My first scene

[writing dude]

I'm looking for someone out there who would be kind enough to tell me how this should have been written. It was one of the first scenes I ever wrote and I couldn't bring myslef to change it but would like it to be in the proper format and such.

Int. Hotel - Penthouse Suite - Day

Top floor of the hotel with it's own private elevator. This room is huge and luxurious, the most spectacular suite in the entire hotel. It's the very room that I'll be staying in if this movie is a success.

Emil looks dressed for Sunday mass in an expensive cream suit and Italian leather shoes, somewhat nervous as he waits in anticipation to finish a deal. He's of Russian decent but has been Americanized. Though he looks to be foreign an accent is non-existent. Emil has the stature of the Pillsbury Doughboy but still carries a no-nonsense look in his eyes.

Wherever Emil goes he takes a half dozen bodyguards carrying automatics with him. At the moment they have formed a ring around the room. They dress in black suits with black ties and polished black shoes.

On the coffee table is an opened metal briefcase. It's facing Emil who is sitting on the couch and it's contents are 100% pure, uncut American cocaine. A pistol is rested right next to the coke ready for action.

Emil
You know, I pay you guys through the nose and all you do is make me nervous.

All eyes now on the elevator doors as the numbers over it read 2...3...4...5...6...

Emil looks above the doors in anticipation.

The numbers now read 10...11...12...13...14...15...16...17...18...19... 20...21...

The bodyguards view above, their faces appear to be dead.

The numbers now read 29...30...31...32...33...34...35...36...37...38... 39...40

In an instant the doors are opened. Carlos walks straight through the doors, in a black T-shirt, suit jacket, jeans, boots and carrying a metal briefcase... He's mid thirties, well built with a tough edge and a hint of violence underneath his skin.

The bodyguards are very unimpressed. One walks straight up to Carlos with his automatic strapped over his shoulder and a metal detector in hand. He scans Carlos and stops at his briefcase with an intimadating look.

Carlos
You need that to tell that the briefcase is metal.

The guard is annoyed but still manages to give Carlos a smirk. Carlos walks on and sits in a chair across from Emil. He leaves his briefcase at the side of the chair. Carlos pauses...

Carlos
The hospitable thing to do would be to offer me a drink.

Emil
Let's put business before pleasure, huh.

Carlos
Fair enough.

Emil
Lets see what you brought?

Carlos
No, no, no. You first.

Emil
Okay.

Emil turns the briefcase so that it's facing Carlos. He's stunned but tries his best not to show it.

Carlos
Damn! That's nice.

Emil
Are you gonna check it?

Carlos
No need.


Carlos puts the case on the table, opens the case, pulls out a large shiny gun, dead aim on Emil. He then ducks.

Instantly, in the background, SHOOTERS carrying mp5's advance on Carlos.

Carlos spins as his pistol blows THUNDER, wasting two shooters to the floor. He grabs the briefcase, flips the coffee table over and drops behind it-- more shooters converge BELTING bullets.

Carlos comes up BLASTING, so fast, two guns gripped, SPITING double fire, blood erupting as three more CRASH to the floor.

Dead silence as the little smoke from the guns clears.

Emil (O.S.)
Put them mothafuckers' down!

He presses a sawed off double-barreled shotgun to Carlo's head.

Carlos
Be cool.

Carlos drops the guns to the floor.

Emil
I found this toy in your briefcase. Parties over - it's time to die.

With blinding speed, Carlos sidesteps, elbow slaps Emil in the temple, snatches and spins the shotgun, two barrels aimed --

Carlos
Who sent me?

Emil shakes.

Emil
What you mean --

Carlos
I'm gonna count to zero --

Emil eyes widen.

Emil
No don't shoot, don't shoot! I'll tell you! Just don't @#%$'n kill me man!

Suddenly, a man EXPLODES out of nowhere, gun FIRING.

Carlos ducks, comes up and BLAST the shooter across the room.

No movement, dead calm.

Carlos leans down, grabs the bartender, pulls him up, there's a hole in his head.

Carlos
@#%$!

Thx in advance!:evil

[writer by night]

Let me just say that the reference to Pop'n fresh was completely and totally unnecessary.

