Yes, thanks. I followed it, too.
For those who didn't, the issue relates to characters presented in third-person POV narrative. First-person POV is a different animal.
[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)
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Yes, thanks. I followed it, too.
For those who didn't, the issue relates to characters presented in third-person POV narrative. First-person POV is a different animal.
IMO, this works fine, though I'd really like to have a name for the character. I would suggest changing that third sentence out of passive voice by replacing "was kept upright by" with "stayed (or remained) upright through..." And I also think "which" should be "who."
ETA: someone suggested cutting "desperate," but I like it there because it's saying something about her situation, implying that while the horse is not desperate to keep going, she is.
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Here's a revised version of a prior post. Thoughts?
It was a typical Tuesday when Bob snapped. He was sitting in his beloved Laz-E Boy when he heard the soft but unmistakable sound of metal striking flesh. After a prolonged quiet, an engine revved and tires shrieked as the chorus of screams began.
It was a typical Tuesday when Bob snapped. He was sitting in his beloved Laz-E Boy when he heard the soft but unmistakable sound of metal striking flesh. After a prolonged quiet, an engine revved and tires shrieked as the chorus of screams began.
The third sentence comes too soon IMO. It should be the first sentence in the next paragraph. Before that, I would like more info about Bob and his reaction to the sound of metal striking flesh.
Cool! I'd read on. I think another sentence talking about the first two would make a better third sentence. JMO
Intriguing, raises immediate story questions to prompt further reading.
I think you can do better with this by combining the first two sentences, such as,
"It was a typical Tuesday for Bob, sitting in his beloved Laz-E Boy after yet another round of [insert high-stress situation here]."
Then, present the inciting incident (leave out the "he heard" filter and go right to the sound descriptions), followed by Bob's reaction -- and show him snapping (physical symptoms, distorted mental state, etc.). Mine it for all it's worth.
Hope this helps!
As for me, I am in the "named as early as possible" camp. If not a name, then at least some other characteristic I can latch onto while I follow him/her into the story. Simple pronouns simply don't spark my interest without an image to tie the action to.
Someone pointed out that Hollywood often opens with the unnamed character, which may have influenced the way that writers open their novels, and I agree. The person may be unnamed, but they aren't exactly nondescript, are they? There's a visual image on screen to carry our interest forward.
Writers don't have the luxury of film to fill in details for the reader. The words have to do the work, so the more vivid the image created in the reader's mind, the better the experience; the better the hook.
That goes for storyline as well. A compelling scene, well-presented, need not have a named character, but at least give us more than a generic "him" or "her".
Just one reader's two cents.
Yes, I did see the other responses, and I can't say I agree with them. There are many ways to start a novel and it's not because the author is "trying to make it start like a movie." Naming the character doesn't get you in touch with that character any faster or more effectively than identifying his/her hair color, or even that the character is a "his" or "her."
I think that starting with the name of the character (i.e. first three lines), especially the first and last name, makes the opening read like a query letter. It's impersonal. Strange that a piece of personal information like that actually is impersonal, isn't it? You don't know anything about the character. Starting with the situation, or even a movie-like "pan in" to a scene establishes the mood of the writing a great deal more effectively than the name.
And because the name is there, usually along with the age and/or profession, it comes across as the author intruding on the story. They've fallen for the amateur habit of cramming as much information as they can in the first few sentences. Why? To grip the reader? That sort of thing does the opposite. It keeps your reader at arm's length and doesn't give them anything worthwhile to catch their attention.
Mood is much more important in the opening than a name. What's happening followed by who's involved and then you can put a tag on those people as you go. Starting with the tag defeats the opening.
In my opinion. I just want to make sure that's clear because it often gets lost in these discussions.
I've never stopped reading a story because the author succumbed to the give-a-name-fast brow beating. But I've always taken longer to get into a story that does start like a query letter than I have with something that has more emotional impact.
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OK I started my last book with an unnamed character sitting on a horse observing a scene unfolding below him and I did it that way for no better reason than 'it felt right'.
This time I am starting the book by naming (one of the) MCs in the first line but I am concerned that I'm doing it because it's the second book in a trilogy and I might be making the assumption that readers will recognise the name and therefore relate to it. These are the opening sentences:
Jeren stood at the top of the palace steps looking out at the early morning drizzle. The thin rain glistened on the streets and houses of his beloved city but today he felt no joy in it. Angrily he waved away the slaves who were trying to hold a canopy above his head to keep him dry, preferring instead to feel the wetness on his cheeks in the hope that it may conceal the tears that could burst forth at any moment.
