Overuse of the parenthetical, (beat)

[ScreenWriterNH]

I'm concerned that I overuse the (beat) parenthectical. My limited knowledge tells me that it is used for three reasons:

-indicate a change of thought

-suggest a moment of indecision

-covey a dramatic effect

I think I have adhered to the listed rules, yet I seem to have quite a few (beats) in the following example.

Am I trying to direct this speech, or, did I miss a rule? Your comments and constructive criticism, as always, are apperciated.


Magellan turns to speak to the armada

MAGELLAN
(command voice)
Men of the Armada de Molucca!
(beat)
Juan de Cartagena has been removed as Captain of the San Antonio for flagrant insubordination. He will be replaced by Captain ANTONIO DE COCA. Señor Cartagena will be confined to Victoria under the care of Captain Mendoza.
(beat)
I have chosen to be generous to this rebel. But he will be the last one who benefits from my favor. His insolence has used the last of my patience and leniency. Any further display of insubordination will be dealt with to the full extent of our laws.
(beat)
We are under a commission of His Excellency King Charles of Spain to find a westward route to the Spice Islands. This armada remains indomitable in this quest.
(beat)
Do not forget your oaths of allegiance, do not forget your duty to our king and to God. Do not forget that the greater glory of Spain lies with the success of this voyage. God keep this armada in the name of King Charles!



I can think of a couple more (beat)s to add, but each takes a line. You tell me, please.

[clockwork]

That amount of (beats) doesn't read well to me. Since the majority of the speech is expositionary, it doesn't really necessitate the dramatic pause that a beat brings. You seem to be using beats almost as breaks for new paragraphs but honestly, I could read it as one long speech and it wouldn't bother me.

If you feel the need to break it up, try adding a line of description instead. I use beats for dramatic effect and their use is important at the right time in my work so to protect that power, they need to be used sparingly.

Just my opinion, of course.

[pconsidine]

I'm with clock. I don't think that any of those examples fit with my conception of what the (beat) is for. In my mind, it's more for use in dialogue between characters, not in one character's monologue.

Of course, I'm a bit of an anti-beat writer myself, so take it for what it's worth.

[Joe Calabrese]

Ellipses "..." can be more effective. However, with long tracks of dialog it would made long lines unreasonably longer. I agree with all. You need action that speaks louder than the words and enhances those words said. You should break up with action. Your characters speak with action and voice.

I took the liberty of doing so a little but you can do much more.

Also, no need for a command voice either. So it this scene, no need for any parens.

I would do it like this.


Magellan turns and bellows out to the armada.

MAGELLAN
Men of the Armada de Molucca!

Everyone halts to hear their Captain speak as he parades down the lines of men.

MAGELLAN
Captain Cartagena has been removed for flagrant insubordination. He will be replaced by Captain ANTONIO DE COCA and will be confined to Victoria under the care of Captain Mendoza.

He stops and proudly straightens his uniform.

MAGELLAN
I have chosen to be generous to this rebel, but he will be the last one who benefits from my favor. Any further display of insubordination will be dealt with to the full extent of our laws.

He glares firmly at the men, especially those who look slack and disinterested.

MAGELLAN
We are under a commission to find a westward route to the Spice Islands. This armada remains indomitable in this quest.

The men resound a CHEER of allegiance!

MAGELLAN
Do not forget your oaths, do not forget your duty to king and God. The greater glory of Spain lies with the success of this voyage. God keep this armada in the name of King Charles!


Now this fixes your beat problem but make no mistake, the dialog you have here could be trimmed down a little more. Avoid redundancy and things already spoken or shown previously.

I don't know the previous scenes of following ones but if you have too many scenes back to back that have lengthy dialog, you will lose the reader.

[scripter1]

(my stupid other version of okay.)

A BEAT is a very strong moment in the action.
What might be called a pregnant pause.

When you use the word BEAT that word should actually BE STRONGER then any other word you would stick in there.

The action / dialog that comes before and after the BEAT is what creates it's power. IF they are strong, full of conflict, or drama, or tension then the BEAT will reflect that power.

[dpaterso]

Joe's rewrite does the biz, with dialogue broken by relevant action, keeping things interesting.

In some pro scripts you might just find a big wad of dialogue, written with the assumption that the actor will figure it all out.

In the posted sample Magellan's dialogue actually isn't too bad, the sentence structure varies, demanding short and long breaths, giving the impression of believable speech.

-Derek

[ScreenWriterNH]

Thanks all! Sounds unanimous. Too many parens.

Joe C, nice rewrite - made it very clear.


Where's that red pen, I have enough beats in this thing for a drum solo.

[scripter1]

not red.

As in HIGHLIGHT blue with your curser, hit DELETE.



How did we ever write before computers?

[Kosh]

How did we ever write before computers?

The Printing Press.

[dpaterso]

I found typesetting and printing just a little too time-consuming, so I used a typewriter instead. Call me radical.

-Derek

[Joe Calabrese]

I remember my first script way back ages ago.

I had 200 Benedictian Monks working 24 hours a day for 3 years straight.

The script sucked, but it sure looked pretty an had some awesome illustrations.

Can't remember much of the story details. Something about some dude that walked on water. Not much of an character arc so I scrapped it and wrote a romantic comedy instead.

:hooray:

[whistlelock]

I have a simple rule for parentheticals- 3 per script.


for everything else, I use action lines.

[NikeeGoddess]

not red.

As in HIGHLIGHT blue with your curser, hit DELETE.

mine highlights in bright yellow


How did we ever write before computers?

remember white-out?
they still make it but it's now used to hide tiny scuff marks on white walls.

