Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

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James D Macdonald

Re: ...

There's no problem submitting books written in UK english to US publishers, provided you personally are from the UK and speak UK english like a native.

It's when Americans try to speak UK english and get it wrong that editors shake their heads in amazement.
 

sfsassenach

UK English

Jim:

Unclear if you're talking simply about spelling [color vs. colour] other terms.

Don't you think if a UK writer submitted to an American editor and used terms like:

jumper
lounge
high street
bank holiday

...just to name a few...they'd be asking for trouble? A lot of editors, especially younger ones, may not know UK terms.

I've had short stories published in British little magazines, and always use use a British style.
 

James D Macdonald

Re: UK English

American authors who write faux-Brit often miss things like jumper and torch even while using colour and kerb.

Be consistent with the language you're most familiar with.

If the story is sufficiently strong, the British usage won't matter. If the story isn't strong enough, a translation into American (missing some of the fine points there along the way) likely won't help.

If a publisher buys the work, and they decide to translate it into American idiom, they'll hire their own person to make the changes.
 

paritoshuttam

Re: paritosh

Hi Gatz
I am from Pune (close to Bombay). Thanks for asking. Sure I would love to stay and follow this board. It is wonderful; one gets to learn a lot. Thanks to everybody and especially to Uncle Jim.
Since I am neither American nor British, the usage and spellings get mixed up sometimes. British usage due to historical reasons, and American culture has been pervasive in modern times :)
I am at ease with variant spellings but when it comes to usage--sidewalk or pavement, torch or flashlight--I can stumble, and worse, not even realise it.

- Paritosh.
p.s. When I reply to a particular post, why doesn't the subject appear automatically in my reply?
 

SarahjaneinNZ

Re: paritosh

Hey paritosh- just pretend you're an Underite. We borrow freely from both countries here- it's a pavement or a sidewalk or a footpath, whatever you like. :)
 

wwwatcher

Hi Paritosh

"why doesn't the subject appear automatically in my reply?"

Only a techi knows for sure. However, if you click the reply under their username their post will be at the bottom of your reply screen and then you can check it and copy and paste, which helps a bit.

It took me a few months to figure this out.

By the way people I'm a "mystery writer" and it was a surprise to me as well.

Faye
 

reph

Re: UK English

Paritosh, the subject should appear automatically if you log in before posting a reply.
 

pdr

Selling UK English to the USA

Sorry to disagree Jim but I have discovered that I can sell stories in the USA more readily if I've changed all the spellings and idioms to American ones. Some American magazines like the different flavour of a story from elsewhere and say so. Then I don't have to do a thing but often I can't sell my work until it's been 'Americanised'.
A children's picture book writer and illustrator friend tells me his publisher (a large multinational company) tells him to consider the American market when writing a young children's picture book. He must not show a vehicle on the left side of a road or draw local houses or anything 'strange' to the American culture and he is expected to include some small American mammals in his illustrations. This seems to have been going on for some time because a favourite picture book of my children was Pat Hutchins 'Rosy's Walk' -1968- and the American version includes the drawing of a gopher which does not appear in the original British version! And I do remember when teaching that it was a source of considerable annoyance to my English department teachers that American books kept their Americanisms even when published in our country or the UK but we had to be careful about buying cheap print runs of British novels because if they had been published by American companies then all the spellings and some idioms would have been 'Americanised'. There was a wonderous version of one of Stan Barstow's books that tried to turn Yorkshire expressions into American expressions with most peculiar results!
 

lwmurdock

Overused plots

via BoingBoing
-----------------------​
Strange Horizons, Fiction Submission Guidelines information page:

Stories We See Too Often

Horror Stories We See Too Often
-----------------------​
1. Person is (metaphorically) at point A, wants to be at point B. Looks at point B, says "I want to be at point B." Walks to point B, encountering no meaningful obstacles or difficulties. The end. (A.k.a. the linear plot.)

Tom Clancy's Red Rabbit fits this perfectly. I want to defect. Hey thats a CIA agent. Help me defect. OK Let's go. Yay we defected without a hitch... BAH!
 

James D Macdonald

Re: Selling UK English to the USA

I defer to your expert knowledge, pdr.

I do know that British books that are reprinted in the USA are often "Americanized," and that it's not often the authors themselves who are doing it.
 

