HELP! I need a stronger opening!

[Celia Cyanide]

I'm writing a script about a woman who gets kidnapped. My problem is that I can't find a good place for the film to begin. The woman's life is rather boring before she is kidnapped. However, I need to establish 2 things 1) she lives with her dull deadbeat boyfriend and 2) she has a big crush on the young guy who works at the grocery store across the street. Both these things are very important to the story later on.

I was originally writing this as a novel, and this first scene worked well. I showed it to my teacher, a published novelist, and he loved it. It was about her laying in bed and not being able to get comfortable with her boyfriend taking up too much space. So she went out in the middle of the night to the grocery store. In a novel, this works, but I don't know if it does in a script.

I don't like to talk to much about my story, but if it helps to know, I'd be happy to answer any questions. Advice appreciated. Thanks.

[tourdeforce]

How about if...

She is on her way home from work- calls her boyfriend to let him know she'll be there soon.

Did he pick up the groceries for dinner like she asked him to? Of course not.

Fine, she'll stop at the store and get it.

At the checkout, somehow she realizes her wallet is empty. Did deadbeat take her cash? Of course he did.

Luckily, she's been flirting with the clerk and the chemistry between them is palpable. He tells her to bring in the balance the next day (another chance for the to talk).

She heads on home.

Deadbeat finds the spilled bag of groceries outside their building.

[K1P1]

Celia - I like your version. Why wouldn't it work as the opening scene of a film? It doesn't need to take very long. And the bedroom can establish all sorts of things about their characters and relationship (She's neat, he's a slob. She's professional; he's out of work.)

She tosses and turns on the edge of the bed. She gives up, gets dressed being careful not to wake him. In the bedroom and on her way out she picks up stuff and straightens as she goes - showing that without even thinking she does all the work. He wakes up the next morning, late because she always wakes him, pissed off because she always makes breakfast. What he does next depends on just how self-centered he is.

Just thoughts - obviously you know your characters and I don't, so the details may not jive.

But look at the beginning of Four Weddings and a Funeral. It starts with Hugh Grant in bed and the alarm goes off. Works just fine.

[dpaterso]

Do we see the kidnapping? If so, if I were writing it, I'd kick off with this. Show how boring and ordinary her life is when cops question the heck out of everyone and try to figure why this woman would be kidnapped.

-Derek

[Celia Cyanide]

Celia - I like your version. Why wouldn't it work as the opening scene of a film?

You know what? I don't know why! I just assumed it wouldn't! Maybe I could post it up in Share Your Work. There might even be a way to take what I have and make it more interesting. It's supposed to be a dark comedy and character study, not a thriller, so maybe it could work.

dpaterso, that was my first instinct, but it's so complicated. Here is how it plays out:

We see her going out in the middle of the night to flirt with the bag boy.

We see her wake up in another place after she has been kidnapped.

The plot point involving her flirtation with the cute bag boy comes up before her dead beat boyfriend even notices she is gone.

[whistlelock]

Finish the script, then worry about whether or not your opening scene works.

[Celia Cyanide]

I'm nearly finished. I'm just rewriting the parts that do not work, which may or may not include the opening scene.

[BottomlessCup]

I think "establishing" is over-rated and kills most beginnings.

Information is valuable. Save it for a scene where it has impact.

[Celia Cyanide]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I am going to show the script to my co-producers and see what they think, and maybe rewrite the beginning. I might post it in share your work, if I feel up to it. Thanks!

[razormoney]

Another possibility is writing a "grabber" -- something that sucks the audience in right away. Have the movie start out with a "bang," something so unexpected it "grabs" the audience. Have the main character get killed in some horrific way or have her do something totally uncharacteristic like killing someone herself -- then, have her wake up from a dream because her loser, slow-leak boyfriend is hogging the bed. Then she gets up, needs something form the store and so on. You can start the exposition on the characters there.

Just an idea that you might run with to put some "ummph" in the first few pages. Shouldn't add much to the page count.

R

[icerose]

I'm in favor of her killing the dead beat or the dead beat dying in some horrific way in the dream lol. For comic value if for nothing else.

[Celia Cyanide]

The way I wrote it, it was in a public restroom at the building where she works. :)

[Goodwriterguy]

I think "establishing" is over-rated and kills most beginnings.

Information is valuable. Save it for a scene where it has impact.
I read through all the posts in this thread and didn't see the idea of an "establishing" shot mentioned, so your post here seems ... odd. Perhaps I missed it?

