I hope I don't end up like my own mother

aadams73 · Oct 26, 2009

I'm a very lucky woman because I really like and respect my mother as a person.

She'd kill for me. She'd die for me. She and my father worked hard to provide for my sister and me. She has never hesitated to let me know that she'd be there for me, even when I stuck my chin out and insisted I was fine and didn't need help.

We've had our moments. She doesn't believe in divorce, so mine didn't thrill her. She'd like me to have a husband and kids. But at the end of the day, a gentle reminder that this is my life and my path keeps us from stepping on each other toes.

Occasionally something rolls out of my mouth and I think, "Wow, I sound just like my mother." But you know what? I could do far worse than to be like her. Because my mom is a really great person...even if she sometimes calls my sister and me by her dogs' names.

Alpha, this is the woman who put Band-Aids on your knees when you were little, and maybe she skipped a meal or two so you'd be able to eat when money was tight. Be firm with her, but don't be harsh. Keep that door open.

Maryn is right, you're already the winner.

Roger J Carlson · Oct 26, 2009

Alpha Echo said:
I'll try that, Roger...but I'm waiting until after The Meeting. You're right, and that's how I try to be with her. She just makes it so difficult because she gets immature. But very good advice that I do try to take.

I'd like to expand just a little. I was a salesman for a while, and sales training works much the same as interpersonal relationships. Here are some tips:

1) Actually script out what you're going to say and try to anticipate as many objections as you can. Don't try to wing it.

2) Don't hesitate, flinch, or beat around the bush. Sit her down, look her in the eye and say your say, but say it with the respect and courtesy you would expect from your own children.

3) Always present in the positive. Don't say "If you can't accept this, then..." because it gives her the option. Say something like "Can you do that for me?"

4) If she responds in the positive (no matter how grudgingly) always act as if she's agreed wholeheartedly. You may have to act, but do it. Say, "Thanks mom! You don't know what that means to me." and give her a big hug.

5) Also be prepared for a "no". Have some response ready that tells her that while you're disappointed, you still love her, but you're going to be living your life your own way regardless. Then leave open the option that when she's ready, you'll be glad to talk to her about it again.

Alpha Echo · Oct 27, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
How about writing to her? Would she read a letter?

Actually, that's how most of our communication is - email. We both communicate better through the written word. I am awful with face to face.

Kitty Pryde said:
I have a better plan than anyone else has suggested yet.

Tell her you're gay and you're bringing your girlfriend over for the holidays, and also you're moving in with said girlfriend.

Then when she starts breathing again, tell her you're just kidding, and really you're moving in with a really nice guy.

-Sarah, harnessing the power of homophobia for good since 2004

Haha! That would actually be really funny, but I've always been a really bad joker.

Roger J Carlson said:
I'd like to expand just a little. I was a salesman for a while, and sales training works much the same as interpersonal relationships. Here are some tips:

1) Actually script out what you're going to say and try to anticipate as many objections as you can. Don't try to wing it.

2) Don't hesitate, flinch, or beat around the bush. Sit her down, look her in the eye and say your say, but say it with the respect and courtesy you would expect from your own children.

3) Always present in the positive. Don't say "If you can't accept this, then..." because it gives her the option. Say something like "Can you do that for me?"

4) If she responds in the positive (no matter how grudgingly) always act as if she's agreed wholeheartedly. You may have to act, but do it. Say, "Thanks mom! You don't know what that means to me." and give her a big hug.

5) Also be prepared for a "no". Have some response ready that tells her that while you're disappointed, you still love her, but you're going to be living your life your own way regardless. Then leave open the option that when she's ready, you'll be glad to talk to her about it again.

Very good advice, Roger. But should I wait until after the Guy meets her? I just can't decide. I'm so tired of her passive aggressiveness. I want to call her on it. It's so exhausting dealing with her sometimes.

For example - the other day she emailed me after trying to call and not reaching me. She says "Please keep your phone with you at all times, Alpha."

I tell her completely upbeat and happy and nicely that I am sorry and I'll do my best to keep my phone with me. She writes back, "Yes, do that." And I say, "Momma, I apologized and said I will." Then she tells me to stop being so touchy b/c it makes it hard to talk to me!

Where did she get that I'm being touchy? Maybe I should have just let it go at "Yes, do that." But I always just let it go, and she always has an attitude.

