Anatomy of a Horror Scene
Oddly enough, I've done something like this before.
This is from my horror novel AFRAID, written under my pen name, Jack Kilborn.
I've annotated an early scene from the book with numbers that lead to footnotes at the bottom of the page. After reading the excerpt, you can check out the associated notes to learn why I did what I did, sort of like a DVD commentary.
The set-up is simple; a boy alone in his house at night...
---------------------
Duncan Stauffer awoke to the sound of Woof barking. Woof was supposed to be a beagle, but Duncan had a lot of dog books and decided that Woof looked more like a basset hound. Woof was pudgy, with stubby legs and floppy ears and sad red eyes. It was funny because even though his eyes were sad, Woof played all the time. All the time. Duncan wondered how he could be so fat, since he ran around all day. (1)
Woof barked again, and Duncan sat up. The dog normally slept on Duncans bed, sprawled out on his back with his legs in the air. He only left to get a drink of water, let himself out through the doggy door to poop (Mom called it doing his dirty business), or greet Mom when she came home from the diner.
Duncan looked over at his SpongeBob digital clock next to the bed, but it wasn't on for some reason. Instead he checked his Dads watch, which he wore all the time since Mom had the links removed so it could fit.
The watch told him it was twelve forty-three.
Woof barked once more, a deep, loud bark that sounded exactly like his name, which was the reason Duncan named him Woof. But this wasn't the welcome home bark that Woof used when Mom came home. This was Woofs warning bark, the one he used for his fiercest enemies, like the squirrel who had a nest in the maple tree out front, or the Johnson's gray cat, who liked to hiss at Woof and scare him. (2)
"Woof! Come here, boy!"
Duncan waited. Normally, Woof came running when Duncan called, jumping on him and bathing his face with a tongue that was longer than Duncan's foot.
But Woof didn't come.
"Mom! Duncan called. You home?"
No one answered. (3)
Duncan didn't mind being by himself while Mom worked late. He was ten years old, which was practically an adult. His mom used to insist that he have a babysitter, and the one she usually got was Mrs. Teller, who was all bent over because she was so old and sometimes she smelled like pee. Duncan liked her okay, but she made him go to bed early, and wouldn't let him watch his favorite shows on TV like South Park because they said bad words, and she always wanted to talk about her husband who died years ago.
Duncan didn't like to talk about death.
After a long session with Dr. Walker, the therapist convinced Mom that Duncan was mature enough to stay home alone, if that's what Duncan wanted. Which he did. Duncan knew what to do in the case of any emergency. He'd taken the Stranger Danger class in school. He had three planned escape routes if there was a fire. He knew not to let anyone in the house, and how to call 911, and to never cook on the stove or use the fireplace or take a bath while home alone. He thought Mom was being a little crazy about the bath thing, like Duncan would fall asleep in the tub and drown. But he listened to Mom anyway, and she trusted him, and for the three months he'd been without a babysitter it had worked out fine. Duncan hadn't gotten scared once.
Until now. (4)
"Woof!" Duncan yelled again.
Woof didn't come.
It was possible his dog had gone outside, to do his dirty business. Or maybe he saw the Johnson's cat and went to chase him, even though the cat scared Woof a lot.
Or maybe something got him.
Duncan would never admit it to anyone, not even his best friend Jerry Halprin, but he sometimes believed monsters were real. He wasn't scared of monsters, exactly. He loved watching monster movies, and reading R.L. Stine books with monsters in them, but deep down he thought maybe monsters really did exist.
He didn't tell this to Dr. Walker, but when they had the car accident, and Mom thought Duncan was unconscious in the back seat, he wasn't really unconscious. He saw what happened to Dad, how bloody he was. For weeks afterwards, Duncan had horrible nightmares about monsters, biting and clawing and ripping up him and Mom, making them bleed and die. Since he got Woof, most of the nightmares had gone away.
But sitting in his bed, holding his breath and waiting for his dog to come, Duncan wondered if maybe a monster got Woof. (5)
Then he heard it; the jingle of metal tags from Woof's dog collar, just down the hallway.
