BS your way through

There is no way to do it tactfully. That's why you call an MD and make him or her do it. I call that "delegating."

I have not figured out how to subscribe to a channel on Youtube. Why is that?

Well firstly you can't subscribe online. One of your friendly Youtube drones will visit your house and have you fill out a 200 page subscription form. Then there's a waiting period . . . and then this part is a little foggy, but I think they Fedex you your acceptance package . . .


What are the steps to setup your own apiary?

The steps should be 3x5'. Then, invite bees. That's all it takes!

Bees like honey, life is ... (fill in the blank).

...sticky. And sometimes sweet. Often abuzz with activity but ever dormant when it is time to sleep, perchance to dream. Unless you dream of a bear who likes honey and has his head stuck in your tree to fill his honeypot. But that's probably better than listening to the Lorax speak for the tree to the little bear's wiggly rump as he tries to get himself unstuck.

If the Lorax spoke for the bees, what would he say?

He would say, "Stop smoking us out of your sophets and calling exterminators! It's cozy in there, and we will only sting you if you happen to be nearby!"

Pollen: why can't it target more wisely and avoid my car and outdoor items?

If pollen doesn't land on your car and allow it to reproduce, how would we ever get SmartCars and VW bugs? Overcleaning of cars and the resulting pollen depletion is what led to the end of the MG and the Austin Healey Sprite. Thank heavens the Minis are finally making a comeback!

Heart is to Led Zeppelin as REM is to...

Cottage cheese. Really, almost anything in life can be attributed to the 'cottage cheese equation'. Why do I have to pay taxes? Cottage cheese. 'Why are my eyes blue?' Cottage cheese. In fact, an entire lecture series titled "The Purposes and Pathways of Cottage Cheese" will be coming to an auditorium near you. Next year my own title, How to Win Friends and Influence Cottage Cheese will be coming to bookstores. It is expected to be a bestseller.


What the heck is Abe Lincoln hiding under that hat?

His towering intellect. You didn't think it fit under a normal hat, did you?

Why do they call it cottage cheese instead of house cheese, or home cheese, or castle cheese? Extra credit: think of a less vomitorious name for head cheese.

A cottage was the last place you'd expect to find it, and the first batch wasn't that big. As for the extra credit, that's easy ... jellied pig face


Why is the only gourmet horse dish Alpo?

Because horses don't like guacamole, sadly.

Is Equus just a play for actors who want to run around naked?

I'll check into that when I get though watching "Hair" for the 57648394th time


I need to take my great grandmother to a movie because she thinks they don't really exist. What would be a good choice for her first movie?

Take her to see "Titanic". It will help her bring back fond memories of the year 1912.

Who invented the phrase, "Kicking ass and taking names"?

That's easy! It was Chuck Norris. EVEN if the term evolved before his fame, it was because he went back in time and said so after destroying the forefathers of his enemies.

Why doesn't Lorenzo Lamas get the same street credit that Chuck Norris gets? He had a Hum Vee before they were popular!

NO!!! I will not tolerate street cred evaluations of lesser near super hero pretenders?


Why am I not in this conversation?

Because you have been BANNED from further participation in AW, including all forums, subforums, communications whether public or private and every other AW feature, present or future.

How come you didn't know that?

He didn't know it because it was imaginary. You dreamed it, yet it did not happen in the waking world.

What really happens if a moose dreams of goose juice and a goose dreams of moose juice?

The same thing that happens when a ram dreams of lamb jam.

How many shades of pink are there?

Seventy billion. That's why I can't find the perfect coral shade of toe polish.

Manicure or pedicure: which is more important?

That is all dependent on where you would suddenly like to develop a mysterious fungus first. Or if you plan on doing hand stands in your stilettos, in which case I would recommend the manicure.

Is coral still the "it" shade or is tangerine the way to go these days?

Avocado is the current "it" shade, with phthalo (don't ask) running a close second.

Why do the media go nuts every time a candidate announces that he/she is going to run for President, when we knew he/she was going to run anyway?

The media only have two modes...go nuts or totally ignore. You'll notice they haven't mentioned that tiddlywinks threw its hat in the ring. Let's be thankful for small mercies.

Would it be better for a candidate to endorse avocado, tangerine or (shudder) phthalo?

Coral with sparkles because then the media would react like squirrels and pay attention to the shiney superficial trappings, rather than the deep-seated, abiding hatred and seething rage this candidate has for all things matte and dun. Even just SAYING the words is atrocious! But they'll be banned soon enough. Soon, Pinkie, we shall take over the world...mwwaahahahahahahahahah...

-ehem-

Since when did my sparkly hat get tossed in the race (and it was the one I take to the Derby, too, dagnabit!)?

Since yesterday. Now you need a publicist.

Fritos or Cheetos? Which is best?

You might as well ask, who would win in a winner-takes-all slapdown: a cheetah or a bandito?

Well? Cheetah or bandito?

Oh! Tough call! I would, however, have to vote Cheetah, because they can run faster and thus catch and eat the banditos.

Burritos: why don't Cheetahs eat them?