This is...Holy! (Reflecting on the Journey to OUT)

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KTC

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I just wrote out my life story in a post and then thought better of it. I'm just really struggling right now. Hi, all...
 
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KTC

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That wasn't enough. I went from deleting the whole life story to saying nothing.
 

KTC

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Thanks. I could use those.

How did I get to be 48 years old? I feel like I'm 12, mostly. Ack. I wish I knew how to stop this ride...
 

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PS: I'm really probably about as happy as I have ever been. That's a total paradox.
 

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It's very weird, being alive. :D

My sense of it would be: treat your body like it's 48 and your heart like it's 12.
 

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Good advice. I've been spoiling myself all year. As a reward for the hellish three years which preceded it.

I'm just finding that the very end of the journey is harder than the rest of it combined. I don't know why?
 

thedark

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Good advice. I've been spoiling myself all year. As a reward for the hellish three years which preceded it.

I'm just finding that the very end of the journey is harder than the rest of it combined. I don't know why?

Hope you aren't implying that 50's the end of the journey. Grin. I plan to hit 89. Well, perhaps 86. 89 is just bonus points.

And hi. :)
 

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Well, the trip never stops until the end, you know?

I totally get the Happiness irony. I have more access to more brain cells and systems now than ever before. I'm more Me all the time.

But that doesn't mean that life gets easy. There's still stupid days and challenging circumstances coming my way. So I'm agreeing with myself to meet those days and situations with as much of myself as I have at the moment.

Like, the meme-ish, rhetorical shortcuts are all gone. Now I'm playing the game all on my own merits. When I succeed: I'm a super star! :banana:

(And when I fail: I'm ordinary. ;) So that's fine too.).

Hard, both-hands-on-the-wheel days are as temporary as autopilot ones.
 

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No. Life isn't over at 50. I was referring to my journey to #AuthenticSelf <<it's so trendy, it needed a hashtag. (-:

I went from married 25 years, to cuckold, to dealing with childhood sexual abuse trauma, to coming out...to now, where I am ALMOST fully out and in an extremely happy relationship. Things are settling down in my new authenticself life. And I am also feeling like things are at their hardest right now...like, as my journey pulls up to the bumper of authenticity I am at my most vulnerable.
 

thedark

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No. Life isn't over at 50. I was referring to my journey to #AuthenticSelf <<it's so trendy, it needed a hashtag. (-:

I went from married 25 years, to cuckold, to dealing with childhood sexual abuse trauma, to coming out...to now, where I am ALMOST fully out and in an extremely happy relationship. Things are settling down in my new authenticself life. And I am also feeling like things are at their hardest right now...like, as my journey pulls up to the bumper of authenticity I am at my most vulnerable.

I'm glad you're here, because you've clearly got a good knack for writing. I felt like I was just swept away on a mini-life journey with you in that paragraph. Well done. :)

And I'm happy for you, and I see the challenge you mean. Hardest, most vulnerable time, yet also so good, isn't it?

When you're ready, I'd love to hear that life story. Or if it's elsewhere on the forums, send me towards it?
 

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Thank you. It IS so good. It is amazing. I feel more alive now than I ever did. Therapy is an amazing thing. (-: It's a long long story that has more curves than the letter s and the number 3 combined. (-; I'm just grateful I stuck around to be at this place in my life. I almost didn't make it...
 

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*hugs* No matter how well we deal with these things, they'll still be there to be dealt with. There'll be good days and bad days. You've already achieved a lot.

It can be scary when things are going well. I know a lot of the time when I'm happy I catch myself wondering if another life-ruining event's round the corner, but I try and tell myself that I deserve to enjoy it. You do too.

If you ever need to vent to a stranger, feel free to message me.
 

KTC

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*hugs* No matter how well we deal with these things, they'll still be there to be dealt with. There'll be good days and bad days. You've already achieved a lot.

It can be scary when things are going well. I know a lot of the time when I'm happy I catch myself wondering if another life-ruining event's round the corner, but I try and tell myself that I deserve to enjoy it. You do too.

If you ever need to vent to a stranger, feel free to message me.

Thank you SO very much. Yeah, and I'm understanding now, as a survivor, that happiness is one of the biggest hurdles. We feel uncomfortable with that emotion. I guess the overwhelming feeling comes from taking on both big life things at once. I've lost a lot of people in my life recently. More to the sexual abuse issue than to the homosexuality issue. Just readjusting to this new me. Again, holy! (-:
 

Anna_Hedley

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It sounds like you're better off without those people in your life, as hard as it may be.
 

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Just wanted to add something, maybe as a point of discussion.