"Woof!" he yelled, happily. He tucked his legs under his butt so when Woof hopped on the bed he wouldn't step on them, and waited in the dark for his dog to come.
But Woof didn't come.
Duncan listened hard, then called Woof's name again. He heard jingling, in the hall.
"Come on, Woof," Duncan urged.
The jingling got a little closer, then stopped. What was wrong with that dog? (6)
"Speak, Woof!"
Woof, who didn't really need to be told to speak because he spoke all the time, still loved to follow that command because he usually got a treat afterward. But Woof stayed quiet. Duncan wondered if he was maybe hurt, which is why he stopped barking. (7)
Duncan reached over to the light switch on the wall behind him. He flipped it up. It didn't do anything. He tried flicking it up and down a few times, but his bedroom light didn't come on. The electricity must be out, Duncan thought. Or maybe a monster stole the light bulb. (8)
"Woof!" Duncan said it hard, the way Mom did when Woof did his dirty business on the kitchen floor.
Woof's collar jingled, and Duncan heard him pant. But the dog stayed in the hallway. Did Woof want him to come there for some reason? Or was he afraid of something in the bedroom?
Duncan peeled back the covers and climbed out of bed. The house was warm but he shivered anyway. Mom made him wear pajamas when she was home, but on the nights she worked Duncan liked to sleep in his underwear. He wished he had his pajamas on now. Being almost naked made him feel small and alone. (9)
The room was too dark to see, and Duncan walked by memory, heading for the doorway to the hall, hands out in front of him like a zombie to stop him from bumping into walls. After some groping he found the door and stopped before walking through.
Woof's collar jingled, only a few feet in front of him. The panting got louder.
"Whats the matter, boy?"
Duncan knelt down and held out his hands, waiting for the dog to approach. When Woof didn't, Duncan felt goosebumps break out all over. He knew something was wrong, really wrong. Maybe Mom was right about leaving him home all alone. Maybe something bad happened to Woof, and Duncan wouldn't be able to help him because he was just a kid. (10)
Duncan stood up and reached for the hall light switch, but it didn't go on. So he pressed the button on his Dads watch and the blue bezel light came on, which was bright enough for him to see the man standing in the hallway, jingling Woofs collar and panting. (11)
------------------
(1) This is our introduction to Duncan and his point of view. It begins with Duncan jarred from his sleep by his dog, Woof, who is key to the scene. Prior to this scene, the reader knows it is night time, and his mother isn't home.
(2) While thinking in Duncan's voice, I'm establishing some things in rapid succession. Duncan's mom should be home, Woof normally doesn't bark, and Duncan doesn't have a father.
(3) The reader, aware of what is happening elsewhere in the book, knows Duncan is probably in trouble, but doesn't know what form the trouble is going to take.
(4) Backstory on Duncan, establishing he's a smart, responsible kid who had some sort of tragedy in his past. It also introduces Mrs. Teller, who comes into the book later. Duncan isn't scared yet, because he doesn't know what the reader knows.
(5) Now the reader knows the tragedy, and Duncan is starting to get scared.
(6) The jingling collar is a device that's familiar to Duncan, and puts him at easy. But the jingling soon becomes sinister, because Woof isn't coming.
(7) Woof isn't acting the way he should, and now Duncan expresses concern for his dog, rather than himself. Selflessness is a trait of heroes. But at the same time, the reader doesn't want Duncan to go look for his dog, knowing it isn't going to end well.
(8) More problems with common, everyday things people take for granted. Woof normally comes when he calls. Lights usually turn on. But things aren't normal, and Duncan is now becoming frightened.
(9) The hero has been called to action, and the reader hopefully wishes he would just get the hell out of there. More on the jingling motif, now with panting as well.
(10) Duncan's fear reaches its peak, his anxieties replace his confidence, and he recognizes his true limitations, even though earlier he believed he could handle anything.
