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Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 04:39 AM
It was foggy and slightly windy; the waves were kicking up foam and spray.


The beach shimmered with the early morning sun, as Emma went for her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes as she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy air. It was foggy and slightly windy; the waves were kicking up foam and spray.


I just don't like "it" in the beginning of the sentence.


ETA: It can be foggy and still be sunny at the beach.
I was hoping people reading the paragraph won't think it weird to have a sunny beach that is foggy. LOL
JoniBGoode
10-08-2007, 04:44 AM
Actually, I think it's fine with "it." You could substitute "The beach" or "The day" but I don't think it's much of an improvement.

I don't like "the waves were kicking up foam and spray", though. I'd prefer "the waves kicked up foam (OR spray. To me they're basically the same thing.)

Also, to be totally anal...would the waves kick up spray if it is only slightly windy? Doesn't it take a pretty strong wind to produce that effect?

Just my .02
Ol' Fashioned Girl
10-08-2007, 04:46 AM
The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.
Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 04:48 AM
LOL, I have lived at the beach for several years.

It can be a clear, 0 degree winds day, and be wavy and foamy.

Foam to me is the white cruddy stuff on top.
Spray is the mist coming off the waves hitting the beach.

I like your .02, though.
Thanks.
sneakers145
10-08-2007, 04:50 AM
How does the beach shimmer in the sun if it's foggy? If fog is over land and water sun, or sun is over land but fog over water, it need clarification. Here it seems as if you forgot it was sunny so made it foggy.

It was... = passive
The waves were = passive
as x 2 = repetitive.
aadams73
10-08-2007, 04:50 AM
Wind whipped the fog; waves kicked up foam and spray.
Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 04:51 AM
The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

GMTI....I just reworded it that way.

LOL

Thanks!
Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 04:54 AM
How does the beach shimmer in the sun if it's foggy? If fog is over land and water sun, or sun is over land but fog over water, it need clarification. Here it seems as if you forgot it was sunny so made it foggy.

It was... = passive
The waves were = passive
as x 2 = repetitive.

I get your point.

I guess I was writing from experience, having seen a shimmery beach, even when it was foggy/misty out.
Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 05:01 AM
Revised:

The beach was misty in the early morning, as Emma went for her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes as she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky. The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.
wordmonkey
10-08-2007, 05:16 AM
T'was...

or

And lo, the day was...

or

Verily, yonder day was...

:D
a_sharp
10-08-2007, 05:43 AM
What you have here is a good start on lovely imagery. You're capturing a mood. I've had my way with it below:

A mist hovered along the beach in the early morning as Emma set out on her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes, and seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky, plying the light wind that kicked up foam and spray from the wave tops.

It's not the best, but it catches all your great visual and sonic ingredients. As an exercise, not always but usually, I try to avoid starting a sentence with "the" and see what happens. What I did above was take the action you already had and reverse the phrase order to eliminate passive voice. Also, your original has "as Emma went" and "as she slowed" twice in one short paragraph.

I frequently write the same as your first post, just to get the imagery down. Then I edit for better flow and stronger description. It's a process, right?
Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 05:56 AM
Hmmmm....thanks!

These are very helpful!
PeeDee
10-08-2007, 06:16 AM
*cough cough cough (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=111)cough*

:)
sneakers145
10-08-2007, 07:02 AM
PeeDee, you should really give up those cigarettes. They're making you cough...

;)
PeeDee
10-08-2007, 07:03 AM
You're right, I should find someplace to talk about that. (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=111)
Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 07:08 AM
Are you implying I should have put this there?
I know you had mentioned it on another thread, so I knew it existed.
I couldn't find that thread though.
FYI....I wasn't sure...I did look around and figured wth....here will do just as well!
Joycecwilliams
10-08-2007, 07:27 AM
[QUOTE=Sunkissed27f;1704924][FONT=Arial]It was foggy and slightly windy; the waves were kicking up foam and spray.


The fog blew in on a slight wind while the waves kicked up spray and foam.
FennelGiraffe
10-08-2007, 07:42 AM
More than you asked for, but looking at your revised version I still see a couple of issues.
The beach was misty in the early morning, as Emma went for her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes as she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky. The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

The beach was misty ... The day was foggy
This is NOT passive, it's a copula, but copulas are weak. A copula describes a state or condition, not an action. You can't avoid them altogether -- sometimes they're necessary -- but twice in such a brief passage might be too much.

as Emma went ... as she slowed
There's nothing wrong with the construction "this happened as that happened". However, having two sentences in a row with that structure gives a rather sing-songy effect.
Sunkissed27f
10-08-2007, 08:25 AM
A warm mist hung over the beach as Emma finished her early morning jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes when she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky. The day was slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

I changed it a bit...I will just leave it for now.

LOL