I thought telling people was hard. But then I got to this comfort level...but I realized I was more comfortable with them seeing it as a concept than seeing me in a relationship. It's like coming out all over again when I try to deal with being in a relationship and telling people. There comes this point where I just want to share my happiness. But please understand, my brain is retarded in the 1983 concept of gay. I got beat up a LOT in high school...just for being a suspected 'fag'. And it was even worse going home every day. So, with this personal self-hatred seething on the inside...based in this 1980s brain-freeze...I'm finding it hard to go from out to with someone. Like people who were okay with me being out are going to suddenly writhe in shock at the concept of me ACTUALLY acting on things. Concept to reality. There is a door locked in front of me and no key...
 

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Just wanted to add something, maybe as a point of discussion.

I thought telling people was hard. But then I got to this comfort level...but I realized I was more comfortable with them seeing it as a concept than seeing me in a relationship. It's like coming out all over again when I try to deal with being in a relationship and telling people. There comes this point where I just want to share my happiness. But please understand, my brain is retarded in the 1983 concept of gay. I got beat up a LOT in high school...just for being a suspected 'fag'. And it was even worse going home every day. So, with this personal self-hatred seething on the inside...based in this 1980s brain-freeze...I'm finding it hard to go from out to with someone. Like people who were okay with me being out are going to suddenly writhe in shock at the concept of me ACTUALLY acting on things. Concept to reality. There is a door locked in front of me and no key...

And add to this that, especially in the beginning of a relationship, privacy is a real thing. You'll be sitting on a balance point for a while. And that's OK. Disclose as it feels natural ('he so totally gets me - and stays anyway!' :D ), and don't push yourself into conversations that feel unnatural. You have a right to be Together and Open, but you also have a right to your Privacy as a couple. Work it out together.



Women I went for wouldn't be Out with me in the 80s and 90s. They had a lot to lose. And I got that. Which is why those of us who are Safe-and-Able need to continue taking the initiative to change our cultural framework (while continuing to understand and support the peeps who are NOT Safe-and-Able to be open in their circumstances).

I want the young people around me to have 100% less drama and stress in this regard.
 

KTC

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Wonderful post! Thank you. And I feel the need to make things better for those behind me. With my sexual abuse, I went from thrty+ years silence to being an outspoken activist on the subject in just under two years. I see myself going in that direction as a gay man too... Time will tell.
 

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Just wanted to chime in with how much i love you, my friend. I do. *fill in with Big hugs and special, important words i can't think of*
 

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48, eh? Guess what, at fifty ma nature has a surprise for you. You'll get one about every 5 years there after. BTW, have the liver spots and the ever thinning skin on your hand popped up yet? No? Think of it as something to look forward to. Just kidding :)

Thanks. I could use those.

How did I get to be 48 years old? I feel like I'm 12, mostly. Ack. I wish I knew how to stop this ride...
 

Alan Yee

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I didn't get to see the whole life story before it was deleted, but I think I got the gist of it from the rest of the posts.

As someone who grew up and came out in a much more accepting environment than you (though sadly, it still isn't as accepting as many people think it is), there's no way I can completely understand exactly how you feel. But I feel for you, and I'm so happy that you seem to be in a much better place and have accepted yourself completely. I'm much younger than you (turning 23 next month), but feel free to message me if you ever need to vent. Despite what we thought when growing up, adults have their struggles too. (FWIW, I don't feel like an adult yet. Even when I'm 30 or 40, I'm not sure I'll feel like an adult either.)
 

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<snip. It can be scary when things are going well. I know a lot of the time when I'm happy I catch myself wondering if another life-ruining event's round the corner, but I try and tell myself that I deserve to enjoy it. You do too.<snip>

Word.

Only (my life actually having been rather uneventful) for me it's usually less waiting for the life-ruining event, and something more like: I have worked hard, and many plot-threads have reached a satisfying resolution! The romantic subplot has had a very nice arc! Why do I still have to get up in the morning, do the laundry, and manage ongoing depression and stuff? What, the journey continues? Haven't I arrived yet? And now I am wasting this beautiful happiness with my stupid depression and unresolved existence! Noooo, I must frantically be MOAR HAPPY and enjoy this happiness to the fullest! :cry: And then I too start feeling paradoxical.

There are so many, many ways that happiness can be bloody terrifying. Wishing you all the best with your journey, KTC. Happy or not, have some more hugs. :Hug2: :Hug2::Hug2:
 

Mclesh

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Kevin, I'm sorry I didn't get to see your post before you deleted it. I love your writing, and you are an inspiration. You're one of the bravest people I know and helped inspire me to write and share personal things in the hopes of helping others. I do believe as writers that our words matter, and because of you, people are thinking about male survivors of sexual abuse.

Anyway, just wanted to drop in and give you my support. I'm so glad you're here. I wish you all the happiness in your continuing journey of self-discovery. :Hug2:
 
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