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Old 02-14-2010, 04:19 PM   #1
heyjude
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The Line of the Day--NO CRITTING
Okay, MTSers, I want to know your favorite line from your WIP. Nothing too revealing, of course--no spoilers!--but something fun and/or deep and/or profound and/or just something you really liked.

I'll start:

"Screw it, he thought, the whole world’s going to hell, why shouldn’t I? and he leaned in and kissed her on the lips in the shade of the palm tree, not caring who might see them."

Not great literature, but it's a turning point for my MC and it's nice to see him loosen up a bit.

Your turn!
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Old 02-14-2010, 05:19 PM   #2
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Does it have to be one I've written today? I love that line, btw, Jude.

This one's kinda not great, I suppose, but I was really proud of it:

"I was mentally cursing the fact that seeing that look of his wasn’t really the way I wanted to start a day already leaning toward the Alexander no good very bad variety, when I realized what he was doing."

Punctuation on that is probably all off, but I still liked it.
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Old 02-14-2010, 10:54 PM   #3
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Okay, more than one line - it's a couple of lines of dialog from a short story I just sent off to an anthology. Two brothers talking -

Paul settled into a chair. “It’s been a while.”
“I know.”
“We never were much of a family, were we?”
“Yeah. Like cats in a sack.”
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November 1st, 2010 - Mainly Murder Press - Lead Poisoning - Things go wrong when a fugitive mob troubleshooter retires to New Hampshire to live with his family. http://www.amazon.com/Lead-Poisoning...5616894&sr=1-1
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Old 02-15-2010, 03:38 AM   #4
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Love them both! Who hasn't had an Alexander kind of a day?

And cats in a sack... we can all relate. Good to see you back, jesey!

Doesn't have to be today's line, or only one. Just a fun little something.
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Old 02-15-2010, 06:42 AM   #5
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Dave (MC) and the CSI Pepper Black are at the Lamont diner trying to pick each others brains for the first time. Both are on guard with each other, and not sure they even like each other. Pepper knows Dave still lives with his father (but not the circumstances why yet). In the whole scene you can tell who is saying what.

"So you still live at home with daddy?"
"And your daddy really name you Pepper---or is that just your stripper name?"
"My mom named me actually. She was the stripper," Pepper said with a smile, "but touche' Dave."

I'm working on chapter 5 so I picked one from there.

Nice to see you Jersey -- loved the cats in sack line.
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Old 02-15-2010, 07:40 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by HistorySleuth View Post
Dave (MC) and the CSI Pepper Black are at the Lamont diner trying to pick each others brains for the first time. Both are on guard with each other, and not sure they even like each other. Pepper knows Dave still lives with his father (but not the circumstances why yet). In the whole scene you can tell who is saying what.

"So you still live at home with daddy?"
"And your daddy really name you Pepper---or is that just your stripper name?"
"My mom named me actually. She was the stripper," Pepper said with a smile, "but touche' Dave."

I'm working on chapter 5 so I picked one from there.

Nice to see you Jersey -- loved the cats in sack line.
Hehe, this amused me.
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Old 02-15-2010, 08:19 AM   #7
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You know what I thought of right away with the cat & sacks line? (other then my husbands siblings..)

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven sacks,
And every sack had seven cats.
Each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

OK, weird I would think of that of all things.
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Old 02-15-2010, 03:57 PM   #8
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From my WIP, chapter 20. It's in a hospital and the parents of my MC's partner are consoling their grandson over the loss of his mother. Both her partner and his wife were gunned down ealier, and the wife died on the table.


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She knew there was nothing she could say to ease his pain, only time could do that. Time and justice. She had been waiting over twenty years for justice. Kelli didn’t want him to have to wait that long.
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Old 02-15-2010, 06:10 PM   #9
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Today's line for me is:

Quote:
News travels faster than the speed of car.
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Old 02-15-2010, 07:05 PM   #10
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Ha Kaitie, so true!!!
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:47 PM   #11
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Today's line for me is:News travels faster than the speed of car.

Yeah, but what kind of car?
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:39 AM   #12
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Working on my WIP, chapter 33. SETUP: Dave Robertson, my MC is in the reporter's offices of the Lamont Weekly Times. He thinks he is the last one in the building other then the Carter's who were probably finishing up cleaning the presses. Dave talks to himself, not out loud but in his head. (His head voice is the only thing in italics throughout the story.) Yes there are reasons for it, which is explained. Hey, hes got issues hes got to get over --- don't we all? Anyway he fixed his desk up and went into the kitchenette to wash his coffee cup. Its the end of their week and the paper is on the stands.

*****

He still hadn’t heard the front door close. That was odd, even when he ran water in the sink he could normally hear the old style bell over the top of the front door jingle.

You’re getting paranoid Davy boy.

Well, sometimes a little paranoia is a good thing. He turned off the tap and listened. Nothing. OK, just his imagination, which really needed to butt out. He flipped the light off in the kitchenette―then stopped. That time he clearly heard something. It was the unmistakable squeak of the archives door. It could be the Carter’s, but what if it wasn’t? He quietly opened the silverware drawer and felt around. Shit, there has to be something in here other than plastic butter knives and forks. He squatted slightly and went for the drawer below. Yes―a cake knife!

