove An Infected Prostate'

My husband answered that one. After his initial look of pure horror he asked "WHY would you need to learn that?"

princessvessna

11-15-2009, 03:17 AM

Ah, this is in the "Need a Time Machine" Category :

Why Won't Bush Bail Out the Auto Industry?

Also:
How to Gross Up a Figure

Huh?

tpridgen

11-15-2009, 04:00 AM

There was one a few days ago: "How to tell your mother you're pregnant."

I grabbed it. Sailed right through without a rewrite. Easiest $15 I've ever made. :)

lisake

11-15-2009, 04:05 AM

Just saw "How to Perform a Mastectomy."

Maybe surgeons visit e-how for professional advice?

SouthernFriedJulie

11-15-2009, 04:24 AM

Just saw "How to Perform a Mastectomy."

Maybe surgeons visit e-how for professional advice?

Remind me /not/ to visit the doctor office anytime soon.

plaidearthworm

11-15-2009, 06:49 AM

"How To Use A Nut Splitter"
For references, use the America's Funniest Home Video website....

"How To Relocate A Weeping Cherry Tree"
Break it to them very gently....

"How To Use a Claw Hammer"
Swing. Hit Thumb. Curse. Swing again. Hit nail at angle and bend nail. Swing. Hit thumb again. Throw hammer. Go to Home Depot and buy nail gun.

stldenise

11-15-2009, 07:40 AM

I've been seeing some weird ones latetly, but...and this is scarey...I just went to the DS sight to get the exact wording and someone checked them out! One was something about making a flashlight into a taser... But the one on making a flushable camping toliet is still available if anybody wants it.

stldenise

11-15-2009, 08:13 AM

Now you have me looking for them!

"How to decorate with an old wood pallet"
1)Place pallet in living room.
2)Raise to desired height with cinder blocks.
3)Place tv remotes on top.

"How to decorate with a large mirror in your dining room"
1)Find a large mirror.
2)Bolt to dining room wall.
3) Admire.

"How to decorate by painting faux river rocks."
1) Get a bag of rocks.
2) Paint.
3) Put in a bowl.

Maybe I should check these out instead of just laughing at them.

lisake

11-15-2009, 03:43 PM

How to drink coffee after brain surgery:

1. Slowly bring mug to lips and sip.

Same as before surgery, no?

eric11210

11-15-2009, 07:02 PM

SouthernFriedJulie

11-15-2009, 08:59 PM

Hmm. Well here are a few from Textbroker just for some fun variety:

"Hair growth inhibitor" Uhm. . .burn the hair follicles off? :Shrug:

"homemade hair removal" (ouch. That one would make me nervous).

"The best mini diggers on the market today." Okay, here's my answer to that one:

Find a kid who likes digging. . . :tongue

BTW, I gave up on Text Broker since the pay is so abysmal.

DS is about the only content place to reject me, but to be honest, given what people are saying about the editors there, I'm not sure I want to try again.

Eric

I have a Textbroker account. Never used it, the pay was so flipping bad. DS editors really aren't that bad. There are other places, too. Have you checked HubPages and Associated Content? I get the most revenue from eHow- which is actually Demand Studios but anyone can write and join the writer compensation plan.

Before anyone smacks me for promoting AC- did you guys know that they have special assignments? I did some on Diabetes- $25 for an article.

eric11210

11-15-2009, 10:01 PM

I assume you were suggesting AC and Hubpages because of my location, correct?

In spite of what it says there, I'm actually an American with an American address, phone number and social security number. I just happen to currently be located overseas, but I still have my home in the USA. I did consider Hubpages and AC but didn't want to write for either one because they don't seem to have editorial standards as to who they would allow to write for them and I didn't want my name associated with them.

I have an account with Examiner, Suite101, BrightHub (haven't written for them yet, but I was approved already) and Life123.

The truth is though that I'm extremely busy because I get tons of work from other places, both from private clients I found on my own and from Elance (speaking of sites people hate). I started on Elance with a crappy job which actually made the pay at Textbroker look good by comparison, but it paid off handsomely because I then started to get better paid jobs and these days I'm earning similar numbers to what DS pays for the jobs I do.

