Entry #15 - Beta Project 2014

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: PHOENIX BLAZING
Manuscript Genre: upper YA urban fantasy
Manuscript Word Count: 75k
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes

Hook:

At eighteen, the Phoenix is already a legend, a warrior who resurrects when killed in combat. Until the night the Phoenix dies and a new girl resurrects in her body. Nix is plunged into a glamorous but deadly world of nightclubs and gunfights, where everyone expects her to be a hero… and if she doesn’t solve the murder of the original Phoenix, she may be next.

First 750 words:

Pain.

Darkness.

Nix’s eyes snapped open.

She lay flat out on the cracked tiles of a smoking house, staring up at the ruin of what had once been a spectacular vaulted roof. Fresh blood spattered the shine of the tiles. Around her a huge blackened circle smouldered; smoke curled lazily into the air. Fires still guttered in the shape of spread wings, flaring out from where she lay.

Gunfire rattled in the distance. Glass shattered in a terrific crash. Someone was shouting. “Fi! Fiona!”

The name was unfamiliar. The house was unfamiliar. Absolutely everything was unfamiliar.

The sense of total disorientation hit Nix hard. Her chest tightened, her lungs seized, she couldn’t breathe. Panic hit her square in the ribcage; the breath stuttered in her throat. Then she drew in a huge gasp of air that flooded her lungs and kickstarted her heartbeat.

Hot stickiness had seeped through the layers of her clothing, making them cling to her. Nix touched the wetness and her fingertips came away red. That struck fresh fear into her. Nix fumbled with the jacket she was wearing, yanked at the zip, trying to get at the injury, then froze.

Her fingers had slipped through holes ripped into the fabric. Bullet holes. Lots of them. She stared down at herself numbly.

Then an explosion shook the world. The tiles jumped beneath her, the impact rattled her teeth. Half the ceiling collapsed in on her; chunks of masonry fell tumbling. Reflex kicked in and Nix dived out of the way. The chunks crashed down on the tiles where she had been lying and burst into shards. A fist-sized stone struck her with bruising force, then another, then another, until everything was falling on her head.

“Fi!” As the last pieces of the roof dropped, a boy knelt beside her, scrabbling at the broken stone that had piled onto her. Once Nix had clawed free of the rubble, he caught her arm in a fierce grip. He was beautiful, all warm golds, tarnished by dust and dirt and blood. Maybe eighteen, like Nix. He had eyes only for her. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? You’re bleeding.” His voice was tight with strain. He reached out with dusty fingertips to touch her cheek.

Nix pulled away sharply. Pain flared from the fresh bruises. “Who are you?”

He flinched as if she’d slapped him. “Fiona?”

“I’m not Fiona.”

His face flickered through expressions, tightened, then he spoke to her clearly, holding her eyes. His were a striking amber that blazed in the low light. “You’re Fiona Mallory. You died. Then you resurrected. You’re the Phoenix. It’s what you do.”

“I don’t…” Nix trailed off in confusion. Her head hurt fiercely; she couldn’t seem to think.

“It’s okay. Everything will come back to you. We need to go, Fi. Now.” The boy held out his hand; she stared at it. “I’m Archer. Your partner.” Gunfire rattled again, closer this time. “Fi—”

If she stayed here, she would die. Nix took his hand.

His fingers closed over hers in a strong warm grip and he pulled her staggering to her feet. Nix winced at the creak of her bruised muscles; she put a hand to her stomach, expecting pain where the bullets had torn into her, but felt nothing. She slipped her hand beneath her ripped jacket and t-shirt. Nothing. Just warm bare skin.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Archer touched her arm, her shoulder, little worried touches, then stopped himself, letting his hand drop.

“I’m…” Nix coughed, brick dust catching in her dry throat. She could not even begin to guess what she was. Possibly not human. “I’m fine.”

“Then let’s go.”

What do you look for in a beta?:

I’d love a broad overview of major story elements such as plot and characterisation. This was originally act one of a larger novel, so I’m concerned that the ending may not have enough resolution for book one of a trilogy. I have plenty of other projects to work on in the meantime, so slow readers are welcome! Please note that this manuscript contains explicit sex and graphic violence.

