Help! I'm stilted! What does this mean? See sample.

[triceretops]

Okay, my agent just informed me that I've fallen into the stilted mode with my shiny brand new chapters of my shiny new book.

Okay, does this mean forced, contrived, too academic? Sounding phony? He said that the writing was stilted, and it was very uncommon for me to do this. The very first paragraph "raised his hackles."

So I guess I better paste that beotch in here and chum the waters. I have an idea what's wrong here, but need more clarification.

Stumbling down the sidewalk, Remy Hargitay left a meandering wake of Aqua Velva and Boones Berry Farm wine. Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts. Every jarring step saw his hair break over his forehead like a small wave. Keeping the piece of paper gripped firmly in hand, he proceeded to his target address, certain the next building was the location of the foster care and adoption agency. Losing his balance, his feet tangled and missed their firing order. He went down with an undignified belly flop on the asphalt. When he gained his feet, he brought his foot down on his glasses with a sickening crunch. He dropped to his knees and fingered the broken frames and spider-cracked lenses. It was a good thing he had an extra pair at home.

[inkkognito]

Here are my quickie comments. Feel free to take them with a grain of salt!

You say, "Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts," but basically you just need to show that and to let the reader infer it from your description. With the Aqua Velva and Boones Farm, you're already doing a good job of that.

Simliarly, I don't think you need to say that he lost his balance, as saying that his feet tangled and describing the belly flop demonstrates that nicely, with the reader getting the mental picture quite graphically.

[Siddow]

You repeat the same sentence structure over and over.

Stumbling down the sidewalk, Remy Hargitay left a meandering wake of Aqua Velva and Boones Berry Farm wine. Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts. Every jarring step saw his hair break over his forehead like a small wave. Keeping the piece of paper gripped firmly in hand, he proceeded to his target address, certain the next building was the location of the foster care and adoption agency. Losing his balance, his feet tangled and missed their firing order. He went down with an undignified belly flop on the asphalt. When he gained his feet, he brought his foot down on his glasses with a sickening crunch. He dropped to his knees and fingered the broken frames and spider-cracked lenses. It was a good thing he had an extra pair at home.

At least, that's what jumped out to me.

[IceCreamEmpress]

ANTI-STILT BRIGADE REPORTING FOR DUTY!

Okay, I'm going to be merciless here. But I crit because I care. And I'm going to be especially tough on you because I know you have great ideas and great talent.

Stumbling down the sidewalk, Remy Hargitay left a meandering wake

Wakes can't meander. Also, this duplicates "stumbling" and is unnecessary.

of Aqua Velva and Boones Berry Farm wine.

"Boone's Farm" is the wine brand. Are you conflating it with "Knott's Berry Farm"?

Glanced from afar

"Glanced" needs a preposition in this sense. Either he's "glanced at from afar" or he's "viewed from afar" or "seen from afar".

one would expect

"One" is automatically stilted.

that this man lacked taste on all fronts. Every jarring step saw his hair break over his forehead like a small wave.

I like this.


Keeping the piece of paper gripped firmly in hand, he proceeded to his target address, certain the next building was the location of the foster care and adoption agency.

Okay, this is good--he's drunk and going to a foster/adoption agency.

Losing his balance, his feet tangled and missed their firing order.

Block that metaphor! Also block that dangling participle--his feet didn't lose balance, he did.

He went down with an undignified belly flop on the asphalt.

I think belly flops are by nature undignified, so you really don't need that adjective. Especially since you use one to good effect in the next sentence.

When he gained his feet, he brought his foot down

Too many feet. He regained his feet, then he stepped. Or trod.

on his glasses with a sickening crunch. He dropped to his knees and fingered the broken frames and spider-cracked

The cracks aren't like a spider, they're like a spiderweb, aren't they?


lenses. It was a good thing he had an extra pair at home.



Just tell the story. Don't try to be highfalutin. The last person who used "one" effectively was P.G. Wodehouse.

[triceretops]

Oh, Siddow, I didn't pick up on that at all. Man, do I have to watch that one.

But is that part of the stilted problem? Or is that syntax?

