Is this head-hopping?

[Serena Casey]

Hey everyone:

There was a good post about POV last week that I got a lot of good information from, but boohoo :( it's gone. I'm making an effort to be more consistent on this issue as I rewrite, but being new at this, sometimes I'm not sure how to show what the others in the scene are thinking or feeling.

Anyway, I'm wondering if you guys think the following example is head-hopping. It's kind of representative of the POV switches in some of my other scenes. And if it is head-hopping, is it jarring or is it clear enough whose head we're in? Would you change it if it were yours? (You don't have to show me how to change it, just whether you would.) Thanks!

The phone rang on Saturday morning as Lucy was toweling her hair. She let it ring three times.

“Hello?”

“Lucy, it’s Joe.”

Her heart did a weird little flip. “Hey, you made it.”

“Yeah, it was a good trip. How are you?”

“Pretty good. But glad it’s Saturday. It was a busy week.”

“Yeah, for me too.” Joe paused, feeling a little awkward. “So, can you still come with us on Monday?” He waited for the excuse: I’m so sorry, I forgot I had plans with my boyfriend. He wondered what she’d told him, if anything.

“Yeah, if you still want me to. And I’m bringing lunch, for your dad too, of course,” she replied.

“I do, but you don’t have to make lunch,” he said.

“I want to. No arguments. Do you still like BLTs without the L?”

“Uh…yeah.” I can’t believe she remembered that.

“Okay, then.” There was another pause until Joe remembered the reason for his call.

“How's 9:00 sound? Too early?”

“That’s fine.” She finger-combed her damp hair to untangle it. It was something to do with her hands.

[Lilybiz]

Yes, it's head-hopping. First we're in Lucy's head, then Joe's, then we end in Lucy's head again.

Yes, it's clear whose head we're in.

Yes, I would change it if it were mine. That might be personal taste. I prefer to have one point of view per scene at the most, but maybe that's just me.

Anybody else?

[Joanna_S]

I agree with aertep. Yes, it's head-hopping and because it's a phone conversation, it's scene-hopping as well. First we're in Lucy's head in her home (we 'see' her toweling, etc.), then we're in Joe's head (with no described action, but to be in his head, we have to be with him) and then back to Lucy's head in her home (watching her finger-comb).

For me, any head-hopping is jarring. It's just one of my own personal pet peeves. So I'm a bad judge as to whether it's jarring for people who don't mind. However, the scene-hopping adds an extra dimension that might jar people who wouldn't otherwise care about head-hopping.

Finally, yes, I would rewrite it if it were mine -- but you knew that already. ;)

-- Joanna

[Siddow]

Yes, head hopping. Yes, I would change it.

[maestrowork]

To test head-hopping, just try determining the POVs...

The phone rang on Saturday morning as Lucy was toweling her hair. She let it ring three times.

-- since it's only Lucy and the phone, we assume this is Lucy's POV.


“Hello?”

“Lucy, it’s Joe.”

Her heart did a weird little flip. “Hey, you made it.”

-- it's still Lucy's POV.


“Yeah, it was a good trip. How are you?”

“Pretty good. But glad it’s Saturday. It was a busy week.”

“Yeah, for me too.” Joe paused, feeling a little awkward. “So, can you still come with us on Monday?” He waited for the excuse: I’m so sorry, I forgot I had plans with my boyfriend. He wondered what she’d told him, if anything.

-- this is now Joe's POV. We slip inside his head: "feeling a little awkward" and "waited for an excuse."


“Yeah, if you still want me to. And I’m bringing lunch, for your dad too, of course,” she replied.

“I do, but you don’t have to make lunch,” he said.

“I want to. No arguments. Do you still like BLTs without the L?”

“Uh…yeah.” I can’t believe she remembered that.

“Okay, then.” There was another pause until Joe remembered the reason for his call.

-- still Joe's POV.


“How's 9:00 sound? Too early?”

“That’s fine.” She finger-combed her damp hair to untangle it. It was something to do with her hands.

-- back to Lucy's POV.


So yeah, it's head-hopping and yes, this is jarring.


It's very easy to change it. Since it starts with Lucy picking up the phone, we will stay with Lucy:



The phone rang on Saturday morning as Lucy was toweling her hair. She let it ring three times [before she picked up].

“Hello?”

“Lucy, it’s Joe.”

Her heart did a weird little flip. “Hey, you made it.”

“Yeah, it was a good trip. How are you?”

“Pretty good. But glad it’s Saturday. It was a busy week.”

“Yeah, for me too.” Joe paused. Lucy sensed an awkwardness. "So, can you still come with us on Monday?” He waited for the excuse, Lucy thought. I’m so sorry, I forgot I had plans with my boyfriend. He's so insecure.

“Yeah, if you still want me to. And I’m bringing lunch, for your dad too, of course,” she replied.

“I do, but you don’t have to make lunch,” he said.

“I want to. No arguments. Do you still like BLTs without the L?”

“Uh…yeah. You remember.”

“Okay, then.”

“How's 9:00 sound? Too early?”

“That’s fine.” She finger-combed her damp hair to untangle it. It was something to do with her hands.

[JanDarby]

Ditto to everyone else. It's head-hopping.

A phone conversation in fiction is always problematic, and some experts will tell you to avoid writing one. For one thing, they tend to be a tad static and limiting, with little action going on. Imagine if this were a movie (I know, I know, fiction and visual media are different, but sometimes they work as analogies). What would be on-screen? A person standing there, talking on the phone. Sure, Bob Newhart made it work, but generally speaking, it's pretty dull, even if you can hear the other side of the conversation.

What I'm really trying to say, though, is that a phone conversation is not a typical scene, one where you can show the other person's thoughts and feelings through body language and facial expressions and movements around the room. With a phone conversation, you can have the POV character guess about the other person, based on the tone of the voice or the speed of speech or any background noise, but that's all.

Take a look at some other scene you've written, one where BOTH the protagonist and someone else are together, in person, on-scene, and see if you're still hopping there. If not, then this was an aberration, based on the limitations of phone scenes.

JD

[Serena Casey]

Thank you for your input, everyone. I hadn't thought about the fact that a phone conversation makes the head-hopping even worse!

I can see that part of the difficulty in writing well is seeing your story from the reader's viewpoint. It doesn't jar me because I know the characters and know how the plot has and will continue to unfold. It's good to have the objective opinions of others.

Thanks much!

Jan, you posted at the same time. Good points. I know I have done the same thing in face-to-face scenes as well, so I've got my work cut out for me! :)