James D Macdonald

A Scene

Okay, let's look at a scene.

First, the scene. Second, I'll try to explain word-by-word what I was thinking while writing it.

This is the opening scene from a short story. A bit over five hundred words, it goes three lines onto a third page in manuscript format.



<hr>

Mrs. Roger Collins stood in the visiting room of her home. "Mansion" would have been a better word. The sun shone in through a bay window flanked by French doors. Filmy drapes kept the sun from bleaching the delicate cloth on the circular table in the center of the room. Spiced air from the gardens gently wafted in.

Mrs. Collins was expecting her friend Mrs. Frederick Baxter. She had something she wanted to talk to Shirley about. Last night the strangest thing happened. Mary Collins had known for years that the house was haunted, because there was a window on the second floor that would not stay closed if it wasn't locked. But last night, in the misty dark of twilight, while entering the upstairs guest bedroom, she saw the translucent shape of a young lady, and the apparition looked at her and she felt --

"Mary, dear!"

It was Shirley, being shown in by Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins had retired at the end of the war, and he had been very helpful during his wife's recent illness.

Mary had the tea things ready, and the tea itself, a nice oolong with a great deal of milk and sugar, occupied their time along with the small talk of doings in the town. Mr. Collins removed himself to his study. He had always played the stock market, and played it well. The war had left him wealthy, still quite young, for munitions had been greatly in demand. The prosperity that the whole nation now experienced made his investments more valuable by the day, while the contacts that he had across the nation gave him insights that perhaps other men didn't have.

Now was the time for Mary to tell the story, for that delightful frisson, in the bright afternoon.

"I'm sure you'll think I'm being silly," Mary said, "but I felt such a feeling of sadness coming from that woman. It was like a palpable wave. I gasped and took a step backward. Then I switched on the light, and she was gone!"

"You're so brave," Shirley said. "I'm sure I would have screamed and run."

"I was too surprised," Mary said. "And it wasn't until the light was on that I realized it wasn't a real woman at all; she was gone. She would have had to come past me to leave the room, you know. I looked under the bed and in the closet, and in the bathroom, but she was gone completely. It was only then that I realize I'd been able to see through her."

"You could? What are you going to do now?"

Mary's eyes sparkled, and she sipped her tea. "I thought it would such great fun to have a seance."

"Are you quite certain? I mean, if you felt this sadness ... that can't be good."

"She wants help, the poor thing," Mary said. "This is an old house. After all these years of opening the window, she's finally gotten to trust me enough to appear and ask for my help."

"What does Roger say about your plan?"

"Oh, I haven't told him. You know what a stick-in-the-mud he is."

<hr>
 

James D Macdonald

Re: A Scene

<BLOCKQUOTE>
<HR>

Mrs. Roger Collins <span style="color:red;">[Our protagonist]</span> stood in the visiting room of her home. <span style="color:red;">[I'm trying to show an upscale life, also that this is a woman who's taken her husband's name. It shows a social relationship, and a social class.]</span> "Mansion" would have been a better word. <span style="color:red;">[A bit of countersinking there for the benefit of the deaf old lady in the back row. Perhaps this was unnecessary. I might cut this from another draft, or I might not.]</span> The sun shone in through a bay window flanked by French doors. <span style="color:red;">[Simple description, to contrast with the fancier description that's coming in the next sentence. I'm trying to build a picture of the room.]</span> Filmy drapes kept the sun from bleaching the delicate cloth on the circular table in the center of the room.<span style="color:red;">[Lots of adjectives in that sentence, eh? The sun -- our scene is set in California, and our theme is bringing light to dark places (revealing secrets). Filmy drapes are ones that can be seen through. A mystery is obscured, but will be revealed. A character will later walk through those French doors. The table is the location of the seance that's being planned; its shape represents unity. Bleaching the tablecloth suggests that revealing the truth may not be a good thing. That the tablecloth can be bleached shows that it is not white -- it's not pure. That's the secret again, the mystery that will be revealed by the end.]</span> Spiced air from the gardens gently wafted in.<span style="color:red;">[That garden is the location of the climax. The secret is indeed a "spicy" one. It involves adultery, amongst other things. This room is an important location; other rooms in the house are described far less fully. Here the room must stand for the others -- the picture the reader gets will form a template for the rest of the house.]</span>