Tri

[IceCreamEmpress]

Oh, Siddow, I didn't pick up on that at all. Man, do I have to watch that one.

But is that part of the stilted problem?

It's part of the stilting, yeah. Because it sounds like a translation from the Latin if you do it in nearly every sentence.

"Caesar, having conquered Gaul, then moved swiftly across the hills to Helvetia. Surprised by Rome's superior forces, the Helvetians retreated in confusion. Spurred on by his triumphs, Caesar descended into Dacia, his army 100 phalanxes strong" etc.

[Siddow]

I'd say yes, stilted in the way that a reader can anticipate your next sentence, and actually hum it. Stilted, predictable, stiff and unchanging. I'm just talking about the word arrangement, not your story.

Other than that, I want to care about Remy, but the opening reads from outside of him. I don't know how you're working POV, but perhaps you could go deeper in his head, or in the head of the observer?

[triceretops]

IceCream--the force is strong with you. My eyes have been opened like when a hungry Komodo dragon has just spotted a tiny, naked Flores hobbit, wandering in it's direction.

Just kidding...

So, I've got some overwriting problems here. Coupled with improper word choice, and a few other snags.

I thought it might have been a more general problem, like excessive prat fall gags or something. In other words, stop trying to drag sympathy from the reader by showing how unfortunate this man is, and get on with it.

Tri

[TheIT]

What the others said, but the problem I saw was POV. The first sentence makes me think we'll be in Remy's POV, but the very next sentence pulls away with "glanced from afar, one ..." so we can't be in Remy's POV, but by the end of the paragraph we seem to be back in his head thinking about his extra glasses.

Also, the "wake of wine" bothered me. Do you mean "wake of wine fumes"?

Hope this helps.

[triceretops]

Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts

I think this sentence has to go entirely. It's a speedbump in the paragraph. It's also an omni shift, correct?

Tri

[TheIT]

Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts

I think this sentence has to go entirely. It's a speedbump in the paragraph. It's also an omni shift, correct?

Tri

IMO, yes to both questions. This sentence is completely outside of Remy's thinking, plus I'm not sure what it adds. If this is supposed to be 3rd limited POV, then it's a definite POV break.

[Soccer Mom]

Yup! I'd say the stilted Triceratops is off the wood and back on terra firma.

[Siddow]

Remy Hargitay Sstumbling ed down the sidewalk, left a meandering wake of Aqua Velva and Boones Berry Farm wine. Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts. Every jarring step saw his hair break over his forehead like a small wave. Keeping the piece of paper gripped firmly in [his] hand, he proceeded to his target address, certain the next building was the location of the foster care and adoption agency.

That's a suggested start for you to ponder.

[Matera the Mad]

That "Glanced from afar" sentence has to go because it is totally wonked. Very wrong usage. Who or what glanced?

[triceretops]

Siddow...I know we're on the same wavelength because I went back into the WIP and chopped out those exact sentences.

That's called getting on with it! Thank Jebus.

Oooooh...I like this place

Tri

[Haggis]

Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts

I think this sentence has to go entirely. It's a speedbump in the paragraph. It's also an omni shift, correct?

Tri

It's also telling, not showing. :)

[jst5150]

For reference: "A stilted writing or speaking style uses long, overblown words when simpler words would be clearer and more direct."

Perhaps more clearly, use the right words. :)

[Liska]

Tri,

The previous posters have already covered pretty much everything I would note, but I wanted to add a suggestion: read this paragraph (and then the rest of your book!) out loud to yourself. I always find that helps weed out awkwardness and overwriting, like those pesky gerunds. It's okay to keep things simple!

Good luck with your revisions,
L

[Stew21]

On first read, I found the exact same things as Siddow. I think you are on the right track here. Looks like you're making progress and I have nothing to add but "good work at killing your darlings for the sake of good writing!"
:)

[davids]

Hi Tri-just adding my two cents cause me mom lives in Hemet---yah yah I know but it is true-The Empress and Siddow-listen to em-some of the best crits I have read here at AW anywhere-straight-strong-to the point and constructive? Defines the words I should think!

[triceretops]

You lil crafters rock. Thanks so much.