 

[Sage]

Hook:

At eighteen, the Phoenix is already a legend, a warrior who resurrects when killed in combat. Until the night the Phoenix dies and a new girl resurrects in her body. Nix is plunged into a glamorous but deadly world of nightclubs and gunfights, where everyone expects her to be a hero… and if she doesn’t solve the murder of the original Phoenix, she may be next.


Maybe mention that the Phoenix is murdered (as opposed to just dying) instead of waiting until the last sentence. I think that would set up the reason why Phoenix didn’t resurrect into Phoenix: she was killed outside of combat (I gather that’s the reason).

Also, what kind of a person is Nix? It would help to know if she were, say, rich or poor, maybe even a pacifist or unskilled in combat. Something to establish why Nix being in the body of the Phoenix is a bad match.

The idea of someone taking over another person’s body and having to solve the murder of their new host is interesting to me.



First 750 words:

The name was unfamiliar. The house was unfamiliar. Absolutely everything was unfamiliar.


Find a different way to say unfamiliar, it’s too repetitive. Maybe she searches for something/anything familiar, but can’t find it.


The sense of total disorientation hit Nix hard.



Her chest tightened, her lungs seized, she couldn’t breathe. Panic hit her square in the ribcage; the breath stuttered in her throat.

You said she couldn’t breathe two different ways, one is sufficient.

Then she drew in a huge gasp of air that flooded her lungs and kickstarted her heartbeat.


You could probably say it ‘started her heart’ to make the last part simpler.


Hot stickiness had seeped through the layers of her clothing, making them cling to her. Nix touched the wetness and her fingertips came away red. That struck fresh fear into her. Nix fumbled with the jacket she was wearing, yanked at the zip, trying to get at the injury, then froze.

Her fingers had slipped through holes ripped into the fabric. Bullet holes. Lots of them. She stared down at herself numbly.

Maybe combine the two fingertip discoveries into one. Finding the blood first, then the bullet holes, is a little confusing. I want to associate the blood and the holes. Maybe don’t even mention the bullet holes here since you mention them at the end.

“Fi!”

I keep wanting to pronounce this as fy even though I know it’s short for Fiona. Maybe introduce the nickname a little later? I also can’t help thinking it might be an exclamation (fe fi fo fum).

As the last pieces of the roof dropped, a boy knelt beside her, scrabbling at the broken stone that had piled onto her.

There’s a lot of sensory descriptions that should be included here. I’m not getting a sense of pain, but she has to be helped out from the rubble. If the rubble is heavy enough, I’d expect to have trouble breathing now, moreso than the panic she was experiencing earlier. But only mention the breathing problems once between the two (panic vs pinned under rubble).

Once Nix had clawed free of the rubble, he caught her arm in a fierce grip.

Archer clears away the stone, but she has to claw free? I’m confused as to how much was actually on her.

He had eyes only for her.

Phrase this another way… it seems like a jumbled cliché. Maybe make it more literal, like he wouldn’t stop looking at her.

Nix pulled away sharply. Pain flared from the fresh bruises. “Who are you?”

I like Nix’s reaction here. Good way to show she doesn’t know him. I’d say she wouldn’t even have to ask the question.

He flinched as if she’d slapped him. “Fiona?”

He seems insulted, but later reveals that he knows that temporary memory loss is normal for the resurrection. It’s not consistent.

His face flickered through expressions, tightened, then he spoke to her clearly, holding her eyes.

Holding her gaze, maybe? Holding her eyes sounds wrong. He also comes across as being a tad condescending.

If she stayed here, she would die. Nix took his hand.

I’m not sure why Nix would come to the conclusion that she would die. Maybe have Archer tell her?

His fingers closed over hers in a strong warm grip and he pulled her staggering to her feet. Nix winced at the creak of her bruised muscles;

I’m pretty sure that muscles don’t creak… too young for joints to creak, I’d imagine.

Archer touched her arm, her shoulder, little worried touches, then stopped himself, letting his hand drop.

Good descriptions… he cares for her but he’s respectful.

“I’m…” Nix coughed, brick dust catching in her dry throat. She could not even begin to guess what she was. Possibly not human. “I’m fine.”

But she’s not fine. I’m not sure why Archer would even ask, having just pulled her from under the rubble and knowing that she just died. The only reason she’d say she’s fine is if she’s so overly polite that she wouldn’t even ask for a bandage if she were bleeding.


