Sex too soon?

[Horserider]

The big question isn't "Is it too soon?" but "Is it right for the characters?" Are they the type of people to have sex after being in a relationship for two weeks, despite being friends for years beforehand? Is it going to be more of a "It's on the bucket list so we should just have sex" type thing or is it more of a "make-out session that went farther" scene? Are they worried that it might affect their friendship?

I can't really give any advice on how you should write the sex scene beyond "stay true to your characters." According to their personality, what would they do? How would they react to this big step in their relationship?

[ladybritches]

I agree with Horserider. It's not about what we would do or what we think is proper, or even what you, the author, thinks is proper. It's about what the characters do.

[jr0127]

That sounds totally fine. If it feels like the natural progression in their relationship, then it's the right thing to do. Since they've known each other for a while and their relationship stems back further than the two weeks they've known each other it makes complete sense. If they'd only known each other for two weeks it'd be kinda hasty but this seems to make sense for them! Good luck!

[totopink]

When I was at school I had friends in real life who have known each other for ages, had sex as a one off and then had successful relationships with each other.
However, is the reason that she wants to have sex with him more to do with finishing the list or because she likes this boy?
If it's the former then you'll have to consider writing in an emotional context and probably a break down in the two characters relationship for a while. That may not be the direction you want to go in.
If you want it to be about ~them~ then you'll have to be delicate about writing the experience to make sure it's clear that it is about him and how she feels for him and not just the list.

[JoMarieM]

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't like the idea of teenagers having sex in novels AT ALL, unless it's to illustrate a specific point (such as not waiting until the right time to have sex). We have way too many teenagers having premarital sex in this world as it is, and it almost always ends up very negatively for both the boy and the girl with unwanted pregnancies, STDs, broken hearts, etc. Sex in novels usually don't depict these problems. I don't care if people say, "Well, teens are going to do it anyway" and while teenagers DO have those kinds of feelings, I just feel that we don't need any more books in this world glamorizing teen sex.

[Liosse de Velishaf]

I've read very few YA books, at least contemp ones, that glorify sex. Also, I've known and know plenty of teenagers who've had sex and not had anything bad happen because of it.

I also don't consider a broken heart something to blame specifically on teen sex. Broken hearts can happen with barely even a kiss, and it's rarely the sex that leads directly to the broken heart.

This is not specifically directed at you, Jo. Your post just happen to mention some things that struck a chord in me.

[missesdash]

Originally Posted by JoMarieM

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't like the idea of teenagers having sex in novels AT ALL, unless it's to illustrate a specific point (such as not waiting until the right time to have sex). We have way too many teenagers having premarital sex in this world as it is, and it almost always ends up very negatively for both the boy and the girl with unwanted pregnancies, STDs, broken hearts, etc. Sex in novels usually don't depict these problems. I don't care if people say, "Well, teens are going to do it anyway" and while teenagers DO have those kinds of feelings, I just feel that we don't need any more books in this world glamorizing teen sex.

Are you really thinking about this before you type it out?

Most teens their virginity around 16-17 without getting an STD or becoming pregnant. I don't know how to quantitively judge something as subjective as "broken hearts" but I can assure that sentiment is a natural part of growing up, regardless of whether or not the teenager is a virgin.

You're not "old fashioned," you're just misinformed. The numbers don't match up with any of the assertions in your post.

[fireluxlou]

Originally Posted by JoMarieM

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't like the idea of teenagers having sex in novels AT ALL, unless it's to illustrate a specific point (such as not waiting until the right time to have sex). We have way too many teenagers having premarital sex in this world as it is, and it almost always ends up very negatively for both the boy and the girl with unwanted pregnancies, STDs, broken hearts, etc. Sex in novels usually don't depict these problems. I don't care if people say, "Well, teens are going to do it anyway" and while teenagers DO have those kinds of feelings, I just feel that we don't need any more books in this world glamorizing teen sex.

Naw it isn't 'almost always' negative mine was at 16 and it was pleasant and fun and nothing bad came of it, I didn't contract an STD, I didn't get pregnant because of BC. I didn't get a broken heart I was in a committed relationship. And if I did get a broken heart, well broken hearts are part of relationships, you've got to take the rough with the smooth. Personal anecedotes aside.

Broken hearts are all part of the package of LIFE I'm afraid, whether you're a teen in a relationship, have a pet dying, a friendship has fallen apart, or one of your family has died. You can't prevent a broken heart.