But in any case, establishing shots are common as apple pie in movies and in television dramas. And why? Because we have to keep our audience oriented (unless we choose, in a given instance, to not) and if we cut from someplace to an INT. somewhere else they'll be hard pressed to know where they are if we don't "establish" the location for them.

The only information an establishing shot should convey is where we are.

As for using an establishing shot in a beginning, or opening, I reckon that would depend on how important it is that the audience know exactly where we are (they are); if that's not a consideration, and often or even usually it isn't, no establishing shot would be necessary. But it isn't too difficult to imagine beginnings that would be well served by an establishing shot and in such cases I see nothing wrong at all with including one.

Keeping track of the audience's ability to know where it is (or to not know) is screenwriter's work, a consideration that's relevant to almost any new scene, to one extent or another. In many cases it is self-explanatory of course, but one dare not not think about it while writing.

If you have a sequence that occurs in Los Angeles or Seattle and then cut to the next sequence and it begins in an office in New York City, you may need to establish that fact before you write the INT., otherwise, that office could be in Atlanta or Cheyenne or El Paso, and the audience would never know the difference. They'd probably think they were still in Los Angeles or Seattle.

[BottomlessCup]

My problem is that I can't find a good place for the film to begin. The woman's life is rather boring before she is kidnapped. However, I need to ESTABLISH 2 things 1) she lives with her dull deadbeat boyfriend and 2) she has a big crush on the young guy who works at the grocery store across the street. Both these things are very important to the story later on.
(Caps are mine.)

I meant "establishing" in terms of first-act set up stuff. I'm not sure if that's a correct usage of the word, but I see it used that way a lot online, and I've use that way myself.

A lot of writers want to use the opening scenes to give uncharged information about the characters: to establish that she's a nice girl, to establish that he can jog fast, etc.

Too often, I think these scenes are essentially blank pages. Without any attachment to the story and characters, they're boring and flat. The writer spends a page and a half giving us one sentence worth of story.

IMO, if you can give us a whole scene's worth in one sentence, write a sentence not a scene.

[Goodwriterguy]

(Caps are mine.)

I meant "establishing" in terms of first-act set up stuff. I'm not sure if that's a correct usage of the word, but I see it used that way a lot online, and I've use that way myself.

A lot of writers want to use the opening scenes to give uncharged information about the characters: to establish that she's a nice girl, to establish that he can jog fast, etc.

Too often, I think these scenes are essentially blank pages. Without any attachment to the story and characters, they're boring and flat. The writer spends a page and a half giving us one sentence worth of story.

IMO, if you can give us a whole scene's worth in one sentence, write a sentence not a scene.
I agree and my earlier comment was ill-founded, although rightful within itself.

Movie people don't use the word "establish" in the way it is being used here. They use it more in the sense that I discussed, which is a very real consideration in features and dramatic television.

A screenwriter doesn't need to "establish" anything, they just need to get their story rolling. Audiences want to see the story and enjoy its movie, they don't want story elements to be "established" for them. Establishing story elements or some expositional things is something that occurs subliminally for the most part and need not be overt for overt's sake, although I can see the sense of it in this discussion. Which is to say, I can see the story logic Celia was grappling with. She's trying to make her opening have logic ("story sense") and be compact, and that's indeed a desirable goal, indeed a necessary attribute of an opening. Then again, you've got the whole movie to give it sense, too.

[Celia Cyanide]

A screenwriter doesn't need to "establish" anything, they just need to get their story rolling...She's trying to make her opening have logic ("story sense") and be compact.

Yeah, that's the trouble I'm having. I thought about starting with a kidnapping. That would be interesting. But if you don't even know who she is, are you really going to be bothered that she was kidnapped? If she wakes up in a strange place, are you going to be surprised when you don't understand that it isn't her house?

SYW posting coming soon...

[Joe Calabrese]

The way I see it, you need to have her kidnapped by page 3 (4 bottom of 4 at the latest).

That gives you some time to care about her.

A phone call to her hubby would be good and having it at the supermarket would kill two birds... A wink from the cashier or a little chit chat before she goes to work.

She gets there, goes to the bathroom and Boom.

I would only hint at the things you want to establish, otherwise you run the risk of the reader thinking he/she is being spoon fed.

Let the cops (as Derek said) bring the pieces of her life together for the reader.

Hope it helps.

[Goodwriterguy]

Yeah, that's the trouble I'm having. I thought about starting with a kidnapping. That would be interesting. But if you don't even know who she is, are you really going to be bothered that she was kidnapped? If she wakes up in a strange place, are you going to be surprised when you don't understand that it isn't her house?

