Arranged Marriages in SF/F.

[Shirokirie]

I'm sure it's been done before, so it shouldn't be anything n-e-w. The big thing I'm wondering about is how does (or should) love develop between the two partners that are basically strangers?

I'm asking because I want a second opinion on the proposed order of business, IE: Marriage, sex, courtship, bonding, love; pizza, moonlit walks near an active volcano, puppies, adventure time, cockblock, love. Something like that.

So, any suggestions?

 

[Introversion]

I should think it would go as it always has, people being people? No reason to think that SF or F settings would change it.

I'd imagine that love could happen, if both parties were somewhat compatible and open to the possibility. But is that expected in your hypothetical society? It historically often wasn't, as I understand it. "Marrying for love" is a rather recent thing.

 

[NinjaFingers]

Regency romances often follow the pattern of love coming after marriage - any authors from that genre care to weigh in?

 

[Osulagh]

There was /r/Askreddit thread that came up recently that had some good responses. www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2n9kvs . The focus of the thread was about sex, but many responses were balanced away from the sex.

The basic thing is: Arranged marriages vary so widely from cultures and religions that it's hard to say how exactly something occurs within them without a base model to work from. As with love, sometimes it doesn't happen at all, sometimes it happens just like any other couple.

Western media tends to twist arranged marriages. You might want to research some myths and facts, perhaps look into different cultural and religious arrange marriages to see how they compare.

As with SFF: That's up to you, but I do stress that you should research and get a good feel for arranged marraiges and what you wish to

 

[Shirokirie]

As with SFF: That's up to you, but I do stress that you should research and get a good feel for arranged marraiges and what you wish to

I have been doing that. One of the biggest things I was researching was the psychology of 'love' in such a situation (where married to a complete stranger).

I've come across multiple articles that say that arranged marriages are an affair between two families, have a lot of parental and elder involvement, background checks on both potentials, and the decision to marry (or divorce) is weighed heavily by the parents and elders rather than the two individuals.

That said, in the SFF context that I'm looking at, the two characters involved have only just met. The MMC's brother knows his potential partner better than the MMC, and the whole thing ends up being divinely arranged. The main reason being the interest in the offspring from the MMC and his partner rather than the star-struck love thing.

But at the same time, realizing that I live in a modern western society where it's like "IF IT AIN'T 'LOVE', NO!" I'm sure you can understand why I'm interested in figuring that part out. (Please excuse me if that's too general a statement, but I do get that. A lot.)

Otherwise, I really have no qualms about it going the way it may go, in a functional, cohesive but not very romantically-inclined kind of thing.

 

[Brightdreamer]

Eh, I'd turn the puppies into lavahounds, then have the MCs bond over pizza after the moonlit battle with the volcano god. A bit cliche, I know, but why mess with a classic formula?

Seriously, though, these random lists of events you throw out... I don't know your world or your characters, so I can't say what will or will not work. I second the recommendation to look into real-world arranged marriages; it might help you avoid some of the stereotypes. Bonding with an arranged partner isn't uncommon, even if it doesn't always rise to the level of love. (What is, love, anyway? Is it the overwhelming moment of laying eyes on your Soul Mate for the first time, or the comfortable feeling of partnership that develops between two people as they live and work together, or something else entirely? You could spend the rest of your life just working out the answer to that one. Many people do.) But, ultimately, if your characters want to fall in love, they're going to fall in love. You just have to give them the opportunity. (And a few obstacles to overcome, 'cause love's a bit masochistic sometimes and needs a challenge to keep it interested.)

 

[Marian Perera]

I'm asking because I want a second opinion on the proposed order of business, IE: Marriage, sex

They don't necessarily need to have sex right away. Maybe in their culture, no one's expecting to see a bloodstained sheet the next morning, and it's understood that the couple need some time to ease into this part of married life. So it's like courtship and getting to know each other, just with the knowledge that they're in it for the long run. Could be great for building up the sexual tension.

 

[Verbal]

Eh, I'd turn the puppies into lavahounds, then have the MCs bond over pizza after the moonlit battle with the volcano god. A bit cliche, I know, but why mess with a classic formula?

*laughing* Lavahounds and pizza, that ol' chestnut...

What if the arranged marriage had a funky twist? Like all marriages are arranged by the volcano. Who in their right mind would argue with a volcano?

Not this guy.

Except, you know, your two MCs think the volcano is full of hot shit (instead of magma). Then you get the can't-stand-each-other-at-first-then-fall-in-love-eventually classic.

Volcanos, after all, are NEVER wrong.

 

[Roxxsmom]

It's not unusual for couples whose marriages were arranged to fall in love. I worked with a man who was in an arranged marriage, and he adored his wife. In his culture, it's a point of pride for the mothers to arrange the best possible match for their kids, however, and it's not done for political reasons, but with an eye to finding someone compatible.

