So who here doesn't have any kids?

I sorta wanted kids, but my husband was firm that he did not. He had solid reasons for it, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized my reasons for having kids were fairly egocentric and thus not good reasons at all.

Being a parent is a sacred duty. Every child should be loved; every child should be wanted. The amount of harm you can do to a child, psychologically, by simply not being there for them is too vast for anyone to take on this duty carelessly. You've got to commit whole-heartedly or not do it at all.

I'm scared of being old and alone someday, and I regret the distance that creeps into friendships when they have kids and I do not, and so our lives start to diverge. But other than those two things, I'm okay with not having children. My husband and I have a great life, and part of it is due to the freedoms we get in exchange for not being parents.

Also, the reason this Earth is in such an ecological crisis is due to overpopulation of human beings -- especially human beings in developed nations, where we use 500 to 1000 times more natural resources per person than in developing nations. The world doesn't need more of us. You can't even make the argument that "I am a smart person and the world needs more smart people" because there are loads of smart people in developing nations whose talents the planet won't benefit from because they'll die in childhood from preventable diseases or be locked in poverty their whole lives. The world has plenty of geniuses, and we're already wasting most of them.

Now, I'll note that the above paragraph is my opinion and part of my reason for not having kids. I'm totally okay with other people deciding that their lives won't be complete without children, and making that commitment. It's just that I have to admit that when I listen to the doom-and-gloom news stories about the state of our world, I feel a faint relief to know that I have not launched a child who I love into that future.

Have kids or don't have kids. Just make sure your heart's in it.

I want kids eventually. Why? I don't actually know. I have a handful of reason but if you pry hard enough they basically boil down to "well, because I think it'd be fun and rewarding in the end."

There's a chance we may not be able to have a kid (or kids) biologically, so we might end up adopting.

I don't think anything more or less about people who don't want kids. I mean, why should I?

Niki03 said:

One woman I work with actually cried (we aren't friends, simply co-workers) when I told her I probably wasn't having kids. Cried! As if me having kids in ANY WAY affected her.

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It does in a way though. It affects me too as does Cathy's, and Regdog's, and JJ's, and Veinglory's, and most everyone else's decision not to have kids as expressed in this thread.

Why? Because you would all make terrific parents! You're bright, caring, and have so many other good qualities that you would be sure to raise great kids. And that would be a boon to us all !

Society needs fine, upright citizens in each successive generation. Humankind's future depends upon it. Not that I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on any of you. It's just a shame in a way. Especially as there are so many lousy, rotten parents about these days raising spawn of the devil: Harris, Klebold, Cho, etc.

One more point. Raising kids isn't as involved and demanding as it may seem. If you have bad kids (and some just are!) then you are in for a time of it. But most aren't and they are not so difficult to raise. Still plenty of time to do other stuff. Write, go to school, what ever you like.

My 2 cents. Feel free to ignore it and despise me even more.

jjdebenedictis said:

I sorta wanted kids, but my husband was firm that he did not. He had solid reasons for it, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized my reasons for having kids were fairly egocentric and thus not good reasons at all.

Being a parent is a sacred duty. Every child should be loved; every child should be wanted. The amount of harm you can do to a child, psychologically, by simply not being there for them is too vast for anyone to take on this duty carelessly. You've got to commit whole-heartedly or not do it at all.

I'm scared of being old and alone someday, and I regret the distance that creeps into friendships when they have kids and I do not, and so our lives start to diverge. But other than those two things, I'm okay with not having children. My husband and I have a great life, and part of it is due to the freedoms we get in exchange for not being parents.

[...]

Have kids or don't have kids. Just make sure your heart's in it.

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I agree completely.

Snowstorm said:

I have many friends who're parents and most of them say if they had to do it over again, they wouldn't.

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That's one heck of a regret! I can't say I've ever met someone who has expressed that kind of contempt for having had kids. Sure, not everyone chooses to make the best of unexpected circumstances, but to wish their kids had not even been born...wow.

I guess I'm fortunate that having kids was enough to make me want them when previous, I didn't. Despite the struggles, I can't imagine staying perpetually upset because of my parenthood.

We wanted kids and tried for a few years, then woke up one morning and thought "Wait...WHAT? NO!" Gave it some more thought, then decided we didn't want kids after all and never looked back.

