Dealing With a Partner Who's Not Interested In Your Writing.

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Niiicola

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My husband lets me spend as much of our (very limited with two little kids) free time writing as I want, never hassles me about hanging out with him, never minds when I disappear for hours with my laptop. That, to me, is supportive of my writing. He understands how extremely important it is to me.

He's read exactly one thing I've written, after it got published, but that's because I feel weird about sharing my stuff with him. I'd rather give it to CPs because I don't have to wait for/stress about getting their opinions in real time. He is awesome about helping me brainstorm plot problems, though, especially the action-y ones.

I do agree with the posters above that this sounds like a validation thing, and I wonder if maybe there are some other underlying insecurity issues?
 

Mharvey

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Thank you all very much for taking the time and sharing your thoughts on my post. I've read all the replies and I thank both those who have been gentle and struck directly between the eyes. As always, Absolute Write continues to be a place of unyielding, constructive critique and, to be honest, I've missed this very much.

Ironically, today, she brought up my WIP all on her own. She told me she's now read the first chapter - up to 11 pages. I told her to do me a favor: delete it and never worry about reading my writing again unless she *really* wants to. This suggestion was met with skepticism at first, but ultimately seemed to go over very well after a brief elaboration on where this was coming from.

I think many posters here hit in on the head - I'm sorta new at this serious relationship thing and my expectations were too high. In the future, I'll be more forceful about getting the time I need to write and that's all I will ever ask or want from her in regards to my writing. It's on me to figure out how to balance my full-time job, my full-time relationship as well as my new, extremely dense social life - all three of which are new as of about 14 months and, when thinking about it, are obviously the reason I've written so little this year compared to years in the past where I was single, working half-assed temp jobs, with my only social commitment being a couple of hours a week with my buddies.

I need to find balance, and the blame lies on me for this - not her.

Thank you all for the benefit of your experiences and - particularly some of you - giving me the kick in the ass I needed.
 
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mirandashell

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And well done to you for taking it in and acting on it.

We've all been there. Finding that balance in a new relationship is an important step and it's the thing that will often break first.
 

WriterTrek

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The main question that comes to mind is this: Would she be willing to tell you that she doesn't think your writing is very good? And would you be able to hear that from her? (If the answers are yes and yes, then the next question becomes "Does she know that?")

Some people don't want to lie and say something is good when it isn't. They ALSO don't want to hurt feelings or create tension. The solution is to keep quiet and hope it goes away.

Others are willing to hurt feelings and create tension, but if it's someone they care about then they have to worry that that person won't be able to handle hearing a strong negative reaction.

Maybe in your case none of the above are applicable. But it's the first thing that comes to mind.

Also I've often found that issues in the first chapter are the same issues cropping up throughout the rest of the novel. Maybe just ask her to read one chapter, instead of the whole thing? Reading an entire work is a big commitment, especially if you aren't actively enjoying it.

Edit: Sorry, I only read the first page before writing this post. I see the issue is resolved now, so grats and good luck to you sir!
 

OctoberLee

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I'm glad you seemed to have worked things out a bit. Relationships are tricky to balance with writing. I used to use my boyfriend as an excuse for why I wasn't getting so much writing done. After all, I spend my weekends fishing, boating, kayaking, going to parties, spending time with friends - all with him. Then I realized that there are those hours in the morning when I'm up and he's not... and those hours at night when he hasn't finished work yet and I'm messing around on the internet instead of writing...

Agreed, it's definitely harder to balance writing with a relationship, but hopefully it's worth it in the long run :) I figure the time I'm not spending writing, doing interesting things with my boyfriend that I probably wouldn't be doing on my own creates stores of fodder for my writing.

Good luck :)
 

wordpainting3

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Hey Mharvey,

Thanks for sharing yourself with us. I'm glad things are working out for the better now. I guess my 2 cents on the subject is that it seemed like there was a major lack of communication between you two. You said "she seemed nervous" about your writing but do you know why? Why not ask? It's one thing to assume and another to really know. Make sure she understands that how she feels about it is ok with you, and that you just need to know where she is coming from.

