Long comes short

[Vigorish9]

put my rom com to bed and i'm going to polish my drama noir --
anythoughts... and yes, this is my polished version of this version, so, that means i'm happy with this...

logline: LONG COMES SHORT – DRAMA - NOIR

A murder in Ireland sends a street wise Irish kid to South Boston to pay for his freedom, by working as a collector
for a bookie.


FADE IN:


EXT. DINER PARKING LOT - NEVADA BORDER – WEE HOURS

A beat up Suburban hogs two spots in a empty parking lot. It’s bumper hangs like broken teeth.

DUGAN (OVER)
(severe Scottish accent)
My life is a nightmare, a faucken
holocaust, I’m a walking cataclysm.

Red Neon: ‘Last Stop Diner’. In flickering green below:
‘Free Coffee for losers’

DUGAN (OVER)
That kind of pressure builds on a
man level on level like those
casinos, spiraling up so high
you can't see ground. And if
you could -- know your feet
aren’t planted there.

INSIDE this ‘desert way-station’, past a career
waitress and head hung low losers.

DUGAN (OVER)
I was born with the convoluted
mess gene. A carrier no less.

Past 50’s diner booths and neglected silverware to

DUGAN
Yup. Generations of the Roach
bad decision gene funneling
down into yours truly.

DUGAN ROACH, (25) gaunt and sinewy, with a fresh ‘shiner’ and fat lip spins a custom lighter on the tabletop.

DUGAN
But it’s nipped in the bud right
now.

A ‘D’ encrusted with inlaid diamonds spins into focus.

DUGAN
We deal with the garbage in
That Suburban and that’ll be
it. Fetch my Mum and leave
the ghosts of my father’s
name where it belongs – Scotland.

He flips the lighter to a hand rolled cigarette. The flame burns to smoke --


EXT. SOCCER STADIUM - GLASGOW, SCOTLAND

SUPER: twenty years ago, to the day

Fog swallows the air concealing something beneath it -- a buzzing hush that gradually, insidiously builds to a crescendo – -

Explode through the fog into a sea of fans-- a soccer match.

Amongst the chaos to a boy, Dugan, now (7) all skin and bones hunched between the bodies of fighting, drinking hooligans.

CRAIG ROACH
Dugan get a shot in - Dugan

CRAIG ROACH (40’s) a Scottish Bulldog, vice grips another colored shirt.

CRAIG ROACH
Get a shot in – Strike.

Craig’s meaty, freckled hand, finds Dugan, cranes
his peanut of a son into striking distance. * * * *
* * * * * * * *
CRAIG ROACH
Go ahead – get one in.


INT. DUGAN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A female Winston Churchill, plump and homely, ELLEN
ROACH (30s) presses meat onto Dugan’s eye.

ELLEN
Be sensible. When he has a
few jars in him you run the
other way.

DUGAN
Mum.

ELLEN
In these four walls your father
may rule, but outside, on your
own, go to the toilet.

The door swings open -- it’s Poppa Roach, unavoidable, all fired up.

CRAIG
That’s me dinner Ellen.

He snatches the slab from Dugan’s face.

CRAIG
Never put on the eye what you
can put in your belly.

He takes inventory of the his son’s eye.

CRAIG
Now that’s a reward. Your
first day as a man. Should
have seen him Ellen, took
one right in the head.
Like a man.

ELLEN
Fer christ sake Craig, he’s knee
high.


CRAIG
When you have a chance to strike,
you strike.

Out the door, down the hallway we can still hear his rants. STRIKE.

ELLEN
Fighters turn out like your
father. You keep moving forward
Dugan and don’t look back.

She hugs him tightly.

ELLEN
Life will find you.

CRAIG (0S)
No hesitation Dugan. Strike!

[kojled]

vigorish

first line of narrative reads 'pafking lot'. this is a polished version that you are 'happy with'? polish of a polish should be letter perfect. i'll wait for the movie - will not read


zilla

[Vigorish9]

jeez, kojoiled, i have very bad eyes, and when i say polished, i mean not 100% done, i mean, this version, the story, and i was posting this as i changed this one section, 'parking lot] --from capital letters to lower case and without my glasses i didnt' see the f, instead of k, and even now with my glasses i can barely tell, as i'm also somewhat color blind, and when the font is against this backround, i can't see. shoot me, i have a flaw...

i can understand what you're saying but holy molly. i fixed the typo. i hope i didn't make you physcally sick. are you running a fever? lol.

before i send anything i pay for an editor, so, what i meant to say is this is a version i can live with after it is completely edited. i will stab myself with a a dull knife for my failures....

vig

[kojled]

yeah, good luck

[SimonSays]

Vig -

Some quick thoughts.

First - I'd lose the voice over in the first scene. You're telling that his life is crap - which takes away from the impact when you show him in the diner with his face busted up. He's beat to a pulp - it's obvious his life is crap. Reveal character by his actions and how he interacts with the waitress or whoever in the diner - not voice over. And if you are going to use voice over do it in such a way that we are surprised to find him beat to a pulp.

Only seeing the first 3 1/2 pages - I don't know what the structure of the story is - but if you don't jump back to the diner soon after the childhood sequence - you might want to lose the diner scene altogether.

Since it's Dugan's story - it might be good to show a little more reaction from him both at the soccer match and in the scene with his parents. We don't know how he feels about this. Is he scared?Anxious to please his father? Is he comforted by his mother - or does he not want to be babied. You need to make all this clear through his actions and words.

Hope this helps. I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear.

