Reducing 'telling' in a single character story

Marilyn Braun · Dec 11, 2014

Hi,

It has been a while since I last posted on the forum.

I'm in the process of submitting my short stories and I've received some useful feedback which has helped me improve them.

One of my stories is uses a single protagonist and he is stuck in a closet for the majority of the story. If he leaves the closet he will die. Feedback I've received is that 'it has too much telling'. I want to improve my story but I'm not sure how I get around this. How do I avoid 'telling' when he has no one else to interact with?

Any advice on this is appreciated!

Marlys · Dec 11, 2014

Just off the top of my head...You might be using a lot of filtering words (I thought, I felt, I heard) when they aren't necessary, or narrating things (like how he got into the closet?) when they could be shown in flashback. Or telling us all about how the character feels (I felt trapped and I was scared) instead of showing it (I pounded against the walls until my fists bled, my breath coming in quick, shallow gasps until my head spun).

But it's really hard to say without seeing the story. Can you post it (or the opening if it's very long) in SYW?

stephenf · Dec 11, 2014

hi
I like to write sort stories In the first person . Personally, I find the show don't tell mantra restrictive and not totally true . However , you do need to develop flow inducing writing that is engaging and lively. Write in the positive and describe things, not just telling the reader about things >he pointed his gun at me.....or staring into its barrel like you'd look in to your lovers eyes .

Marilyn Braun · Dec 11, 2014

Marlys said:
Just off the top of my head...You might be using a lot of filtering words (I thought, I felt, I heard) when they aren't necessary, or narrating things (like how he got into the closet?) when they could be shown in flashback. Or telling us all about how the character feels (I felt trapped and I was scared) instead of showing it (I pounded against the walls until my fists bled, my breath coming in quick, shallow gasps until my head spun).

But it's really hard to say without seeing the story. Can you post it (or the opening if it's very long) in SYW?

Thanks for your reply

It has been a while since I posted here. Where would I find SYW?

sabindanjoup · Dec 11, 2014

Marilyn Braun said:
...
Where would I find SYW?

Here's the link:
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=26
The password is vista.
Hope that helps.

Marilyn Braun · Dec 11, 2014

sabindanjoup said:
Here's the link:
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=26
The password is vista.
Hope that helps.

Yes it does! Thank you!

I've posted my story, titled Five Minutes, if anyone would like to provide feedback to get around the 'telling' issue.

Jamesaritchie · Dec 11, 2014

It's true you won't get very far selling fiction unless you master show, and use it whenever possible. Show is important, particularly with emotions, action, and description. Show is the language you use, and just about anything that can be told can be shown. What does he do inside the closet? What he hears can be shown, his emotions can be shown, and what he thinks can be shown. Even the inside of the closet can be shown.

Marilyn Braun · Dec 11, 2014

Jamesaritchie said:
It's true you won't get very far selling fiction unless you master show, and use it whenever possible. Show is important, particularly with emotions, action, and description. Show is the language you use, and just about anything that can be told can be shown. What does he do inside the closet? What he hears can be shown, his emotions can be shown, and what he thinks can be shown. Even the inside of the closet can be shown.

Hi James,

Thank you for your reply. One of my other stories got the same type of feedback so I revised it. In that particular case, that story has more than one character and he is interacting with other characters and his surroundings. So revising (to me) is more straightforward. I have also revised a few other stories based on that too.

With this story (I've posted it in the SYW horror section because it is hard to explain) I'm finding it harder to revise, mainly because he is in the closet, all alone. One editor said that the character was doing too much 'navel gazing'. Which I agree with but given the situation - he is regretting not doing more with his life. I think that is a necessary part of the story, that is the entire point. He doesn't interact with anyone else inside the closet. His thoughts are all he has. I'm willing to revise it, I'm just stumped about how, without losing important background information.

Jamesaritchie · Dec 11, 2014

Too much navel gazing can be bad. I've never had a character stuck in a closet, but I have had them isolated in the mountains, sometimes in a cabin, and once in the desert. If the isolation is prolonged, I often have the character tell another story.in his mind. He has to be thinking about something all that time, so I find a story he can tell, and then find a way to link it to what's happening to him at the moment.

I tell it in first person, using all the show any other story has.

Maryn · Dec 11, 2014

James, I would hope you might take the time to critique the work in addition to sharing your own experience. I'd be interested in reading your line-by-line as well as any overview of the piece posted at SYW.

Maryn, who's been critiquing more lately

blacbird · Dec 11, 2014

Having read and critiqued a lot of manuscripts, I think the greatest problem contributing to "tell" v. "show" issues is point-of-view, at which a lot of inexperienced writers are just bloody awful.

Think of it this way: You're a human, you've experienced fright, anger, frustration, confusion, etc. Don't tell me you're frightened, angry, frustrated, confused. Describe what made you be frightened, angry, frustrated, confused. SHOW me. Make me be frightened, angry, frustrated, confused. Telling me you had these reactions won't cause me to experience them, too.

Now, extend that advice to your fiction.

caw

Marilyn Braun · Dec 12, 2014

Thank you for all of your helpful advice. I appreciate it!

Reducing 'telling' in a single character story

Marilyn Braun

Royal Bibliomaniac

Marlys

Resist. Love. Go outside.

stephenf

Marilyn Braun

Royal Bibliomaniac

sabindanjoup

Marilyn Braun

Royal Bibliomaniac

Jamesaritchie

Marilyn Braun

Royal Bibliomaniac

Jamesaritchie

Maryn

At Sea

blacbird

Marilyn Braun

Royal Bibliomaniac