This time I am starting the book by naming (one of the) MCs in the first line but I am concerned that I'm doing it because it's the second book in a trilogy and I might be making the assumption that readers will recognise the name and therefore relate to it. These are the opening sentences:
Jeren stood at the top of the palace steps looking out at the early morning drizzle. The thin rain glistened on the streets and houses of his beloved city but today he felt no joy in it. Angrily he waved away the slaves who were trying to hold a canopy above his head to keep him dry, preferring instead to feel the wetness on his cheeks in the hope that it may conceal the tears that could burst forth at any moment.
The third sentence is pretty wordy Peter. If you could shorten it up and cut to the important aspect, it would improve a great deal IMO. Also, think about splitting it into two.
There are much better ways of saying "angrily he waved," and also with "in the hope that."
Thanks for posting.
Here's a rewrite from a couple weeks ago. I chronologically stepped back a tad and took a different approach.
Taria felt for a pulse, to make sure the king was dead, then smiled for the first time in years. The face of that miserable wretch looked like bruised blackberries, similar to the punishments he lashed out when she didn't obey his commands. She bowed and prayed for the eternal torment of his soul.
Taria felt for a pulse, to make sure the king was dead, then smiled for the first time in years. The face of that miserable wretch looked like bruised blackberries, similar to the punishments he lashed out when she didn't obey his commands. She bowed and prayed for the eternal torment of his soul.
This sets up some intriguing questions--who is Taria? what's her relation to the king? what punishments? what commands?
What I don't get, though, is how blackberries can be—or look—similar to punishments; that's an illogical comparison. Clear that up and this should work nicely.
She walks down the dirty street on her way to nowhere special. Walking is the only way she knows to quiet the monsters when they shriek and howl. She doesn’t know if they’re real or just real to her but she’s pretty sure she doesn't want to find out.
Very interesting. I'm not sure about "bruised blackberries." I just can't picture it since a blackberry doesn't change color when it bruises like apples or bananas. Maybe just "black with bruises?"
I'd read on. Something about the third sentence read clunky to me. I also felt "nowhere special," was a bit clunky. I'd delete "she knows," because without it the idea in the 3rd sentence pops more.
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The second sentence jars. I agree with the other posters about the 'bruised blackberries' but also you are comparing a face with punishments. Do you mean to compare the king's face with Taria's face after she had been punished?
Loved the third sentence and overall I am sufficiently intrigued to read on.
I like this better than the earlier version. But this sentence has issues:
The face of that miserable wretch looked like bruised blackberries, similar to the punishments he lashed out...
First, blackberries are already black, so I don't think that a bruised blackberry looks any different in color than a whole blackberry. You might say, "the bruises were dark as blackberries (or maybe plums?)" or something similar.
Second, the sentence is saying that his face looked like the punishments he meted out, but really, his face looked like the results of those punishments (which were beatings, I presume). So some rewording is in order.
I also think this would be stronger if you deleted her reactions in the first two sentences (the smile, "miserable wretch"), so that the third sentence will come as more of an intriguing surprise rather than just more of the same.
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Haha. I'm wondering if you really want to use the word unmistakable. I, personally, am unfamiliar with the sound of metal striking flesh, but maybe Bob isn't.
The last sentence gets a little sloppy, ergo, my suggestions.
P.S. I only just now — minutes have gone by — realize that the metal striking flesh was a car hitting a human, or a cat, or something else with flesh. For some reason, I thought of a metal weapon of some kind, or a piece of pipe hitting someone. I'm usually not so dense, so it must be something lacking in the writing, and not me.
Whaddya think?
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I'd love to see a more detailed show of the first sentence. Instead of smile, would it be more powerful if tear flows down Taria's face? Devine or human revenge? I agree the berries comparison doesn't work and you may be better off finding another way to hint their distressing past. Otherwise, I think this make for a good opening scene.
I don't understand the second line. Are the monsters kept behind the fence or in the wilderness or in her head? Cuz, it may work if they're in her head. Otherwise, how can one walk to calm the locked/free monsters?
Is her name known and will it be revealed on the first page? If so, suggest to name her at first instance.
I'm going to like this.
There's a lot of she's in there, though. Please give us her name in the first sentence. And change the last one so it is more in her head. Something like: Maybe they're real, maybe not, but yaddah, yaddah.
