Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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P-Jay

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Wow, good catch.

That actually does make a lot of sense.

Now how do I want to change this...
 

Sister Ray

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All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.

This is a good start if you want to get someone to read more. I like how simply it sums up the conflict. I think the last sentence would read better as "But he got greedy and decided half a million dollars made the risk worth it." "The guy" is also clunky; even "he" as a replacement makes the transition smoother.
 

Buffysquirrel

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I think it depends. If it's third limited and 'the guy' is the narrator, then yeah, 'he' works better than 'the guy'. If it's someone else telling the story, then 'the guy' could be voice.
 

TMCan

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It's not much, but here are my first three. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say.

In the darkness of the night a meeting took place. Three people crowded around a table with just a single flickering candle to provide enough glow to chase away most of the shadows that sought to hide their faces. The lone woman in the group sent away the servants that were still cleaning up around the room.
 

BethS

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I think I might bump the third sentence up to the second sentence.

from

The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.

to

The heavy rain slides off my chin. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony.

The rain is not important enough to be starting with. The sentence about the blood should be the first one. Put the rain later, third or fourth or fifth sentence.

I would also suggest not using "as" in that third sentence because it's awkward.

"Nathan's wound" is vague.

I've taken some liberties here, not to rewrite it for you, but to show you where you can be more specific, and also to show how you might work in the line about the rain.

I've never seen so much blood in my life. I strip off my t-shirt and press it against the gaping hole in Nathan's side. He screams. Heavy rain is sliding down my face and off my chin, mixed with blood and tears.
 

Russ Mars

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It's not much, but here are my first three. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say.

In the darkness of the night a meeting took place. Three people crowded around a table with just a single flickering candle to provide enough glow to chase away most of the shadows that sought to hide their faces. The lone woman in the group sent away the servants that were still cleaning up around the room.
I'd suggest a little less tell and a little more show--and it's a bit wordy. Honestly, I don't feel compelled to read more, but I assume this is your first draft and a little rewriting can work wonders.

Keep pluggin'.
 

Russ Mars

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No, it's all mine. It's not a WIP; it's a book I finished I am editing.
I have to say that if you're editing it, and I'd guess that involves some rewriting, it's still a Work In Progress. :D
 

P-Jay

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The rain is not important enough to be starting with. The sentence about the blood should be the first one. Put the rain later, third or fourth or fifth sentence.

I would also suggest not using "as" in that third sentence because it's awkward.

"Nathan's wound" is vague.

I've taken some liberties here, not to rewrite it for you, but to show you where you can be more specific, and also to show how you might work in the line about the rain.

I've never seen so much blood in my life. I strip off my t-shirt and press it against the gaping hole in Nathan's side. He screams. Heavy rain is sliding down my face and off my chin, mixed with blood and tears.

Thanks for your input!

I'm not particularly fond of the concise "He screams" sentence so early in the paragraph, but I do understand what you're trying to convey regarding the specificity.
 

Dorky

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It's not much, but here are my first three. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say.

In the darkness of the night a meeting took place. Three people crowded around a table with just a single flickering candle to provide enough glow to chase away most of the shadows that sought to hide their faces. The lone woman in the group sent away the servants that were still cleaning up around the room.

This is really wordy, and the second sentence is the worst of the bunch. Look at how many words you used to say, “Three people sat at a table around a flickering candle.”

You’re telling here, rather than showing anything, and it is not working for this opening. Additionally, nothing of note happens aside from the servants leaving the room.

This is basically your opening right now:
“There was a nighttime meeting. Three people sat at a table around a flickering candle. The candle illuminated their faces. The only woman in the group dismissed the servants even though they were still cleaning.”

Honestly, I would not read past this part. Don’t stop working on it though :) This mysterious meeting can be much more compelling as an opening if you fix it up :)
 

butterfly

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Here are the first two:

Lila, Sylvia, and Marian huddled under a willow tree deep in the forest near Oil’s shack, using an old pink shower curtain as a shelter from the rain. They carefully carved their first names in the tree’s roots, and pricked their pinky fingers to stain those names with blood.
 

WriteMinded

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The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.

Why the tiny font? Very hard to read.


Thanks for the input and kind words, Neporsche!

The rain does play a part in the scene. I did try and integrate it into another sentence, but it ended up sounding way too cluttered.