I really don't want to stir up more waters before she meets the Guy.

Before Christmas...probably. But not before she meets him! Right?

James81 · Oct 27, 2009

I would've probably let it go at "Please keep your phone with you at all time, Alpha." (I can't believe they named you "alpha" btw that's harsh :tongue

)

I think that I've figured out that most parents just have things that they feel like they have to say to their kids. Especially if they know that their kid has been hurt in the past. That was probably one of those things. I've learned that it's better to just let them say their piece with little to no response so that they can feel better in having said it than it is to respond and/or fight about stuff like that.

Essentially, pick your battles.

Alpha Echo · Oct 27, 2009

That's what I'm trying to do. That's why I haven't said anything about The Friend. Ignored her completely. Or anything else about answering my phone (from the email I posted in the OP). All I responded to was the date she agreed to meet The Guy.

Roger J Carlson · Oct 27, 2009

Alpha Echo said:
Very good advice, Roger. But should I wait until after the Guy meets her? I just can't decide. I'm so tired of her passive aggressiveness. I want to call her on it. It's so exhausting dealing with her sometimes.

For example - the other day she emailed me after trying to call and not reaching me. She says "Please keep your phone with you at all times, Alpha."

I tell her completely upbeat and happy and nicely that I am sorry and I'll do my best to keep my phone with me. She writes back, "Yes, do that." And I say, "Momma, I apologized and said I will." Then she tells me to stop being so touchy b/c it makes it hard to talk to me!

Where did she get that I'm being touchy? Maybe I should have just let it go at "Yes, do that." But I always just let it go, and she always has an attitude.

I really don't want to stir up more waters before she meets the Guy.

Before Christmas...probably. But not before she meets him! Right?

First of all, you shouldn't apologize for living your own life. Your phone is for your convenience, not hers. Probably, you should have said, "I try to keep it with me, but sometimes I forget." If she then insists, come back with, "I'll try, but if I don't, I'll call you back as soon as I can."

The point here is not this one conversation, but not allowing her to dictate anything to you. Think of every conversation as a contest that you must win.

If she makes a blunt demand and you don't want to argue, react as if she'd made a polite request. Never agree unconditionally to a demand, always respond with an "I'll try" or "If I can, I will." or something similar.

If she makes a demand that you don't want to comply with, politely respond in the negative. "I'm sorry, but that's not convenient for me that day. What about the next day?"

Always be polite, but don't give in. By now, you know pretty much the kind of thing she's going to say, so practice for it. Think of how you can turn it around in your favor.

As for timing, you have to decide that on your own, but I would probably do it before she meets him. The sooner you begin to establish that you will determine your own actions, the sooner she will come to accept it. Waiting will only delay the conflict. It won't make it any easier.

Alpha Echo · Oct 27, 2009

You're probably right. I should let her know where he and I are so she meets him knowing that all ready. I think she's really been in denial as far as my relationship with this guy goes. I'm just putting off the inevitable.

I want to ask her not to put the guilt trip on me every time I don't answer my phone or do what she wants or expects. But that will just cause more guilt trips.

The Guy is being really great about it, but the more he hears, the more frustrated he gets, and he hasn't even met her yet!

Roger J Carlson · Oct 27, 2009

Alpha Echo said:
I want to ask her not to put the guilt trip on me every time I don't answer my phone or do what she wants or expects. But that will just cause more guilt trips.

Ah, there's the rub! No one can "put a guilt trip" on you. You are doing it to yourself. You must stop allowing your mother to make you feel guilty. Asking her to stop trying to make you feel guilty won't work, but if you actually stop feeling guilty, she'll eventually stop.

No one can make you do or feel anything without your cooperation. Stop cooperating.