For example, I regularly get $12 each for blog posts, which are much easier to write than the typical DS article (from what I understand) and have gotten as much as $50 for a single article there (actually that job was just an edit/rewrite for an op ed article which took all of 20 minutes to do).

Thanks for the suggestions though.

Eric

SouthernFriedJulie

11-15-2009, 11:43 PM

Nope. Just suggested them as alternatives to DS and Textbroker.

I had an Examiner account but dumped them. AC and HubPages are a place where a lot of us place things that weren't paid for by clients, came from old blogs, and the like.

Really, DS isn't hard to write for. Trust me, I have a long, long history of DS bashing. Hated the joint. Held a grudge from 2007 until September of this year, in fact. After writing for magazines, trade publications, and certain blogs- I found that DS really helps fill in the gaps between payments and clients. Some of the copy editors are out there, but not all.

Like any place of employment, you're going to have people that irritate the crap out of you. You're going to have misunderstandings between editorial and yourself, but it isn't that bad. Before I got started in freelancing, I worked in nursing homes. As much as I loved the job and the people I cared for- writing for DS (and even the other content sites) when I need extra cash and dealing with a few whackjobs now and then is a sight better than being elbow deep in poo or having the crap beat out of me. (i worked in the mental ward of one county home for a while)

Whatever you do- I'm sure you'll keep getting better jobs like you've done already!

eric11210

11-15-2009, 11:50 PM

Yeah, what you do with AC and Hubpages I do with Life123. I know I'll never get more than $20 there for my work, but to be honest, I doubt I'll hit that number at AC or hubpages either. At least at Life123 I only need 1050 views for the max payment. . .and to at least get something (i.e. $5), I just need 50 views which isn't hard to get.

Eric

SouthernFriedJulie

11-16-2009, 01:39 AM

lisake

11-16-2009, 05:33 AM

Just saw a strategy guide for Monkey Skateboard Tricks. Can't imagine who (besides the person who writes it) is going to read that one.

stldenise

11-16-2009, 11:57 PM

"How to craft with bowling balls."

Huh?

stldenise

11-16-2009, 11:59 PM

Ok, I just picked up "Beauty Tips for Boys." Sounds like fun.

Shadow_Ferret

11-17-2009, 12:01 AM

Wow. You guys buy the weirdest games for your Nintendo DS. I've never seen any of them at the gamestore, however.

stldenise

11-17-2009, 12:01 AM

"How to Give Baby Goats Slippery Elm for Diarrhea"

Any goat herders around for this one?

stldenise

11-17-2009, 12:03 AM

"Kolcraft Baby Vibrator Battery Removal"

If I didn't know that Kolcraft was a crib manufacturer...this could be taken the wrong way.

SouthernFriedJulie

11-17-2009, 12:33 AM

Wow. You guys buy the weirdest games for your Nintendo DS. I've never seen any of them at the gamestore, however.

You're not looking hard enough. Ask the guy to look in the back.

lisake

11-17-2009, 01:54 AM

Wow. You guys buy the weirdest games for your Nintendo DS. I've never seen any of them at the gamestore, however.

Rolling on the floor after reading a second time and finally "getting it."

lonestarlibrarian

11-17-2009, 10:17 AM

Wow... two ends of the spectrum.

"How to Get IRS Forms From Your Library."

Step 1: Go to your library.
Step 2: Ask the librarian where they keep the IRS forms.

versus

"How to Deal with Defiant Teenagers" in 400 words. :o)

princessvessna

11-19-2009, 03:06 AM

I really wonder about some people....

"Who Wrote "Time of My Life" by David Cook?"

SouthernFriedJulie

11-19-2009, 04:18 AM

I really wonder about some people....

"Who Wrote "Time of My Life" by David Cook?"

:roll:

princessvessna

11-19-2009, 04:26 AM

:roll:

LOL ok it makes a LITTLE more sense after all..it's a song, and David Cook is a singer. I looked it up. Teach me to laugh at people. But really, some of these titles I get in editing (which I love!) are just as dumb.

