Advice...

[dreamfroggy]

Could I get some thoughts on what is wrong with this passage and how to make it better?

She sat atop the mound of dirt waiting for the violet light that would signal the creature beneath her was waking. She knew it was wrong, she knew that countless people would be in terrible danger, but she found she just didn’t care.



From the time she escaped the small room in the convent that had been her home for centuries and make her way across the inky black water all she could think about was getting to this spot and being here when he or, (she wasn’t sure anymore) woke up.



It was forbidden ages ago when the Elders tore her away from the being beneath her, the bastards had send her to that damnable place to be hidden away by the “Holy Ones” and put him in the ground beneath her where he rested. He had exhausted his power trying to keep them away. How they had known to bring “One of the Order” to stand with them. Even then they only had the power to seal him in the ground.



Raven smiled at their limited knowledge; they failed to remove his heart.







He would rise again.

[icerose]

Not a real published author so take my advice at whatever risk :)

They all seem wordy. Try condensing them down and rearranging them. I have played them below, I don't know if its any better though.

She sat atop the hill waiting for the violet light's manefestation, signaling the rise of a dark and terrible creature. She was beyond moral implications and the knowledge that countless people would perish no longer pricked at her hardened conscience.

From the time she escaped the small room in the convent, her home for centuries, and swam through the inky black waters to freedom, all she could think about was coming here. This cursed place where he/she would rise.

This place brought her a small amount of comfort, despite the memories of being torn away from this being who now rested beneath her. The Elders, "Holy Ones", forbade her from ever returning. They sealed away the only being she had ever loved. He had exhaused his powers trying to save her, even then they could only contain him. Through all those years of imprisonment, she could never figure out how they had known to bring "One of the Order" to stand with them. Bile rose in her throat and she spat at the ground, hoping to remove the bitter memories from her thoughts.

Hope these help to perhaps see what you like and don't like about your paragraphs more clearly. If not maybe someone else can come along and rescue you from my quick re-writing attempts :D

[zarch]

Wordiness is a problem here. Also, I would try to find a way to say "she" a little less. Here's my revised version:

From atop the hill she waited for the violet light that would signal the hidden creature's awakening. She knew it was wrong, that countless people would be in terrible danger, but she simply didn't care.

[Mistook]

Could I get some thoughts on what is wrong with this passage and how to make it better?

She sat atop the mound of dirt waiting for the violet light that would signal the creature beneath her was waking. She knew it was wrong, she knew that countless people would be in terrible danger, but she found she just didn’t care.



From the time she escaped the small room in the convent that had been her home for centuries and make her way across the inky black water all she could think about was getting to this spot and being here when he or, (she wasn’t sure anymore) woke up.



It was forbidden ages ago when the Elders tore her away from the being beneath her, the bastards had send her to that damnable place to be hidden away by the “Holy Ones” and put him in the ground beneath her where he rested. He had exhausted his power trying to keep them away. How they had known to bring “One of the Order” to stand with them. Even then they only had the power to seal him in the ground.



Raven smiled at their limited knowledge; they failed to remove his heart.







He would rise again.


The problem is there's no narrative, and no action. You begin the story before anything has actually happened, then you go on to report a bunch of back story, and vaguely promise at the end that something might actually happen sometime in the future.

Don't start with her waiting on a mound. Start with the violet light and the awakening of the creature and go from there. Fill in the backstory when it's important to the action. Put us in the moment. Show us a story that's actually unfolding and make us keep reading to find out what it's all about.

[rowriter]

Following is my version of a rewrite. I tried to make it 'flow' better, but don't know how well that worked. ;-) I don't know how to explain why I think these sentences would work better...just a personal preference I suppose.

I think my main issue is, why isn't she sure whether 'he' is still a 'he'? If it's a special world-rule of gender-changing, then make sure it's known early on so the reader isn't left to guess. If she just can't remember, then say that. Of course without reading more, it's hard to say what might need to be changed, especially the bit about the "One of the Order" and why he/she was needed to help bury the beast (and why he was so powerful, and why he has buried, etc. etc.). These questions definitely need to be answered at some point, but it seems you're creating some good suspense/expectation here, good job. Happy writing!

