"Oh my God! Is that a gun??"

[Plot Device]

I have a scriptwriting book that says one of the most frequently over-used cliche lines in movies is "My God! Is that a gun??"


And then one day I wrote a script where a girl (in her 20's) with a questionable mental state pulls out a gun and aims it at the female main protagonist (also in her 20's). So, to try and avoid the cliche, I had the main protag's trying-to-stay-calm reaction be: "Please tell me that's a plastic toy."



So .... what would YOU write in the old pulls-out-a-gun scene?

[Hollow]

If I see one more scene like that I just might go nuts. It's a terrible cliche. Even worse is "Haha! Just kidding! It's really a squirt gun!" I like your reaction, it's sort of funny. Sort of depends what you want to happen to the main protagonist, I think.

[Chumplet]

My protagonist doesn't say a word. She squeals and drops to the ground and the guy shoots at her.

[NikeeGoddess]

i'd go a whole different route

the Girl pulls out a gun

WOMAN
Oh my God! Is that a gun?

the Girl aims

WOMAN
I like your hair.

the Girl smiles and proudly twirls her blond waves with the gun





btw - if a girl is over 18 then she should be considered a Woman or Young Woman if you must be generic

[KCathy]

Am I the only sicko who saw this post and thought, "No, I'm just happy to see you"?

Yep, I'm pretty sure I am.

I think your plastic comment is great, though! It's got a glint of nervous humor without being too comic-book one-liner.

[Hollow]

KCathy the exact same thing popped into my head when I first read it. ^^;

[dpaterso]

FEMALE PROTAG
Is that a Dan Wesson thirty-eight?

MENTAL GIRL
Why yes, it is.

FEMALE PROTAG
Good gun. I like the balance.

MENTAL GIRL
The voices say "So do we."

-Derek

[Rainy Night]

Am I the only sicko who saw this post and thought, "No, I'm just happy to see you"?

Yep, I'm pretty sure I am.

I think your plastic comment is great, though! It's got a glint of nervous humor without being too comic-book one-liner.

No, we writers all think a like. I had the same thought.

[Joe270]

My mind is in the gutter here, but I get an altogether different idea in mind when a woman pulls a plastic 'toy' out of her purse.

Hey, you could pull a Quintin T. type scene and have the dildo loaded with .44 magnum rounds. A whole new take on . . . (oh, I can't write that down. I know I'd get banned, rightly so. ) Heck, I'd make a great title, too. No, nope, couldn't print that publicly.

[Joe270]

Uh, oh. There's the 'lead in the pencil line', too.

[Joe270]

KC started it . . .

[small axe]

Woman pulls gun out of her purse:

WOMAN
Oh there, whew, I feel five pounds lighter.

or

HOSTAGE
Are you insane? You can't
fire a gun here! I'm wrapped in
dynamite!

[Ragnarok]

So .... what would YOU write in the old pulls-out-a-gun scene?

When something jolting happens to one of my characters, I consider a few things, like... What his/her innate psychological make-up (emotional, laid-back..). What was his/her mindset just before the incident occurred (tired, angry at something else). What kind of relationship does (s)he have with the other character (family, strangers,...).

It gives a lot of parameters for fine-tuning and steering clear of phony waters.

Can you tell us more about about the context? If the lady who is threatened just appears in this scene (for example she's a clerk at whatever store), you should try to tag her different personality types (here, add: has she ever been pointed a gun at her face) and see what kind of reaction, consistent with the choice you made, helps you tell us more about the problem lady's personality.

Of course it should permeate the whole scene, not just this particular line.

[Plot Device]

When something jolting happens to one of my characters, I consider a few things, like... What his/her innate psychological make-up (emotional, laid-back..). What was his/her mindset just before the incident occurred (tired, angry at something else). What kind of relationship does (s)he have with the other character (family, strangers,...).

It gives a lot of parameters for fine-tuning and steering clear of phony waters.

I've never put it all into words like that before. I'm much more intutitve about my writing. I really need to get these kinds of exercises out on the table for myself sometime. I'm sure it would help me be much more efficient during those annoying times when I'm stuck.


Can you tell us more about about the context? If the lady who is threatened just appears in this scene (for example she's a clerk at whatever store), you should try to tag her different personality types (here, add: has she ever been pointed a gun at her face) and see what kind of reaction, consistent with the choice you made, helps you tell us more about the problem lady's personality.

Of course it should permeate the whole scene, not just this particular line.


My main protag is walking through the parking garage of her office building late at night after work. It's mostly empty.

Psycho girl, who is a co-worker, walks up to her out of nowhere.