(11) Here's the shocker. It isn't his dog panting and jingling his collar. It's a strange man in his house.
-----------
Fear, like humor, is subjective, so this scene may not have scared you. But it was deliberately written to do so.
Duncan already has reader sympathy because we've met his mother, who is also in trouble. He's a child, he has a dog, and he seems like a good kid--all done on purpose to make him likable. So we don't want to see anything bad happen to him.
The cadence of Duncan's interior monologue is specifically patterned after my son's, to make him sound like a child.
I begin the scene with him being woken up. Waking up is never pleasant. Being jarred awake by something out of the ordinary, with Mom not home, is starting in the middle of the action.
I used mundane things going wrong--both the sound cues of the dog collar and the clock and lights being out--to increase both Duncan's and the reader's anxiety. Both want to know where Woof is, why he was barking and now isn't, why he won't respond. Presenting this conflict without revealing the answer right away makes the reader wonder what is going on, and keep reading to find out.
The backstory, which touches on the tragedy Duncan faced and his fight to grow past it, make the stakes even higher for the poor kid.
Then, when he finally goes to investigate, BAM! The reveal. And this reveal is the worst possible outcome for Duncan, having his dog gone and a weirdo toying with him.
Having someone break into your house to hurt or kill you is bad. Having someone tease you first is really bad.
It's even worse for the reader, because the previous scenes have featured a lot of death and mayhem. Even this early in the story (page 48) I've already killed off a sympathetic character, so all bets are off when it comes to my characters' safety.
At the end of the scene, I skip to another POV. AFRAID doesn't have chapters; it quickly bounces from one character in jeopardy to the next. The reason behind this is to not give the reader any chance to put the book down. Each scene ends on a cliffhanger, the stakes getting higher and higher.
Obviously, I can't accurately judge my own work, because I'm biased. I'll leave it up to the readers to decide if AFRAID is scary or not. If you'd like to hear what other people are saying, or read a much longer excerpt for free, please visit my website at www.JackKilborn.com.
Pleasant dreams...
Oddly enough, I've done something like this before.
This is from my horror novel AFRAID, written under my pen name, Jack Kilborn.
I've annotated an early scene from the book with numbers that lead to footnotes at the bottom of the page. After reading the excerpt, you can check out the associated notes to learn why I did what I did, sort of like a DVD commentary.
The set-up is simple; a boy alone in his house at night...
---------------------
Duncan Stauffer awoke to the sound of Woof barking. Woof was supposed to be a beagle, but Duncan had a lot of dog books and decided that Woof looked more like a basset hound. Woof was pudgy, with stubby legs and floppy ears and sad red eyes. It was funny because even though his eyes were sad, Woof played all the time. All the time. Duncan wondered how he could be so fat, since he ran around all day. (1)
Woof barked again, and Duncan sat up. The dog normally slept on Duncans bed, sprawled out on his back with his legs in the air. He only left to get a drink of water, let himself out through the doggy door to poop (Mom called it doing his dirty business), or greet Mom when she came home from the diner.
Duncan looked over at his SpongeBob digital clock next to the bed, but it wasn't on for some reason. Instead he checked his Dads watch, which he wore all the time since Mom had the links removed so it could fit.
The watch told him it was twelve forty-three.
Woof barked once more, a deep, loud bark that sounded exactly like his name, which was the reason Duncan named him Woof. But this wasn't the welcome home bark that Woof used when Mom came home. This was Woofs warning bark, the one he used for his fiercest enemies, like the squirrel who had a nest in the maple tree out front, or the Johnson's gray cat, who liked to hiss at Woof and scare him. (2)
"Woof! Come here, boy!"
Duncan waited. Normally, Woof came running when Duncan called, jumping on him and bathing his face with a tongue that was longer than Duncan's foot.
But Woof didn't come.
"Mom! Duncan called. You home?"