We're 33, married 12 years. Happily childfree.

Cella said:

That's one heck of a regret! I can't say I've ever met someone who has expressed that kind of contempt for having had kids. Sure, not everyone chooses to make the best of unexpected circumstances, but to wish their kids had not even been born...wow.

I guess I'm fortunate that having kids was enough to make me want them when previous, I didn't. Despite the struggles, I can't imagine staying perpetually upset because of my parenthood.

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I've had a number of friends confide in me that they regretted it. Of course, it was AFTER they'd supported me through the whole infertility thing, and the minute I said "You know, we're not having kids after all", they were all "OMG DON'T SERIOUSLY."

The thing is, they're all wonderful parents. They adore their kids, and don't have any hostile or negative feelings towards them. They just aren't happy with the life that comes with being a parent, and would have preferred to go a different way.

Cella said:

That's one heck of a regret! I can't say I've ever met someone who has expressed that kind of contempt for having had kids. Sure, not everyone chooses to make the best of unexpected circumstances, but to wish their kids had not even been born...wow.

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Like thethinker42, they weren't bad parents. They were good parents. If they could roll back the clock, they would.

Much better to regret not having them (and wish you had what would no doubt be perfect kids) then regret having them.

Hmm, yeah.... It just surprised me because I'd never encountered anyone who admitted feeling that way. But, I'm glad to hear that they are good parents inspite of it.

It's funny, I know one person who said she would have skipped kids if she had to do it over again, but oddly, her son was one of her best friends in the world.

Ken said:

Society needs fine, upright citizens in each successive generation. Humankind's future depends upon it.

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I wouldn't give a goldfish to a person who is utterly uninterested by goldfish. So I think society would support giving human babies at least that much consideration. Last I checked there were a sufficiency of willing parents.

Yeah, if we were having a people shortage, I'd probably ask you guys to take one for the team, but as it is, have a party - and do as you wish!

veinglory said:

I wouldn't give a goldfish to a person who is utterly uninterested by goldfish. So I think society would support giving human babies at least that much consideration. Last I checked there were a sufficiency of willing parents.

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Amen x 1,000.

Ken said:

One more point. Raising kids isn't as involved and demanding as it may seem.

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I weigh about 90 pounds. For most of my life I was around eighty or below. Physically, I think pregnancy and labor would be demanding and I don't really want to go through that kind of pain, or take that risk with my health.

Plus, I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I like reading to kids and playing with them, but not the rest of it.

Ken said:

Society needs fine, upright citizens in each successive generation. Humankind's future depends upon it. Not that I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on any of you. It's just a shame in a way. Especially as there are so many lousy, rotten parents about these days raising spawn of the devil: Harris, Klebold, Cho, etc.

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Our population is not lacking in numbers. Also, shitty people are not necessarily the result of shitty parents. Sociopaths can come from anyone or anywhere. Similarly, I don't owe the world a child because someone else out there is screwing up their child.

One more point. Raising kids isn't as involved and demanding as it may seem.

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Doesn't have to be. Being a corn farmer or an engineer might not be as involved or demanding as it seems either. That doesn't mean it's something everyone wants to do.

For me, personally, I can't think of a compelling reason to have a child. I don't dislike children. I'm not lazy, selfish, or a hedonist. I simply...don't want them, and I don't think children should be something people just "have" because they can't think of a reason not to. And I have been down the road of wanting them -- I went through four years of infertility hell, so it's not like I haven't thought about this -- but then I realized I am quite happy without kids. Having a baby had ceased to be something I wanted and ached for and lost sleep over. It had become a means to an end (of the infertility issues). I didn't want to have a baby, I wanted to stop sweating over having a baby, and once I figured that out, all the stress went away.

My first wife wanted to put off starting a family until her career was solid, but a couple of job changes meant it was always 'pending' - not that this was a bone of contention. After 7 years together she left me for another woman. She kinda took the future with her.

I'm now re-married and an 'evil stepfather' but the kids were adults before I appeared on the scene so there's no parent-child bond there. I'm the last of my line (only child of an only child) and at times it does get to me.

Originally Posted by Niki03 One woman I work with actually cried (we aren't friends, simply co-workers) when I told her I probably wasn't having kids. Cried! As if me having kids in ANY WAY affected her.

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She probably assumed you wanted them, and assumed you were unable to and that it bothered you. Just as it might have bothered her.