Good luck with everything!
 

kenpochick

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My husband's extent of support for my writing is to say "go you" when I'm writing. I've never asked him to read it, and I wouldn't. He's not a big reader and although we like some of the same books, our tastes don't usually mesh. For my day job, he couldn't explain what I do if someone held a gun to his head.

I also think it's putting her into an awkward situation where she is going to be nervous saying anything to you if she doesn't like your writing (Which sounds like what's happening) Why put her in that situation?

Even if she hates it, it doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. I HATE some best sellers out there. So what? Taste is subjective.
 

Verlin

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I just discovered this thread. I share your pain -- well, frustration.
My partner reads incessantly, was an English major, worked in publishing, and is supportive in a variety of other ways, but she won't read my mss. For one, she actively dislikes the type of novels I write and my writing style in particular, which is a drag. I don't need validation. I want an expert in-house beta reader and it used to feel as though she was willfully withholding that. Other factors: she once steeled herself and did a thorough edit for me, and then I abandoned the work (and therefore didn't incorporate her suggestions). This led to resentment. Also, she always has a queue of books on our coffee table that she's dying to read.
Over time, I decided to completely release her from any obligation to read my stuff. It was the only sensible choice, given the givens. All else led to pointless conflict. But sometimes I still grieve the loss of that which I never had.
So it's an acceptance issue. That's my take on it.
 

dantefrizzoli

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In my opinion, it shouldn't make a big difference. I was a little shocked to find myself in a relationship where my significant other was not into reading or writing really at all. Let alone reading my work, but that doesn't bother me. We both have things we enjoy and I'd be lying if I said I was fascinated with all the things they are fascinated with as well. It's hard to find someone who matches up to all our requirements to the T. She probably doesn't understand or see how much writing truly means to you. It doesn't mean you two won't work out, it's just something you will have to work through. And I'm sure she doesn't love every part of you 100%, she will have things to work through as well, it's part of being in a relationship. But keep the communication open. Don't tell us that her friends ask about the writing more than she does, maybe they're more interested, but maybe they're doing it because they want to appear friendly. Be open with her, in an honest and polite manner, and say "Sometimes it makes me feel like you don't care about my writing, especially since you don't ask. It's been a very big part of my life, so sometimes it just gets to me a little bit."
It doesn't mean she loves or cares for you any less, and it shouldn't affect the relationship unless you make it. You won't all enjoy and love the same things. That's fine- that's the best part. That way, you can have things you enjoy all on your own, and things you will enjoy together.
And don't compare your relationship to one of any other famous author or poets'. You never know how anybody elses' relationship truly is. If she cares for you and loves you and doesn't bring you down or try to discourage anything you do, you have nothing to worry about.
 

Gunzen

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My husband doesn't read one word of my writing. Then again, he doesn't read fiction. At all. He's just not into it. But he loves me, supports me, and lets me update him on my progress or lack thereof in my writing endeavors. He is kind and generous to a fault, and is the best darn dad in the universe. No one is perfect; no one can give us 100% of what we think we need or want. You have to decide if this one thing is enough to overshadow all her other fine qualities.

My wife doesn't read my stuff, but she is my soul mate.
 

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I remember talking to a young woman once, who was telling me about how wonderful her new boyfriend was. She was flushed and animated. She told me all his virtues and finished up; "and he can help me lose weight too."

I have published two books and about 30 articles. My wife hasn't read either of my books, but she did proof the first few articles even though she had no interest in the subjects. After a while I could see that it was like self-dentistry for her to do that, and I released her from any obligation.

Writing is your thing. To other people it's interesting for ten minutes.
It's enough that they know it is important to you.
 
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gingerwoman

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I do think there can be an element that's very like cultural cringe, if you know the person their writing can't really be any good. My husband of 17 years does not read my work.
 