That's one angle to take, of course, that whoever arranged the marriage did so with the best interests of the "kids" in mind.

If the marriage is strictly political, the outcome might be less wonderful, of course. Hard to imagine how a 16 year old paired off with someone old enough to be their parent (or even grandparent) would feel about their partner. I believe Empress Maude (the last of William the Conqueror's line) paired with a much younger lad for political reasons (he was maybe 14), and they never cared for one another.

I think that if you want to have two strangers fall for one another in the context of a story, you'd need to establish the starting scenario. Are they resigned, hopeful, or resentful about the match? Are they similar in age? Do they have anything in common, or at least share a common goal (common interests are often ways that romance authors turn resentment into love in their stories). Do they respect one another initially? What kinds of personality traits do each possess? Are there any cultural differences between the two partners that might need to be overcome?

In Bujold's Curse of Chalion, the arranged marriage was between two attractive teenagers, and they basically fell in love at first sight. It didn't come off as unrealistic, even though the alliance made sense for other reasons.

 

[Mr Flibble]

I've come across multiple articles that say that arranged marriages are an affair between two families, have a lot of parental and elder involvement, background checks on both potentials, and the decision to marry (or divorce) is weighed heavily by the parents and elders rather than the two individuals.

In some cultures that is undoubtedly true. In others it's far from the truth. Maybe research a range of cultures that have arranged marriages?

Back in the day (like 30 years ago) my religious education teacher emphasised the fact that most arranged marriages have a get out clause -- you meet the other person and can say EWW or WOW, or Eh. And that it's just that it is back to front to how we expect -- western cultures do love/lust followed by marriage/sex/ Arranged marriages (particularly in cultures where it is finding the best person for your kid, rather than scoring political points) is marriage, love/sex (last two can come in either order) The end result can often be the same

It depends on how you view love -- and that is viewed very differently in other places/times. My grandmother married basically because it was convenient for both parties (long story). She loved my grandad her whole post married life, including the forty years she lived after he died

Marrying someone just "for love" is a fairly modern luxury even in the West.

 

[emax100]

I think it may also have to do with who picked out the arranged partner and what their motives are. If the woman and man's family picked out the arranged partner because said partner got their personal stamp of approval and because said partner was in the right ethnic group, nationality and/or political affiliation, then the chances of them falling in genuine love would be very slim. I imagine marriage to an arranged partner based on their political influence within a nation or kingdom would typically go over even worse and there would need to be a very well crafted explanation if they do fall in love. If the family made it about doing their best to find an arranged partner who was most compatible, then it makes it more plausible. As others have said, historically there was more than one reason why marriages would be arranged in certain nations and empires.

 

[jjdebenedictis]

A friend of mine's parents had an arranged marriage, but it was pretty clear they loved each other, were delighted by one another's company, and were committed to the marriage and their kids. It was a happy marriage by all indicators.

My friend (daughter of the above) said part of it is they were both, as teenagers, committed to the idea of marrying whoever mom and dad found for them. They trusted the selection process. They also had good, loving parents who made sure the kids were comfortable with the match too, so it sounds like that trust was well-founded.

My friend herself actually married someone her parents found for her, even though she was born and raised in Canada and had done plenty of her own dating. Her logic was that her parents were just as likely to stumble across Mr. Right as she was, so why not at least meet the guys? She didn't see how it could hurt.

But it did hurt her, for a while. Her parents spent a long time finding a series of Mr. Wrongs, and my friend eventually told them to quit setting her up with guys. However, they persisted (as parents can annoyingly do, when it comes to badgering you about your love life), and eventually they found a fellow who my friend clicked with BIG TIME. (Seriously, those two were born for each other. They're an AWESOME couple.)

The two "dated" each other for a few months before marrying, and they did wait until the wedding night to have sex (although my friend was not a virgin), but she said it was lovely because -- if you think about how long it takes dating couples to start knocking boots -- they were both totally ready to go there after a few months. The "committed for life" decision was the big scary part of their equation, not the physical intimacy.

 

[CrastersBabies]

What I see a lot of? Hate. Marriage. Bazinga! We're in love 4 evah.

Since marriage for love wasn't exactly happening all over the medieval world, our forefathers and foremothers had to suck it up. Need to maintain, expand population. Better procreate.

I have an arranged marriage in mine. They don't love one another, but they are both grown ups wearing their big-girl and big-boy underpants. This is the world they were raised in. They've been told they were going to get married one day and knew it would be of the arranged variety. Seeing female characters getting the vapors over having to marry some awful man while they truly loved another? I dunno. Not my thing as a reader.

For me, my characters are adults. It doesn't matter if they care about someone romantically who is not their spouse, they go their duties and manage well enough. My couple actually develops a solid friendship though the passion is never quite there. They grow into a married couple that has to learn how to work well together.