Satori1977 · Oct 27, 2009

I understand where you are coming from. I have a strained relationship with my mother, and that is at its best. If it weren't for my kids (whom she adores and they love her) I don't think I would have any type of relationship with her. But she is good with them, and I don't want to be the person to take grandma away from my kids. My daughter especially would never forgive me. And don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She birthed me, she helped raise me, and I am a stronger person because of how she treated me. In fact, in a weird way, she has taught me how to be a mother. She has taught me what NOT to do. She is also the type of person that is always right. If you don't agree with her, you are wrong. If you go against what she would do in your situation, you are wrong. She is judgemental, overbearing, and a major PITA. She punishes me for mistakes she made when she was younger. She is always willing to help out (with money, advice, babysitting, whatever), but then she holds it over your head. She complains about being used. A couple of years ago we had a big fight and she decided to move cross country because I didn't appreciate her. She moved in with my brother and his family and refused to talk to me. I refused to talk to her. She left me a horrible note, pretty much calling me a bad daughter and a bad mother. I was heartbroken and planned on never seeing her again. Then she had a falling out with my brother and came back. Things are still quite strained but we do talk. And like I said earlier, it is only for the benefit of my kids. But if she ever treats them the way she has treated me, or makes them feel as horrible as I have felt, she will never see any of us again.

I pretty much live my life the way I see fit, and I suggest you do the same. You can keep jumping through hoops trying to please her, but you will never be happy. Trust me, I have tried. I decided I am in charge of my own happiness, and she is in charge of hers. I can't control how she feels, what she thinks. If she wants to be a miserable bitch, fine by me, but she is NOT allowed to blame me or to drag me down too. Decide what is best for you in your relationship, and do it. Tell her when the time is right for you. She will either be happy for you or she won't. But don't let it affect your relationship with your man. You are allowed to be happy. You deserve it.

Alpha Echo · Oct 27, 2009

Satori1977 said:
I understand where you are coming from. I have a strained relationship with my mother, and that is at its best. If it weren't for my kids (whom she adores and they love her) I don't think I would have any type of relationship with her. But she is good with them, and I don't want to be the person to take grandma away from my kids. My daughter especially would never forgive me. And don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She birthed me, she helped raise me, and I am a stronger person because of how she treated me. In fact, in a weird way, she has taught me how to be a mother. She has taught me what NOT to do. She is also the type of person that is always right. If you don't agree with her, you are wrong. If you go against what she would do in your situation, you are wrong. She is judgemental, overbearing, and a major PITA. She punishes me for mistakes she made when she was younger. She is always willing to help out (with money, advice, babysitting, whatever), but then she holds it over your head. She complains about being used. A couple of years ago we had a big fight and she decided to move cross country because I didn't appreciate her. She moved in with my brother and his family and refused to talk to me. I refused to talk to her. She left me a horrible note, pretty much calling me a bad daughter and a bad mother. I was heartbroken and planned on never seeing her again. Then she had a falling out with my brother and came back. Things are still quite strained but we do talk. And like I said earlier, it is only for the benefit of my kids. But if she ever treats them the way she has treated me, or makes them feel as horrible as I have felt, she will never see any of us again.

I pretty much live my life the way I see fit, and I suggest you do the same. You can keep jumping through hoops trying to please her, but you will never be happy. Trust me, I have tried. I decided I am in charge of my own happiness, and she is in charge of hers. I can't control how she feels, what she thinks. If she wants to be a miserable bitch, fine by me, but she is NOT allowed to blame me or to drag me down too. Decide what is best for you in your relationship, and do it. Tell her when the time is right for you. She will either be happy for you or she won't. But don't let it affect your relationship with your man. You are allowed to be happy. You deserve it.

Wow, she sounds so much like my mother, it's scary. I'm so sorry you have been through all that and hurt so much. It's so unfair.

Thank you. And it hasn't affected my relationship with my man.

And it won't. Though like I said, it's starting to upset him now, and I'm very close to not going to visit at all.

I'm drafting an email right now. We'll see how it goes, how she reacts, and we'll go from there.

Alpha Echo · Oct 28, 2009

Well, I emailed her. We'll see how she responds. Sometimes, I hate being a writer. The idea of calling her is way too terrifying. I much prefer the written word. I wonder if all writers are that way, but judging from the variety of writers we have here, that's not the case. lol

I hope I don't end up like my own mother

aadams73

A Work in Progress

Roger J Carlson

Moderator In Name Only

Alpha Echo

I should be writing.

James81

Great Scott Member

Alpha Echo

I should be writing.

Roger J Carlson

Moderator In Name Only

Alpha Echo

I should be writing.

Roger J Carlson

Moderator In Name Only

Satori1977

Listening to the Voices In My Head

Alpha Echo

I should be writing.

Alpha Echo

I should be writing.