[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

lrose20 said:

Hi, first time posting here. These are the first three lines of my fantasy WIP, would love to hear what you all think

When I awoke this morning to the ever constant clack of the train wheels on the rails , I knew something was different. I could feel it in the sharp points of my bones, in the warm pit of my stomach, that today was not like any other day. I assumed at first that this feeling would shake itself loose after I had woken up properly

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Welcome lrose20!

The main problems here are the waking up and the "today was not like any other day." Both are cliche. Agents have seen waking up openings a jillion times in their career. It's the worst period of time to open a story because it's so cliche. Stating that "today is a special day" isn't really saying anything at all. It would be much more effective to explain why today is different or show how it's different with a character doing something to make it unique.

I suggest starting at another point in the story with something fresh and engaging for the reader. I'd be willing to bet you can do a lot better.

Oh, you also need a period at the end of the third sentence.

Good luck.

lrose20 said:

Since my first three lines from my other novel sort of got glanced over, I thought I would also put up three lines from an older novel and see what sort of advice people have.

On any other day, the new fallen snow on my village would have made my heart lighter. Today however, my stomach was tied in a large knot at the thought that I might never see my best friend again."Zoe, if this is another thing about the Rebellion-" I began, as I climbed the short ladder up the tree house.

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lrose20, your three sentences don't seem connected to each other. The first is about snow, the second about the narrator's feelings of regret at potentially never seeing her/his best friend ever again, and the third about climbing up a ladder. Maybe I'm a bit dense tonight, but the first part of the third sentence makes no sense to me at all either. I've read it a dozen times and can't make heads or tails out of it.

I think you should concentrate on clarity of thought and zoom into the most important thing going on here.

Thanks for posting.

A couple of people have mentioned the whole cliche about "waking up" and "just like any other day." My question is, how do I start a novel where that is indeed the case? What happens is the story is completely different from every other day that the main character has been on the train. I can change the waking up thing, but I've no idea how to not state the fact that yes indeed, it's completely unprecedented.

@lrose20

Just start a narrative!

Don't tell us it's a special day. Show us.

So often the problems people have in starting their stories is they forget to tell a story. Engage us with interesting things happening to interesting people. Conflict is usually a good start point.

Oh, and see the link in my sig.

Drachen Jager said:

@lrose20

Just start a narrative!

Don't tell us it's a special day. Show us.

So often the problems people have in starting their stories is they forget to tell a story. Engage us with interesting things happening to interesting people. Conflict is usually a good start point.

Oh, and see the link in my sig.

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Thank you, that's very good advice. I know despite my best efforts that I struggle still with showing versus telling. And this is my first draft as well. Thanks for the advice!

Thanks for the honest feedback, I've gone back over the start and reworded the section and created a new prologue.

lrose20 said:

On any other day, the new fallen snow on my village would have made my heart lighter. Today however, my stomach was tied in a large knot at the thought that I might never see my best friend again.new paragraph "Zoe, if this is another thing about the Rebellion--" I began, as I climbed the short ladder up to the tree house.

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This is not bad, but it feels a little disjointed, in that I'm not sure you need the snow reference (the snow not being a particularly significant fact) right in the first line. Could you start with the conversation (maybe they could already be in the tree house), and work in scenery description during a pause?

lrose20 said:

Hi, first time posting here. These are the first three lines of my fantasy WIP, would love to hear what you all think

When I awoke this morning to the ever constant clack of the train wheels on the rails , I knew something was different. I could feel it in the sharp points of my bones, in the warm pit of my stomach, that today was not like any other day. I assumed at first that this feeling would shake itself loose after I had woken up properly

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PandaMan is 100% right. Start where something is happening and don't try to foreshadow the event.

lrose20 said:

A couple of people have mentioned the whole cliche about "waking up" and "just like any other day." My question is, how do I start a novel where that is indeed the case? What happens is the story is completely different from every other day that the main character has been on the train. I can change the waking up thing, but I've no idea how to not state the fact that yes indeed, it's completely unprecedented.

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You can make that point while events unfold, either explicitly or implicitly. But you don't need to explain it beforehand.