Mrs. Collins was expecting her friend Mrs. Frederick Baxter.<span style="color:red;">[Straight narrative, introduces a second major (but not main) character.]</span> She had something she wanted to talk to Shirley about.<span style="color:red;">[Lets us know that Mrs. Baxter also is her husband's property, that we're in a certain social millieu. Tells us the character's name (by which we'll know her for the rest of the story). I say "talk to" rather than "talk with" to show what the power relationship is between these two characters.]</span> Last night the strangest thing happened. <span style="color:red;">[Straight narrative, introduces the plot.]</span> Mary Collins had known for years that the house was haunted, because there was a window on the second floor that would not stay closed if it wasn't locked. <span style="color:red;">[Setting the genre. This is a ghost story, in addition to being a mystery. The window is a red herring, by the way, but it will give our characters something to think about and something to do while the rest of the plot works out. It will also motivate our characters to stand where they need to be standing for certain crucial developments later.]</span> But last night, in the misty dark of twilight,<span style="color:red;">[Hammering home the darkness/obscurity imagery; contrast with the sunny day (though the sun is obscured as well).]</span> while entering the upstairs guest bedroom,<span style="color:red;">[Another important location, used in the run-up to the climax]</span> she saw the translucent<span style="color:red;">[The clarity imagery again.]</span> shape of a young lady, and the apparition looked at her and she felt --<span style="color:red;">[Oh, yes, indeed. Her feelings are very important in what is to come. But we aren't told just yet what those feelings were, because she thinks she knows them, but she really doesn't. I use the em-dash to show that the narrative is broken abruptly by the next bit of dialog. We're in third person limited, here, showing Mary's thoughts. The rest of the story will be in third person limited from the point of view of another character, who will be introduced in the next scene. This is the only time we'll be able to see our protagonist this clearly. We need to build up sympathy for her now.]</span>

"Mary, dear!"<span style="color:red;">[Dialog, breaking in on, and breaking up, that rather long narrative block we just had. Reinforces our protagonist's name. Reveals the charcter of the speaker.]</span>

It was Shirley, being shown in by Mr. Collins.<span style="color:red;">[Generally, it was is a weak opening for a paragraph. Shirley and Mr. Collins are major characters, but not protagonists. I don't want to take the focus off Mary Collins.]</span> Mr. Collins had retired at the end of the war, and he had been very helpful during his wife's recent illness.<span style="color:red;">[If I were doing this again, I'd have said the Great War rather than the recent war, in order to more firmly establish the time. That "recent illness" is very important, but I want to slip it by the readers. Sure, the clue's there, and it's on the very first page, but I don't want them to pick up on it yet. So, I put it in a weak paragraph that's also introducing Mr. Collins (the villain of the piece, as it happens).]</span>

Mary had the tea things ready, and the tea itself, a nice oolong with a great deal of milk and sugar, occupied their time along with the small talk of doings in the town.<span style="color:red;">[A busy, fussy sentence to show the frivolous nature of our main characters, and to contrast with what worse is to come. Reveals character, too -- these are tea drinkers (affected), who artificially sweeten their lives. The milk makes the tea very light and cool -- again the darkness/light secrets/truth theme.]</span> Mr. Collins removed himself to his study.<span style="color:red;">[Get him off stage, so we can get the rest of the plot rolling. "Removed himself" is affected -- we're putting on airs here. The sentence is otherwise quite plain, in contrast to the preceding one.]</span> He had always played the stock market, and played it well. The war had left him wealthy, still quite young, for munitions had been greatly in demand. The prosperity that the whole nation now experienced made his investments more valuable by the day, while the contacts that he had across the nation gave him insights that perhaps other men didn't have.<span style="color:red;">[More of Mr. Collins' character: "insights...other men didn't have" suggests secrecy (and he has a secret, oh my, yes). We talk more about the money he has ... he's nouveau riche. Perhaps he's a poser? I missed another opportunity to plant the timeframe here: Writing "greatly in demand in Flanders" would have done the trick. Someone who has made his money as a war profiteer is not exactly an admirable man. I'm trying to imply that he's not what he really seems, and is not a good person.]</span>

