How to get out of doing homework with the kids.

Well, I tried to get out of some parental duties, but it backfired. My 6-yr-old always does a fantastic job of completely destroying her bedroom and insists on a 'group effort' and 'teamwork' in cleaning up her mess. So, I told her, "Sure. I'll help you clean your room and you can help me fix dinner." We were having duck and you know the various body parts you have to pull out of different cavities? Well, I just knew when my daughter pulled its neck from its rectum, she would be all grossed out. Didn't work. She didn't even flinch. And she insisted on holding the duck up and washing its armpits thoroughly. Well, as it turns out, I stood behind her and told her what to do to the bird and when it came time to clean her room, she sat on her bed and told me what to clean.
I have learned to watch my words carefully when making a deal with my daughter.

This is why I have the best kids in the world-- the kind you send home with their parents...

Have you tried hot poker and metal yard sticks?

Whut? Just saying...

Tell him "barn apples" are for dinner tonight.

I've found that waving the gun around works best...

Starving them for five days work like a charm, too.

That and waterboarding.