Sex doesn't = bad consequences, nor does it mean you'll catch a VD and die a horrible painful death, in fact I bet a lot of peoples first times were quite nice and nothing bad at all came of it, no matter how much parents like to say you'll get pregnant every time you have sex, or try to stop you from taking BC. Sex was a big part of my adolescences due to puberty, from talking about it with my peers to discovering myself as a woman. BC was also a big part of that because I wanted to control my periods, and my body from having babies if I did decide to have sex with someone I loved.

A small percentage doesn't indicate that it's the same for the whole majority. You can't prevent your children from heartache, break ups, death, from life. It's all part of growing up I'm afraid. It's called being human.

[JMC2009]

Originally Posted by JoMarieM

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't like the idea of teenagers having sex in novels AT ALL, unless it's to illustrate a specific point (such as not waiting until the right time to have sex). I don't care if people say, "Well, teens are going to do it anyway" and while teenagers DO have those kinds of feelings, I just feel that we don't need any more books in this world glamorizing teen sex.

Validity of facts aside (which I've never seen any numbers, don't know if she's right or not), this part is a valid answer to the question, as a reader. The OP did ask for our opinions on whether we thought it was too soon given her characters background. This I believe was a resounding yes.

This is a morals/ethics question, however, which is something I try not to dictate to others when responding to posts. If it were taboo in the genre, that's important to point out, but otherwise if the writer wants to put it in that's between them and their agent/editor.

[KateSmash]

Funny. I had a lot of premarital sex and never once had an STD, pregnancy or a broken heart. Nor did anyone I've ever known. It's call protection, education and an attitude that doesn't elevate sex to some sort of romantic ideal that exists only for "true love".

Y'all do realize that, up until about the Victorian Age (and even through it for most lower class people) the teen years were when they got married and had children - especially women? Or that, through most of time up until recently, the rules of morals surrounding sex really didn't apply to anyone but nobility. Go ask your favorite medieval history professor about all the sexy premarital sex people were having.

[The Illusionist]

As previous posters have pointed out in the YA I have encountered sex has not been glamorized. I do however think one of the important aspects of YA is to deal with the issues that real teens deal with, and sex is simply one of them. Not talking about it or only talking about abstinence is not going to change reality, I think that has been sufficiently proven at schools that teach abstinence only.

If you are however truthful about sex it will help teens more. Truthful means yes, also talking about STDs or pregnancy scares, but it also means being truthful that having sex as a teenager is okay and can be something nice if you take precautions and are ready. For most people their first time won't be the best sex of their live but it will be something nice they will not regret, something the experiences of previous posters demonstrate and which I also had. Some books will deal with the difficult aftermath of unprotected/too early sex while others will deal with it as a positive experience teens go through, and either way is valid.

For me the biggest problem is the notion of 'if you don't talk about it, it will go away' which just isn't true, as we all should know by now. Inversely, just because you talk about sex is not going to make teenagers jump up and do it immediately. I for one grew up very well informed about sex and my parents never said I should wait to a certain age/until marriage etc. and yet I actually waited to have sex longer than a lot of friends I knew who did have those parents that preached abstinence only. Why? Because I was taught sex was not some evil thing, that I should be okay with my body, which meant I also valued myself and waited until I was fully comfortable with having sex.

Jo, I understand your concerns but writing about sex does not mean it is immediately glamorizing it, it is simply helping teens with an issue they deal with in reality and helps to educate them about it.

[ladybritches]

One of my characters will remain a virgin until her wedding night, which happens long after my story ends and we won't see it on the page. Another jumps the LI as soon as they're alone, since he's obviously willing, and I do describe that.

So when I write, it's really not about my own morals, it's about the character's morals. I try to stay true to their personalities.

If your characters want to have sex, let them. But there are teens who do choose to wait, so if they really aren't ready, don't force it on them just because of some 'to do' list.

[TheSteph]

Originally Posted by The Illusionist

I think your 'just have been dating two weeks' concern could be something you introduce the character is having! It seems realistic for me for a teenage girl to want sex but wonder if it is too soon, especially in a new relationship. Yet it is equally normal for her in the end to decide she really does feel ready and wants to do it. I would however also make sure she thinks if she wants it because she wants it and not only because of her brother's list.

As for how to depict it: I agree that teenagers having sex is going to be more awkward than amazing but it can still be sweet. Them trying to make it nice is the sweet part, them not succeeding so much since they have no experience the awkward part. I would however not get too graphic in the descriptions, maybe describe the beginning, fade to black, and then the 'aftermath' so that you are still okay being in the YA genre.

Exactly what I was going to say. Put all your concerns into the character's thoughts and feelings, she could wonder about her own motivations, her LI's motivations, etc. Makes for some good inner conflict.