No one answered. (3)
Duncan didn't mind being by himself while Mom worked late. He was ten years old, which was practically an adult. His mom used to insist that he have a babysitter, and the one she usually got was Mrs. Teller, who was all bent over because she was so old and sometimes she smelled like pee. Duncan liked her okay, but she made him go to bed early, and wouldn't let him watch his favorite shows on TV like South Park because they said bad words, and she always wanted to talk about her husband who died years ago.
Duncan didn't like to talk about death.
After a long session with Dr. Walker, the therapist convinced Mom that Duncan was mature enough to stay home alone, if that's what Duncan wanted. Which he did. Duncan knew what to do in the case of any emergency. He'd taken the Stranger Danger class in school. He had three planned escape routes if there was a fire. He knew not to let anyone in the house, and how to call 911, and to never cook on the stove or use the fireplace or take a bath while home alone. He thought Mom was being a little crazy about the bath thing, like Duncan would fall asleep in the tub and drown. But he listened to Mom anyway, and she trusted him, and for the three months he'd been without a babysitter it had worked out fine. Duncan hadn't gotten scared once.
Until now. (4)
"Woof!" Duncan yelled again.
Woof didn't come.
It was possible his dog had gone outside, to do his dirty business. Or maybe he saw the Johnson's cat and went to chase him, even though the cat scared Woof a lot.
Or maybe something got him.
Duncan would never admit it to anyone, not even his best friend Jerry Halprin, but he sometimes believed monsters were real. He wasn't scared of monsters, exactly. He loved watching monster movies, and reading R.L. Stine books with monsters in them, but deep down he thought maybe monsters really did exist.
He didn't tell this to Dr. Walker, but when they had the car accident, and Mom thought Duncan was unconscious in the back seat, he wasn't really unconscious. He saw what happened to Dad, how bloody he was. For weeks afterwards, Duncan had horrible nightmares about monsters, biting and clawing and ripping up him and Mom, making them bleed and die. Since he got Woof, most of the nightmares had gone away.
But sitting in his bed, holding his breath and waiting for his dog to come, Duncan wondered if maybe a monster got Woof. (5)
Then he heard it; the jingle of metal tags from Woof's dog collar, just down the hallway.
"Woof!" he yelled, happily. He tucked his legs under his butt so when Woof hopped on the bed he wouldn't step on them, and waited in the dark for his dog to come.
But Woof didn't come.
Duncan listened hard, then called Woof's name again. He heard jingling, in the hall.
"Come on, Woof," Duncan urged.
The jingling got a little closer, then stopped. What was wrong with that dog? (6)
"Speak, Woof!"
Woof, who didn't really need to be told to speak because he spoke all the time, still loved to follow that command because he usually got a treat afterward. But Woof stayed quiet. Duncan wondered if he was maybe hurt, which is why he stopped barking. (7)
Duncan reached over to the light switch on the wall behind him. He flipped it up. It didn't do anything. He tried flicking it up and down a few times, but his bedroom light didn't come on. The electricity must be out, Duncan thought. Or maybe a monster stole the light bulb. (8)
"Woof!" Duncan said it hard, the way Mom did when Woof did his dirty business on the kitchen floor.
Woof's collar jingled, and Duncan heard him pant. But the dog stayed in the hallway. Did Woof want him to come there for some reason? Or was he afraid of something in the bedroom?
Duncan peeled back the covers and climbed out of bed. The house was warm but he shivered anyway. Mom made him wear pajamas when she was home, but on the nights she worked Duncan liked to sleep in his underwear. He wished he had his pajamas on now. Being almost naked made him feel small and alone. (9)
The room was too dark to see, and Duncan walked by memory, heading for the doorway to the hall, hands out in front of him like a zombie to stop him from bumping into walls. After some groping he found the door and stopped before walking through.
Woof's collar jingled, only a few feet in front of him. The panting got louder.
"Whats the matter, boy?"