[scripter1]

The logline lacks conflict. It seems to tell me only a portion of the story. So, what happens once he's in South Boston?
What choices and challenges happen next?
Where's the conflict? Where's the story?

As to these pages.
Wow,I actually could read them this time. No peckers, no porn, no nauseating perverts.
And I discovered you do a good job of creating visuals.
"The car bumper like broken teeth." Loved that.
"Free coffee for losers."
What a place!!! Says it all with just those four words.

Dugan's second block of dialog seemed a little long.

Actually, having read it three times now, maybe you should consider putting the words back in where the dashes are?
That little bit there feels incomplete, like the sentence itself isn't fully developed.

"head hung low losers"
What a tongue twister. This is just my personal beef but these alliterations stick in my mind and distract me from the next few lines. It makes me feel like I'm reading Fox in Socks by Dr. Seuss.
Why not simplify? .....waitress and several losers.
(Was this intentional or unintentional alliteration?)

Great transition to the flashback.
Fine until you get to "DUGAN, now (7)-."
NOW is present tense and we are in the past. Just cut it.

"-the bodies of fighting, drinking hooligans."
Are they fighting first or drinking first? It's usually the drinking that leads to the fighting.
Try switching the order around because the next action (the father gripping the shirt) relates to the fighting so you want these two ideas closest together.

"-cranes Dugan into range."
The word cranes, to me, means to stretch or extend. Like craning your neck to see something.
Why not drags or forces?

It's got a few typos.
How much do you pay your editor?
I'm only $45 dollars. :b

(edited to add : Just read Simon's post. I think the VO sets the tone. It seems like a VO, narrated story to me.
Based on the logline I am assuming the garbage mentioned in the suburban is a body and that we'll be back to the diner in sufficient time.)

[Vigorish9]

well, the logline is still in the works... dugan ends up killing someone accidentally as he collects money. his buddy gives him some money and sends him to america to work for a guy until he can get on his feet and send for his mother.

what ends up happening is the bookie sends him on one more mission, to find EDDIE THE ACE, a con man who burnt the bookie for 200 grand by cheating in a poker game.

the bookie gives dugan a choice, either find eddie, or i tell the cops in scotland what really happen.

i tried that 'allahiationsmobobo', you speak off...

a crane, think of dugan, then his dads arm plucks him off the seat and does what a crane does, it moves over, cranes him... anyway, yeah, it's kind of a narrative thing....

you know what simon, i really had no idea what people would say.

i have voice over, and super: 20 years earlier, in the first five pages... danger will robinson... danger

vig

[SimonSays]

I mean no disrespect to Scripter, Vig - but if you are going to get an editor or script consultant or whatever - I strongly suggest that you get someone who really understands what you need to do to give your script a chance to succeed in the marketplace - even though it will probably cost more than $45. Based on this and the other sample I've seen, it is apparent that you can write. But being able to write and getting your script to a place where you can get representation and/or sell your spec are two different things.

You do not need line edits - you need someone who will evaluate where the strengths and weaknesses lie. You need to explore your character through his actions, you cannot rely on V.O. to show who he is. I know this is only 3 or 4 pages - but you have relied solely on V.O. to do so in that first 3 or 4 and that will not go unnoticed. And any consultant who does not pick up on this, is probably a consultant you should think twice before hiring.

As I said, I mean no disrespect for scripter, I believe her intentions are good. But I have been in this business long enough - on both sides of the pitching table - to know that a writer with real potential needs more than what scripter appears to be offering.

[SimonSays]

Vig -

the problem is not that you used V.O. (i myself have used v.o.) the problem is that you are relying on it to reveal character to the exclusion of all else in the first few pages. You need to show more through Dugan's actions and reveal more through his dialogue.

[Fartin Mowler]

Listen to Simon Vig...I got into it and would like to read more...the only thing that I thought was a bit cheesy was the bumper tooth thing.

[Vigorish9]

i understand what you're saying simon.

I've read in excess of 700 scripts, consider myself a student of the craft and know you get what you pay for, no dis respect to you scriptor.

vig

[Vigorish9]

i don't want to beat this horse to death simon... but as a writer i do take a bit of pride in the fact that i can take what you said, whether i agree with it or not, and go back in the story and reconstruct the specfic points as related to your post.

ten minutes from you life you gae me 8 hours, and i could go and reconstruct the scenes to your game plan.

that's why i love writing, if somoen points you in a direction i can go dow that road and see what happens.

richard harris said in scenario mag, winter of 1995 that he wrote 5 different versions of scenes and their payoffs...

i comletely believe in that... i'm from a business oriented element, and screenwriting, though a differnt quandrant of the brain, embraces the math of screen writing.

40 scenes. 5 core scenes that have 8 legs.

it's all math...

vig

[SimonSays]

Vig -

I took the 5 or 10 minutes to give you my thoughts, precisely because I knew that if they resonated - you would go with them and you would realize that I only took the time to make the points because I want to help you.

And being able to take what others say the way you did will serve you well in this business. Througout the development process you will get notes - sometimes stupid and putrid notes - sometimes notes that seem stupid, but are actually quite good, once you push your ego to the side for a moment. And hopefully, you will quickly learn the difference between the two and will use the good notes to make your script better and not even waste your time trying to implement the bad ones. And once you master the art form you will ignore the bad ones, but at the same time make the contributor of the bad ones believe that you used them even though you didn't.

[Noah1]

I have to say, Vig, that I'm somewhat impressed with your new attitude lately.

Very cordial, respectful, and humble.

Totally un-Vig.

I think you're on to something.