This is from a middle grade novel...

“Something ain’t quite right with Dubious Pickles,” Doc Jenson said from his pulpit behind his thrift shop counter. The string of bells announcing Pickles’ departure had not quite simmered to a whisper before this proclamation was out.


Doc, who wasn’t really a doctor at all, spent his days passing such judgments on the few customers still brave enough to subject themselves to his ridicule.

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KTC wrote:

“Something ain’t quite right with Dubious Pickles,” Doc Jenson said from his pulpit behind his thrift shop counter. The string of bells announcing Pickles’ departure had not quite simmered to a whisper before this proclamation was out.

Doc, who wasn’t really a doctor at all, spent his days passing such judgments on the few customers still brave enough to subject themselves to his ridicule.



I love this opening! You grabbed me immediately with 'Dubious Pickles'. I would want to continue reading whether it was MG, YA or Adult.

My only critique would be that you've used "his" four times in three sentences. Perhaps you could say 'Doc Jenson said from his pulpit behind the thrift shop counter.' Just a nitpick though. Great job!

KTC said:

This is from a middle grade novel...

“Something ain’t quite right with Dubious Pickles,” Doc Jenson said from his pulpit behind his thrift shop counter. The string of bells announcing Pickles’ departure had not quite simmered to a whisper before this proclamation was out.

Doc, who wasn’t really a doctor at all, spent his days passing such judgments on the few customers still brave enough to subject themselves to his ridicule.

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I'm not an expert on MG fiction, but this does not sound at all like a MG voice to me. It's too sophisticated. For example:

The string of bells announcing Pickles’ departure had not quite simmered to a whisper before this proclamation was out.

I doubt you'd often find that kind of phrasing in YA, much less MG. And in the opening as a whole, the order of events is presented entirely backwards, which makes it a difficult start even for adult fiction.

KTC said:

This is from a middle grade novel...

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I had the same reaction as BethS. It doesn't sound like MG. Outside of the character's names (Dubious Pickles is great), it feels a tad like legalese or academic writing.

My knowledge of MG is sparse though, so keep that in mind.

Thanks for sharing KTC.

I kind of thought "simmered" was the wrong word. For me that brings to mind a low level sustained activity instead of something dying out. On the "many his" question I'd prefer "the pulpit behind his thrift shop counter". That sets the ownership of the store, and everything in it is likely "his".

Otherwise, I thought it promoted interest, yes.

KTC said:

This is from a middle grade novel...

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I liked this beginning, but it doesn't seem MG to me. Maybe YA?

Also, I agree with Beth. It seems the first two sentences are out of order, or missing a word that would explain why you have them in this order.

Skylar W. said:

Here are my first three lines.

Selania Rivers pulled up to the Sherwood mental hospital and parked her car. She threw her wavy hair into a fresh ponytail and untied her sneakers, only to retie the laces seconds later. She was in the process of applying her third coat of nude lip stick in the past ten minutes when her phone buzzed.

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There isn't a whole lot happening right here. I think one reason I'm not being drawn in is the timing of these sentences. The retying and the lipstick in 10 minutes are two parts that jar me out of the "now" factor of the story.

This just might be a personal preference, but I think "pulled her wavy hair" would work better there.

P.S. Welcome to the boards Skylar!

Some things just don't matter in a story because they're either irrelevant, or inherent. Saying it was unlike any other day says nothing, because typically a story is being told specifically for that reason, so why add it to the story itself? We wouldn't be telling the story otherwise.. I'd avoid it if possible. As far as a waking up intro, I think it's the hardest thing to pull off because it has the same problem of being irrelevant. But if somehow it is, the trick is to avoid mentioning it happened, and paint the picture with a clever event that is more important than the fact that somebody woke up. For instance: My neighbor shot my pet rooster making me late for work again. <clearly this is about waking up, but at least its interesting and funny, and something happened other than simply waking up.

oops.. sorry, that post I just made above was in response the the person posting about waking up intros

Skylar W. said:

Here are my first three lines.

