Another quick format question

[DoubleIT]

Ok Im pretty sure ive done this wrong...


INT. CLUB HIGHLAND - DANCE FLOOR - LATER
Max scans the dance floor, a HOT BLOND is in the middle dancing by herself.
Another Max smile and he turns around.

MAX
Have fun.

He struts off without looking back and comes up behind the Hot Blond.
She turns around, smiles, she puts her back into it.

A second later Sara comes up, pushes her aside.

SARA
Come on.

He stops dancing.


Once he struts off thats a new camera setup, a slightly different location. Does it need an entirly new slug? If so, what would it say since its still DANCE FLOOR, and its continuous...

[StephieM]

"INT. CLUB HIGHLAND - DANCE FLOOR - LATER
Max scans the dance floor, a HOT BLOND is in the middle dancing by herself.
Another Max smile and he turns around.

MAX
Have fun.

He struts off without looking back and comes up behind the Hot Blond.
She turns around, smiles, she puts her back into it.

A second later Sara comes up, pushes her aside.

SARA
Come on.

He stops dancing."

The only thing I see wrong in your slug line is the "Dance Floor". There's no need to put this in if it's in your discription.

Also the HOT BLONDE is cliche. Try using something original.

I was a little confused by this scene, maybe because I don't know what happens before this.

Another Max smile and he turns around. Huh?

And who's he talking to?

How about you just post the first 10 pages on the critique board or what ever you have, (as long as it's not over 10 pages), and we can help you from there. :)

Steph

[DoubleIT]

"INT. CLUB HIGHLAND - DANCE FLOOR - LATER
Max scans the dance floor, a HOT BLOND is in the middle dancing by herself.
Another Max smile and he turns around.

MAX
Have fun.

He struts off without looking back and comes up behind the Hot Blond.
She turns around, smiles, she puts her back into it.

A second later Sara comes up, pushes her aside.

SARA
Come on.

He stops dancing."

The only thing I see wrong in your slug line is the "Dance Floor". There's no need to put this in if it's in your discription.

Also the HOT BLONDE is cliche. Try using something original.

I was a little confused by this scene, maybe because I don't know what happens before this.

Another Max smile and he turns around. Huh?

And who's he talking to?

How about you just post the first 10 pages on the critique board or what ever you have, (as long as it's not over 10 pages), and we can help you from there. :)

Steph

I have 72 pages, dont want to post any up until the first draft is done (The way i write is i spend an hour rewriting everything ive done before, then spend an hour or so adding on) Hot blond is cliche but shes a background character more than anything, she appears just this one time so i dont want to spend all sorts of time describing her... maybe ill do something a little better though

And yah that scene is just a snippet, a bunch happened before, i just put the slug where i did for your sake...

[dpaterso]

Once he struts off thats a new camera setup, a slightly different location. Does it need an entirly new slug? If so, what would it say since its still DANCE FLOOR, and its continuous...

Depends on how it's shot. You say it's the middle of the dance floor but once Max reaches the blonde maybe the director will just bring them closer to the camera and go for a new angle using the same lighting setup so we just think it's the middle of the dance floor -- equipment doesn't actually have to move and be set up again. Maybe the director ought to look at his initial setup with this double shot in mind.

But the thing is -- camera and lighting considerations just aren't our worry or decision. Your characters are still in the same interior location so just keep writing the scene. Whoever writes the shooting script can figure it out and insert new sluglines as required.

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57/scripts.htm)

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[uugeejay]

Re: 'hot blonde' being a cliche.

How about MAGNIFICENT BLONDE VIXEN?

Just a thought.

--
Will in Central Texas

[scripter1]

you've written it correctly. But take out DANCE FLOOR from the main slug since it is in your description line.

You aren't moving locations like you said. He is on the same dance floor she is.
NOW, had he been on a balcony AND THEN moved to the dance floor you would use mini slugs DANCE FLOOR , BALCONY.

In your case he just moves over to her, so like D said, let the director worry about it. You just take care of his action, sashaying, disco stepping, whatever, over to her.

Hot blonde chick.
It's okay for her to be cliche. In this story THAT is her JOB.
She's SUPPOSED to be cliched.

Now, writing it better, with more style, THAT is a different issue.