I can see why disorientation is necessary for your character, but it’s bad for the reader. Your MC is called four different names (Phoenix, Fi, Fiona, Nix) and because of the disorientation, I don’t get a good sense of her character.
Normally, my advice is to start the story later, but this is an exception. I’d recommend stepping back, maybe getting to know Nix a little. Even a half a page of something that’s truly Nix would probably help. I’m not saying you have to start with ‘the original Nix’ in a story all her own, but… give me something that’s truly her before all the confusion kicks in.

 

[Sage]

Pain.

Darkness.

Nix’s eyes snapped open. <I would cut these first three sentences. There’s drama in the way they’re written -- short, sweet -- but they don’t say anything really interesting, or new. For me, there’s no real hook here.>

She lay flat out <could cut ‘out’ for flow >on the cracked tiles of a smoking house, staring up at the ruin of what had once been a spectacular vaulted roof Interesting image. I liked the use of ‘spectacular here’ -- nice voice. Fresh blood spattered the shine of <cut ‘the shine of’ for flow and sense reasons> the tiles. Around her a huge blackened circle smouldered; smoke curled lazily into the air. Fires still guttered in the shape of spread wings, flaring out from where she lay.

Gunfire rattled in the distance. Glass shattered in a terrific crash. Someone was shouting. “Fi! Fiona!”

The name was unfamiliar. The house was unfamiliar. Absolutely everything was unfamiliar.

The sense of total disorientation hit Nix hard <I think the problem with this opening is that I feel reasonably disoriented, too. It’s great in that you’ve managed to evoke the feeling/chaos quite well and there’s a bit of intrigue with the imagery you’ve presented, but I don’t think I’ve got enough to hold on to here. And I don’t know your character well enough to care for her and root for her as I feel her disorientation>. Her chest tightened, her lungs seized, she couldn’t breathe. Panic hit <second use of ‘hit’ in this para> her square in the ribcage <this image doesn’t really work for me>; the breath stuttered in her throat. Then she drew in a huge gasp of air that flooded her lungs and kickstarted her heartbeat.

Hot stickiness had seeped through the layers of her clothing, making them cling to her. Nix touched the wetness and her fingertips came away red. That struck fresh fear into her. Nix <I think ‘She’ would flow on better here than ‘Nix’> fumbled with the jacket she was wearing, yanked at the zip, trying to get at the injury, then froze.

Her fingers had slipped through holes ripped into the fabric. Bullet holes. Lots of them. She stared down at herself numbly.

Then an explosion shook the world. The tiles jumped beneath her, the impact rattled her teeth. Half the ceiling collapsed in on her; chunks of masonry fell tumbling. Reflex kicked in and Nix dived out of the way. The chunks crashed down on the tiles where she had been lying and burst into shards. A fist-sized stone struck her with bruising force, then another, then another, until everything was falling on her head. <How does she feel about this/what level of pain is she in even? I’m not sure exactly what the POV is here. Sometimes it feels like close third like in the next para in the description of the boy. Other times it sort of feels a bit distant -- not omni, just not very close to the character either. A bit too cinematic, maybe.>

“Fi!” As the last pieces of the roof dropped, a boy knelt beside her, scrabbling at the broken stone that had piled onto her. Once <When> Nix had clawed free of the rubble, he caught her arm in a fierce grip. He was beautiful, all warm golds, tarnished by dust and dirt and blood <Love the hell out of this description>. Maybe eighteen, like Nix. He had eyes only for her. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? You’re bleeding.” His voice was tight with strain. He reached out with dusty fingertips to touch her cheek.

Nix pulled away sharply. Pain flared from the fresh bruises. “Who are you?”

He flinched as if she’d slapped him. “Fiona?”

“I’m not Fiona.”

His face flickered through expressions <which expressions -- I think it’s relevant to show his emotional responses here. Might give the reader a clue as to their past relationship etc>, tightened, then he spoke to her clearly, holding her eyes. His were a striking amber that blazed in the low light.<this sentence seemed over-the-top to me in describing his beautiful-ness. I would combine with the previous sentence. “He spoke to her clearly, holding her eyes with his striking amber ones” or something. “You’re Fiona Mallory. You died. Then you resurrected. You’re the Phoenix. It’s what you do.” <I don’t know, does he know that she doesn’t know anything? I like the drama/hint in this dialogue but I don’t think it’s quite believable. You wouldn’t hurl that kind of information at someone who’s injured, disoriented and in shock. You’d wait a bit and start at the beginning, no?>

“I don’t…” Nix trailed off in confusion. Her head hurt fiercely; she couldn’t seem to think.

