The Doofus Effect

I guess I needed to be there to get the full gist of your oh-shit-I-shoulna-said-that pain.

But I don't see this as a terrible faux pas, or even as a faux pas at all.

Am I missing something?

I think Rob wished he'd said something more than "yeah," at the woman's joke.

I often think of witty one-liners and comebacks after someone has walked away...

I think he thinks he came off as a bit rude and surly. And the reason he is posting about it is because in the past he has posted about his frustration that women don't behave in a predictable fashion, that if he's friendly and polite to one of them they might respond in a rude and surly way. So he is acknowledging that all humans have the ability to respond in a rude way due to a myriad of reasons, and not necessarily because they are responding to someone because of their gender.

And I think that's a wonderful thing to realise, and I think it's also lovely he posted to share this realisation (as someone who rather got on his case about it a few threads ago).

It's important to remember that people are just people.

i wouldn't discount it as a cursory exchange in her mind, with some of level of relief it wrapped up as cleanly as it did.

Sorry, Rob. But it reminded me of this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpNPw4H6_tU

Toothpaste said:

I think he thinks he came off as a bit rude and surly.

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Now he just has to be rude and surly on purpose, a few times, and he'll be on his way to being cured.

Oh, I thought you were going to add you dropped a S.B.D.* air biscuit on her in the elevator.








* Silent But Deadly

We all have clumsy moments. I had an experience on campus a couple weeks back where I was running late (and my car had barely gotten me to campus so I was pretty sure I was going to need to get it towed after class) and I had to run an obstacle course through a crowd of unmoving students out in the breezeway to get into the building. Someone who had just stepped through the door held it open for me for a few extra moments so I didn't have to put my armload of crap down to open it myself, but I didn't really notice, because I was mentally reciting the list of things I needed to do before lab was due to start in 10 minutes. The gal was very put out with me and took me to task by saying, "You could at least have said 'Thank you!'"

I felt like a dork, but I was also a bit annoyed, because in all my years of interacting with people out in the world, I've never called a stranger out on their manners in a situation like that where I was the one doing a small favor that went unthanked, let alone called out a professor out on something like that when I was a student. I had that "geez, I must be the worst person in the world for making her remonstrate with me like that" reaction, but then I got a bit annoyed and figured that maybe she was overreacting.

Maybe she was having a bad day too.

nighttimer said:

Oh, I thought you were going to add you dropped a S.B.D.* air biscuit on her in the elevator.




* Silent But Deadly

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I had to fly to a relative's wedding earlier this week, and someone on our very full flight was farting up a storm

Roxxsmom said:

I felt like a dork, but I was also a bit annoyed, because in all my years of interacting with people out in the world, I've never called a stranger out on their manners in a situation like that where I was the one doing a small favor that went unthanked, let alone called out a professor out on something like that when I was a student. I had that "geez, I must be the worst person in the world for making her remonstrate with me like that" reaction, but then I got a bit annoyed and figured that maybe she was overreacting.

Maybe she was having a bad day too.

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Hmmm...

I wonder; how much courtesy is one expected to extend? I actively try to be courteous, especially with people I don't know, and I enjoy it just as much as being on the receiving end of it.

In you example, I would never have said something, but I would have been dissapointed with you nonetheless.

Teinz said:

I would never have said something, but I would have been dissapointed with you nonetheless.

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I don't get that. Holding the door open is just something you do because you can - esp if someone was coming through with their arms full. Swings and roundabouts, no?

Had I been in the woman's shoes, I'd have assumed rob was just a tad embarrassed and rendered inarticulate by it. But that's probably because that's what happens to me in these situations.

mccardey said:

I don't get that. Holding the door open is just something you do because you can - esp if someone was coming through with their arms full. Swings and roundabouts, no?

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If by "swings and roundabouts" you mean; this time you've helped me, next time I'll help you? Sure.

Yet not acknowledging someone helped you out when they didnt really have to (which, imo, is a part of what courtesy is), seems strange to me.

Teinz said:

If by "swings and roundabouts" you mean; this time you've helped me, next time I'll help you? Sure.

Yet not acknowledging someone helped you out when they didnt really have to (which, imo, is a part of what courtesy is), seems strange to me.

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Sure, but noticing whether or not someone else acknowledged you is a slightly different thing, isn't it? If they didn't acknowledge it, would you be disappointed, really? Wouldn't you just assume that their mind was elsewhere? Opening a door is such a little thing, all things considered.

I admit, I do get the hump when I hold a door open for someone and they don't even acknowledge it. I don't do it for the thanks, but it seems polite to recognise when someone has done something for you that they didn't have to do. But then, I am British.

crunchyblanket said:

I admit, I do get the hump when I hold a door open for someone and they don't even acknowledge it. I don't do it for the thanks, but it seems polite to recognise when someone has done something for you that they didn't have to do. But then, I am British.