Duncan knelt down and held out his hands, waiting for the dog to approach. When Woof didn't, Duncan felt goosebumps break out all over. He knew something was wrong, really wrong. Maybe Mom was right about leaving him home all alone. Maybe something bad happened to Woof, and Duncan wouldn't be able to help him because he was just a kid. (10)
Duncan stood up and reached for the hall light switch, but it didn't go on. So he pressed the button on his Dads watch and the blue bezel light came on, which was bright enough for him to see the man standing in the hallway, jingling Woofs collar and panting. (11)
------------------
(1) This is our introduction to Duncan and his point of view. It begins with Duncan jarred from his sleep by his dog, Woof, who is key to the scene. Prior to this scene, the reader knows it is night time, and his mother isn't home.
(2) While thinking in Duncan's voice, I'm establishing some things in rapid succession. Duncan's mom should be home, Woof normally doesn't bark, and Duncan doesn't have a father.
(3) The reader, aware of what is happening elsewhere in the book, knows Duncan is probably in trouble, but doesn't know what form the trouble is going to take.
(4) Backstory on Duncan, establishing he's a smart, responsible kid who had some sort of tragedy in his past. It also introduces Mrs. Teller, who comes into the book later. Duncan isn't scared yet, because he doesn't know what the reader knows.
(5) Now the reader knows the tragedy, and Duncan is starting to get scared.
(6) The jingling collar is a device that's familiar to Duncan, and puts him at easy. But the jingling soon becomes sinister, because Woof isn't coming.
(7) Woof isn't acting the way he should, and now Duncan expresses concern for his dog, rather than himself. Selflessness is a trait of heroes. But at the same time, the reader doesn't want Duncan to go look for his dog, knowing it isn't going to end well.
(8) More problems with common, everyday things people take for granted. Woof normally comes when he calls. Lights usually turn on. But things aren't normal, and Duncan is now becoming frightened.
(9) The hero has been called to action, and the reader hopefully wishes he would just get the hell out of there. More on the jingling motif, now with panting as well.
(10) Duncan's fear reaches its peak, his anxieties replace his confidence, and he recognizes his true limitations, even though earlier he believed he could handle anything.
(11) Here's the shocker. It isn't his dog panting and jingling his collar. It's a strange man in his house.
-----------
Fear, like humor, is subjective, so this scene may not have scared you. But it was deliberately written to do so.
Duncan already has reader sympathy because we've met his mother, who is also in trouble. He's a child, he has a dog, and he seems like a good kid--all done on purpose to make him likable. So we don't want to see anything bad happen to him.
The cadence of Duncan's interior monologue is specifically patterned after my son's, to make him sound like a child.
I begin the scene with him being woken up. Waking up is never pleasant. Being jarred awake by something out of the ordinary, with Mom not home, is starting in the middle of the action.
I used mundane things going wrong--both the sound cues of the dog collar and the clock and lights being out--to increase both Duncan's and the reader's anxiety. Both want to know where Woof is, why he was barking and now isn't, why he won't respond. Presenting this conflict without revealing the answer right away makes the reader wonder what is going on, and keep reading to find out.
The backstory, which touches on the tragedy Duncan faced and his fight to grow past it, make the stakes even higher for the poor kid.
Then, when he finally goes to investigate, BAM! The reveal. And this reveal is the worst possible outcome for Duncan, having his dog gone and a weirdo toying with him.
Having someone break into your house to hurt or kill you is bad. Having someone tease you first is really bad.
It's even worse for the reader, because the previous scenes have featured a lot of death and mayhem. Even this early in the story (page 48) I've already killed off a sympathetic character, so all bets are off when it comes to my characters' safety.
At the end of the scene, I skip to another POV. AFRAID doesn't have chapters; it quickly bounces from one character in jeopardy to the next. The reason behind this is to not give the reader any chance to put the book down. Each scene ends on a cliffhanger, the stakes getting higher and higher.
Obviously, I can't accurately judge my own work, because I'm biased. I'll leave it up to the readers to decide if AFRAID is scary or not. If you'd like to hear what other people are saying, or read a much longer excerpt for free, please visit my website at www.JackKilborn.com.
Pleasant dreams...