Oh and just to be nice... I'll point out that there's a LOT of tips available right now. I really like them at $3 a pop for only 30-50 words.

plaidearthworm

11-19-2009, 04:28 AM

lonestar, that's a great one, LOL! I went back to see if it had been claimed. Hope you got it, because that would be an easy $15. Here's one I saw yesterday that made me laugh:

"How to Make a Baby Generator"

Ummm, tell your wife her biological clock is ticking and give her a show on TLC?

SouthernFriedJulie

11-21-2009, 06:36 AM

"How to Become an HIV Provider"

No. No. No. NO.

Too many jokes, none of them polite.

Yes, I claimed this for a very easy $7.50- "Is Swine Flu Contagious?"

Angie

11-22-2009, 05:50 AM

"How to Find a Thai Woman"

Step 1: Buy a ticket to Thailand

The End.

Angie

11-22-2009, 08:58 AM

How to Make a Prosthetic Leg for a Cat

Which should have a follow-up article: How to Attach a Prosthetic Leg to a Cat

And THAT should be an interesting read...

SouthernFriedJulie

11-22-2009, 11:57 PM

I'm amused that How to Overrule a Traffic Ticket Judgment is in Sexuality.

plaidearthworm

11-23-2009, 12:20 PM

"How to Publish a Book and Make Money"--

If I knew the secret, would I be writing all these articles? :P

princessvessna

11-24-2009, 03:22 AM

Ok...so they probably mean those cones to keep a dog from scratching. And they mean the big ol tubs, not the regular cartons... but it just sounds funny

How Can I Make a Cone for a Dog's Head With an Ice Cream Container?

princessvessna

11-24-2009, 10:54 AM

And this just makes me smile

How to Make My House Into a Hobbithole

lisake

11-25-2009, 04:50 AM

Just saw "How to Find a Com Port That is Not There."

Same way you find anything that's not there, I imagine.

princessvessna

11-25-2009, 10:32 AM

How to Get Grant Money From the Bill Gate's Fountain

I am pretty sure they mean foundation, because I don't think Bill Gates would like people fishing out money from his fountain :)

Dreamer76

01-01-2010, 12:04 AM

"How to Get the Yellow out of White Hair"

:Shrug:

joyce

01-01-2010, 12:27 AM

The one that struck me as funny lately was "How to Locate People Living in a Cave". I can only assume if I were living in a cave I'd probably not want anyone to find me.

Fatal Serenity

01-14-2010, 01:44 AM

"How to Cut a Tree Down with a Hydraulic Jack"

Unless you're stupid, you don't.

Still Seaking

01-16-2010, 01:21 AM

Is riddex dangerous to the computer?

If the computer is in the place you put the riddex in I don't think riddex is going to be the danger to your computer.

Still Seaking

01-16-2010, 01:25 AM

Where Can You Use Life Insurance As Collateral in AL?

So they are guaranteed to get their money back if you die. Of course the mafia works like that don’t they?

KT Golightly

01-17-2010, 12:45 PM

I am lmao over here.

(I don't know how to make the smilies work over here since I can't see them when I am posting. If I was able to access the smilies, I would insert the one with it laying on the floor laughing)

SouthernFriedJulie

01-19-2010, 06:46 PM

How to Make Cyber Skin

I know the economy is rough and all, but I figure going out on a date is a lot cheaper than formulating this stuff.

Still Seaking

01-20-2010, 01:17 AM

How to Clean the Air With Ozone

Fatal Serenity

01-21-2010, 09:17 AM

"Gifts for Teachers with Apples"

Grammar is clearly not an issue here. Apparently the teacher must already have an apple to receive a gift.

stldenise

01-22-2010, 10:18 PM

"Gifts for Teachers with Apples"

Grammar is clearly not an issue here. Apparently the teacher must already have an apple to receive a gift.

Maybe the teacher has too many apples and needs a good peeler?

treehugger

01-27-2010, 12:54 AM

Available right now for LiveStrong:

How to Make Your Butt Bigger without Surgery

Step 1. Buy doughnuts.
Step 2. Sit down.
Step 3. Stuff face.
Step 4. Repeat steps 1-3 until your butt is the desired size.

SouthernFriedJulie

01-27-2010, 12:56 AM

stldenise

01-27-2010, 01:17 AM

:eek: I wonder what the heck they were looking for??