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This is quite an interesting start, but as others say it has a few points that trip us up. The comparison to blackberries seems forced in part because that's a long word, which dilutes the impact. And the second sentence is kinda redundant -- instead of putting the antecedent where it was needed, you added a verb -- likely you could hear it missing but didn't hit the right fix. The third line is strong tho there's a small inaccuracy -- did she bow as to a king, bow her head as to a god, ???
So I'd try something like this:
Taria felt for a pulse to make sure the king was dead, then smiled for the first time in years. The face of that miserable wretch looked like bruised plums, like his punishments when she didn't obey his commands. [didn't obey or disobeyed? not the same thing; be sure you pick the one you mean] She bowed [her head?] and prayed for the eternal torment of his soul.
Quite a nasty relationship and serious good riddance, all established quickly. Now I want to know how and why.
The set-up is intriguing, but maybe something other than 'punishments' here, that's more specific.
Also, blackberries are ... black so it's impossible to see even figurative bruises on them. Also, fruit doesn't much work in a violent context in my opinion (though I could see a comparison to blueberry stains, maybe). Something more visceral like bruised and bloody, swollen, etc. might have more impact
My opinion only, but I think it's more effective if you start with the hook - quieting the monsters - rather than just walking... Also, I found the sentences (though it IS only three) to be a bit repetitive in terms of rhythm.
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Thanks for the comments everyone. It's greatly appreciated. It's been a few months since I've written a lot so I'm still trying to get my writing legs back under me. Clarity seems to be the most obvious thing that suffers.
I must say I'm bummed about the blackberry comments though. Blackberries are an important part of the story. Their mention portends danger and/or pain at critical parts of the story.
As far as the color goes, blackberries only appear black on the outside. If you bruise em, crush em, chew on em, they're red, a dark red, a blood red, not black. Look at this picture here.
Picture of crushed blackberries.
That's the color I'm after. Mostly a dark red but a brighter red in other areas. Something that gives you the impression of wounds that haven't completely dried up yet, but also aren't brand new.
Well, the bottom line is if the reader can't connect with the image, then the image is wrong. I want me blackberries though. I gotta have me blackberries! Hmm...What to do, what to do?
How about if I spell it out for the reader a bit more. Something like this...
His face had the red color of crushed blackberries, similar to the wounds he lashed out when she didn't obey his commands. Or maybe even say the blood-red color of crushed blackberries.
Is that better or is it too wordy?
I must say I'm bummed about the blackberry comments though. Blackberries are an important part of the story. Their mention portends danger and/or pain at critical parts of the story.
As far as the color goes, blackberries only appear black on the outside. If you bruise em, crush em, chew on em, they're red, a dark red, a blood red, not black. Look at this picture here.
Picture of crushed blackberries.
That's the color I'm after. Mostly a dark red but a brighter red in other areas. Something that gives you the impression of wounds that haven't completely dried up yet, but also aren't brand new.
Well, the bottom line is if the reader can't connect with the image, then the image is wrong. I want me blackberries though. I gotta have me blackberries! Hmm...What to do, what to do?
How about if I spell it out for the reader a bit more. Something like this...
His face had the red color of crushed blackberries, similar to the wounds he lashed out when she didn't obey his commands. Or maybe even say the blood-red color of crushed blackberries.
Is that better or is it too wordy?
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Okay, if blackberries are important to the story, then I forgive its use here and would think back to it when next they're mentioned. (A good example of how crit on just part of a piece can be invalid!)
I'm going to like this.
Thanks for your comments and suggestions. They've helped a lot.
Original:
She walks down the dirty street on her way to nowhere special. Walking is the only way she knows to quiet the monsters when they shriek and howl. She doesn’t know if they’re real or just real to her but she’s pretty sure she doesn't want to find out.
New:
She walks down the dirty street on her way to nowhere special. Walking is the only way to quiet the monsters when they shriek and howl. She doesn’t know if they’re real or just real to her and she doesn't want to find out.
This is the beginning of a brief prologue. I deliberately chose third person present for its distancing. It changes with chapter 1.
At this point, MC is totally disconnected from everything including, or maybe especially, herself. She doesn't even have an actual name; if someone speaks of her it is just as "the walker". It's not a name or even a label, just the briefest description. There is a reason for it both stylistically and narratively.
Neither she nor the reader know if the monsters are real or just in her head. We find out together that they're a combination of the two.
Thanks again.
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