If romance is in the cards, I imagine it can happen in a few ways. Instant lust followed by deep caring. Devotion followed by love and later lust. I'm sure there are many possibilities.

 

[Once!]

Do you know what I like to read? Stories where a culture different to ours does things that we don't do. They do these things because that's what they do. I then have to adjust to their way of thinking.

Do you know what I don't like to read? Stories where a culture does things differently to us, until they learn the error of their ways and start doing things the way we do, damnit! This culture then has to change to our way of thinking.

That's why I feel uneasy about Kirk trying to persuade Spock that he has to become more human. Because human has to be right, aye captain?

If you are going to have an arranged marriage, why not show us something we haven't seen very often? Why not show the arranged marriage working?

 

[WriteMinded]

It's your world, it's your fantasy, it can come about in any way you choose.

 

[Lillith1991]

Do you know what I don't like to read? Stories where a culture does things differently to us, until they learn the error of their ways and start doing things the way we do, damnit! This culture then has to change to our way of thinking.

That's why I feel uneasy about Kirk trying to persuade Spock that he has to become more human. Because human has to be right, aye captain?

Eh, I don't feel that from their dynamic. Not from any iterations of the two. But then again, I'm of the opinion Spock as half-vulcan may be better able to balance to logic and emotion. Sort of like the Vulcans who left or were exiled when they didn't want to comply with Surak's teachings, but only he actually does follow Surak's teachings in the approved form and suceeds much better than they ever do any time they(Vulcans without logic) show up. The moment in the first ST movie where he is in the med bay and they grab each others hands, and he admits pure logic isn't everything.... I found it breathtaking. Emotions are what let us love our parents, care for our friends, take pride in our heritage as Vulcans in all the franchise certainly do etc. There's no pride just in being Vulcan if you're relying on or aspire to pure logic, just as there's no inherint pride in being human. But still we are shown time and time again that Vulcans view being Vulcan with pride, however muted we may think it is.

Also, maybe I'm weird. But logical as preliminary bonds are with Vulcan physiology, some Vulcan phrases feel romantic. "Parted from me, but never parted. Never and always, touching and touched." "T'hy'la" can be both Romantic with a capitol R if someone is inclined, or romantic with a little r in that it is beyond even the human concept of soulmates.

 

[Twick]

I'm pretty sure arranged marriages had (have) a variety of outcomes from the completely disastrous, to "Wow! We're soulmates!"

I agree that in the case of dynastic marriages, people lived in a culture where this was expected, so it wasn't a shock when Mom and Dad came and said, "Hey, kiddo! We have a spouse for you!" That doesn't mean that everyone was happy about it. "Marrying for love" was a concept even ancient writers were familiar with (it's found in ancient Egyptian papyri), and there has never been a shortage of people who have strong ideas of who would be tolerable to spend their lives with, and who wouldn't. Heck, the whole story of Henry VIII boils down to a very powerful man who just wanted to be married to a woman he loved, but who faced huge complications each time he tried. If he had no idea of "marrying for love," he'd have stopped at Anne of Cleves (that is, if he hadn't resigned himself to staying with Catherine of Aragon in the first place).

So, the progress of an arranged marriage would be part affected socially, but just as much by the people involved. If two people "sync," the fact that they're already legally bound to each other wouldn't stop them from falling in love, any more than it would force them to do so.

 

[benbenberi]

An awful lot depends on the context. Some considerations that may be relevant:

• How is the marriage arranged?
• Is marriage considered primarily a union of families or of individuals?
• What is the purpose of this marriage, e.g. is it intended to seal property or inheritance arrangements, resolve debts, secure alliances, fulfill religious obligations, or something else?
• What is the expected level of emotional investment when the marriage begins?
• What are the expectations of the parties (the individuals being married, and those arranging it)?
• Do either of the individuals have any real option of refusal before the marriage is finalized?
• Do they have any opportunity to meet & familiarize themselves before the wedding, or do they come into it as complete strangers?
• Is the arrangement consensual or coercive?
• How involved do the families etc. remain with either of the individuals after the wedding?
• How does the culture, and the individuals, define "love" in the context of marriage?
• Do they expect love to grow over time, or do they expect the bolt of lightning to strike at once or not at all?

In an SFF setting, you have a lot of freedom to play around with issues like these -- it's part of the world building.

 

[snafu1056]

Who says they have to be strangers, even in an arranged marriage? Some marriage arrangements were made in childhood. Maybe the bride and groom have known each other, off and on, for years. Maybe the groom even serves in the bride's father's court, which would give him and his betrothed plenty of chances to spend time together. In many cultures it was common for important men to swap sons as "hostages" when an alliance was made. Like a prince exchange program.