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Oh, fair enough. I'm Australian and we don't have manners. But we do have doors and we just sort of hold them open. As far as I know.

mccardey said:

Sure, but noticing whether or not someone else acknowledged you is a slightly different thing, isn't it?

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Okay, perhaps it is.

mccardey said:

If they didn't acknowledge it, would you be disappointed, really? Wouldn't you just assume that their mind was elsewhere? Opening a door is such a little thing, all things considered.

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You're right, it is a triviality and I wouldn't be terribly dissapointed. I'd never even voice that dissapointment, beause that would be uncourteous of me. But still, yeah, it would be a small letdown to me.

Btw, Roxxsmom, I'm not trying to dis you or anything.

The thing that gives me the irrits is when I hold open the door for someone and a whole bunch of people march through as if that's my job. I have been known to say things under those circumstances. One day I'll let the door go. (Only if I've gone through it at that point, obvs. Otherwise I'd be stuck on the wrong side with a bunch of people I'd just scolded for having no manners.)

mccardey said:

Oh, fair enough. I'm Australian and we don't have manners. But we do have doors and we just sort of hold them open. As far as I know.

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Haha, it's not a matter of manners (I had heard you Aussies had them but wasn't sure if it was a myth ) so much as 'slavish adherence to outdated rules of politeness, whether or not they're sensible or relevant' which marks out the British attitude to door-holding.

crunchyblanket said:

Haha, it's not a matter of manners (I had heard you Aussies had them but wasn't sure if it was a myth ) so much as 'slavish adherence to outdated rules of politeness, whether or not they're sensible or relevant' which marks out the British attitude to door-holding.

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Occurs to me we might just like holding doors open because of having been a nation of convicts. We're probably just subconsciously always on the lookout for an escape

mccardey said:

Occurs to me we might just like holding doors open because of having been a nation of convicts. We're probably just subconsciously always on the lookout for an escape

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McCardey, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Teinz said:

If by "swings and roundabouts" you mean; this time you've helped me, next time I'll help you? Sure.

Yet not acknowledging someone helped you out when they didnt really have to (which, imo, is a part of what courtesy is), seems strange to me.

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They didn't have to help you, but they weren't asked to, either.

When I lived in California, some guy had apparently held the door open for me. I don't even remember, because I had just woken up and wasn't paying attention. He was all sarcastic, like, "That's a great way to react when someone does that for you! That's classy!" and sounded all pissed. I was like, wow, what a baby! I would have been perfectly capable of getting through the door without him holding it for me, so it's not like he really helped me out that much. I didn't want or need him to do it, and I didn't ask him to. Had I noticed it and said thank you, it would have only been as a reflex, and not because I actually have a shit what he did.

My feeling is, if you're going to be that upset for not getting a thank you over such a stupid little thing, then don't do it.

Teinz said:

If by "swings and roundabouts" you mean; this time you've helped me, next time I'll help you? Sure.

Yet not acknowledging someone helped you out when they didnt really have to (which, imo, is a part of what courtesy is), seems strange to me.

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And it's not characteristic for me either. But I was completely frazzled from having car trouble on the way to work and very distracted because I was in the middle of mentally organizing and revising the list of things I had to do to get ready for class.

My point is, when someone behaves in a way that seems rude, we tend to assume it's because that person IS a rude boor. But sometimes (maybe most of the time) we may be catching a person at a bad moment.

mccardey said:

Occurs to me we might just like holding doors open because of having been a nation of convicts. We're probably just subconsciously always on the lookout for an escape

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Ha!

Here in the US, manners are all over the place. I usually try to err on the side of courtesy myself, but I also am one of those people who can get hyperfocused and literally walk by my own mother on the street without recognizing her if I'm lost in thought.

Celia Cyanide said:

They didn't have to help you, but they weren't asked to, either.

When I lived in California, some guy had apparently held the door open for me. I don't even remember, because I had just woken up and wasn't paying attention. He was all sarcastic, like, "That's a great way to react when someone does that for you! That's classy!" and sounded all pissed. I was like, wow, what a baby! I would have been perfectly capable of getting through the door without him holding it for me, so it's not like he really helped me out that much. I didn't want or need him to do it, and I didn't ask him to. Had I noticed it and said thank you, it would have only been as a reflex, and not because I actually have a shit what he did.

My feeling is, if you're going to be that upset for not getting a thank you over such a stupid little thing, then don't do it.

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Comforting to know I'm not the only person in the world who gets taken to task by total strangers. There have been times when I've wondered if I have a flashing neon sign that says, "Don't let her get away with any of the small oversights normal folks do every day."

Or maybe it's a CA thing.