Now was the time for Mary to tell the story, for that delightful frisson, in the bright afternoon.<span style="color:red;">[Short paragraph, simple style, for contrast. The light imagery again. "Frisson" to show the class and style, and affected manner, of the characters. A weak opening on this paragraph, to contrast with the strong one that's coming, and perhaps make that one stronger than it otherwise would be by comparison.]</span>

"I'm sure you'll think I'm being silly," Mary said, "but I felt such a feeling of sadness coming from that woman.<span style="color:red;">"That woman" is traditionally the name that wives give to their husbands' sweeties. Sadness, grief, woe -- yeah, we'll have that in spades before the end. Being silly? Yes, that's how Mary thinks of herself.]</span> It was like a palpable wave.<span style="color:red;">[Mary speaks in cliche. This to reveal character. She's shallow.]</span> I gasped and took a step backward. Then I switched on the light, and she was gone!"<span style="color:red;">[I'm hitting the light/dark truth/secrets theme again. Also moving the plot right along.]</span>

"You're so brave," Shirley said. "I'm sure I would have screamed and run."<span style="color:red;">[An ironic comment, when we learn what really happened, and see what will happen. Sets up the climax for the reader. Also reveals character.]</span>

"I was too surprised," Mary said. <span style="color:red;">[You can say that again, sweetie.]</span> "And it wasn't until the light was on that I realized it wasn't a real woman at all; she was gone.<span style="color:red;">[Truth/reality light/dark knowledge/secrets. And a hint of the ultimate secret here. This sentence pulls a lot of freight.]</span> She would have had to come past me to leave the room, you know. I looked under the bed and in the closet, and in the bathroom, but she was gone completely.<span style="color:red;">[Yes, she's gone. If we want to talk about the young woman as being a character, no, she doesn't act in this story. But she's very important, as we'll see. It's important to me to show that she isn't really here, physically.]</span> It was only then that I realize I'd been able to see through her."<span style="color:red;">[The mystery will be revealed. I'm promising the reader that all will be made clear in the end. Making a deal with the reader -- go along with me, believe in ghosts for a minute, and I'll tell you what the reality is.]</span>

"You could? What are you going to do now?"<span style="color:red;">[Good questions. Get the plot moving.]</span>

Mary's eyes sparkled, and she sipped her tea. "I thought it would such great fun to have a seance."<span style="color:red;">[Good innocent fun. But toying with dark powers. All while holding that light, sweet tea. The sparkling eyes are for innocence. Innocence is one of the things that we'll lose when the revelation comes, when the light reaches the dark places.]</span>

"Are you quite certain? I mean, if you felt this sadness ... that can't be good."<span style="color:red;">[Listen to Shirley, Mary! Shirley is the reader's voice here. And she's right. It isn't good. But, if Mary doesn't have her seance this is going to be a very short story. So, holding the seance isn't such a very bad idea (waking the spirits of the dead, and possibly unholy things, isn't such a bad idea?) that we devolve into an idiot plot.]</span>

"She wants help, the poor thing," Mary said. "This is an old house. After all these years of opening the window, she's finally gotten to trust me enough to appear and ask for my help."<span style="color:red;">[Hoo boy is Mary wrong. That red-herring window shows up again. The rest of the story depends from this paragraph. It reinforces what's gone before, and sets up the rest. Very simple style, straightforward sentence construction. I want the readers to understand this one.]</span>

"What does Roger say about your plan?"<span style="color:red;">[Social construct: Mary is controlled by Roger.]</span>

"Oh, I haven't told him. You know what a stick-in-the-mud he is."<span style="color:red;">[But not that controlled. A deeply ironic statement, here, given what will be the final image of the climax. (Yes, mud is involved, and long thin things found in mud. Long, thin things that had been put there (stuck there, one could say) by Roger.]</span>

<span style="color:red;">[At this point we go to a linebreak. We never do see this promised seance, though we'll be told about it several times, and we will see a second seance in the same location with the same characters. The story resumes after the linebreak some weeks later and three thousand miles away, with a whole new character being introduced. Mary has a problem, a mild one. She wants to find out about the ghost. Working out that knowledge will take the rest of the story. We'll learn along the way that what she thought was her problem is nothing compared to what her problem really is.]</span>


<hr>
</blockquote>
 

Fresie

Re: A Scene

Oh wow. Yes -- that's writing

Thank you soooo much, Uncle Jim!

