Old People Writing for Teens (Version 2)

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

Deb, that's great

Herb, do you have an updated version?

herbchick · Feb 9, 2010

Ugh:

Seventeen-year-old Larch is the only successful clone in the world. The bad thing is she has no idea. The Dictator shelters and hides her from her creator, a crazy scientist who wants to experiment on her and create more clones. When she learns of her past and who she was cloned from, she becomes confused and scared. Her guard, Stone, is the only one there for her, but he holds a secret that could bring her closer to what she fears most: being captured by the scientist. As Larch fights back she realizes she alone can help many others.

Holen, you've read it - what can I do here? What are her stakes without bringing in the other clones or her animal dna? I don't have enough room

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

herbchick said:
Ugh:

Holen, you've read it - what can I do here? What are her stakes without bringing in the other clones or her animal dna? I don't have enough room

I'm going to try and take a stab. Not that it'll be what you want, but maybe for springboarding...

Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator wrapped around her finger. There isn't a thing she wants that she can't get, except her freedom. But really, with all the kidnapping attempts she's survived, freedom isn't high on her priority list - until she learns the secret behind her influence. She's a clone off of the dictator's previous wife. And she's not the only one. How screwed up is that? Now she's bent on breaking out, because it's not just about her anymore.

Obviously, I focused on different parts of your story.

fairy86 · Feb 9, 2010

Saltier said:
I'm going to try and take a stab. Not that it'll be what you want, but maybe for springboarding...

Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator wrapped around her finger. There isn't a thing she wants that she can't get, except her freedom. But really, with all the kidnapping attempts she's survived, freedom isn't high on her priority list - until she learns the secret behind her influence. She's a clone off of the dictator's previous wife. And she's not the only one. How screwed up is that? Now she's bent on breaking out, because it's not just about her anymore.

Obviously, I focused on different parts of your story.

Sorry for my 50 million questions in advance

What's he the dictator of? The country or ....? Also, who's trying to kidnap her since she's the dictator's clone? Does the last line mean that she has to focus on helping the other clones or her friends?

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

New America/ her creator/ yes, other clones

ETA: Got a better idea. *working on it*

Vero · Feb 9, 2010

Hey guys!

I think I need a kick in the butt!! I've been so unmotivated today... All this rejections got me so low.n (sings Offspring)

Oh and feel free to tear my query apart in QLH: http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=4620530#post4620530

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

Okay: this doesn't touch on the animal aspect, but I really think her identity and the fact that there are other clones is important to the story.

Despite her uncanny ability to hear through walls, and her mysterious influence over Mosiarch, the Dictator of New America, seventeen-year-old Larch doesn't know much. Most importantly, she doesn't know that she's not really even human. But when Mosiarch calls her by his dead wife's name, and she finds pictures of herself in places she doesn't remember, she figures it out pretty quick. She's his wife's clone. And she's not the only one. Together with her bodyguard, Stone, Larch must take on the dictator, and take on her creator, if she's going to save the weaker versions of herself.

fairy86 · Feb 9, 2010

Herbie and Holen, I took a stab at it.

Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator of New America wrapped around her finger. She can have anything she desires, except for her freedom. But with all the failed kidnappings she's survived--attempts made by the crazed scientist who manufactured her--freedom isn't high on her priority list. Then she learns the secret surrounding her creation—she’s a clone of the dictator’s previous wife. And she's not the only one. Now with an army of unsuccessful sister clones, she's bent on breaking out, because life isn’t just about her anymore.

paranormalchick · Feb 9, 2010

houndrat said:
Hey guys!

So, I had my phone call. Agent is super supportive and awesome, fyi...so you should all query her.

I think what she said makes sense, and even better, I think I can do it. Just need to ponder for a few days first and then tackle it. I"ll also probably be bugging those of you who've read ad nauseam (well, even more than before, lol)), so just a heads up.

Thanks for all the support! You guys rock!

Hound...rep me who please

and I'm up for reading DG

herbchick · Feb 9, 2010

Gosh Holen, those are great, I especially like the last one. Thanks so much!

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

fairy86 said:
Herbie and Holen, I took a stab at it.

Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator of New America wrapped around her finger. She can have anything she desires, except for her freedom. But with all the failed kidnappings she's survived--attempts made by the crazed scientist who manufactured her--freedom isn't high on her priority list. Then she learns the secret surrounding her creation—she’s a clone of the dictator’s previous wife. And she's not the only one. Now Larch, with the help of her bodyguard, must take on the scientist to save the clones who are the closes thing to a real family that she has.

I love pretty much all of that version, Steph. Just the end was tough...

Trouble is, those other clones of the wife are all pretty weak - not good copies. So they can't storm anywhere. She's more in a savior role for them. And the other poor souls that the scientist has created.

paranormalchick · Feb 9, 2010

fairy86 said:
Herbie and Holen, I took a stab at it.

Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator of New America wrapped around her finger. She can have anything she desires, except for her freedom. But with all the failed kidnappings she's survived--attempts made by the crazed scientist who manufactured her--freedom isn't high on her priority list. Then she learns the secret surrounding her creation—she’s a clone of the dictator’s previous wife. And she's not the only one. Now with an army of unsuccessful sister clones, she's bent on breaking out, because life isn’t just about her anymore.

Oooooooooooooh I love it!!!

herbchick · Feb 9, 2010

Steph, that's really good. Thanks!!

Now I have a question. Will it matter that half of the story is about Stone from his pov? Should I include that or focus on Larch? Also, she gets kidnapped and locked in a cell and Stone saves her with the other clones - screwed up pre-Larch clones. Ugh, there's too much.

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

Focus on Larch. I think it gets too messy trying to explain that....but you should probably mention Stone in the pitch somehow.

herbchick · Feb 9, 2010

fairy86 said:
Herbie and Holen, I took a stab at it.

Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator of New America wrapped around her finger. She can have anything she desires, except for her freedom. But with all the failed kidnappings she's survived--attempts made by the crazed scientist who manufactured her--freedom isn't high on her priority list. Then she learns the secret surrounding her creation—she’s a clone of the dictator’s previous wife. And she's not the only one. Now with an army of unsuccessful sister clones, she's bent on breaking out, because life isn’t just about her anymore.

Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator of New America wrapped around her finger. She can have anything she desires, except for her freedom. But with all the failed kidnappings she's survived--attempts made by the crazed scientist who manufactured her--freedom isn't high on her priority list. Then she learns the secret surrounding her creation—she’s a clone of the dictator’s previous wife. And she's not the only one. Now with her boyfriend and some other clones she has to not only escape the dictator, but the loony scientist too, because life isn't just about her anymore.

This would be factual - good enough ending?

ETA: Holen and Steph rock!

Elysium · Feb 9, 2010

Yay! Herb! That was awesome! Way better than the first one. : )

fairy86 · Feb 9, 2010

herbchick said:
Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator of New America wrapped around her finger. She can have anything she desires, except for her freedom. But with all the failed kidnappings she's survived--attempts made by the crazed scientist who manufactured her--freedom isn't high on her priority list. Then she learns the secret surrounding her creation—she’s a clone of the dictator’s ~~previous~~ dead wife. And she's not the only one. Now with her new boyfriend and some of the other clones, she has to not only escape the dictator, but the ~~loony~~ scientist too, because life isn't just about her anymore.

This would be factual - good enough ending?

ETA: Holen and Steph rock!

I suggested a couple more tweaks.

paranormalchick · Feb 9, 2010

herbchick said:
Seventeen-year-old Larch has the dictator of New America wrapped around her finger. She can have anything she desires, except for her freedom. But with all the failed kidnappings she's survived--attempts made by the crazed scientist who manufactured her--freedom isn't high on her priority list. Then she learns the secret surrounding her creation—she’s a clone of the dictator’s previous wife. And she's not the only one. Now with her boyfriend and some other clones she has to not only escape the dictator, but the loony scientist too, because life isn't just about her anymore.

This would be factual - good enough ending?

ETA: Holen and Steph rock!

Love it

Sounds good!!

paranormalchick · Feb 9, 2010

fairy86 said:
I suggested a couple more tweaks.

Steph is a Mad Genuis at pitches and queries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bow to her awesomeness!!!

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

Looks good, Jen

herbchick · Feb 9, 2010

Thank you all so very much!! I actually feel good about it. I can't thank you enough!

vroth · Feb 9, 2010

Guys. Did you know there's a character named "Rue" in Hunger Games? Because I totally forgot. Hand, meet face.

paranormalchick · Feb 9, 2010

Eeeeeep Just posted my newly created query on QHL Feel free to Crit

Saltier · Feb 9, 2010

vroth said:
Guys. Did you know there's a character named "Rue" in Hunger Games? Because I totally forgot. Hand, meet face.

Do you have a character named Rue?

JamieB · Feb 9, 2010

Hi guys!!! I've been AW deprived at work. BLAH.

Holen, is Eleventh Hour trunked? Can you pitch more than one? I still love that one.

Old People Writing for Teens (Version 2)

Small towns fuel escapism

alcohol will do that for ya

Small towns fuel escapism

Loose on the internet!

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I want one!

Small towns fuel escapism

Loose on the internet!

Book Worm & YA writer

alcohol will do that for ya

Small towns fuel escapism

Book Worm & YA writer

alcohol will do that for ya

Small towns fuel escapism

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believe

Loose on the internet!

Book Worm & YA writer

Book Worm & YA writer

Small towns fuel escapism

alcohol will do that for ya

...yep.

Book Worm & YA writer

Small towns fuel escapism