Main protag says "Oh! You sacerd me. Are you okay? Did your car break down here in the garage?'

Psycho girl wordlessly pulls out gun and aims it.

Main protag gasps and says "Please tell me that's a plastic toy."

[Ragnarok]

Psycho girl, who is a co-worker, walks up to her out of nowhere.

Main protag says "Oh! You sacerd me. Are you okay? Did your car break down here in the garage?'


Is it meant to be in the same dialog block? If so it would sound more natural to cut it after "you scared me", to give her a beat to recompose herself. Meanwhile, add an action line to describe psycho girl staring at her silently. Then "are you Okay" will show up more smoothly. (I'd just dump "Did your car break down here in the garage?")

Where does PG pulls her gun from?

Then, with the look on PG's face, I would make the other lady switch to self-preservation mode and assume right away it's a real gun. (it's usually safer not to tease dysfunctional persons too much).

As to what she'd say instead, it will depend on their back story. How surprised is the protag?. (did she do anything that irked PG) How dangerous does she assume PG is? (did PG ever give signs of mental trouble or overreaction?).

[scripter1]

really steering you the right way.

It really depends on what has happened between these two all ready and who they really are.

You can take it ALL kinds of ways DEPENDING ON THE BACKSTORY.

I see your delima though in the lines, Main Protag probably survives the shooting and so you end up with some kind of a talk down scene right?
(as opposed to her just walking up and BLAM, eleminating the chance to say something.)

Well, if that is the case then you need to really rework the dialog to make it fit the overall context of the story and the complexities of the existing relationship.

Main character has to figure out if the hard, cold, bad ass approach will work OR if appeasing and flattering psycho girl will work.

You'll need to figure out if this is a quick fast turn over scene or if it is a longer, drawn out character moment.

It all works together.

[PattiTheWicked]

Someone pulled a gun on my protagonist, and all she said was, "Fuck."

[Chumplet]

In my second novel, a guy pulls a gun in a hockey arena, aiming at a player on the bench. The heroine slams nachos and cold soda into the back of his head.

[Plot Device]

Rag and scripter:

Thanks.

[Plot Device]

Someone pulled a gun on my protagonist, and all she said was, "Fuck."


:roll:

[Plot Device]

In my second novel, a guy pulls a gun in a hockey arena, aiming at a player on the bench. The heroine slams nachos and cold soda into the back of his head.


Is the player on the bench oblivious?

[McDuff]

Someone pulled a gun on my protagonist, and all she said was, "Fuck."

I'm pretty sure that's the most accurate way.

However, in the scene the OP described, I'd say that "please tell me that's a plastic toy" is bad. It's too long and "plastic" is superfluous. Even if you stick with that response you're better going with "I hope that's a toy." It's a tense scene where everyone's heartrate is up, simple words of one syllable get the idea out of the character's mouth quicker. Also, really, your character is going to want to get the girl's mind off the gun, so mentioning it is going to be counterproductive. Better would be addressing the girl herself: "what the hell are you doing?" Of course, the protag might not have the presence of mind to know that, so the first thing may in fact be "where the hell did that come from?" or "Jesus Christ, why do you have a gun?" You shouldn't say "is that a gun" because, duh, of course it is, but there's plenty more to express confusion about in this scenario.

It'll be hard to get the dialogue realistic if you're being super strict about your swearing, given that most people are going to let slip the occasional profanity when a crazy chick shoves a gun in their face, but I think you can easily do it at PG-13 level.

[Chumplet]

Is the player on the bench oblivious?
Sure, he's a hockey player.

[nmstevens]

I have a scriptwriting book that says one of the most frequently over-used cliche lines in movies is "My God! Is that a gun??"


And then one day I wrote a script where a girl (in her 20's) with a questionable mental state pulls out a gun and aims it at the female main protagonist (also in her 20's). So, to try and avoid the cliche, I had the main protag's trying-to-stay-calm reaction be: "Please tell me that's a plastic toy."



So .... what would YOU write in the old pulls-out-a-gun scene?

I remember the little kid of some friends of ours -- once we say him walking around there house clutching a little rubber knife, pointing it and going "bang, bang, bang" -- so I asked him -- "Hey, is that a gun?"

And he looks at me and says, "No. It's a knife. Bang, bang, bang..."

NMS

[scripter1]

NM, don't you know anything?


Plot, you have to think beyond the one or two lines.
It isn't just about the gun. This line is pivotal to what happens next and where this scene goes.

SO, skip ahead to the next beat, to the moment three seconds AFTER the gun is pulled. Where do you need to be?
Then, come up with a line, or ACTION that gets you there.