When I was younger, one thing about writing was a total mystery to me: how could one fill pages and pages with details and conversations and know exactly which details and bits of speech to use? Now I see Wow, this is just the best writing lesson I've had in my life, I guess, because it answers this question perfectly.

Heh, one can tell you're a magician, you treat a story as if it's a magic hat!

But it must take really a lot of planning. Do you plan and insert all these "bits of magic" after you've finished the first draft (or zero draft, whatever), or do you take your story theme and symbolism into consideration already when you work on the first draft?

Thanks a lot. I'm off for a think now. :head
 

reph

Re: Overused plots

Unsolicited feedback, just to show how far a reader's understanding can stray from the writer's intent:

I took the bit about the window that won't close as a signal that Mrs. C isn't very rational. She'll believe any New Age nonsense that occurs to her. The house must be haunted? Well, it's a big house, probably an old one. Things in old houses often don't work. If your window won't close, you don't call an exorcist, you call a carpenter. (This lady is wealthy, empty-headed, and bored. She's looking for some excitement.) Then she sees a ghostly figure - right, she's worse off than I thought.

I did understand that Mr. C is a Daddy Warbucks type, not to be trusted. "Playing the market" differs from serious investing.

"The sparkling eyes are for innocence" - I understood them differently. I thought they were for mischief.

While reading, I wondered how old Mary is. (I needed to know, in order to visualize the characters. Gray hair?) I'm guessing 55. Maybe that's too old, as her husband retired young. There isn't much physical description. The description that shows these women as fussy and gossipy brought up vague childhood images of my mother and her middle-aged or elderly friends.

More description or hints about concrete things would make the scene more real for me. When the visitor comes in, does she put her purse down? Where? Do the two women hug or touch hands when they meet? Doesn't Mr. C ever speak? What are people wearing?

I missed all the symbolism about light and dark, the round table, the sweetened tea. "Stick-in-the-mud" is a pretty good symbol for illicit sex, though, not that the idea occurred to me until I saw Uncle Jim's explanation of other symbols.
 

maestrowork

Re: A Scene

Reph, it is an interesting take on "what the author intends" vs. "what the readers understand."

Uncle Jim's point, as repeated before, is that each word (and every scene) must either: 1) move the plot along; 2) develop characters; 3) add to the themes. If you can do all three at the same time, great!
 

James D Macdonald

Re: Overused plots

I took the bit about the window that won't close as a signal that Mrs. C isn't very rational. She'll believe any New Age nonsense that occurs to her. The house must be haunted? Well, it's a big house, probably an old one. Things in old houses often don't work. If your window won't close, you don't call an exorcist, you call a carpenter. (This lady is wealthy, empty-headed, and bored. She's looking for some excitement.) Then she sees a ghostly figure - right, she's worse off than I thought.

This is exactly right. And the window is just a window that doesn't work properly. Mrs. Collins is, in fact, mentally unbalanced. That's her "recent illness."

"The sparkling eyes are for innocence" - I understood them differently. I thought they were for mischief.

This is also implied. It's a School Girl All American Nancy Drew Girl Chums Together kind of image. She's also doing something naughty -- she's planning to do something behind her husband's back.

Their ages can be whatever works for you. What Mrs. Frederick Baxter (named for the owner of the Baxter Building, where the Fantastic Four have their headquarters) does with her purse, and how she greets her friend (air kiss? handshake?) doen't move the story forward, so I skipped it. Imagine what you like, it won't affect the story I'm telling. She's named Shirley for Shirley MacLaine (believer in the supernatural) and Shirley Jackson (author of some spooky short stories, including one about a haunted house). Roger is Brit slang for sexual intercourse, Collins is a mild alcoholic drink. Mary is a very common female name, it also is the given name of both the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene (the prostitute).

Mr. Collins will speak, later on, when he meets the next character. Right now he's not important; he's being introduced to get him in the story, and moving around. He'll be on the last page; he needs to be on the first one. We meet Frederick Baxter, once, briefly, later on. He has exactly one word of dialog.

Stick-in-the-mud is also a good description of how Roger dies at the climax. There's a reason I used that phrase (which is also a cliche, further revealing character), as the last line of this scene. Last lines occupy positions of power.
 