[ScreenWriterNH]

I like the tape white out that you can get at Staples now, it's much easier.

[dpaterso]

I have a simple rule for parentheticals- 3 per script.
for everything else, I use action lines.
whistlelock's dialogue-free scripts are renowned masterpieces of brevity.

-Derek

[scripter1]

know a blonde's been working on the computer?

[ScreenWriterNH]

She types something.

[scarletpeaches]

How do you know a blonde's been working on the computer?

There's Tipp-Ex all over the screen.

Ba-doom TISH!

[scripter1]

I guess.

I was going to say White-out on the screen.

Same dif?

[EonPeon]

Hi,

If you listen to those who run screenwriting courses at UCLA, USC etc of the likes of William Froug and Richard Walters, they will tell you NEVER to use parenthetical direction. Why? Because any actor worth his salt will be able to determine to right way to deliver your line and if he can't the director will.

What's more, they may come up with a BETTER way to deliver the line than you've imagined. Overuse of parenthetical quickly shows up the amateur screenwriter.

Keep all your action to the action lines. DON'T direct your actors through parenthetical!

[scripter1]

are in this order :

1) Strong story with conflict and interesting characters.

2) Clarity. #1 isn't going to matter that much if my story isn't understood or key events get taken the wrong way. THAT means I have failed as a writer. The point of good dialog is to change the direction of the scene.
Sometimes that means a line is delivered with intent OTHER then the wording. NOT detailing that change MAY cause the scene/line to fall short.
Same with a BEAT. Used properly it is more then just a pause in the story. It IS the story.

3) Does the READER get / like the script well enough to pass along?

The actor/director doesn't figure in all that much. I try to keep them in mind a little knowing that I shouldn't do their job, BUT, they aren't my first hurdle. For the vast majority of us the studio reader is. We aren't even close to worrying if Clooney can't stand parens. By the time it gets to him it isn't going to be our script anymore anyway.

If using a few parens and BEATS here and there for clarity and small actions ENHANCES the flow of the script, helps create the proper ebb and flow of tension, then go for it.

Of my five scripts that are in progress only 1 uses BEAT.
The others simply don't FEEL like they need it.

There are plenty of pros that use them.
Bill Martell, Ted and Terry, and numerous other pros, semi pro, and professional readers use them.

It's not a cut and dried thing. Just because one or two or even three or four actors/directors don't like them doesn't mean they all do.

[Joe Calabrese]

Everyone knows my penchant for analogies, so here I go.

Professional runners practice with weights on their legs to they can compete easier when the weights are off. Athletes practice in the mountains so when they compete at sea level they won't get out of breath as easily.

People who are taught anything, including screenwriting, are taught the most unbending of rules, so that once they master the subject, they are free to use whatever they wish and that becomes style.

So, when I tell a newbie to NEVER use a paren, or I say NEVER use a transition, what I hope is that they can write a great script using the limited tools I allow him or her (the strictest of rules), so one day when they are experts they can play with more tools (loosen up on the rules).

Parens, transitions, talking to the reader and all those rules people say never do, yet we see the pros do it all the time are tools. They are dangerous tools, best handled by those with experience. I wouldn't give a power saw to a 8 year old, but with some training I would give them a hand saw. Later, when they can handle it, I say "let 'er rip" (rip saw that is)!

Of course the pros do it. They can do anything.

[scripter1]

annoyed when someone says NEVER and it's not like that.
Screenwriting is chock full of OPINIONS and STYLE, and METHODS.
No single one is more right then another.


The industry standard format is the ONLY set in stone rule.

[Joe Calabrese]

The biggest mistake I see new writers make is taking the easiest way out of any problem they come across or using the first thing they think of.

Case in point from another new thread here. The historical thread that the OP was ready to go with a VO.

Why? because it's the easiest way of doing it.

Why? Because they see it in films and other produced scripts.

Why? Because people, like you Scripter, tell them it's not a rule but a style.

Style is for professionals. A new writer has no style. They are lucky if they even have a solid concept.

Parens have a purpose and can be effective if done right and the same is true for every other so called rule.

But a new writer usually isn't ready.

As I said before. It's like giving a power saw to a kid. Nothing good will come of it.

[EonPeon]

Don't forget though...

If you're writing a speculative script, it should be just a READING script...

No scene numbers
No transitions
No character direction (as opposed to action description)

That all gets added in by a production secretary later to become the SHOOTING script.

Focus on your story/line of action, the conflict, the characters and FORGET THE (Wryly)s!!

[scripter1]

differ Joe in how we handle new writers.
I'm all for trying to teach them how these various tools work.
They know they are out there and are just itching to use them.
So, instead of having them sneak them and getting hurt I go ahead and show em how to use them.

It has been my experience that those with a natural gift for story and the flow of the written word come to understand the proper use of the screenwriter's tools.

It may sound very cruel and harsh to say it but it does seem to be true, the ones who can't grasp it usually don't have a story anyway and so these types of things end up not mattering.

This is why I think the message boards and Share Your Work forums are so great. It's shop class.
New writers can come here, ask questions, get a sense of what they need to do and then "play" with the power tools under some watchful eyes.

I just don't think we are doing new writers any favors by just saying "NEVER" and not trying to teach them the actual proper usage.

I'm kind of in the middle on these "rules" of screenwriting.
The only REAL SOLID rules are the type settings, the margins, capping slugs, and the placement of character names and dialog.

Everything else gets to be played with to fit the story.

I do come across some writers who I would tell "For you, NEVER use VO and never use any parens."
THEY do overuse them and haven't got a clue and so need to break the habit.