10 rules for writing (in response to the Guardian article)

[Sophia]

This is a tongue-in-cheek response to the recent Guardian article discussed over in Novels. My favourite is number four:

Never use a verb other than "ejaculated" to carry the dialogue, eg. "'I don't really know what to say to you, Ivan Ivanych,' Nastasya Petrovna ejaculated tearfully." (Chekhov)

[alleycat]

Can we play too?


1. Always say you're writing a trilogy. Telling people you're writing a trilogy makes it sound like you're the next Tolkien, and it's just, well, cool!

2. No character in your book should go by their actual name; they should all have clever little nicknames.

3. Format your manuscript just like a book. This will impress your agent and editor.

4. Before writing a single word, decide how you want the dust jacket to look. This will save time later.

5. Only deal with agents that accept submissions by e-mail. This will save on postage, and darn it, it's a lot of trouble to have to go to the post office to mail a manuscript.

6. Trust spell and grammar checker. That's what there they're for.

7. When in doubt, add a comma.

8. Don't forget to have at least one vampire or other supernatural character. Just think how much better To Kill a Mockingbird would have been if Boo Radley had been a zombie.

9. Use unusual names for the main characters (this will help the reader to identify them as the main characters). Why name a character Susan when you can use Neffretilla.

10. Add more vampires!


(Remember, this is all in fun.)

[aadams73]

1. speeling r not importint.

2. Write in crayon. It shows the editor you're in touch with your inner child.

3. Use names readers will recognize so they'll sympathize quickly. Harry Potter. Gandalf. Pennywise the Clown.

4. Always open with food or sex or beer. Readers like that. Especially male readers.

5. Your words are golden--GOLDEN! Cling to them even when you're wrong--which you're not.

6. Only write when you feel inspired, even if you only feel inspired every other Sunday.

7. Don't just finish what you start, start what you finish. It's totally zen. Think about it.

8. Plagiarize. Hey, you already know their lines work!

9. If a name seems too common, throw in an apostrophe. F'red. M'o. R'um'ple'stil'ts'in'.

10. Procrastinate as often as possible, that way you'll always have clean pressed clothes for those book signings you won't be doing.

[Julie Worth]

Originally Posted by alleycat

8. Don't forget to have at least one vampire or other supernatural character. Just think how much better To Kill a Mockingbird would have been if Boo Radley had been a zombie.

Fantastic idea! As Harper Lee is still alive, somebody ought to pitch that idea for a sequel. Zombie or vampire, but I think vampire would work better.

Boo...what a clever nickname!

[Mr Flibble]

1 - to add mystery do not reveal name and / or gender of your protagonist till half way through the book when a sudden mention of their boobs / other bits will reveal it in an anticlimactic manner

2 - to appeal to female readers, make sure all your heroes are dark, angsty and have bulging pecs ( and other things)

3 - to appeal to male readers, make sure all female characters have big boobs and are raving nymphos

4 - to appeal to everyone make sure they jump into bed at least once a chapter, even if they don't fancy each other. Especially important in non-erotica.

5 - when subbing, make sure to include chocolates as a bribe, particularly during very hot weather.

6 when writing a query make sure to put in that your mum thinks it's a literary classic

7 - Writing a query in weird fonts is a sure fire way to get an agents interest and that all important full request If you don't use wing dings, they'll think you aren't trying hard enough


8 - You can, never, have too, many,,,,,,commas,.



9 - Make your climax super-exciting by having your main character decide, actually, it's not worth all the bother and go for tea and scones instead


10 - To make yourself look even smarter, make sure to use the most diffuse, digressive, discursive, garrulous, loquacious, prolix, protracted, rambling and of course, long, words you can. A thesaurus will help you immensely, monumentally, elaphantinely, prodigiously here








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[Fulk]

Originally Posted by alleycat

Can we play too?


5. Only deal with agents that accept submissions by e-mail. This will save on postage, and darn it, it's a lot of trouble to have to go to the post office to mail a manuscript.

Disregard this! New rule! Only submit manuscripts via snail mail. Sure, there's postage, but it comes with the opportunity to let everyone know that's your novel in there, that you're a writer, and you have their word they'll be your first readers.

[kayleamay]

Originally Posted by alleycat

Can we play too?




7. When in doubt, add a comma.




(Remember, this is the only way you will ever save your pride.)

Originally Posted by aadams73

1. speeling r not importint.

2. Write in crayon. It shows the editor you're in touch with your inner child.


5. Your words are golden--GOLDEN! Cling to them even when you're wrong--which you're not.



9. If a name seems too common, throw in an apostrophe. F'red. M'o. R'um'ple'stil'ts'in'.

10. Procrastinate as often as possible, that way you'll always have clean pressed clothes for those book signings you won't be doing.

Originally Posted by IdiotsRUs

6 when writing a query make sure to put in that your mum thinks it's a literary classic

7 - Writing a query in weird fonts is a sure fire way to get an agents interest and that all important full request If you don't use wing dings, they'll think you aren't trying hard enough


8 - You can, never, have too, many,,,,,,commas,.



9 - Make your climax super-exciting by having your main character decide, actually, it's not worth all the bother and go for tea and scones instead




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I just realized how awesome I am. I already do all of these. You guys forgot to add that you should always type in all caps when you're excited. I WIN!!!