SYW posting coming soon...
Lots of movies begin with what appear to be confusing or hard to understand events which only become clear as things unfold and the movie proceeds apace. One thing about movies, or stories in general, is that you're cool as long as by the time "THE END" rolls around everything has been made clear and there are no remaining unresolved issues or unanswered questions.

I think an audience would have empathy for a kidnap victim even if they didn't know who she was or why she was kidnapped or where she ended up. The audience knows there's miles of film yet to come and it will probably make things clear, as it had better, so they'll forgive a lack of clarity for awhile, ten or fifteen minutes even.

In the opening sequence of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" we didn't know a thing about who Indiana Jones was or what he was doing that had him running from those Indians, leaping into his plane, and flying away to make good on his escape. It was only later that we learned what the heck had been going on in that opening, the "why" of it. There was no prologue to explain what Indy was up to or who he was or what his mission was. We just saw him run and danged near get killed in the process. He could have been a mining engineer looking for uranium for all we knew in the moment.

But it was a great opening because of its high energy, nip and tuck chase, close calls, bad looking spiders, and that death dealing rolling ball.

As long as things are made clear soon after, you're cool.

And this usually occurs throughout, with next scenes "explaining" preceding ones, following sequences making sense of preceding ones, until in the end we know everything we need to know to "get it."

Cheers! :D

[AtomRush]

I think the idea of an opening a film at a grocery store is a great idea,very original.

[Little Red Barn]

Celia, I really like your opener...
Close to yours...Hot july nite, boyfriend in bed...windows open, she walks over and stares out her window ...looking toward the grocery, uhmm maybe a flashback of her meeting with the grocery store guy the previous day, she'll reflect back:Shrug:







kimmi can't think with this tummy ache

[jonpiper]

Do you believe in writing the first major plot point, change of direction, at approx. thirty pages?
If so, where does the actual kidnapping fit in?

[scripter1]

I have a totally different take.
It jumped in to my head about the fourth or fifth posting.

Why not tell the story backwards?

Start with her beating the living hell out of, or having sex with the kidnapper (which ever way your story goes) and then take us back through the steps that got her there.

[Celia Cyanide]

Do you believe in writing the first major plot point, change of direction, at approx. thirty pages?
If so, where does the actual kidnapping fit in?

The actual kidnapping is on page 4, as of right now. Joe suggested I should move it up to page 3. One thing I was thinking of doing was having the story start in the grocery store. She and the store clerk are flirting a little bit, and then she mentions her boyfriend. Then, you see her go home and get into bed with her boyfriend and being really uncomfortable. That would speed up the beginning, but still give all the information I want the audience to have.

What do you think of that change?

[jonpiper]

The actual kidnapping is on page 4, as of right now. Joe suggested I should move it up to page 3. One thing I was thinking of doing was having the story start in the grocery store. She and the store clerk are flirting a little bit, and then she mentions her boyfriend. Then, you see her go home and get into bed with her boyfriend and being really uncomfortable. That would speed up the beginning, but still give all the information I want the audience to have.
What do you think of that change?

Joe is more experienced than I, but moving it from page four to page three is only a minute, not much difference. Either way you've opened with three or four minutes of exciting action and some character development. What do you do with the next 25 pages of act 1, and what propels the story into act 2?

[Celia Cyanide]

I just looked over it, and it looks like the next 25 pages are about how she is being held captive, and why, as well as how the disappearance is affecting the people she left behind. She starts trying to meet the demands of the kidnapper. On page 30, she realizes she is going to have to put more of herself in her efforts in otrder to succeed.

Not that I mind, but why do you ask? Does it change the effectiveness of my opening? Thank you for your comments.

[dclary]

This sounds very similar to a script I fleshed out but never wrote. In that one, the opening scene is a shot of a "shrine" to the woman that the eventual kidnapper has created. He's been stalking her a very very long time, and the scene sets up an eerie, creepy vibe that makes you think "what the f* is this?"

[jonpiper]

I just looked over it, and it looks like the next 25 pages are about how she is being held captive, and why, as well as how the disappearance is affecting the people she left behind. She starts trying to meet the demands of the kidnapper. On page 30, she realizes she is going to have to put more of herself in her efforts in otrder to succeed.

Not that I mind, but why do you ask? Does it change the effectiveness of my opening? Thank you for your comments.

No, it doesn't change the effectiveness. I just want you to be sure the remaining pages of act one keep the reader interested. Then some event at the end of the thirty pages moves the story into the next sixty or so pages, where things get really complicated for the protag.