[Plot Device]

NM, don't you know anything?


Plot, you have to think beyond the one or two lines.
It isn't just about the gun. This line is pivotal to what happens next and where this scene goes.

SO, skip ahead to the next beat, to the moment three seconds AFTER the gun is pulled. Where do you need to be?
Then, come up with a line, or ACTION that gets you there.

*sigh*

:)

Scripter, since you're such a cool guy, I'm finally gonna just come right out and SAY it ... and YOU are the one I'm gonna brave saying it to because I'm (pretty) sure you won't take it the wrong way......

(clears throat)

I did NOT post this thread looking for actual advice on my above-mentioned script. (It was a 30-page short that I wrote for a scriptwriting class four years ago, and have no interest in taking it anywhere now.) I was just tossing out a laid-back, half-serious conversation starter with a humorous twist to it. (Note my attempt at humor in the thread's title.)

All the nifty suggestion people have been giving in this thread for "fixing" that defunct script are totally unexpected and I have merely been grinning through them all with only half-hearted offerings of thanks.

nmstevens (among others) seems to have gotten the correct spirit of this thread. :cool:

Shees! You people are just so darned .......... HELPFUL!!!!! :D

[Elektra]

Have you ever seen Emperor's New Groove? Izma (spelling?) pulls up her dress a bit, everyone cringes in fear, she pulls it up a bit more to reveal a knife strapped to her thigh, and everyone sighs with relief.

[scripter1]

is pretty funny.

Actually, I was watching 24 (season 5) the other day and Almedia pulls a gun on Henderson. Jack sees it on video and goes "Oh my God, he's got a gun."

I just about died!
HEY we were just talking about that on the boards!!
The line wouldn't have bothered me before this thread.

Random thought.
In the Mel Gibson movie Maverick just after the big shoot out on the gambling boat the boat owner says "You're security isn't worth a !@#@
Everybody's got a gun!"

Kind of a decent version of the line, after the fact as it were.

Depending on the film do you think we could get away with "He's got a gun!" "Awe, that's not a gun. THIS is a gun!"


And Plot, we just love tinkering with other's scripts.
We don't care if you don't want advice, we just assume everyone needs our incredible genius.

[Plot Device]

Have you ever seen Emperor's New Groove? Izma (spelling?) pulls up her dress a bit, everyone cringes in fear, she pulls it up a bit more to reveal a knife strapped to her thigh, and everyone sighs with relief.

Yes! I recall that one! :D

[Plot Device]

My own theory is the very phrase is a pathetic and refuses-to-die holdover from radio days.

is pretty funny.

Actually, I was watching 24 (season 5) the other day and Almedia pulls a gun on Henderson. Jack sees it on video and goes "Oh my God, he's got a gun."

I just about died!
HEY we were just talking about that on the boards!!
The line wouldn't have bothered me before this thread.

I guess the "complaint" is that "Oh my God! Is that a gun?" is as lame and useless as "Bob's you're uncle." Especially since both are in second-person.

But your exampe from 24 is in third-person, so it's not a true Bob's-you're-uncle infraction.



Random thought.
In the Mel Gibson movie Maverick just after the big shoot out on the gambling boat the boat owner says "You're security isn't worth a !@#@
Everybody's got a gun!"

Kind of a decent version of the line, after the fact as it were.

Again, not in the same vein as the second-person Bob's-your-uncle phrase. So it's not an eye-roller.

Depending on the film do you think we could get away with "He's got a gun!" "Awe, that's not a gun. THIS is a gun!"

Dundee! :cool:

And Plot, we just love tinkering with other's scripts.
We don't care if you don't want advice, we just assume everyone needs our incredible genius.

:D

[scripter1]

Look at my Avatar!!

The answer to this problem is


"ME-OWE!"

[Plot Device]

Look at my Avatar!!

The answer to this problem is


"ME-OWE!"


Wow! One of my threads inspired an avatar change! Now THAT is an honor! :D

[scripter1]

I've been wanting to do that for a while now.
I just finally figured out how.

Great timing though!!

[Rainy Night]

Where do all the kitten avatars come from, I've seen a bunch lately

[scripter1]

conspiracy MAN!

Cat's are gonna rule the world someday!!!
Gotta start the training young.
This one is our best student.

The frame after this one is top secret!
You can actually see him take the gun apart with one paw.
We train them off The Bourne movies.

[Rainy Night]

This one is our best student.


He looks fierce. Those kittens, they look cuddly, but when you least expect it they wip out the claws...

Okay, keep your secret website, I'm not ready for the truth.