 

[Layla Lawlor]

I don't have a whole lot to add that other people haven't already, except that as a veteran of a long-term relationship myself (we'll have been together for 20 years this year ... egad) I think I can understand much better, from the inside, how arranged marriages can so often evolve into pleasant companionship and love. My partner and I chose each other rather than being chosen for each other, but the vast majority of our bonding as a couple took place once we were already together. We were both quite young when we started dating (18 and 19) and had never seriously dated other people before. Looking back on it, I'm not entirely sure how much difference it actually would make in the long run, if we were drawn together by a chance meeting at a dance and an initial spark of attraction (which is how it actually went down), or if we were paired off by parental fiat ... either way, we met as strangers, got to know each other, and have grown together as people; we are very different now from how we were then (and much more similar to each other). In a way it feels to me as if most of the love we feel for each other now (nearly all of it, really) is the result of our shared experiences and -- to be blunt about it -- chemical dependency on each other due to 20 years of close contact; it feels very different from that initial spark of attraction, whatever that even was.

Provided that your arranged-marriage spouses have reasonably compatible personalities and you want a positive outcome, I don't see why you can't write it as any sort of courtship/getting-to-know-each-other story, except they're already married so you don't have the "will they or won't they get together!" aspect that so much category romance thrives on. But you can have the relationship pivot on other turning points. Done right, the moment when they admit they love each other, or a moment they willingly throw themselves into danger for each other, could have all the emotional impact of the big "getting together" moment in any traditional romance story.

 

[Once!]

Eh, I don't feel that from their dynamic.

In the movies, I'd agree. But I recently worked my way through the first TV series and felt very uncomfortable about the way that nearly everyone treated Spock as an outsider. It was almost as if his different way of thinking was something to be ridiculed. Human = good. Anything else = not good.

It's a funny thing. It wasn't something I remembered from watching it first time around. But it came across very strongly when watching it with more modern sensibilities.

We laud Star Trek for being ahead of the times, and rightly so. A black woman as a bridge officer. The first inter-racial kiss. Chekov and Sulu. But that didn't stop it from feeling very old fashioned in the way that Spock was treated.

 

[LOTLOF]

I once read a passage by Colleen McCullough that covered this wonderfully. It was in one of her historical novels set in ancient Rome, I forget which. Julius Caesar is discussing his ideas for who will eventually marry his daughter Julia, who at the time is still a child.

He absolutely loves his daughter, and wants her to be happy. He would never permit her to marry a man who would abuse her. However, he makes it very clear that her happiness is not the priority. His own first marriage was political and while he came to love his first wife Cornelia he had no say in the decision.

He states that he was brought up to understand that marriage was meant to help the family. He raised his daughter to have the same outlook, to essentially see it as a duty. She would understand that when the time came she would be married to a nobleman who would be politically valuable to him. The man might be much older, unattractive, and unfaithful, but he would treat his daughter with respect and give her children. Those were really the only requirements. Love and personal happiness didn't factor in.

Julia is shown to understand this reality as she gets older. When she is matched to a man she considers a cold fish she accepts it and determines to be a good wife and mother. Her attitude is very much like a soldier who is being sent to the front.

 

[Marian Perera]

Two arranged marriage plots I don't want to read again:

1. A girl living in a society where arranged marriages are the norm is told by her parents that they've found a husband for her. Stunned and outraged, she declares she will only marry for love, then runs away. Bonus points if, by doing so, she puts herself in a dangerous situation and has to be rescued.

2. A man knows he has to go through with an arranged marriage, but he decides to have one last fling before he reluctantly does his duty. So he goes off someplace and meets an exciting stranger who turns him on. They spend a few days having hot sex in various positions and locales before parting sadly, and with a lump in his throat if not his pants, he goes off to meet his future spouse for the first time.

But what an amazing coincidence, his spouse turns out to be the exciting stranger! Cue happy ending. For everyone except me.

 

[Once!]

Marian - your second plot made me think of a cheesy song I hadn't heard in years...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfWVn0GF48Q

 

[Lillith1991]

In the movies, I'd agree. But I recently worked my way through the first TV series and felt very uncomfortable about the way that nearly everyone treated Spock as an outsider. It was almost as if his different way of thinking was something to be ridiculed. Human = good. Anything else = not good.

It's a funny thing. It wasn't something I remembered from watching it first time around. But it came across very strongly when watching it with more modern sensibilities.

We laud Star Trek for being ahead of the times, and rightly so. A black woman as a bridge officer. The first inter-racial kiss. Chekov and Sulu. But that didn't stop it from feeling very old fashioned in the way that Spock was treated.

You do realize it isn't just humans who do that to him, right? If I remember correctly, T'Pau questions how Vulcan he is during "Amok Time." To humans it is implied he seems purely Vulcan in thought and action, but even canon implies he is equally as alien to his people(other Vulcans) because of his partial humanity. What you are seeing may be because we don't see a great deal of Spock/Vulcan interaction in the serious and so their similar treatment of him is less obvious.