Methinks the rain is out of place. It may be important but is it the most important thing going on? How about switching the sentences around:

I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. The heavy rain slides off my chin.

OR

I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. The heavy rain slides off my chin.
 

WyattEarp

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Here are the first two:

Lila, Sylvia, and Marian huddled under a willow tree deep in the forest near Oil’s shack, using an old pink shower curtain as a shelter from the rain. They carefully carved their first names in the tree’s roots, and pricked their pinky fingers to stain those names with blood.


I think you need some more description, descriptive words. "A tired willow tree", or instead of "old" pink shower curtain, tell me how its old, "tattered" "moldy"...or the rain...what kind of rain?
 

Bing Z

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Here are the first two:

Lila, Sylvia, and Marian huddled under a willow tree deep in the forest near Oil’s shack, using an old pink shower curtain as a shelter from the rain. They carefully carved their first names in the tree’s roots, and pricked their pinky fingers to stain those names with blood.

Like this a lot.

Nitpick: Consider removing "carefully" in 2nd sentence. (While it adds beauty to the line it introduces questions you may not want to deal with ATM... how carefully, what do they carve with, etc. But of course it depends on what's coming next.)
 

ccarver30

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I totally redid mine. I hope some people that saw it before see this now and can say if this is better or not. Thanks! :)
This was all a dead drug addict’s fault. If Sam Journeycake, my half-brother, were alive, I would’ve never come into possession of his scratched up, heavy-as-hell Celtic ring. Why I decided to wear the ring that was part of his personal effects, I don’t know.
 

Chris_M

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Three lines!


He stands behind me, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my bare back. The aroma of the morning's aftershave still lingers on his face, far too strong for me.

I clear my throat.

I agree with Wyatt that it should be "The aroma of his morning aftershave still lingers. Far to strong for me." but I really liked this first three.
 

Chris_M

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This was all a dead drug addict’s fault. If Sam Journeycake, my half-brother, were alive, I would’ve never come into possession of his scratched up, heavy-as-hell Celtic ring. Why I decided to wear the ring that was part of his personal effects, I don’t know.

I would cut down on some of the adjectives, cut either "scratched up" (and make it "scratched-up") or "heavy-as-hell." I would cut "heavy-as-hell" and make it just "scratched," sans the "-up."
 

Chris_M

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Here's my first three. They've changed quite a bit over the year I've been revising my MS.

Everywhere, the faces, featureless in the midday light. Moving among them through the brittle calm, he could sense them tracking him with their subconscious minds, the disquiet they felt in his presence without knowing why.

Tim Grayson hurried along, wary not to make a startling move, gaze turned away from the sun stabbing down from atop the high rises.
 

TMCan

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Thanks. I have a bit of a bad habit of telling and not showing. Yes this is a first raft and the action starts in the next paragraph. I was trying to set the scene, but I guess it doesn't come off well.
 

Bing Z

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Everywhere, the faces, featureless in the midday light. Moving among them through the brittle calm, he could sense them tracking him with their subconscious minds, the disquiet they felt in his presence without knowing why.

Tim Grayson hurried along, wary not to make a startling move, gaze turned away from the sun stabbing down from atop the high rises.

Short version of my humble opinion:
Everywhere, the faces, featureless in the midday light. Moving among them through the brittle calm, he could sense them tracking him with their subconscious minds, the disquiet they felt in his presence without knowing why.

Midday. Tim Grayson hurried along the featureless faces, wary not to make a startling move, <whose?> gaze turned away from the sun stabbing down from atop the high rises.
Long version (as a reader, my questions when I first read it):
Everywhere, the faces, featureless in the midday light <featureless faces means nothing without context>. Moving <who is moving?> among them <who are them. ETA: I didn't connect to featureless faces first time I read this.> through the brittle calm, he could sense <could sense != sense> them tracking <how can he sense them track?> him with their subconscious minds <again how does he know their subconscious minds?>, the disquiet they felt <once again how does he know how they felt> in his presence without knowing <who knowing?> why. <The reason I ignored the 2nd line in the short version is cuz it raises too many Qs and not explaining much. If Tim can sense the insensible and see the invisible, I think you need to be specific.>

Tim Grayson hurried along, wary not to make a startling move, <whose> gaze turned away from the sun stabbing down from atop the high rises.
Hope this helps.
 

Chris_M

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Thanks for your constructive feedback, Bing.
 
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