KT Golightly

01-28-2010, 02:55 AM

eric11210

02-07-2010, 12:42 PM

Just so that we can keep this thread going, here's one I found today:

How Do I Stop My Computer DVD From Chattering?

Uhm. . .tell it to talk to other DVDs on it's own time?

Eric

Satori1977

02-09-2010, 10:17 PM

These are hilarious! I am laughing so hard, that I am now crying. Thanks, and keep 'em coming!

Satori1977

02-09-2010, 10:18 PM

How to Make a Prosthetic Leg for a Cat

Which should have a follow-up article: How to Attach a Prosthetic Leg to a Cat

And THAT should be an interesting read...

Thought this one was interesting because they are starting to do prosthetics for dogs. I used to work with a vet that helped pioneer this, and helped take care of one of the first dog receipients of a prosthetic limb.

Satori1977

02-09-2010, 10:33 PM

How to Undergo a Prostatectomy
1. Go to the hospital
2. Let them knock you out

How to Calculate Flow Through an Orifice...this one is funny because it is under Conditions, Diseases and Treatments...just made me think of bad things shooting out of orifices (vomit, diarrhea....who wants to read an article about that??)

How to Shrink Your Bladder
1. Pee

How to Read a Pap Smear Cytology Slide...do people really do their own at home pap smears??

How to Extract Poison From the Skin With Hot Water in a Bottle
What?!?

How to Remove a Lazy Susan?
1. Tell her to get out

Introduction to Work Attitude & Value Enhancement...I found this one under Sexuality ;-)

dochas

02-18-2010, 08:48 PM

"Strapless Bra Dangers"

:Wha:

dochas

02-18-2010, 09:28 PM

"How to Protect Your Car Paint Against Fire"

Um, don't park to close to a burning building? 'cause I'm thinkin' if my car's on fire, I've got way bigger problems than the paint job! :eek:

Caroline

02-19-2010, 04:46 AM

LOL!!! This thread is the best laugh I've had all day. I sooo needed that.

Available now:

How many miles per day is safe to drive?
1. Depends on how many Red Bulls you've had

Is berber carpet still in?
1. No, but I hear shag is making a comeback

Is gorilla glue the best?
1. Personally, I prefer to glue orangutans.

dochas

02-19-2010, 09:30 PM

"How to Date an Enamel & Chrome Table"

Start small. First you meet for coffee....

dochas

02-19-2010, 09:54 PM

"The Best Way to Seal in Cat Urine Smell on Wood Floors"

Huh??? Most people want smells OUT of their floors, but hey, different strokes....

eric11210

02-24-2010, 02:15 PM

Had to share this one. Located under food:

How to Remove Potting Material From a PC Board

treehugger

02-26-2010, 11:22 PM

Currently on LiveStrong:

How to Be Healthy Without Eating Healthy Food

Um.

How to Cook for Healthy Healing

As opposed to unhealthy healing?

Then this next one raises my feminist hackles:

How to Gain Weight in the Right Places

Because god forbid you have body fat anywhere other than your boobs and hips (which I'm assuming are the "right" places).

eric11210

03-01-2010, 07:49 PM

How to Use Bionic Ear to Find Refrigerant Leaks

Because the Bionic Woman has now become a refrigerator repair woman.

eric11210

03-01-2010, 07:51 PM

Or this one for the junior safecrackers:

How to Open a Safe Without the Key

treehugger

03-02-2010, 01:57 AM

How to Use Bionic Ear to Find Refrigerant Leaks

Because the Bionic Woman has now become a refrigerator repair woman.

Well, ya know, the economy's down. We all have to make do.

jana13k

03-02-2010, 05:01 PM

I saw How to Get the Goat Taste Out of Goat Meat - gross.

But I once wrote How to Dry Your Hands After Washing - $15 greatness!

eric11210

03-02-2010, 05:30 PM

I saw How to Get the Goat Taste Out of Goat Meat - gross.

But I once wrote How to Dry Your Hands After Washing - $15 greatness!