“It’s okay. Everything will come back to you. We need to go, Fi. Now.” The boy held out his hand; she stared at it. “I’m Archer. Your partner.” Gunfire rattled again, closer this time. “Fi—”

If she stayed here, she would die. Nix took his hand.

His fingers closed over hers in a strong warm grip and he pulled her staggering <I would leave out staggering> to her feet. Nix winced at the creak of her bruised muscles; she put a hand to her stomach, expecting pain where the bullets had torn into her, but felt nothing. She slipped her hand beneath her ripped jacket and t-shirt. Nothing. Just warm bare skin.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Archer touched her arm, her shoulder, little worried touches, then stopped himself, letting his hand drop.

“I’m…” Nix coughed, brick dust catching in her dry throat. She could not even begin to guess what she was. Possibly not human. “I’m fine.”

“Then let’s go.”
Overall:

I think you have several really intriguing elements here. I really like the idea of her resurrecting and the way you’ve introduced Archer, who I’m assuming is a LI.

I think the main problem is that I’m just as confused as Nix. I don’t know what’s going on -- what the battle that’s taking place is, what the stakes are behind it. I don’t know what forces Nix is fighting against. I’m assuming her cause is good b/c she’s the MC, but I don’t really know. As a result, it’s hard to root for her, or care.

She also has no clear goals in this scene (that sort of changes to get-off-the-battlefield-ASAP when Archer shows up, but at the start there’s little direction due to her disorientation) and that means that there’s very little tension, or conflict up front, even though your writing is dramatic and your imagery lovely.

I would recommend starting at a different point in the story. Either earlier or later (might be more interesting to start when she knows enough stuff to have goals), whichever works best with your story arcs.

 

[Sage]

CRIT FOR: Entry # 15 - PHOENIX BLAZING

OP is after broad overview of major story elements. Thus LBL is not attempted.

This is an interesting and engaging opening. Some word/construct choices here and there but overall a smooth read. The opening 3 paragraphs/lines are espically snappy and grabby. The only major issue I have so far is how does Nix know those holes on her clothes are bullet holes, and if she does know, why doesn't she experience a major shock, like, OMG AM I DEAD? and/or suffer, psychologically, excruciating pain? Why wait a few paras to poke herself?

 

[Sage]

Entry # 15
Manuscript Title: PHOENIX BLAZING
Manuscript Genre: upper YA urban fantasy
Manuscript Word Count: 75k
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes
Hook:
At eighteen, the Phoenix is already a legend, a warrior who resurrects when killed in combat. Until the night the Phoenix dies and a new girl resurrects in her body. Nix is plunged into a glamorous but deadly world of nightclubs and gunfights, where everyone expects her to be a hero… and if she doesn’t solve the murder of the original Phoenix, she may be next.
Like the hook – pulls you into the story.
First 750 words:
Pain.
Darkness.
Nix’s eyes snapped open.
She lay flat out on the cracked tiles of a smoking house, staring up at the ruin of what had once been a spectacular vaulted roof. Fresh blood spattered the shine of the tiles. Around her a huge blackened circle smouldered; smoke curled lazily into the air. Fires still guttered in the shape of spread wings, flaring out from where she lay. (Does this mean she was on fire?)
Gunfire rattled in the distance. Glass shattered in a terrific crash. Someone was shouting. “Fi! Fiona!”
The name was unfamiliar. The house was unfamiliar. Absolutely everything was unfamiliar.
The sense of total disorientation hit Nix hard. Her chest tightened, her lungs seized, she couldn’t breathe. Panic hit her square in the ribcage; the breath stuttered in her throat. Then she drew in a huge gasp of air that flooded her lungs and kick-started? her heartbeat.

Hot stickiness had seeped through the layers of her clothing, making them cling to her. Nix touched the wetness and her fingertips came away red. That struck fresh fear into her. Nix fumbled with the jacket she was wearing, yanked at the zip, trying to get at the injury, then froze.

