All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.
Wow, good catch.
That actually does make a lot of sense.
Now how do I want to change this...
Technically this is the first three lines of the book I'm editing
I think I might bump the third sentence up to the second sentence.
from
The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.
to
The heavy rain slides off my chin. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony.
So you didn't write that? Someone else did?
I'd suggest a little less tell and a little more show--and it's a bit wordy. Honestly, I don't feel compelled to read more, but I assume this is your first draft and a little rewriting can work wonders.It's not much, but here are my first three. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say.
In the darkness of the night a meeting took place. Three people crowded around a table with just a single flickering candle to provide enough glow to chase away most of the shadows that sought to hide their faces. The lone woman in the group sent away the servants that were still cleaning up around the room.
I have to say that if you're editing it, and I'd guess that involves some rewriting, it's still a Work In Progress.No, it's all mine. It's not a WIP; it's a book I finished I am editing.
The rain is not important enough to be starting with. The sentence about the blood should be the first one. Put the rain later, third or fourth or fifth sentence.
I would also suggest not using "as" in that third sentence because it's awkward.
"Nathan's wound" is vague.
I've taken some liberties here, not to rewrite it for you, but to show you where you can be more specific, and also to show how you might work in the line about the rain.
I've never seen so much blood in my life. I strip off my t-shirt and press it against the gaping hole in Nathan's side. He screams. Heavy rain is sliding down my face and off my chin, mixed with blood and tears.
It's not much, but here are my first three. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say.
In the darkness of the night a meeting took place. Three people crowded around a table with just a single flickering candle to provide enough glow to chase away most of the shadows that sought to hide their faces. The lone woman in the group sent away the servants that were still cleaning up around the room.
Why the tiny font? Very hard to read.The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.
Thanks for the input and kind words, Neporsche!
The rain does play a part in the scene. I did try and integrate it into another sentence, but it ended up sounding way too cluttered.
Here are the first two:
Lila, Sylvia, and Marian huddled under a willow tree deep in the forest near Oil’s shack, using an old pink shower curtain as a shelter from the rain. They carefully carved their first names in the tree’s roots, and pricked their pinky fingers to stain those names with blood.
Here are the first two:
Lila, Sylvia, and Marian huddled under a willow tree deep in the forest near Oil’s shack, using an old pink shower curtain as a shelter from the rain. They carefully carved their first names in the tree’s roots, and pricked their pinky fingers to stain those names with blood.
This was all a dead drug addict’s fault. If Sam Journeycake, my half-brother, were alive, I would’ve never come into possession of his scratched up, heavy-as-hell Celtic ring. Why I decided to wear the ring that was part of his personal effects, I don’t know.
Three lines!
He stands behind me, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my bare back. The aroma of the morning's aftershave still lingers on his face, far too strong for me.
I clear my throat.
This was all a dead drug addict’s fault. If Sam Journeycake, my half-brother, were alive, I would’ve never come into possession of his scratched up, heavy-as-hell Celtic ring. Why I decided to wear the ring that was part of his personal effects, I don’t know.
Everywhere, the faces, featureless in the midday light. Moving among them through the brittle calm, he could sense them tracking him with their subconscious minds, the disquiet they felt in his presence without knowing why.
Tim Grayson hurried along, wary not to make a startling move, gaze turned away from the sun stabbing down from atop the high rises.
Everywhere, the faces, featureless in the midday light. Moving among them through the brittle calm, he could sense them tracking him with their subconscious minds, the disquiet they felt in his presence without knowing why.
Tim Grayson hurried along, wary not to make a startling move, gaze turned away from the sun stabbing down from atop the high rises.