In other words, don't let the story sag after the first exciting, gripping opening four pages. The opening is important, but make sure you don't let the reader down after the opening.

[scripter1]

being ignored?
I'm feeling ignored.

Sorry, but, this kind of set up has been done over and over and over again.
It's boring.
If you're going to make something really interesting then turn the genre on its head.
Literally.

Tell the story backwards.
Start with how she ends it, the final decision that she makes and then take us back to the steps that brought her there.
At first we don't like her, maybe even hate her, believe that SHE is the bad gal, AND THEN reveal her to be the victim.
Every event will be colored by our prejudgement and then you'll chip away that judgement and make us sympathetic for her.

You get a dynamic opening AND a twist all the way through.

And I just think that you aren't thinking big enough.
You are focused on just your opening and the basic 1, 2, 3 steps to get you through your story.

[Celia Cyanide]

Sorry scripter, I didn't mean to ignore you.

I think that telling the story backwards has been done before, too. Are you talking about Memento, or do you mean more like The Cabinet of Dr Caligari? I think I could probably have a few flash forwards at the start. But I don't think the very end would be an effective opening, in this case.

[jonpiper]

I agree, telling the story backwards is not turning the genre on its head. Begin at the end then flashback: its been done.

No matter where you start, you've got to capture and retain the reader's interest. Does the opening grab you? Do you begin to care about the protag a few pages in? Does the protag go through hoops in the middle? Aren't these considerations important for the genre?

[Joe Calabrese]

I believe the OP wants a stronger opening and/or a good place to start, not to change the entire structure of what has already been done.

That is why I suggested the things I did. Minor surgery with a scaple.

Scripter's way is more involved, but can yield some great results.
Dpat and others also had some good suggestions.

The choice is yours.

Your problem as is now, however, is going to involve your story's timing. You want to get in, introduce and have things happen quick.

Otherwise you will lose the reader.

[Celia Cyanide]

I've posted what I have so far in SYW. Thanks to everyone who participated in my thread. I appreciate it.

[English Dave]

Why/how is she kidnapped? And can this be linked either thematically or intrinsically to the opening scenes?

[Celia Cyanide]

Yes. I tried to at least. I don't like to go into the whole story in these threads, but it's up at SYW

[scripter1]

more like Memento.
Start with the final scene, do everything the same, just ....rewind it.
Same set ups, same story, just start at the end and work your way to what started it.
No Flashes of any kind.

Yeah, it's a big structure change and some scenes would need to be revised but it would lend a whole new twist to your story.

Backwards has been done before but not nearly to the extent that the typical, standard, normal way has been before.

Maybe your story really won't work that way, I just wanted to throw it out there as something to consider.

[Celia Cyanide]

In my opinion, Memento worked because...

S

P

O

I

L

E

R

!

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MEMENTO:

The surprise came at the beginning of the story. We watch the end first, and we think he killed the right guy. As the story progresses, backwards, we start to suspect that perhaps he killed the wrong guy, but aren't sure why. Then, we get to the end of the movie, which is the beginning of the story, and we learned that he purposely led himself to believe the wrong guy was the right guy. He was being used, and he knew he wouldn't remember that he was being used. So he writes down a "clue" that will lead to him killing Teddy.

I think this is a very interesting way to tell a story. But it only works under certain circumstances. At the end of my story, the MC has joined up with the kidnapper, and does to her love interest the same thing the kidnapper has done to her. I can't tell that story backwards, because it would be impossible for the audience to have sympathy for her after that. She doesn't just look like the bad girl. She is the bad girl. So even using a frame, like in The Cabinet Of Dr Caligari, and showing the end of the story first, and then showing what leads up to it, would not work.

Of course, you had no way of knowing all this, because I try to tell as little as possible about my story when I ask questions.

[Joe Calabrese]

The way Memento was written (and worked so well) is mainly because of the memory problem the hero has. It is a crucial part of the mechanics of not only the story but the character. It fit like a glove in that case.

If it wasn't for that condition of short term memory and it still used snippets of memory/story told backwards, I don't think the film would have been as powerful or well received.

Murder mysteries use some form of backwards storytelling all the time as do some other genres with the same feel, but to use Memento as a way to tell any story more interestingly, just won't work for most stories.

The important thing is to tell your story and make it as compelling and "I must turn to the next page" as possible. Make your characters sympathetic and let the reader get into the world and forget it's a script.

If you can do that, it doesn't matter what form of storytelling mechanics (flashback/flashforward/chaotic timelines, etc...) or other tricks are used.