test

[yldii]

FADE IN:

EXT. 16TH CENTURY CATHEDRAL, ENGLAND - MORNING

A bell sounds in the distance, growing louder as we sweep
across the medieval English countryside toward the
brilliantly adorned cathedral on the hill.

SUPER:

Westshier Abby

Crowds of parishioners gather in front of the Abby while more
make the trek up the road from the village below. Monks
scurry to the Abby from the huge open gates of the monastery
next-door.



INT. MONASTERY CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

WILLIAM, a young monk, stands in the dimly lit corridor
facing an open door.

WILLIAM
Brother Thomas, we're going to be
late for the ceremony.

THOMAS, the pudgy bright-eyed monk, emerges from the open
door joining William in the corridor.

THOMAS
(Calmly)
Patience brother.

William links arms with Thomas and hurries along the hallway
with Thomas in tow.

WILLIAM
Patience may be a virtue my friend,
but if you mess up the bishop's
arrival ceremony the Abbott will
have your head.



EXT. MONASTERY COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS

From above the courtyard we see William and Thomas exit the
monastery and head for the gates. Thomas is still tieing the
sash of his robe as William brushes the lint from Thomas'
shoulder.



EXT. WESTSHIER ABBY - CONTINUOUS

The ABBOTT stands with several monks in front of the
Cathedral greeting parishioners as they enter. A lavish
coach approaches.

ABBOTT
The bishop arrives my brothers so
show some reverence.

The coach pulls up and The BISHOP emerges from it. The monks
stand with there heads bowed in respect.

ABBOTT
Ah, your eminence. It's a pleasure
to see you again.

The Bishop extends his hand and the Abbott bows and kisses
his ring.

BISHOP
The pleasure is mine good Abbott.

ABBOTT
You're too kind old friend.

The Abbott and his monks escort the Bishop through the crowd
of bowing onlookers.

ABBOTT
We've prepared a ceremony for your
arrival.

BISHOP
How very nice.

They make their way through the crowd and into the Abby.

[Writer1]

WILLIAM
Brother Thomas, were going to be
late for the ceremony.
"we're"

THOMAS, the pudgy bright eyed monk
"bright-eyed"

WILLIAM
Patients may be a virtue my friend
"patience"

ABBOTT
Your to kind old friend.
"you're too"

They make there way through the crowd and into the Abby.
"their"

Also, using more commas is recommended.

[yldii]

Thanks for pointing out my spelling mistakes.
I will be sure to proof before posting. Also I will try to use commas more often. But I was just testing how to post without losing format.
That does not mean that advice is not welcome.

Thanks again..........
...............Yldii..........

[yldii]

By the way, how do the first two pages read?

[Writer1]

They read fine. The problem is, there's not much happening and I don't have a clue what the story is about.

[yldii]

I posted here about it when it was just an idea 3 days old.
At that time I got totally trashed as if I were serving up my finished logline.
original post (http://p197.ezboard.com/fabsolutewritefrm1.showMessage?topicID=860.topic)
I have worked on the story basics since and only now started writing my first draft.

Anyway I am still polishing the logline and am reluctant to post it until it is ready.
I don't want to get ripped to shreds again.

.............Yldii............

[NikeeGoddess]

nope - there is nothing in this scene* that you need to keep. cut it completely and start it much later...like the actual arrival of (whoever's coming - sorry, i can't rem)

also you need to do more to set the tone of this monastary.

*unless this:
From above the courtyard we see William and Thomas exit the monastery and head for the gates. Thomas is still tieing the sash of his robe as William brushes the lint from Thomas'
shoulder.
implies that Willy and Tommy were doing something nasty in the bushes ;) ;) now, that's a story!!!

write on!

[Hamboogul]

These pages rock!

[DustyReigns]

Oh no, Hamboogul is here too. I kind of hoped he would keep his arrogant immaturity on Done Deal.

Darn.

[A Pathetic Writer]

Hamboogul's a USC film grad, repped by one of the largest agencies in the world. I'd think you'd have a little more respect for his opinion, Dust.

[yldii]

I need some opinions on something.

OK I want a medieval English-ish feel but, I have one problem.
My character base contains some royals and I don't want to be tied to the history of the English monarchy.

Should I take the story out of England & into a fictitious land(i.e. The princess Bride)?

By the way, its a comedy.

Thanks...........
.............Yldii.........

[A Pathetic Writer]

In general, saying something's in medieval england, but having absolutely nothing to do with medieval england is going to take people out of the story.

On the other hand, setting it in a fictional land will make it almost impossible to sell as an unsold newbie.

Have you considered setting it in modern day LA?