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#6026 | |
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Goonsquad
SuperModerator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: In your worst nightmare
Posts: 38,249
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Here's to a peaceful transition, Wendy.
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#6027 |
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Today is your last day.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 7,018
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Need a tiny bit of help with a phrasing. The current phrase goes as follows,
His voice held a whisper of slithering scaliness. I know that can be phrased better. Any suggestions? |
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#6028 |
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One cow, two cows, three...
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 31,628
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Good day hounds.
Abby, good luck and much congrats on the new job tomorrow. Debbie, hope your connecting flight is there and waiting so you don't have a delay. Soapy, beat the snot out of that WIP and knock that outline into the dirt. Show it who's boss. Greg, maybe something with seething or hissing instead. ![]() And Haggis...Amen. I pray that she goes ever so lightly with the angels guiding her way and surrounded by family and loved ones. and I'll have one of those shots please. |
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#6029 |
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Today is your last day.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 7,018
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I ended the previous sentence with "hissed". The current sentence reads as "His tone whispered of slithering scales."
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#6030 |
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New kid, be gentle!
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,836
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Abby, the Harry Potter world is in Universal Studios Orland Islands of Adventure. I've gone a few times and it's always like going HOME. I think I'm going in July, but I'm not sure yet - that's not set in stone.
Greg - Everything I attempted sounded twice as awkward, but have you tried saying it all out loud and seeing what you correct yourself to? Maybe that's a me thing, but if I have a super awkward passage, I'll start reading a page or two before hand, out loud, and by the time I get there, I'm so in the flow of it that I simply correct it as I read out loud. The trick is, then, remembering the correction and making it. But it usually works well for me, anyway. All - Middle Grade or young young adult horror, is that a thing? What am I even doing with my life right now? The world does not need a new R.L. Stein, the original was so freaking awesome.
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WIPs MESSAGES FROM THE DEAD (9/60k) (revising) LEGACY (62k/65k) (revising) |
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#6031 |
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Today is your last day.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 7,018
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Actually, read out loud, "His tone whispered of slithering scales" sounds good to me.
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#6033 |
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New kid, be gentle!
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,836
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If it fits, go for it. I wasn't sure if you didn't still like it or not. It's a stylistic choice, and how it fits your piece is really all that matters.
At C2E2 I went to some amazing panels with authors like Anne Rice and Charlaine Harris on them, and that was something I noticed - these authors all had a seriously noticable way of being themself. It was awesome. The way they spoke was just as distinct as they way they wrote. I mean, these are big time, long-enduring authors, who have had a lot of time to practice being themselves in panels, but still. It was neat.
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WIPs MESSAGES FROM THE DEAD (9/60k) (revising) LEGACY (62k/65k) (revising) |
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#6034 |
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word-slinger
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Not Really Here
Posts: 38,142
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FWIW, I'd combine the two. I like "His voice held a whisper of slithering scales."
Just my two cents.
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“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”
Out of work? Stop by the AW Special Unemployment Team Password: serenity Fleas • Twits |
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#6035 |
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Today is your last day.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 7,018
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Maybe "His voice whispered of slithering scales." ?
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#6036 |
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word-slinger
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Not Really Here
Posts: 38,142
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No, I like the "held a whisper" because when you phrase it the other way, it just makes me think that's what he's actually whispering, which is not what I think you're trying to convey.
Again, just my two cents in how it sounds to my ears. Or, er, reads, because I'm not reading it out loud.
__________________
“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”
Out of work? Stop by the AW Special Unemployment Team Password: serenity Fleas • Twits |
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#6037 |
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Today is your last day.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 7,018
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The conveyance is that the listener is hearing something at the back of the speaker's voice, something that may or may not be there.
Damn, it's such a difficult turn of a phrase for something that ought to be relatively easy to convey - maybe I ought to just say "His voice held darkness"... On a lighter note, my friend Erika said she'd be willing to go out with me sometime. Her major worry is other patrons of hers finding out we're going out together and expecting the same thing. I understand her concerns from an employment POV. She needs those tips and she doesn't need to be hassled by other customers constantly asking her out. |
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#6038 |
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word-slinger
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Not Really Here
Posts: 38,142
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EGAD! NO!
Er, I mean, I don't think that works near as well, Greg. ![]() So... when are you asking her out, Greg?
__________________
“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”
Out of work? Stop by the AW Special Unemployment Team Password: serenity Fleas • Twits |
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#6039 |
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Today is your last day.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 7,018
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Okay... Cutting that right out of the phrase alternatives...
As to when I'll be asking Erika out - Next week. I'll have more money, less bills, and be better off financially, none of which matters to her. I gave her another hyacinth flower today 'cause I was kind've an ass in an email to her yesterday (she said I wasn't, but I was). |
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#6040 |
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word-slinger
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Not Really Here
Posts: 38,142
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Um, that's "next week" as in "the week that starts tomorrow," right?
Because she's given you the green light here. Ergo, you need to ask. And yes, I will become an absolute pest on this issue if you keep putting it off.
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“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”
Out of work? Stop by the AW Special Unemployment Team Password: serenity Fleas • Twits |
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#6041 |
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writing
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: At the portal to the Pacific
Posts: 15,773
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![]() Morning, Hounds. Today is the start to the week where I catch up on stuff. ![]() After coffee. And after herding children. And assuming the puppy sleeps some. |
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#6042 |
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word-slinger
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Not Really Here
Posts: 38,142
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So, in other words, it's not going to happen.
![]() I have the week in which things should be done, too. Only in my case there is no choice unless I want to hand out random grades. Wait. I have a dice. Six sides, five possible grades, how did I not see this before?
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“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”
Out of work? Stop by the AW Special Unemployment Team Password: serenity Fleas • Twits |
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#6043 | |
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fire breather
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 25,886
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Quote:
![]() And I am doing catch-up stuff also
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#6044 |
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writing
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: At the portal to the Pacific
Posts: 15,773
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#6045 |
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word-slinger
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Not Really Here
Posts: 38,142
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I have a week off.
How else am I supposed to amuse myself?
__________________
“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”
Out of work? Stop by the AW Special Unemployment Team Password: serenity Fleas • Twits |
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#6046 | |
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aka Skwirrel
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Roughly 900 miles SW of Hell
Posts: 7,652
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#6047 | |
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aka Skwirrel
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Roughly 900 miles SW of Hell
Posts: 7,652
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Quote:
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#6048 | |
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aka Skwirrel
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Roughly 900 miles SW of Hell
Posts: 7,652
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Quote:
What a sad surprise to me this morning. |
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#6049 |
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writing
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: At the portal to the Pacific
Posts: 15,773
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#6050 |
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practical experience, FTW
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 241
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Greetings, hounds! I've been playing over at the Write 1 Sub 1 thread, but since I'm a horror writer
, I figured I would pop my head over here and say hi. Soo...Hi! Feels lovely to be amongst good company. Those literary people don't know what they're missing.
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