What the hell you going to do with that Davy, cut the intruder into dessert slabs?

******

You know I would really like some feedback on a bigger chunk of this chapter. Please bear in mind I usually write non-fiction, I'm new to fiction writing. I don't want to info dump or tell not show, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right when my MC is alone. I don't know if I'm brave enough to put it in the SYW section and draw a lot of attention to it, everyone reads there right? Can I put it in the M/T/S section as a separate thread or is the other forum better because its password protected (sort of). What to do ... what to do...
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:43 AM   #13
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SYW is the best place for a wide audience. However, if you'd like a smaller sample (I know, I'm too shy to go that wide, too!), ask some of us to do it by PM. I know I'd be happy to.
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:57 AM   #14
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OK heyjude, you're elected ... and thank you!
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Old 02-17-2010, 06:54 AM   #15
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I'm always up to help out, too. If you ever need anything or want a second opinion just toss me a PM and let me know.
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:48 AM   #16
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Quote:
It reminded me of Halloweens as a child, dressing in your best costume when Mom insisted it was too cold to wear it as intended, and the cumulative embarrassment of every child on the block as we stepped out of the house to start on our quest for sugar-filled treasure with our Superman capes tied below our hoods.
My narrator tends to be sorta wordy, so this will probably be cleaned up a bit, but I liked it anyway. Technically this was from yesterday. Hopefully I'll have a new one in a bit.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:40 PM   #17
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Well, mine isn't from today either. And it's not just one line. It's between Kevin and Kelli, and she has just showered and walked into the hallway with a towel wrapped around her.

Quote:
“Hey, you’re supposed to be in bed.” He grinned and walked toward her. “Now what am I supposed to do with this?” He glanced down at the tray and back to her.

“Well, I could always go back to bed.” She tilted her head and smiled. “But I don’t have a thing to wear.” She let the towel drop and watched the expression on his face.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:43 PM   #18
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Haha, better be careful, Ken. We might be seeing a genre change if Kelli keeps this up.
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Old 02-17-2010, 04:39 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaitie View Post
It reminded me of Halloweens as a child, dressing in your best costume when Mom insisted it was too cold to wear it as intended, and the cumulative embarrassment of every child on the block as we stepped out of the house to start on our quest for sugar-filled treasure with our Superman capes tied below our hoods.
Oh my God! Are you from the Buffalo area? I remember that. You know how hard it is to squeeze a princess outfit over a coat? Really kills the effect.



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Originally Posted by Ken
“Hey, you’re supposed to be in bed.” He grinned and walked toward her. “Now what am I supposed to do with this?” He glanced down at the tray and back to her.

“Well, I could always go back to bed.” She tilted her head and smiled. “But I don’t have a thing to wear.” She let the towel drop and watched the expression on his face.
... when he realized she still had her coat on. I remember doing that too. Really kills the effect.


You notice we all seem to use our witty stuff here?
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Old 02-17-2010, 06:48 PM   #20
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I'm always witty. Oh would that that were true. I've actually got a pretty lame sense of humor in real life haha. Amazing I even aspire to write teh funny.

I'm not from Buffalo, btw. I'm actually from way down south Texas and it never got that cold, but I lived in the Midwest during college and always felt bad for the poor little kids on Halloween. I'm actually glad that got an, "I remember that!" response rather than, "What on earth are you talking about?"

Anyway, my line for the day needs advice. I'm thinking this is a hit or miss one, and I'm not sure which it is.

Quote:
You might have expected Gabe to loosen up, let out a sigh of relief, but Gabe holds onto tense like it’s the only thing that comforts him.
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:03 PM   #21
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Change the second "Gabe" to "he."

Hello, MST writers! I appear to have written a thriller (no zombies materialized!) so I'm poking my head in.
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:54 PM   #22
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Hi there Namatu! You're more than welcome here, zombies or no. Go find the thread "What we're writing" and let us know more about your project!
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:28 PM   #23
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You might have expected Gabe to loosen up, let out a sigh of relief, but Gabe holds onto tense like it’s the only thing that comforts him.
Do you mean "tension"? And along with Namatu, change the second "Gabe" to "he".
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:39 PM   #24
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Thanks for the welcome!
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Old 02-18-2010, 03:32 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken Hoss View Post
Namatu!




Do you mean "tension"? And along with Namatu, change the second "Gabe" to "he".
Oddly, the second Gabe isn't one of the things up for change haha. I really, really like it better "Gabe" than "he." I can't explain it, just do. If one of them changes, it would be the first not the second. Anyway, it's not so much tension as that being feeling tense. This kid is really, really tough to explain. I'll leave it as it is now and consider it as part of the whole when I go back and edit since we've got mixed feelings and it's not necessarily clear.

Oh and uh...

Eek it's Namatu! *runs away in horror*
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