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Vigorish9
02-03-2005, 11:20 PM
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT - NIGHT
* * * *
The Suburban hogs two spots in this deserted lot.

A sign hangs from the side of the Diner: Red Neon: LAST STOP DINER: In flickering green below: FREE COFFEE FOR LOSERS.

INT. DINER.

Past 50’s style booths to DUGAN ROACH, (25), gaunt and sinewy, the guy in the Suburban, sporting a ‘shiner’ and fat lip, spins a ‘B’ encrusted lighter on the table.

On the otherside is Eddie, dried blood caked to his hair with the desperate look of a man trying to spin yarn into gold.

DUGAN
You were digging a hole Eddie.

EDDIE
For one occupant.

DUGAN
You’d whistle Dixie to save
your neck.

EDDIE
Killing the Ghord punched
your ticket for sure. If
I sink. You’re anchored
to me.

The lighter stops spinning. It is now we see the intricate diamond pattern that makes up the ‘B’.

DUGAN
You stole the man’s lighter…

EDDIE
Forget Benny. He’d soon as
Gut you as piss on your mother.

DUGAN
Shut your mouth.

EDDIE
Wake up. You got to forget
about that fairytale you
been holding onto and just
grab your mom and skip.


Eddie grabs the lighter. Snaps it to flame.

An explosion. The window cracks, then blows out, a plume of orange and black from the parking lot.

The Suburbans in flames.

The concussion blows them out of their seats. Dugan regains his equilibrium first --

-- just as a hail of machine gun fire rips the outside of the diner apart.

By the collar, Dugan pulls Eddie behind a wall. The .38 is ten feet from him. Should I go?

A torrent of fire smacks the floor as aA guy comes through the window, a pony tailed Mexican with prison tats, spitting lead. Empty. He drops his cartage to the floor.

The COOK and WAITRESS run for the door - But they don’t make it. From another direction they are cut down.


EDDIE
Who the @#%$ are these guys?

Another clip hits the ground. Dugan and Eddie crawl into the kitchen. They stop behind a freezer.

A HISSING sound. The gas from a severed line pumps.
The lighter with the ‘B’ five feet from Dugan.

The Crunch of broken glass. Reaching for the lighter, Dugan extends his body over shards of penetrating glass, embed in his arm, chest. He's got it.

Eddie sneaks out the back door. Dugan snaps the
lighter open. The flame dances to life.

He sets it down – more machine gun fire – bullets whistle, ping, shatter.

Out the door -- the second killer, big like a mountain, focused eyes, tosses away a table like it’s balsa wood.

One of them smells something. The look at each other.
To late. A flame like a serpents head on a collision course.


EXT. PARKING LOT

The explosion blows them off their feet to the ground.
Eddies arm folds into it self, dislocated.

Dugan’s still has his wits about him, as the fire rages behind them. The structre creaks, then collapses.

EDDIE
Jesus mother of Christ…
who the hell were they?

Dugan spots a car behind a dumpster.

DUGAN
Let’s go.

EDDIE
My arms a pretzel.

Dugan grabs Eddie’s arm and slams it to the pavement.
A blood curdling scream. It’s back in.

Eddie whales on the ground. Dugan runs for the car.

A old school purple CADDY, with keys in ignition.

Dugan plows it around the dumpster heading right for Eddie. Hits the breaks - skids an inch from him.

EDDIE
I ain’t coming with you.
@#%$ you.

Dugan Slams a fist into his face.


EXT. ARIZONA/NEVADA BORDER

The sun fights its way over the mountain. The purple Caddy rolls down the empty stretch of road.

INT. CAR

Eddie’s still knocked out in the back, his hands duct taped in front of him.

Dugan’s head rocks back and forth. Fighting back sleep.
His head’s light like a weather balloon.

The orange glow of the rising sun…


EXT. SOCCER STADIUM - GLASGOW, SCOTLAND

SUPER: Twenty years ago

Fog swallows the air concealing something beneath. A BUZZING hush, that gradually, insidiously builds to a crescendo

kojled
02-04-2005, 12:46 AM
vigorish

here are my comments on the first 10 seconds of this shot:

lose 'nevada border', use 'desert' or something - you can't tell you're on the nevada border unless someone says so or there is a sign which indicates that.

you did not describe the location. we don't know if we are in the desert, what the diner is named or what it looks like, etc. if the diner is to be unidentified, indicate that. failure to set the scene properly, in a compelling way, pulls the rug out from under the reader. you may lose them from the get go

say 'night' not wee hours

capitalize 'suburban'

say 'int. diner - night' not: INSIDE this ‘desert way-station’

do not direct from the script - lose the (os) dialogue. the director will decide how to shoot the scene

lose camera direction 'past' - the director will decide how to shoot the scene

as for the rest of the scene, i don't know - did not read it. i figured you had shown such disregard for the reader (me) in the first few lines - there just wasn't a reason to read further. i didn't want to know what other mistakes and sloppy writing awaited further down the page


zilla

Vigorish9
02-04-2005, 01:03 AM
done. thank you. i'm going through the draft and eliminating the remains of the different focus and those are the remnants like WEE HOURS that i should cut my toe off.

it really cleaned it up. another gold star for kiojled and spanking for vig. i

vig

dpaterso
02-04-2005, 02:14 AM
vig, question for you: what triggers these flashbacks Dugan keeps having? If they just pop up for no reason, I'll think he's mentally disturbed. Think back to, um, THE TERMINATOR -- Reese falls asleep in his car beside a bunch of floodlit clunking oil derricks, which gives birth to his unsettling memories of the future, filled with clunking killer machines that split the night with searchlights as they search for humans to kill. Maybe on the road, Dugan passes a construction site with blazing lights, reminding him of the floodlit football stadium at night? I didn't "get" this kind of mental association from "The orange glow of the rising sun..." so the memory seemed to come from nowhere. Since they evidently mean a lot to you I'd consider making them less gratuitous and always give a reason for going there. Shrug, just a thought.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

Vigorish9
02-04-2005, 05:55 AM
there is only one flashback of dugans life before he was sent to america. it shows the relationhship with his mother and how dugan killed a man while picking up money.

vig