Her fingers had slipped through holes ripped into the fabric. Bullet holes. Lots of them. She stared down at herself numbly

Then an explosion shook the world. The tiles jumped beneath her, the impact rattled her teeth. Half the ceiling collapsed in on her; chunks of masonry fell tumbling. Reflex kicked in and Nix dived out of the way. The chunks crashed down on the tiles where she had been lying and burst into shards. A fist-sized stone struck her with bruising force, then another, then another, until everything was falling on her head. (If fist sized pieces of rock hit wouldn’t she be badly hurt/crushed/dead again?)

“Fi!” As the last pieces of the roof dropped, a boy knelt beside her, scrabbling at the broken stone that had piled onto her. Once Nix had clawed free of the rubble, he caught her arm in a fierce grip. He was beautiful, all warm golds, tarnished by dust and dirt and blood. Maybe eighteen, like Nix. He had eyes only for her. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? You’re bleeding.” His voice was tight with strain. He reached out with dusty fingertips to touch her cheek.

Nix pulled away sharply. Pain flared from the fresh bruises. “Who are you?”

He flinched as if she’d slapped him. “Fiona?”

“I’m not Fiona.”

His face flickered through expressions (what expressions?), tightened, then he spoke to her clearly, holding her eyes. His were a striking amber that blazed in the low light. “You’re Fiona Mallory. You died. Then you resurrected. You’re the Phoenix. It’s what you do.”(What made him tell her that? Is it always like this.)

“I don’t…” Nix trailed off in confusion. Her head hurt fiercely; she couldn’t seem to think. (She seems very calm for someone who’s just woken up in a battlefield – that may be her personality

“It’s okay. Everything will come back to you. We need to go, Fi. Now.” The boy held out his hand; she stared at it. “I’m Archer. Your partner.” Gunfire rattled again, closer this time. “Fi—”

If she stayed here, she would die. Nix took his hand.

His fingers closed over hers in a strong warm grip and he pulled her staggering to her feet. Nix winced at the creak of her bruised muscles; she put a hand to her stomach, expecting pain where the bullets had torn into her, but felt nothing. She slipped her hand beneath her ripped jacket and t-shirt. Nothing. Just warm bare skin.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Archer touched her arm, her shoulder, little worried touches (nice characterisation), then stopped himself, letting his hand drop.

“I’m…” Nix coughed, brick dust catching in her dry throat. She could not even begin to guess what she was. Possibly not human. “I’m fine.”

“Then let’s go.”
I didn’t really get a sense of location from this introduction. It was also unclear why and how Nix got there. I’m sure that explanation comes later.
I thought your characters were developing well.
I really liked the premise of your story - I would be happy to beta read if required.

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: PHOENIX BLAZING
Manuscript Genre: upper YA urban fantasy
Manuscript Word Count: 75k
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes

Hook:

At eighteen, the Phoenix is already a legend, a warrior who resurrects when killed in combat. Until the night the Phoenix dies and a new girl resurrects in her body. Nix is plunged into a glamorous but deadly world of nightclubs and gunfights, where everyone expects her to be a hero… and if she doesn’t solve the murder of the original Phoenix, she may be next.

In general I like this concept. MC resurrects in the body of a girl who should have resurrected into her own body, and she has to figure why Phoenix was killed and why she didn't resurrect. One thing that I'm not sure works is starting with this other Phoenix, when the book centers on Nix. Furthermore, I wondered about the nightclubs because I'm seeing warrior above and hero below, and I'm wondering what nightclubs have to do with it. It's clear to you and the novel, I'm sure, but for the hook, it's out of place.

First 750 words:

Pain.

Darkness.

Nix’s eyes snapped open.

She lay (always confused by lay, lie, etc. so I looked it up, and this is correct, hooray!) flat out on the cracked tiles of a smoking house, staring up at the ruin of what had once been a spectacular vaulted roof. Fresh blood spattered the shine of the tiles. Around her a huge, blackened circle smouldered; smoke curled lazily into the air. Fires still guttered in the shape of spread wings, flaring out from where she lay. Loving this description!

Gunfire rattled in the distance. Glass shattered in a terrific crash. Someone was shouting. “Fi! Fiona!”

