How We Met

I met Nymtoc while he was standing by the side of the road, pretending to be digging trenches with the rest of the construction crew.

I met pd - Oh, boy! Did I meet pd.

I mean, she's someone you just got to meet. And I met her, I met her like you wouldn't believe. She came over and I - well, you know what I'm like - I met her. You know what I mean? Guy like me? I met her. Yeah, that's right. You know what those italics mean.

I met her.

Someone told me later that checking a chicks coat at a nightclub ain't quite the same as meeting someone. But I don't believe in all that jazz.

I met pd.

If you don't believe me how else you explain how I know what size coat she wear?

I met HarryHoskins in Vienna right after the war. He was standing in a shadowy doorway kicking a cat when I first saw him, and after a while I learned that he was involved in some kind of illegal trafficking of something-or-other and had faked his own death in order to accomplish some criminal scheme I didn't begin to understand, involving a second man, or maybe it was a third man. We took a ride on a Ferris wheel, and for a minute I thought he was going to push me out, but he didn't. We got off the wheel and went to a Brauhaus and had a couple of dozen beers, and that's the last I saw of him.

I met Nymtoc during his stint as a nude model for aspiring artists. The room was silent but for the sound of pencils scraping, long and hard, against smooth sheets of paper.

I met Kellysaid at a meeting of the young Republicans.

Sure, I know what you're thinking - coupla loves like us at such a shindig, well-i-never and so on and so forth - but it wasn't like that, we neither of us had an IQ low enough to join, but, hell, the comedy club was closed that night and we hadda get our laughs somehow.

Anyway, she was the only ninja in the place and I knew I'd dig her straight away. I was proved correct when she sidled up to three pre-pubescent G.O.P dullards and gave them the far east treatment.

It went down like this.

Spotty rich kid number one was wearing his daddy's lone star state badge. You know, just for fun. I'm the sheriff kinda crap. Kelly smoothed that star off his pidgeon chest with a smile and shurikened the kid into the great country club in the sky.

The other two - let's call 'em no-chin number two, and If-my-two-older-brothers-have-an-accident-I'll-be-Ok number three - did the jaw drop dance and the brown trouser shuffle.

But, the woman Kelly was too cool. She moved into a roundhouse kick - man, the dame had legs that went all the way down to the ground - the kids didn't stand a chance. The soft black slipper got 'em. Teeth one way and sense of entitlement the other.

Goddamn, I swear I saw number three liking it - if he hadn't have been so knocked out I just know he would've given the ninja a tip. You know how them rich ones are. So powerful the only way they can get off is as an ashtray.

So, anyways. By this time there a general panic. You ever seen a room full of the privileged panic? No? Well, it sure is something. Most normal people would scream, run for the exits, that kinda shit - not this crowd though, they put their hands up alright, but the thing was they held up money - like that was gonna save them them from the rightful wrath of the coolest goddamn ninja in the land of the free.

What came next is a bit of a blur. For sure there was some righteous Crouching Tiger kinda shit. The woman in black danced about the place, dealing some elegant violence to them that deserved it and, in no more than a minute, only the good guys remained.

You could tell the good guys by the fact they looked like waiters.

I went around picking up the wallets and giggling. The ninja said some stuff - I won't repeat it here - and then we skipped out with the staff and partied at Bobbies Lounge for three days before the coppers came.

We were led to the black Mariah in cuffs. I liked the closeness. It felt good.

When we got to the 13th precinct, somehow, she was gone.

Goddamn. Ninja shit. I got to learn me some of that.

So, that's how it happened and that's how I met Kellysaid. Any of you guys ever see her, tell her to look me up.

Best. Night. Ever.

I met HarryHoskins soon after he was forced to move his Temple of the Celestial Bazoom from West to East Sussex, after a slight misunderstanding with the police. "I'm gaining followers by the dozens each week," he told me. "With my radio programs and various blogs and the YouTubes of my sermons, not to mention my videos on adult websites, I'm doing extremely well. All you have to do is make a small initial contribution--a hundred pounds is typical--after which you can attend our worship services any time you want. Why not come next Saturday night? Bring your girlfriend."

i first met nymmie on a walkabout in the outback. we were camped somewhere near mungo lake and he took a fancy to mungo woman. they mated up and waltzed off into the sunset. haven't heard from him since--s6

Early one beautiful spring morning, SS came running out into her backyard, which adjoins my own, joyously stripping and throwing her clothes off as she ran carefree to greet the day... and over the fence sailed her tennies which landed in my finely tended flower garden. I left them there and she waited till midnight to sneak in a retrieve them.

