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Old 01-28-2013, 10:22 PM   #4251
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Originally Posted by Bing Zabriskie View Post
Give the guy a name* and it's perfect (at least to me).

* On second thought, not necessary a name. A nick or job title (the "transporter" or something) will do as well but then you may need a transition/intro into his name.
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:29 PM   #4252
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New three

Alright, I came up with a new opening spot for my novel and, after writing a new page or so, a new first three. Hopefully an improvement.

After a few minutes hanging with his feet stretched, the tips of his toes dangling a few inches from the floor, Jack thinks to himself, this isn’t going to work. I’m not even really choking here—and I can still breathe. Jack gives the silk necktie stretched above his head a few short tugs at the nape of his neck as he hears the shower shut off in the bathroom just outside the walk-in closet.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:01 PM   #4253
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All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.
My only problem with this is, who's narrating? But then, it's three lines.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:55 PM   #4254
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Originally Posted by WyattEarp View Post
Alright, I came up with a new opening spot for my novel and, after writing a new page or so, a new first three. Hopefully an improvement.

After a few minutes hanging with his feet stretched, the tips of his toes dangling a few inches from the floor, Jack thinks to himself, this isn’t going to work. I’m not even really choking here—and I can still breathe. JackHe gives the silk necktie stretched above his head a few short tugs at the nape of his neck . he hears The shower shuts off in the bathroom just outside the walk-in closet.
There are just way too many words here.
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Old 01-29-2013, 12:04 AM   #4255
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First three lines of my current WIP:

I still remember my exact thought when I met my first alien. It wasn’t the fact that I had to carry the weight of being the first human contacted by another race. Hell, I wasn’t even thinking about how scared I was. No, my first thought was "damn, I can’t believe I have to picture this nasty thing having sex."
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Old 01-29-2013, 01:42 AM   #4256
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Originally Posted by Neporsche View Post
Ok here are my three.

Hank watched the guppies flit away from his hungry turtle. In a beaten man slowly awoke to a world of pain. Hank smiled and whispered, "I think I'll call you guppy."
That second sentence makes absolutely no sense. The syntax is garbled. Something is missing.
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Old 01-29-2013, 01:49 AM   #4257
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Originally Posted by chris41336 View Post
First three lines of my current WIP:

I still remember my exact thought when I met my first alien. It wasn’t the fact that I had to carry the weight of being the first human contacted by another race. Hell, I wasn’t even thinking about how scared I was. No, my first thought was "damn, I can’t believe I have to picture this nasty thing having sex."
Great voice. This is good. I would keep reading.

No quotes around the thought, though. Quotes are only for dialogue.
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Old 01-29-2013, 01:54 AM   #4258
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That second sentence makes absolutely no sense. The syntax is garbled. Something is missing.
Lmao I swear it made sense before I edited it twice ... scount's honor.
Off to the edit button again!

Edit: Returned to the original form ... and now I hate the passage for all its errors. Lol. Seriously, thank you one and all for opening my eyes with this piece.
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Old 01-29-2013, 02:01 AM   #4259
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Ok I'm posting a revised first three lines based on your critiques and advice.

Hank stared at the guppies flit away from his hungry turtle. In the corner of the filthy room, just behind the fish tank, a beaten man slowly awoke to a world of pain. Hank smiled at him. "I think I'll call you guppy."
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Old 01-29-2013, 02:21 AM   #4260
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Great voice. This is good. I would keep reading.

No quotes around the thought, though. Quotes are only for dialogue.

I only quoted this because I wasn't sure if the italics would translate to the forums from the copy/paste, but thanks! haha
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Old 01-29-2013, 03:06 AM   #4261
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I only quoted this because I wasn't sure if the italics would translate to the forums from the copy/paste, but thanks! haha
No, the italics wouldn't translate, but you can use the menu above the reply box to add italics to text. And many other things, too.
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Old 01-29-2013, 03:32 AM   #4262
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Technically this is the first three lines of the book I'm editing, but it's currently got all my attention.

“Forty percent unemployment,” said my dad to my mom as he read the paper. He held up the headline so that she could see. “Look at that.”
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Old 01-29-2013, 03:59 AM   #4263
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Technically this is the first three lines of the book I'm editing, but it's currently got all my attention.

“Forty percent unemployment,” said my dad to my mom as he read the paper. He held up the headline so that she could see. “Look at that.”
I think it would be difficult to hold up a headline. Maybe this:

"Forty percent unemployment," said my dad to my mom. He held the newspaper up so she could read the headline. "Look at that."
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:01 AM   #4264
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I think it would be difficult to hold up a headline. Maybe this:

"Forty percent unemployment," said my dad to my mom. He held the newspaper up so she could read the headline. "Look at that."
I did not catch that! Thanks. I've changed "headline" to "front page."
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:03 AM   #4265
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Me too! Me too!

The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.


Thanks in advance! Reps will be added!
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:08 AM   #4266
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Heya PJ,

I like the opening except for the first sentence. Personally, think it would be even stronger if you started with "I've never seen so much blood in my life." Then the t-shirt line and drop the rain all together, (unless it matters later on) but that's just me. Either way, I'd keep reading.

~N
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:12 AM   #4267
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Thanks for the input and kind words, Neporsche!

The rain does play a part in the scene. I did try and integrate it into another sentence, but it ended up sounding way too cluttered.
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:16 AM   #4268
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Thanks for the input and kind words, Neporsche!

The rain does play a part in the scene. I did try and integrate it into another sentence, but it ended up sounding way too cluttered.
Well then let it raiiiinnnnnnnn!!!! LOL I had to ask, as I have a pathological hatred of including weather for no reason. Damn it, now I want to know why Nathan was screaming.

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Old 01-29-2013, 04:26 AM   #4269
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I think I might bump the third sentence up to the second sentence.

from

The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.

to

The heavy rain slides off my chin. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony.
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:26 AM   #4270
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Damn it, now I want to know why Nathan was screaming. ~N
He's got a wound and it's bleeding—a lot.

Damn, it's only three sentences, weren't you paying attention?
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:40 AM   #4271
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[QUOTE=P-Jay;7916069]
The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.

Maybe it's just me, but when I think of something sliding off of something else, I think of it as no longer where it was. As in "The hammer slides off the roof." The hammer is no longer on the roof.

I know you don't mean the rain slides off the chin and now the chin is dry, right? I assume it's raining hard and the "sliding off" is continuous, and maybe you're trying not to use a simple verb like "runs."

You might say a waterfall cascades off the rocks above, but I doubt you'd say it slides off.

Am I making sense?

Edited to say: Oh, yeah, forgot to say I like it, though. It's a grabber.

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Old 01-29-2013, 04:47 AM   #4272
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Wow, good catch.

That actually does make a lot of sense.

Now how do I want to change this...
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:55 AM   #4273
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All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.
This is a good start if you want to get someone to read more. I like how simply it sums up the conflict. I think the last sentence would read better as "But he got greedy and decided half a million dollars made the risk worth it." "The guy" is also clunky; even "he" as a replacement makes the transition smoother.
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:57 AM   #4274
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Wow, good catch.

That actually does make a lot of sense.

Now how do I want to change this...
Drips? Runs? Falls?
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Old 01-29-2013, 04:58 AM   #4275
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I think it depends. If it's third limited and 'the guy' is the narrator, then yeah, 'he' works better than 'the guy'. If it's someone else telling the story, then 'the guy' could be voice.
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