Nobody's ever cried when I told them I didn't want children, but I have been given sad looks, told I was missing out, would regret that decision, and die alone and bitter by not having anyone to love when I was older. One person stopped just short of telling me I was unnatural as a person because God's plan is to produce offspring and I'm being willfully disobedient by choosing not to.

My decision has ended a couple relationships. She wanted kids and I didn't, which meant for one of us to be happy the other would have to be miserable. That's not fair to either person, and too big an issue to compromise on. If she wants babies she deserves to have babies; if I don't I deserve to not have them. Now that I'm getting up in my 40s, it's easier to find dates who've already had all they're going to, or are confirmed in their desire not to have any. But the issue does sometimes come up, especially with the younger ones I've gone out with.

veinglory said:

I wouldn't give a goldfish to a person who is utterly uninterested by goldfish.

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I like goldfish, just to let you know, in event you might have one(s) lying about that you might wanna part with

I do feel bad for those who desperately want kids and are unable, for one reason or another.

I'm sometimes asked by people whether I have children and when I say no, the response is usually, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" It's logical, because I know I'm in the minority. Most adults really do love and want children.

I reply, "Don't be. I discovered early that I wasn't maternal and decided it would be cruel to have kids. I'm sure you know some people who should have stopped to think before they did." Usually, that will spark instant recognition and memories and the next response is often, "That was very wise of you." Another confrontation about my "duty" averted (which is often what I got before I crafted my current answer.)

On another discussion board, a guy with three kids once confronted me about my decision not to have any. I said I wasn't a particularly maternal person. He said that once I looked into the face of my child, I would be.

At that point, I knew there was no reasoning with him so I bowed out of the conversation, but I remember thinking, "Really? Is that how it's guaranteed to work, for every parent from Casey Anthony on up?" Because if I don't have that cast-iron assurance that yes, looking into my child's face will give me the traits I need to fully care for him/her, I'm not going to play around with another person's life and happiness like that.

Queen of Swords said:

On another discussion board, a guy with three kids once confronted me about my decision not to have any. I said I wasn't a particularly maternal person. He said that once I looked into the face of my child, I would be.

At that point, I knew there was no reasoning with him so I bowed out of the conversation, but I remember thinking, "Really? Is that how it's guaranteed to work, for every parent from Casey Anthony on up?" Because if I don't have that cast-iron assurance that yes, looking into my child's face will give me the traits I need to fully care for him/her, I'm not going to play around with another person's life and happiness like that.

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Amen. I've had variations of that conversation so many times it isn't even funny.

They usually end with:

Them: "It's different when they're yours."
Me: "So if it turns out you're wrong, you'll adopt them, right?"

Sadly, it is often the people who should have kids who don't. Well-educated, intelligent, creative, caring, optimistic people.

When I had my third and final child, one of my colleagues said, with a laugh: Good, I'm tried of all these people who shouldn't have kids having them. (We taught in a school system where we did see many young girls having children who prob. shouldn't.) Anyhow, I was surprised by his comment as I figured I was as apt to goof-up child-rearing as anyone.

Even if that's often true, or even almost always true, that there's some sort of alchemy when you gaze upon your child (which I cannot testify to - even though I've done it twice and quite like my kids) you can't live both lives.

If you have children, you'll never have the childless life again - in all of the freedom and the curiosity of what it would be like and the absence of the circus - even if disaster would take them away from you.

If you don't have children, you'll never have the experience of all its complications, hassles, and rewards.

It's a choice (I mean, except when it's not, of course) and nothing more. I can't imagine giving anyone a hard time for which way they go, since you very plainly can't do both.

I think I'd really have a difficult time being civil to anyone condescending enough to tell me to my face that I'm getting it all wrong.

Don't have 'em and don't want 'em. I've always thought like this, but recently a guy paid to analyse city demographics came into work to present about the changing demographics of Melbourne. It was all about how people (on statistical average) change throughout their life, and how we, as an organisation, could benefit from the data.

My main takeaway was that whenever someone has kids, they start struggling financially. I like my life way too much to want kids (as in I like sitting around and reading books in cafes and drinking tea), and I also believe there are way too many people in the world anyway.

Basically, I'm too selfish and I don't want to compromise my lifestyle. I feel like I would resent a child for changing how I have to live.