I've had similar things to that. Like these two for $15 each:

Online Bachelors Degrees
Accredited Bachelors Degrees Online (or something to that affect)

I also got $15 for explaining the difference between a visa and a passport.

Still Seaking

03-03-2010, 12:22 AM

How to make a bucket seat = $15

SS

Amelia23

03-03-2010, 02:09 PM

Just wanted to pop in and say, "Thank you for the laughs." This thread was just what I needed to read.

Still Seaking

03-03-2010, 02:19 PM

"How to Face My Fireplace With Stone"

Turn towards the fireplace

Arrange furniture so that when you will be sitting you will be facing your fireplace with stone.

SS

NicoleJLeBoeuf

03-06-2010, 04:00 AM

This is great.

For maximum LOLz, note what category the title is under. DS's titles show up under infamously inappropriate categories.

I recall "How To Stop A Dog Barking" being under "Religion"; clearly some people's religious restrictions are very strict. By the time I stopped laughing, it was gone again.

Someone in the DS Forums Title Categorization thread, where this gets complained about, noticed "How To Make A Macrame Swing" showing up filed under "Music and Audio." "Yes," he quipped, "but can your macrame do the Lindy Hop?"

Angie

03-16-2010, 03:03 AM

This one's not really funny: How to Make a Sling for a Baby Wallaby -- it just caught my eye because, really, how many people in the world need to do an Internet search for this??

Still Seaking

03-23-2010, 05:52 AM

How to Create your Own Trash Cans

I claimed it, put the “trash cans” together and told how to buy a popcorn tin, eat the popcorn, clean the can and put a plastic bag in it. Very easy $15. I think I like some of these titles we make fun of. They’re funny but they’re also easy money. Can’t believe some of them but hey, as long as they keep the money coming in…

SS

Caroline

03-24-2010, 05:02 AM

"How to make a concrete apron"

Don't think it would be very comfortable...

"How to make urban clothing"

I'd like to know what rural and suburban clothing looks like.

"How to make your own subliminals"

Send out subliminal thoughts. Wait for desired reactions.

Sarashay

03-24-2010, 08:16 PM

This one I actually TOOK, and it's currently under copyeditor review:

"Can i get sirius radio on my 3g iphone ?"

(C&P'ed exactly, btw.)

I actually managed to get an entire Decision article out of what basically amounted to "why, yes, there's an app for that."

Caroline

03-25-2010, 12:21 AM

Under the Home Improvement category:

"Ape soldering tips"

1. Hold down ape
2. Attempt to solder ape
3. Run from angry ape

jana13k

03-25-2010, 05:48 PM

Under the Home Improvement category:

"Ape soldering tips"

1. Hold down ape
2. Attempt to solder ape
3. Run from angry ape

The titles are often funny, especially taken out of context, but a concrete apron is an extension of an existing concrete slab - think adding a slab next to your driveway for your boat.

ape - is actually A.P.E. - Automated Production Equipment - they make soldering supplies and equipment.

I write a lot of home improvement/construction articles. There was a comment about "Gorilla Glue" also by someone, but that's actually the strongest glue to use on wood.

The problem is the Title QA's don't know what the stuff is either, so the sentences don't read well sometimes or the capitalization isn't right. Also, I don't know if a person selects the categories, but they need to be horse-whipped. :)

zoomusic

03-26-2010, 07:01 AM

I grabbed 'Hairball Related Gifts' a few weeks ago. I thought it was a joke, but...I wrote about putting together a 'gift basket' for a new cat owner full of, well, hairball related gifts. Petromalt, a cat comb, a funny novelty hairball joke mug...it went through, no re-writes.

princessvessna

03-29-2010, 12:01 PM

From what I hear, it's a computer that does the categorizing, though they were supposed to start using some new sort of method. If I come across a title like Ape soldering tips...after a giggle, I go off to Google and try to figure out how that title could even work out. (I do title editing, where I just fix up the title as best I can. It's really hard sometimes to do something with the titles we are given since we can't mess around with it much)

I just edited :

How to Put Someone to Sleep Using the Nerve Pinch

If only I could add in Vulcan...I suppose I could, but we're told to not add in words if possible. Besides, anyone who is a Trekkie will know that's what was meant :)