Tri

[Sean D. Schaffer]

Okay, my agent just informed me that I've fallen into the stilted mode with my shiny brand new chapters of my shiny new book.

Okay, does this mean forced, contrived, too academic? Sounding phony? He said that the writing was stilted, and it was very uncommon for me to do this. The very first paragraph "raised his hackles."

So I guess I better paste that beotch in here and chum the waters. I have an idea what's wrong here, but need more clarification.

Stumbling down the sidewalk, Remy Hargitay left a meandering wake of Aqua Velva and Boones Berry Farm wine. Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts. Every jarring step saw his hair break over his forehead like a small wave. Keeping the piece of paper gripped firmly in hand, he proceeded to his target address, certain the next building was the location of the foster care and adoption agency. Losing his balance, his feet tangled and missed their firing order. He went down with an undignified belly flop on the asphalt. When he gained his feet, he brought his foot down on his glasses with a sickening crunch. He dropped to his knees and fingered the broken frames and spider-cracked lenses. It was a good thing he had an extra pair at home.


You remember how Fred Flintstone became an actor? He basically went onto a set and was himself. You remember what happened when he got the acting bug? He fell flat on his face.

This is something I've seen others suffer from before, so it's not just a cartoon scenario. Look at your old writing, and ask yourself if you wrote more naturally back then compared with the above quoted paragraph. I know when I try too hard, editors notice right away, and they don't like what they see.

So basically, I'm saying that 'stilted' means 'fake'. It's not you. It's not the kind of writer you are. When you try to wax all eloquent on an agent, your writing suffers.

But don't beat yourself up about it, Tri. A lot of people are like this. Just try to get back to the writing that made your agent notice you in the first place. Don't try so hard to impress; just be yourself. :)


--Sean

[triceretops]

Thanks, Sean, that makes a lot of sense. Simplicity itself.

My published books and and other repped books do not have this problem, apparently. This seems to be something that surfaced just recently. And since I've adapted a very stringent attitude about writing block-buster openings, it's now rather obvious that I tried too hard to explain something in easier terms with a more fluid or natural flow. It's that "Captain Hook" in me that messed up this opening.

I have a few readers who are going to examine some further chapters, bless their hearts, and see if I continued with this trend. I've got to nip this in the bud before I've fallen completely into a rut. Now I'm going to reexamine those 170 pages with a more critical eye and makes some notes. Alas, I'll be very busy with the first pass/edit on this.

Tri

[Karen Duvall]

You repeat the same sentence structure over and over.



At least, that's what jumped out to me.

Ditto.

[She Raven]

Just a suggestion: I think it's more on the lines of purple prose/ flowery. Try filtering these actions through the chacterer's five senses instead of lettting narirator tell it. Take out meandering, jarring, like a small wave, firmly in hand, feet tangling and misfiring order (who talks like that) undignified (belly flops are undignified). Go to www.acmeauthorslink.blogspot.com Robert Walker's blog today is on techniques of showing not telling. Good luck and remember rewriting is a necessary evil. LOL.

[Appalachian Writer]

Stumbling down the sidewalk, Remy Hargitay left a meandering wake of Aqua Velva and Boones Berry Farm wine. Glanced from afar, one would expect that this man lacked taste on all fronts. Every jarring step saw his hair break over his forehead like a small wave. Keeping the piece of paper gripped firmly in hand, he proceeded to his target address, certain the next building was the location of the foster care and adoption agency. Losing his balance, his feet tangled and missed their firing order. He went down with an undignified belly flop on the asphalt. When he gained his feet, he brought his foot down on his glasses with a sickening crunch. He dropped to his knees and fingered the broken frames and spider-cracked lenses. It was a good thing he had an extra pair at home.

The repeated sentence structure should probably be avoided, as has been noted, but I see some other things. Boones Farm, as the Empress says, is the brand name. Is that what you meant to use? Also, I think the "stilted" comment from your agent might be referring to your choice of verbage. For example, words like "meandering", "afar," and the phrase "gained his feet" seem realtively old fashioned. For ex: a rewrite of the sentence beginning "Glanced from afar," might be simplified with the words "From a distance," which seems much more modern than that whole afar thing.