The name was unfamiliar. The house was unfamiliar. Absolutely everything was unfamiliar. You have lots of really short sentences, coming at us pretty quickly. That might be your intention, but I'm not sure it works. Also, for my personal preference, I think this repeated "unfamiliar" would work better as a different word (like "strange"). I don't know, we're just getting to know Nix, and this could totally be her voice, but it was just slightly off to me for a repeated word like this.

The sense of total disorientation hit Nix hard. Her chest tightened, her lungs seized, she couldn’t breathe. Panic hit her square in the ribcage; the breath stuttered in her throat. Then she drew in a huge gasp of air that flooded her lungs and kickstarted her heartbeat.

Hot stickiness had seeped through the layers of her clothing, making them cling to her. Nix touched the wetness, and her fingertips came away red. That struck fresh fear into her. Nix fumbled with the jacket she was wearing, yanked at the zipper, trying to get at the injury, then froze.

Her fingers had slipped through holes ripped into the fabric. Bullet holes. Lots of them. She stared down at herself numbly.

Then an explosion shook the world. The tiles jumped beneath her, the impact rattled her teeth. Half the ceiling collapsed in on her; chunks of masonry fell tumbling. Reflex kicked in, and Nix dived out of the way. The chunks crashed down on the tiles where she had been lying and burst into shards. A fist-sized stone struck her with bruising force, then another, then another, until everything was falling on her head.

“Fi!” As the last pieces of the roof dropped, a boy knelt beside her, scrabbling at the broken stone that had piled onto her. Once Nix had clawed free of the rubble, he caught her arm in a fierce grip. He was beautiful, all warm golds, tarnished by dust and dirt and blood. Maybe eighteen, like Nix. He had eyes only for her. This is very cliche, and tends to be used in a romance context, which I don't think we're seeing here. If we are supposed to accept this right now, we're going to need more than the cliche, but I think you just mean that he's ignoring everything else going on around them to check on her. The romantic feelings do get shown in just a second, but if you want it here, you have to give us it here. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? You’re bleeding.” His voice was tight with strain. He reached out with dusty fingertips to touch her cheek.

Nix pulled away sharply. Pain flared from the fresh bruises. “Who are you?”

He flinched as if she’d slapped him. “Fiona?”

“I’m not Fiona.”

His face flickered through expressions, tightened, then he spoke to her clearly, holding her eyes. His were a striking amber that blazed in the low light. “You’re Fiona Mallory. You died. Then you resurrected. You’re the Phoenix. It’s what you do.”

“I don’t…” Nix trailed off in confusion. Her head hurt fiercely; she couldn’t seem to think. I can see you're a fan of the semi-colon. I've become more fond of it myself lately, but I think that you're using it a lot when a period would do. I don't see this many semi-colons in a lot of YA

“It’s okay. Everything will come back to you. We need to go, Fi. Now.” The boy held out his hand; she stared at it. “I’m Archer. Your partner.” Gunfire rattled again, closer this time. “Fi—”

If she stayed here, she would die. Nix took his hand.

His fingers closed over hers in a strong warm grip, and he pulled her staggering to her feet. Nix winced at the creak of her bruised muscles; she put a hand to her stomach, expecting pain where the bullets had torn into her, but felt nothing. She slipped her hand beneath her ripped jacket and t-shirt. Nothing. Just warm, bare skin.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Archer touched her arm, her shoulder, little worried touches, then stopped himself, letting his hand drop.

“I’m…” Nix coughed, brick dust catching in her dry throat. She could not even begin to guess what she was. Possibly not human. “I’m fine.”

“Then let’s go.”

General comments:

I know I nitpicked a lot, but overall, I really enjoyed this. I can see elements of the could-be romance already, and some upcoming heartbreak for Archer. We start off with everything really intense, and even though we're in the middle of confusion, there are hints to Nix's personality. I think that maybe you could bring a little more of her, but I don't think you need too much more at this juncture. I love your descriptions, and I thought you did a great balance between them, thoughts, dialogue, etc. Your descriptions never confused me, which is really saying something.

Great job!

 

[Parametric]

Hi, everybody! Thanks very much for your thoughtful comments on PHOENIX BLAZING. I'm sending out the manuscript to everyone who requested it, so if anyone else is up for magic-equipped teenage soldiers getting in over their heads, all feedback is welcome.