Help with a query?

[josephwise]

Would anybody have time to glance through a query for my YA novel? I'll go ahead and post it here.


As farm acreage shrinks in the American West, economic growth leads to a disembodied rural culture. This is the backdrop for The Vember Mill, my first young-adult novel.

The novel follows Preston Vatticus, a young boy still reeling from the suicide of his father. While hiding in the fields near his stepfather’s home, Preston is met by a stranger who has uncovered a secret in the hills. The creek water is turning animals into beasts, and old legends are suffering the same fate as the vanishing fields of the Cache Valley. While Preston and his new friend explore the hills looking for answers, they find an old watermill that may be the source of every disquieting moment anyone has ever felt, anywhere in the world. But despite his adventures, Preston refuses to ignore the troubles of his family. His stepfather seems to be succumbing to the same hopelessness as Preston’s real father suffered years before, and his mother is herself a disembodied version of what she used to be. In this way, The Vember Mill is an adventure novel that does not abandon its sense of home.

My short fiction has appeared in various online and print periodicals, and my story “Detrie Furniture” was given the Higney Award as the best short fiction piece of 2004, chosen by the readers of Another Realm. I have recently finished writing a series of early chapter readers and a book-length collection of short fiction, and I am nearing completion on a mainstream novel. The Vember Mill is complete at 80,000 words.

(Here I state the reason I’m approaching this particular agent). A SASE is enclosed, and I look forward to hearing from you.

[maddythemad]

Hey, josephwise, your query looks pretty good to me. Just a suggestion: I would make the description paragraph about The Vember Mill a little shorter. I know from experience that the shorter the query, the more likely you are to get responses. A few sentences about the main theme of the book and a few central characters would probably suffice. This is up to you, though. :)

Also, I think, "I am nearing completion on a mainstream novel. The Vember Mill is complete at 80,000 words," sounds a little odd, because you use the world "complete" twice in quick succession. How about saying, "THE VEMBER MILL totals 80,000 words."

Hope this helps, and that I'm not being too picky. Best of luck with your query, and on securing an agent/editor!

[Bk_30]

"The novel follows Preston Vatticus, a young boy still reeling from the suicide of his father." to me this implied his father had just passed. Could you try "still effected by" As for the water turning the animals into beast..this had me confused as well..aren't animals beast anyway? You want your query to be as clear as possible. I do like the concept of the story however :)

[stephblake24]

I am going to share my secret. I have a formula for my queries. As of 7/18/06, I have had 3 requests for partials, and only 1 rejection, out of 10 well-placed queries.

Short and sweet is best...and leave some mystery.

Please consider my 80,000 word young adult novel: The Vember Mill.

As farm acreage shrinks in the American West, economic growth leads to a disembodied rural culture. Preston Vatticus, a young boy is still reeling from the suicide of his father. While hiding in the fields near his stepfather’s home, Preston is met by a stranger who has uncovered a secret in the hills.

While Preston and his new friend explore the hills looking for answers, they find an old watermill that may be the source of every disquieting moment anyone has ever felt, anywhere in the world.

Despite his adventures, Preston refuses to ignore the troubles of his family. His stepfather seems to be succumbing to the same hopelessness that Preston’s real father suffered years before. His mother is a disembodied version of what she used to be.

My short fiction has appeared in various online and print periodicals, and my story “Detrie Furniture” was given the Higney Award as the best short fiction piece of 2004, chosen by the readers of Another Realm.

(Here I state the reason I’m approaching this particular agent). A SASE is enclosed, and I look forward to hearing from you.

[K-Mark]

I toyed around with your query and came up with this. You may or may not like it, But I thought it might help you. I like re-arranged it a bit, but kept most of the same wording. Good luck.

Dear

As farm acreage shrinks in the American West, economic growth leads to a disembodied rural culture.

Preston Vatticus, a young boy still reeling from the suicide of his father, hides in the fields near his stepfather’s home. He is met by a stranger who has uncovered a secret in the hills. The creek water is turning animals into beasts, and old legends are suffering the same fate as the vanishing fields of the Cache Valley.

Preston and his new friend explore the hills looking for answers. They find an old watermill that may be the source of every disquieting moment anyone has ever felt, anywhere in the world.

Despite his adventures, Preston refuses to ignore the troubles of his family. His stepfather is succumbing to the same hopelessness Preston’s real father suffered years before. His mother is a disembodied version of what she used to be.

This 80,000 word Young Adult Novel, The Vember Mill, is an adventure that does not abandon its sense of home.

My short fiction has appeared in various online and print periodicals, and my story “Detrie Furniture” was given the Higney Award as the best short fiction piece of 2004, chosen by the readers of Another Realm. I have recently finished writing a series of early chapter readers and a book-length collection of short fiction, and I am nearing completion on a mainstream novel.

(Here I state the reason I’m approaching this particular agent). A SASE is enclosed, and I look forward to hearing from you.

[K-Mark]

Whoops, looks like someone else did the same thing for you while I was editing. The other version is good, too. Hope these help.

[stephblake24]

Great minds think alike K-Mark.

[josephwise]

This is all fantastically helpful, thanks everyone for the input!

[TWK]

Dear _______:

I see that you represent young adult novels, and would be overjoyed if you'd consider representing The Vember Mill, my novel complete at 80,000 words.

As farm acreage in the American West shrinks, economic growth leads to a broken rural culture. This is the backdrop for The Vember Mill.

The novel follows Preston Vatticus, a young boy still reeling from the suicide of his father. While hiding in the fields near his stepfather’s home, Preston is met by a stranger who has uncovered a secret in the hills: [The creek water is turning animals into beasts, and old legends are suffering the same fate as the vanishing fields of the Cache Valley.This part really confused me.]

While Preston and his new friend explore the hills looking for answers, they find an old watermill that may be the source of every disquieting moment anyone has ever felt, anywhere in the world. But despite his adventures, Preston refuses to ignore the troubles of his family. His stepfather seems to be succumbing to the same hopelessness as Preston’s real father suffered years before, and his mother is herself a disembodied version of what she used to be. In this way, The Vember Mill is an adventure novel that does not abandon its sense of home.

My short fiction has appeared in various online and print periodicals, and my story “Detrie Furniture” was given the Higney Award as the best short fiction piece of 2004.

(Here I state the reason I’m approaching this particular agent). A SASE is enclosed, and I look forward to hearing from you.

I cut a lot of the "I'm working on . . ." stuff because it's not important. I think you should talk a little more about the characters, but otherwise this is a good query.

[stephblake24]

Yes I agree. Very good query. I set mine up this way and I have 3 requests for a partial this week out of 15 queries mailed.