JulianneQJohnson

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I don't expect people that I know to read my writing. I'm lucky that my fiancé does read it now but he didn't the first several years I was writing.

However, even when he wasn't reading it, he was supportive of me doing it. He just didn't want to read it, and I was fine with that. The stories I was writing back then simply weren't his cup of tea.

I think that there is little in the world more odious than being forced to read a book that isn't your cup of tea. It doesn't matter if the book is brilliant, if you don't enjoy it, it's a torture rather than a pleasure.

I have a question for you OP. Let's say that your girlfriend starts really getting in to filming long documentaries about how daisies grow. I'm talking 6 hour masterpieces of daisy botany. They are well filmed and contain every nuance and variant involved on how a daisy goes from seed to flower. They are excellently done, and all the local biologists are agog. Then she wants you to watch them. Did I mention she's doing a series of ten? You going to watch those daisy movies to show her how supportive and awesome you are?

Your girlfriends only job is to love you. You can't rely on muses in order to write. Write for yourself, and quit badgering her about it. She can be super supportive of what you do without ever reading a single manuscript. She's your girlfriend, not your editor or agent.
 

lianna williamson

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I'm really intrigued by this whole discussion, mainly because I've been happily married to a non-reader for 10 years and so many people seem so horrified by that. I always felt like I need someone in my life to be interested in what I'm writing, but that it doesn't necessarily have to be my spouse.

My husband has dyslexia and a near-phobia of reading or writing on paper (he reads pretty well on a screen, though), and I would never ask him to slog through the 400 pages of my novel. It would be torture for him, just like it would be torture for me to spend an equivalent amount of time building robots (his hobby).

Nice to see that so many folks here have had the experience of a supportive partner, in which "supportive" doesn't equal "artistic soul mate" or "in-house beta reader".
 

thebird

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You've gotten some great advice on this thread, and it looks like you're taking it to heart.

My advice: Don't expect your significant other to fulfill every one of your needs. My husband is my soulmate and best friend, but he has no interest in my romance novels ("sex books," as he likes to call them). He does, however, cook dinner and watch our toddler in the evenings so I can have some uninterrupted writing time each day. To me, that kind of support means more than an active desire to read my work.
 

Verlin

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I think this syndrome is hardest to tolerate when one's partner was, in fact, an English literature major, remains a voracious reader, and gives lip service to helping at the editorial level. In other words, she loves writing -- just not mine.

It takes time to adjust to this, and let go of any resentments and hurt.
 

ssbittner

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This thread is wonderful. It's important to realize that a S.O. may support you without being your biggest fan (writing-wise, anyway.) In my case, my S.O. prefers nonfiction and deals with eyesight problems, so getting him to read my fiction is a struggle. I've decided he doesn't need to read it. He's proud I write and lets me alone to do it, and that's what matters.
 

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Hi Matt, I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. Hopefully, you can find a resolution to the situation that works.

I think you need to make the distinction between disinterested and unsupportive. Just because she doesn't really want to read what you are writing doesn't mean that she doesn't support your endeavors. Maybe she is worried about being critical. Maybe she just wants to wait and read the final product.

Personally, I have never shared my writing with any of my friends, acquaintances, lovers, relatives, coworkers. That's why this forum is important to me. I don't want to discuss my writing with the people who are actively present in my life until I am sure that it is very good, and that will be at the point where my writing can be purchased at Barnes and Noble (and even then, I may not be willing to discuss it, which is why I always think that if I publish, I will do so pseudonymously).

I think you need to ask yourself why you need this sort of validation from your girlfriend. Obviously it would be difficult if she resented the time you spent writing, or thought that what you were doing was stupid or pointless. But it seems like she is totally supportive of what you are doing; she just doesn't want to be involved. Shouldn't that be good enough to put this issue behind you and move on with your relationship and your writing goals?
 
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