Selania Rivers pulled up to the Sherwood mental hospital and parked her car. She threw her wavy hair into a fresh ponytail and untied her sneakers, only to retie the laces seconds later. She was in the process of applying her third coat of nude lip stick in the past ten minutes when her phone buzzed.

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Personally I would read on. I think it’s interesting to have her pulling up to the mental hospital then go on to do some seemingly OCD activities, i.e. the checking of hair, shoes and lips. It makes me wonder if she is going into the hospital for her own appointment or to see someone else. My only nitpick would be the second sentence. Would she notice that her hair was wavy? I suppose that I can’t necessarily know that its third person limited from this, but it seems like thats the direction it’s going. Instead of pointing out that it’s wavy, which it would always be, perhaps you should point out what it is about it that’s bothering her to make her pull it up again.

Skylar W. said:

Selania Rivers pulled up to the Sherwood mental hospital and parked her car. She threw her wavy hair into a fresh ponytail and untied her sneakers, only to retie the laces seconds later. She was in the process of applying her third coat of nude lip stick in the past ten minutes when her phone buzzed.

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You're using a lot of words to state simple ideas.

1st sentence: Selania Rivers pulled up to the Sherwood mental hospital and parked her car.

We don't need a blow-by-blow description of this. It could be reduced to "Selania Rivers parked in front of the Sherwood mental hospital.

2nd sentence: I don't like "threw." Someone suggested "pulled." I like "gathered."

3rd sentence: Instead of saying she was "in the process of applying" her lipstick, just say she was applying it. And instead of telling us how many times she's applied the lipstick, just tell us it's another coat.

Selania Rivers parked in front of the Sherwood mental hospital. She gathered her wavy hair into a fresh ponytail and untied her sneakers, only to retie them seconds later. She was applying another coat of nude lipstick when her phone buzzed.

Just some suggestions.

Skylar W. said:

Here are my first three lines.

Selania Rivers pulled up to the Sherwood mental hospital and parked her car. She threw her wavy hair into a fresh ponytail and untied her sneakers, only to retie the laces seconds later. She was in the process of applying her third coat of nude lip stick in the past ten minutes when her phone buzzed.

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Don't you love all the attention you're getting for this?! LOL

I agree with others about the first sentence, but I think you could simply shorten it.

"Selania pulled up to the Sherwood mental hospital."

I also think about when to use both names, or not. It comes from my many years of reading Star Trek novels where the norm is to introduce a character by saying, "Security Officer 1st Lt. Jameson Landrough joined Captain Riker in the turbolift". That always seemed unnecessary and fake to me.

My first impression of the second sentence is that it should be dropped or replaced. I get the impression that you're trying to show either OCD or nervous behavior, which I'm sure would become obvious could we read further. To either purpose, I think you could come up with something more interesting for Selania to be doing.

I'm OK with the content of the 3rd sentence, but you're packing just enough into it to make the construction awkward. "of nude lipstick" seems to sunder the essential thought "applying her third coat in the last ten minutes". I think that sentence cries out to be two sentences. "She dug a tube of nude lipstick out of her purse. As she was applying the third coat in the last ten minutes, her phone buzzed."

Thank you all for the feed back! It's always helpful to see how others interpret things.

Hey guys. Tear it apart

Sarah took a hard elbow to the shoulder, knocking her sideways as a cameraman jockeyed for position in front of the prosecuting attorney on the slick courthouse steps. She imagined herself setting the cameraman’s toes on fire, but that would be evil. Instead, she slammed her heal into his foot causing him to jerk and scooted in front while he recovered.

Coralynn said:

Hey guys. Tear it apart

Sarah took a hard elbow to the shoulder, knocking her sideways as a cameraman jockeyed for position in front of the prosecuting attorney on the slick courthouse steps. She imagined herself setting the cameraman’s toes on fire, but that would be evil. Instead, she slammed her heal into his foot causing him to jerk and scooted in front while he recovered.

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This is real good. You have a character in a setting doing something interesting. Her actions even reveal her character. I'm liking Sarah a lot. I'd read on.

Sorry Coralynn, I tried, but I don't see anything to tear apart!