I met iLion at the circus. He was living in a palatial cage that, if it weren't for the bars, might have been mistaken for the Playboy Mansion. Every luxury had been provided, and the late-night parties were legendary.

I said, "But don't you mind living in a cage?"

He laughed. "The cage, the bars, the drama--it's just show biz. People come to the circus to hear me roar and watch me pretend to obey the commands of the lion tamer. He's a great guy. I know his wife and kids, and during the off-season, our families vacation together in the Bahamas."

I ran into Nymtoc as he was rummaging through the racks of a costume shop in mid-town New York.

He had this desperate look on his face when I asked, "What are you searching for so frantically, Dude?"

He replied, "'I'm looking for a life-like lion outfit. Dang, those guys have it made!"

I met Lavern at a contest for Godfather impersonations. She did a fantastic Brando gig. I left my dead horse's head on the seat next to me and waited for her at the café down the street.

I left when they closed the place that evening, and Lavern never showed up. I don't know why.

I met SaraP on the Great Wall of China. She was selling egg rolls.

I met Nymtoc at the giant water slide in Jamberoo. He had a carton of eggs. He was sending them down the chute, one by one, and watching them roll and splash into the pool below.

He furrowed his brow, turned to me, and said, "I just don't get it. They don't come out anything like the ones at Golden Palace."

I met poet at a chinese restaurant. I could hear him talking to the waiter, who looked deeply ashamed, his head hung low, hands in pockets, weight shifting between his feet.

"I don't care if it happens sometimes, I've told you," said poet. He looked quite angry, though there was no shouting. I got closer, trying to understand what was going on.

There was a fortune cookie cracked open on the table in front of poet, but I saw no paper. I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said, "are you upset because there is no fortune in your fortune cookie?"

He turned to me, fast, and frowned. "Yes. Inadmissible."

"Wow, aren't you the lucky one," I said.

His frown deepened. "And why do you say that?"

"The bright horizon in front of you everywhere you turn? No crossroads, no hidden paths? God... what I wouldn't give..."

His jaw fell open. I've managed to get that look of his on camera a few times since then, but I'm telling you, it's hard catching a man like poet by surprise.

I met SaraP at the FBO at MMK, right after it changed hands. I went in and hit the men's room, and stopped at the counter to tell her I needed a top-off. She replied, "Would you like me to pump it for you?" I couldn't help chuckling, and she blushed when she realized what she'd just said.

I met MIdlifeMark at the beginning of his fall from grace, and rise of his stature as a human being. He was wallowing in drink at a strip club in Vegas. I wandered in and was jostled against him when a rowdy bachelor party was leaving the club. I saw the fevered look in his eye and said, as flippantly as possible, 'So, you come here often?'. I've never seen a man cry that much before, or since.

I met druid12000 at Stonehenge. He was wearing a white robe and going through some sort of elaborate ceremony and mumbling words I didn't understand.

"Pardon me," I said, "but what are you doing?"

He smiled beatifically. "My ancestors, the Druids, built this structure eons ago, and I come here three times a day to honor their sacred practices and beliefs."

"The Druids didn't build Stonehenge," I said. "That's a lot of wackadoodle."

His smile faded, and I had a feeling he was going to get unpleasant. I left.

I met Nymtoc as he was leaving Stonehenge. He asked me if I knew where he could "score some snacks."

Yep, you guessed it - He was stoned.

I met Lavern at a IKEA store where she was making a fuss, demanding to know where the cash registers were on sale.

I met SaraP at the MGM Grand, in Las Vegas. She was dealing blackjack, and I tried using my foolproof system, but she was too clever for me, and the next thing I knew she pushed a button and a couple of guards came over and put me in handcuffs.

Still, she had the nicest smile.

I met Nymtoc at a Hopscotch Contest in Albuquerque. He hoped to it.

I met Sara at a book fair last year. She was really loading up on books.

I met pd at a nail parlor on the outskirts of New York. We wanted the same shade of glittery burgundy. After much arguing, we decided she could keep the burgundy and I could keep the glittery.

I met SaraP at a jam-packed restaurant in Boston. Seems we both arrived at the same last table at the same moment. We looked at each other fiercely, our knifey gaze locked and frozen... then sprang into pushing and shoving each other to gain full control of the table... she grabbed my tie and twisted it fast and hard choking me and making my eyes turn red and bulge out half blind, while I grabbed her hair and yanked backwards cutting off her air and nearly breaking her neck... It was terrifying and brutal, but neither of us 'won' that day. The maitre'd and two others threw us roughly to the curb and warned us never to return. We agreed that Boston sucks, and parted friends.

I met iLion in Times Square. He was wearing a t-shirt that read: Boston Sucks!