"She sat atop the mound of dirt, waiting for the violet light that would signal the awakening of the creature beneath. From the second she had escaped the small room of the convent, a room that had been her home for centuries, being here, with him, was her singular goal. She knew it was wrong, that countless (maybe put a specific number here) would be in danger (when what??). But she didn't care.

Ages ago, the Elders had torn her from him and sent her away to the Holy Ones across the inky waters; her return was forbidden. They had buried him--or her, she couldn't be sure now--and he had exhausted his power trying to stop them. (is it possible he might have changed gender, or she just can't remember? this is important) Somehow they had known to bring One of the Order, and even then they only had the power to seal him in the ground.

Raven smiled at their ignorance; his heart was still intact. He would rise again."

[Four_Elements]

She sat atop the mound of dirt waiting for the violet light that would signal the creature beneath her was waking. She knew it was wrong, she knew that countless people would be in terrible danger, but she found she just didn’t care.

This is interesting, but you need to explain where the violet light is coming from.



From the time she escaped the small room in the convent that had been her home for centuries and make her way across the inky black water all she could think about was getting to this spot and being here when he or, (she wasn’t sure anymore) woke up.

This paragraph isn't really needed and slows down the story.



It was forbidden ages ago when the Elders tore her away from the being beneath her, the bastards had send her to that damnable place to be hidden away by the “Holy Ones” and put him in the ground beneath her where he rested. He had exhausted his power trying to keep them away. How they had known to bring “One of the Order” to stand with them. Even then they only had the power to seal him in the ground.

Consider rewriting this one, maybe, so people can understand it better. I think you give too much information at once for the reader to take in.



Raven smiled at their limited knowledge; they failed to remove his heart.



He would rise again

Overall, it's not bad. It just needs a little work :).

[dreamfroggy]

Thanks guys all the insight has been a HUGE help. It never seemed right to me but I could never put my finger on it. I will post the re-write when I get it done.

If I could remember the rest of the dream that I got this part from it would make writing the story a whole lot easier:D but this is the part that woke me up and all i can recall.
Thanks again.

[Mike Martyn]

All the above is good advice. My only sugestion is that you give her a name. If she's nameless call her the Nameless One or the Avatar or something. That way you'll avoid all the She, She, She stuff.

Can she curse the "Bastards" out loud or manifest her displeasure at their memory somehow by spitting or turning the air blue or could the raindrops falling from the gloomy sky hiss into steam around her?

Maybe you should start the story back in the monastory with her escape, lot's of possible conflict there.

Just some comments from one of the unpublished masses. http://absolutewrite.com/forums/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Garpy]

Just to add my tuppence....it's a bit of an info-dump. Obviously this is some sort of fantasy tale....so quite a lot of world-building is required, but I would hold that back a bit until you've got the reader a bit more involved in your character.

[Titus Raylake]

....it's a bit of an info-dump. Obviously this is some sort of fantasy tale....so quite a lot of world-building is required, but I would hold that back a bit until you've got the reader a bit more involved in your character.

I agree. Dreamfroggy has enough information to stretch into 4 or 5 pages ;).

[dreamfroggy]

All the above is good advice. My only sugestion is that you give her a name. If she's nameless call her the Nameless One or the Avatar or something. That way you'll avoid all the She, She, She stuff.

Can she curse the "Bastards" out loud or manifest her displeasure at their memory somehow by spitting or turning the air blue or could the raindrops falling from the gloomy sky hiss into steam around her?

Maybe you should start the story back in the monastory with her escape, lot's of possible conflict there.

Just some comments from one of the unpublished masses. http://absolutewrite.com/forums/images/icons/icon7.gif

:D Actually she does have a name. Its Raven. At the moment the beings name is Gavin, but will most likely be changed at some point. But now that I think on it a bit, I rather like the idea of calling him the Nameless One for now. Rather fits with the story... sort of like he is so old that his name has been forgotten. There are so many ways I could go with this I tend to get myself confused and a little overwhelmed with it all. I need to come up with a system that works for keeping things all straight.