Joanclr

Re: A Scene

That was unbelievable! I read the scene first quite casually, with interest, and it grabbed my attention. But I was blown away by the depth of detail that came out when you broke it all down bit by bit. I think for the first time I can truly understand the meaning of "having every sentence do something to advance the plot"!

And of course, after all the hints and teasers, I am very curious to read the rest of the story for myself and see how it ends up. Is it in print already? Or--is there some chance you will give us further scenes of the story broken down in this way?

I for one find this detailed explanation both fascinating and incredibly instructional.

Thanks again, Uncle Jim!!
 

qatz

bravo

jim. all that and a bag of chips, too.

a few very minor comments. the "mansion" sentence should indeed be deleted. i thought the age of the characters was rather definite as was; goes along with a certain social style. reference to flanders seemed unnecessary i thought, as we know the source of the fortune already, perhaps made more evident by schindler's list in the meantime. "Great" rather than recent would have helped, though. imho another detail or two could have helped, as reph intimates; but as this was but a beginning, they twern't essential. would be good, of course, to see more.

how interesting that rephah's take, quite different than jim's, would be so clearly parallel at root.

this is such good stuff. it makes mac's project all the more valuable, and now that she'll have to start over, it may even give her the incentive.
 

James D Macdonald

Re: A Scene

This scene is from a story is called "A Tremble in the Air." It's forthcoming in <A HREF="http://www.sff.net/people/doylemacdonald/murder_magic.htm" target="_new">Murder by Magic</a> edited by Rosemary Edghill, Warner/Aspect, November 2004.

This story brought in $370. If the anthology earns out there will be royalties, but you can't count on that. After an exclusive period, I'll be free to attempt to re-sell it to other markets that accept reprints.

No agent was involved -- agents don't generally deal with short stories.

I picked this one for a couple of reasons. One, it's a recent story so I do remember what I was thinking at the time, and Two, it's a sole-byline story, so all the word choices were mine, rather than a co-author's.

This is the final draft of multiple drafts, of course. The first draft was sketchier. The material needed to support the climax wasn't there since all the details of the climax hadn't been written. Material was added, dropped, and moved.

In the manuscript, the first page break came after "...during his wife's recent illness." (By that point I need to have the editor so interested that he/she will feel compelled to turn the page.) In the book itself, the first page break will come after "... at her and she felt --" (By that point the reader should be so interested that he/she will feel compelled to turn the page.)

Yes, it's true. You really do have that little time to interest the reader. Anything that doesn't move the story forward holds it back. Writing -- storytelling -- is an act of co-creation with your readers. The readers always put in their own interpretations, add things that have meaning for them, ignore things that they don't care about.

I've left two perfectly good explanations for the events in the story, one occult, one mundane. The reader is invited to play with them.
 

reph

Ooh, look, kids, I found another symbol!

That pesky window = unwanted openness; a secret that refuses to stay hidden; a crack that opens in someone's denial.

The House That Knew Too Much.

Graduate students enjoy this kind of treasure hunt, but it can go too far. Uncle Jim, you said yourself that the window is just a window that doesn't work.
 

James D Macdonald

Re: Ooh, look, kids, I found another symbol!

Specifically, I took the window from The Amityville Horror, where it was supposedly a real example of haunting, and made it mundane.

Meanwhile .....

A good set of <a href="http://www.bywaterbooks.com/mansub.html" target="_new">guidelines</a>. I don't know how good the publisher is -- they don't mention little things like what they pay -- but they've got some great guidelines.
 

pdr

Short story breakdown

This is really helpful, Jim. May I have permission to use the posts, with all the proper acknowledgments, on my next short story writing course?
 

James D Macdonald

Re: Short story breakdown

pdr:

Permission granted. Please provide URLs to my homepage and this discussion.

May I be so bold as to ask where you teach?
 

qatz

Jim

With pdr's kind help, I propose to reconstruct the summary of your work that MacAlStone made, then sadly lost. It will, of course, include your most recent work. I thought I'd presume to keep in a few rare gems by others, like pdr's most recent main post. I'll work on this with Mac, then send it to you for your review, edit, and disposition. This would be for the good of the cause. Is that satisfactory as well? Q
 
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