[newbie writer]

Top floor of the hotel with it's own private elevator. This room is huge and luxurious, the most spectacular suite in the entire hotel. It's the very room that I'll be staying in if this movie is a success.

Im only going to tackle the first part...cause hey im a newbie like you.

How do we know the room is huge and luxurious? Write about it... are there expensive paintings and vases in the room? Tell us. The line "It's the very room that I'll be staying in if this movie is a success" needs to be taken out. You cant SHOW t

Emil looks dressed for Sunday mass in an expensive cream suit and Italian leather shoes, somewhat nervous as he waits in anticipation to finish a deal. He's of Russian decent but has been Americanized. Though he looks to be foreign an accent is non-existent. Emil has the stature of the Pillsbury Doughboy but still carries a no-nonsense look in his eyes.


How do we know Emil is nervous? Have him pacing or constantly looking at his watch...something you can show that hes nervous. How do we know hes been "Americanized"...and what does that mean?


Might I suggest a book called "The Screenwriters Handbook". Check for it in Barnes and Noble or someplace like that.

[me]

I like the ....

"It's the very room that I'll be staying in if this movie is a success."....

joke.

Cut it out but I like the joke.

Beware of explaining things and providing background info in your description that aren't going to be conveyed through the scene to your audience.

"Wherever Emil goes he takes a half dozen bodyguards carrying automatics with him. "

This is more towards novel prose than screenplay direction. You only need what the audience will see/hear in the scene- that he has half dozen bodyguards there now.

There's scope for trimming.

Something like:

Floor six... twenty... forty...

Not a whole load of numbers.

[bscript]

INT. HOTEL - PENTHOUSE SUITE - DAY

This primary slug already distinguishes the location from an ordinary hotel room. Luxury is implied and everyone knows Penthouses have their own private elevators, so the first paragraph is repeating information and should be deleted.

Second paragraph. How do we know Emil is dressed for mass? Just write Emil, a thirty-year old Pillsbury doughboy, wears an expensive cream suit with all the accessories. As for nervous, you need to show it.. as recommended above pacing is a good idea. Have him start to pace before the elevator even starts its climb and increase to rapid pacing, sweating as it nears the Penthouse.

The bodyguard references should be edited to only what can be seen (filmed). Six BODYGUARDS carrying automatic weapons form a ring around the room.

Opening a screenplay with a tense scene is good, but be careful because I found the believability factor to be in question. Have you been to a fancy hotel lately? Their security is getting as ridiculous as airports, so I find it highly unlikely all these GUNS could just walk past security. In the modern world (if this is a present day scene) with ever increasing security you'll need to find a more ingenious way to pull off such a scene. A private Penthouse apartment might suit this scene better than a public hotel.

[writing dude]

Thanks a bunch. I can use all of that but I'd still like more feedback if you can give it:evil

[NikeeGoddess]

Sounds like you want other people to write it for you. It's been rewritten for you on other boards. You gonna share the credit?

[writing dude]

If people would like to continue helping me out I would love to share some writing credit. Keep in mind that I will not start production on this project for at least three years and at the most five but I'm a man of my word and if you want it in writing that's fine too.

My email is anaskewview@yahoo.com

[capitalistwriter]

In a screenplay it's all about dialogue and action. That's the only thing that the audience will ever see. Anything other than that is just background information that never gets past the director and/or actors. If it helps them to do their job, great. If it doesn't then it's a waste.

You have a lot of background information in there that isn't going to help anyone. Some others have pointed out good examples. You need to start by getting rid of everything that is not dialogue or action and see if your story stands based on that. If it doesn't then you have a problem. If it does then you can help out the actors and director a little by putting back some of the background stuff. It's better, though, if the dialogue and action gives enough information that background isn't needed.

[writing dude]

Sorry my email is at yahoo.ca not .com

[MrDolarhyde]

"It's the very room that I'll be staying in if this movie is a success" is indeed a cool piece of scriptwriting. Shame that Shane Black used almost exactly the same line in Lethal Weapon. If you're gonna steal stuff, don't do it from one of the most famous screenwriters' most famous script.

[scryptreader]

u have to be able to bring yourself to change anything... especially if it is for the better...