"Mommy" or "her mommy"

[Aymee]

I'm working on a short story with only two characters: a little girl named Grace and her mother. Throughout the story, I used "Mommy" as a name for the mother. However, someone who was reading the story suggested I change it to "her mommy." What are your thoughts on this? I'd love to hear some advice.

Thanks!

 

[Sara by the Sea]

I've read plenty of children's books in 3rd person that use Mom/Mama/Mommy instead of his/her mom. So I'd say it's up to you. Sometimes it gives the words a different feel/rhythm. You could always share a chunk here and see what people say.

 

[Smish]

Either is correct. I prefer "Mommy", though.

 

[Aymee]

Thanks to both of you. Right now, I like the way "Mommy" works in the story, and I just did a bunch of editing to get it down under 800 words in case I end up submitting it to the Cricket Magazine group (Spider will take fiction up to 1000 words, but Ladybug only does up to 800, so I don't want to submit to Spider, have them think it would be good for Ladybug instead, but dismiss it because it's too long). Changing all instances of "Mommy" from the narrative voice to "her mommy" would definitely add to word count.

 

[MsJudy]

Sometime ago, somebody here (sissybaby, was it you? I can't remember) had an agent comment that using "Mom" if it wasn't in first person was incorrect.

However, we all agreed that agent was being dumb. It's done that way in books all the time.

 

[MJWare]

I think it has a lot to do with the voice of the story. If it's being told from the perspective of the little girl, Mommy probably works.

Sometime you might want to change it to one way or another for effect. I often need to read the story out loud to figure what works best (for just about any word chose).

It sounds like you're giving it the attention it deserves, so I think you'll pick the way that works best for your story.

Best of luck and let us know if you sell it!

 

[KillingAurora]

Is it in first person from Grace's POV? If so, I say use Mommy:

I was thirsty so Mommy gave me a drink.

If it's in thrid person, I say use her Mommy:

Grace was thirsty so her Mommy gave her a drink.

 

[Katrina S. Forest]

If it's in third person, it could go either way. "Her mommy" will give it a more distant (or as one of my writing teachers called it "zoomed out") tone, and "Mommy" will give it a closer tone. Pick whichever reflects the rest of the text better. Does the audience see your protagonist's direct thoughts in the story? That might a bit closer point of view and "Mommy" would match better. If the story focuses more on the larger scope of things, "her mommy" might be more appropriate.

 

[Aymee]

Hmmm... Everyone has made some interesting points. I think I need to return to Sara's suggestion that I post a chunk here. I'd post the whole thing over in SYW, but I can't yet.

So, here's just the second paragraph of the story:

Mommy was still sleeping, so Grace quietly brushed her teeth, got dressed, and brushed her hair into a ponytail. By the time Mommy woke up and came into the kitchen, Grace was pulling the heavy jug of milk out of the refrigerator all by herself. Mommy laughed and said, “Grace, why don’t you let me do that?” As Mommy poured milk over Grace’s cereal she said, “Why are you up so early?”

In this paragraph, Grace doesn't speak, but throughout the story, she often addresses her mother. For example:

“Mommy! Mommy! It’s 9:00!” Grace shouted as she ran into the kitchen, where Mommy was sipping her coffee.

The story is certainly 3rd person POV, but it reflects on Grace and her ideas about time. Grace is never absent from the story, whereas Mommy is absent thrice in the beginning (Grace gets ready by herself and then plays by herself while Mommy gets ready and then while Mommy presumably drinks coffee and reads the paper before they leave for their big day.) The narrative does include much insight into exactly how Grace is thinking throughout the story. So, it's not really an omnipresent tone... It's 3rd person, but only Grace's thoughts are seen. Ack! Now I'm confusing myself. LOL. I'm going to stop rambling and post.

 

[Smish]

It's fine. Seriously. Even in third person. I promise.

Grace is your MC. She calls her mother Mommy. It's her mother's name.

If your MC was Peter, Grace's best friend who lives across town with his own delightful mother whom he calls Mum, Mommy would not be appropriate.

Get it?

 

[Morrell]

I think you're right on track, Aymee. You're in close third POV, which means we're seeing things from Grace's perspective. In other words, you wouldn't suddenly tell us what Mommy is thinking, or the dog, or the mailman, or whoever. Grace thinks of her mother as "Mommy", so in effect that's her name (as Smish said).

Saying "her mommy" would put more distance between the reader and the character.

 

[Aymee]

Thanks Smish and Ruth. I think I just needed to be guided through understanding exactly what my POV is to understand why I felt like fighting for "Mommy" to remain. This is my July writing prompt story, so hopefully it will appear in the SYW forum soon!

 

[Smish]

If you post it in the July Writing Prompt thread and report the message (click the red triangle icon under your avi), I'll come along later to move it to SYW for you. Otherwise, you'll have to wait until you have fifty posts under your belt to post it in SYW yourself (and why wait, when I can do it for you? )

 

[sissybaby]

Yes, MsJudy, it was me. And I took the agent's advice. Then when my editor went through it she told me to change it to Mom. As was stated in this thread, it put distance between the readers and the story, which I tend to do in other areas, also.

So it tightens up the story and it makes their relationship more intimate, or that's the way I think I understand it.

MsJudy - you have an amazing memory.

 

[TheHungryFreelancer]

I also like "Mommy" as opposed to "her mommy." It helps the readers feel closer and more connected to the characters.

 

[MJWare]

Just remember sometimes a little distance (even call it prospective) is just what the story needs.
It's like the rule, "Show don't tell." It's right most of the time, but there are times when you just need to pass along a big if info and get on with the story.

In this sample though, I think it works as is.

 

[MsJudy]

MsJudy - you have an amazing memory.

Both a blessing and a curse.

My 13yo's is even more amazing. Now I'm beginning to understand what my parents went through, raising me.