The Worst First ...

pyrosama · Aug 4, 2011

See if you can come up with the worst first sentence imaginable in a novel. I once participated in this sort of thing at a writing conference and it was a lot of fun. I will see if there is participation before I post.

Nymtoc · Aug 4, 2011

I hardly know where to start. Here's one, maybe not lame enough, but it might help get the ball rolling:

There are so many things I remember about my childhood back in Dinklesville, some good and some quite painful to recall, which I hope to describe in an interesting way in this book.

archerjoe · Aug 4, 2011

Here's a rejected entry for the Bulwer-Lytton contest:

Hounded by paparazzi, Tiger perched on the final dog leg, fished out his five-iron, ducked his head and watched the ball catapult over the sand trap, snake onto the green and make a beeline to the pin for a birdie, sealing the win.

pyrosama · Aug 4, 2011

Okay, here's one that I submitted for a contest, it didn't win...but,dang! I thought it had a good chance because who does this?

I sat there in the Starbucks waiting for my boyfriend to show up and OMG, he was late, lol.

Nymtoc · Aug 4, 2011

Holding the .22 Sig Sauer automatic to Phil's head, just where Phil's reddish hair crept over his left ear, Bubba, who stood six feet tall and weighed 220 pounds and had graduated in the same class as Phil at Franklin High five years ago, said, "Before I kill you, I'm going to tell you how I robbed the bank and shot the manager and killed two tellers and fooled the cops and where I buried the money, but it's a long story."

fireluxlou · Aug 4, 2011

The sun shone and the weather was warm.

I suppose I've read to many stories starting with the weather and it annoys me somewhat.

Komnena · Aug 7, 2011

It was a dark and stormy night, yet there was the hint of sunlight to come over the rails where the villain was tying the heroine, Precious Pearl, to the go kart tracks where the golfers would soon be driving at high speed toward the glistening golf course.

Undercover · Aug 7, 2011

Once upon a time...

pyrosama · Aug 7, 2011

Lmc71775 said:
Once upon a time...

LOL!!

And they lived happily ever after, until...

pyrosama · Aug 7, 2011

He woke to the alarm clock going off in the middle of the night and smacked it shut, then went back to sleep until the next morning, when he woke up and got some coffee.

trocadero · Aug 7, 2011

I'm very proud of the Dishonorable Mention I won in the Bulwer-Lytton contest a few years ago. My brain's too dead to think of a really good bad first sentence right now, but here are this year's recently announced winners:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2011.htm

I think this is my favorite: She held my hand as if she were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.” By James Heam, Canterbury, Kent, UK.

MidlifeMark · Aug 7, 2011

The heat and the humidity of the hot and humid August afternoon was oppressive as he panted and sweated in the heat and humidity.

archerjoe · Aug 9, 2011

trocadero said:
I'm very proud of the Dishonorable Mention I won in the Bulwer-Lytton contest a few years ago. My brain's too dead to think of a really good bad first sentence right now, but here are this year's recently announced winners:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2011.htm

I think this is my favorite: She held my hand as if she were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.” By James Heam, Canterbury, Kent, UK.

Congrats on your dishonorable mention. I've had a bad sentence featured there, as well. Is there a group for B-W contest alumni?

pyrosama · Aug 11, 2011

"Can I buy you a drink?" he asked as his eyes danced across her cleavage and his heart turned to stone as he realized he was playing this game weak, like in the minor leagues.

parumpdragon · Aug 11, 2011

He said that she said, that Tommy's ex was kissing Martha Mertle's second cousin's younger brother.

Drachen Jager · Aug 11, 2011

Ya know, you ain't really felt pain until you've had an enlarged scrotum, and believe me, I know something about it from that time my scrotum swole up 'bout twelve times it's reg'lar size and the sawbones, he said he ain't never seen such a big'un.

Mclesh · Aug 11, 2011

I love every single one of these!

Here's my corny contribution:

It was a dark and stormy night, and I knew this because the hard rain fell like bullets, attacking the windshield of my beat-up Austin American coupe with a ferocity that can best be compared to a battle-hardened P-51 Mustang divebombing a Zero somewhere over the Aleutian Islands in the last days of WWII.

Mclesh · Aug 13, 2011

Here's another one inspired by my husband's comment to use the word "phlegm" in a worst opening sentence. (I can't remember his word for word, but I almost choked with laughter. This one isn't nearly as bad.)

Aside from the cold sore, Fabiola wasn't half bad looking.

Drachen Jager · Aug 13, 2011

Rain hit the window and pooled on the sill, like sweat pouring off a stripper's thighs and forming a wet spot in her g-string.

Wayne K · Aug 13, 2011

Winter came early that year, so we postponed Spring until Summer, and Fall fell from the calender

Mann Crux · Aug 13, 2011

There was a gun in my pocket, whiskey in my stomach, a hat on my head, a cigarette clamped between my teeth, a dame in the bedroom, a body on the floor, a dark tragedy in my past and a cop at the door; must be Thursday.

Mclesh · Aug 13, 2011

Mann Crux said:
There was a gun in my pocket, whiskey in my stomach, a hat on my head, a cigarette clamped between my teeth, a dame in the bedroom, a body on the floor, a dark tragedy in my past and a cop at the door; must be Thursday.

Magic.

Drachen Jager · Aug 13, 2011

An air of dispair hung in the air around the old McMurty place, so thick you could cut it with a knife, spread it on some toast with eggs, bacon and a cup of coffee and call it breakfast.

Mclesh · Aug 13, 2011

Drachen Jager -- Thumb's up for both of yours.

Drachen Jager · Aug 13, 2011

Nineteen years of my life I'd spent searching, but it was finally within my grasp, just inside the drugstore window, glittering in the late-night flourescent glow like a tropical waterfall of precious and semi-precious gemstones, with a price-tag of $1.79, the perfect pair of nail clippers.

The Worst First ...

Pyrosama

Benefactor Member

Pyrosama

Benefactor Member

In Honor of Peter Tomich,USS Utah

I got it covered

Pyrosama

Pyrosama

A little dense, sometimes

Pyrosama

I sometimes hiccup fire

Professor of applied misanthropy

It's too hot

It's too hot

Professor of applied misanthropy

Love it would be much better

It's too hot

Professor of applied misanthropy

It's too hot

Professor of applied misanthropy