Fan-Fic-in' for Jesus?

William Haskins · Sep 23, 2014

Exciting news from the fan fiction world! A writer who claims to be an Evangelical stay-at-home mom named Grace Ann has taken it upon herself to remove all the witchcraft devil-worship from Harry Potter and replace it with a more Christian-friendly message. Looks like someone has finally thought of the children — by stripping a children's book of the very thing that makes it fun to read.

"I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing, but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to," Grace Ann wrote on FanFiction.net. "My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books and of course I'm happy for them to be reading, but I don't want them turning into witches! So I thought 'Why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly?' And then I thought 'Why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem?' So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you!"

There's no way that Grace Ann is for real, right? This is an internet prank? In this Jimmy Kimmel world, it's hard to tell anymore, but so far, the only website calling her story (called Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles) "satire" is using the word for legal reasons. Never does it say whether or not the piece itself is a joke. Sure, it's pretty out there, but not so far gone that it couldn't possibly be written in earnest. Read for yourself!

http://jezebel.com/moms-evangelical-christian-rewrite-of-harry-potter-cann-1638274209

an excerpt:

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."

Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

"Well then prove it!"

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

Lillith1991 · Sep 23, 2014

What the ever loving hell? Really? Ok, and I thought omegaverse stuff got my goat. This just takes the cake.

rugcat · Sep 23, 2014

What a treasure! I couldn't stop reading.

But the real question is this: is it a earnestly serious attempt at Christianizing Harry Potter by a well-meaning and astoundingly talentless writer, or is it a cleverly written satire actually meant to poke fun at Christians and Christian writers?

I really can't tell.

On the one hand the author seems to be very sincere, and the constant quoting of Christian verses surely shows an extensive knowledge of the Bible.

On the other hand, some of the writing is too precious to be simply bad – it reminds me in some ways of Atlanta Nights.

I really encourage people to read at least part of it and weigh in on which they think it is.

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10644439/1/

Opty · Sep 23, 2014

Given Poe's Law, this Harry Potter "movie review" seems appropriate:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1199/potter.html

Xelebes · Sep 23, 2014

Argh, will it go past chapter seven? I need to know if any characters come across a dilemma. It's got to appear sometime.

Gretad08 · Sep 23, 2014

rugcat said:
What a treasure! I couldn't stop reading.

But the real question is this: is it a earnestly serious attempt at Christianizing Harry Potter by a well-meaning and astoundingly talentless writer, or is it a cleverly written satire actually meant to poke fun at Christians and Christian writers?

I really can't tell.

On the one hand the author seems to be very sincere, and the constant quoting of Christian verses surely shows an extensive knowledge of the Bible.

On the other hand, some of the writing is too precious to be simply bad – it reminds me in some ways of Atlanta Nights.

I really encourage people to read at least part of it and weigh in on which they think it is.

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10644439/1/

I have to take a break from reading that. I feel like I've been slapped in the face by countless, rudimentary adjectives.

The writing is so bad, I don't feel like I can criticize the writer for her yawn worthy idea of replacing magic with Christianity. This can't be the work of an educated person. It doesn't even sound like the work of an adult.

Haggis · Sep 23, 2014

Opty said:
Given Poe's Law, this Harry Potter "movie review" seems appropriate:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1199/potter.html

Fascinating site. I may be awhile.

Lillith1991 · Sep 23, 2014

Opty said:
Given Poe's Law, this Harry Potter "movie review" seems appropriate:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1199/potter.html

I especially love the bit about Harry being gay in that sites heading for the page, because you know, it Harry falling in love with Ginny and still being in love with her 19 years after the war ends makes it sooo obvious he's a flaming homosexual.

Not that I'm knocking people who have slash goggles, I've got them myself as fanfic writer who write mainly slash and femslash, but the goggle perscription at that church is ridiculous. It's one thing to posit what if question, but to insist on a characters sexualities as cannon and hence why you're a prejudice asshat who's gonna vilify something when the author states something completely different is beyond ridiculous.

SomethingOrOther · Sep 23, 2014

rugcat said:
What a treasure! I couldn't stop reading.

But the real question is this: is it a earnestly serious attempt at Christianizing Harry Potter by a well-meaning and astoundingly talentless writer, or is it a cleverly written satire actually meant to poke fun at Christians and Christian writers?

I really can't tell.

On the one hand the author seems to be very sincere, and the constant quoting of Christian verses surely shows an extensive knowledge of the Bible.

Sincere, where? Her italicized comments on fanfiction.net pattern-match strongly with "satire".

It seems like the most obvious joke ever. Let's just stick with the comments, because I don't want to be here all night!

1) A bible verse on like every other page. Really? It's not like that's even indicative of an "extensive knowledge of the Bible". I can pretend to be knowledgeable about the bible by Googling "Bible Quotes" and heading over to any of the numerous aggregators that pop up on the first page alone.

"And then God said, 'Give the pony all of the money, for humans know not how to spend money wisely, whereas ponies know too how to spend money wisely'" -- The Bible, chapter 1.

2) You've got vague, ultra-cliched details like: "... my life has been nothing but doctor's appointments and chicken soup ..."

3) It's lathered on thicker than peanut butter on a perverted dog owner's no-no region. "... and that's on top of all the other work a mommy has to do!" Who talks like that? Really? A "mommy"?

"ow! I know when the Lord is telling me something! So, here is another chapter for all you mommies out there, and all you non-believers spreading hatred-well-let's see if you aren't converted by the time this story's over =)"

Really?

Anyway. I'll send you my PayPal details.

DancingMaenid · Sep 23, 2014

Considering how common troll fanfic is, I'm skeptical of this fic's validity. I mean, it's definitely possible it's real. I was surprised to see a story about this fic posted to a non-fandom related "news"/commentary site I look at occasionally, because the fandom communities I'm in haven't been as surprised by the fic or as easily accepting of its validity. If it is a troll fic, I imagine the writer to see it getting some attention outside of fandom.

Opty · Sep 23, 2014

Lillith1991 said:
I especially love the bit about Harry being gay in that sites heading for the page, because you know, it Harry falling in love with Ginny and still being in love with her 19 years after the war ends makes it sooo obvious he's a flaming homosexual.

psst....It's a satire site.

:gone:

Lillith1991 · Sep 23, 2014

Opty said:
psst....It's a satire site.

Really? I've seen real sites like that. They did a damn good job if it's a satire site.

Opty · Sep 23, 2014

That's why I brought up Poe's Law in reference to that article and the one in the OP.

Lillith1991 · Sep 23, 2014

Opty said:
That's why I brought up Poe's Law in reference to that article and the one in the OP.

Ah, my bad. I tend to associate Poe with Edgar Allen Poe.

CassandraW · Sep 23, 2014

OK, the Harry Potter fan fiction MUST be satire.

The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!

Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City.

Of course, what do I know. I'm a fornicating Evolutionist. No drugs yet, but it's obviously a matter of time.

Haggis · Sep 23, 2014

I think I'm going to order one of them Heathen shirts.

Haggis · Sep 23, 2014

Cass, you look different. New hair stylist?

CassandraW · Sep 23, 2014

Haggis said:
Cass, you look different. New hair stylist?

*preens*

Thank you. Alleycat did my hair this time. I think. I keep losing track. I'm pretty sure it's your turn to style me next.

ETA:

Oh, I changed again. I'm pretty sure this is AC again. He digs clowns.

rugcat · Sep 23, 2014

CassandraW said:
OK, the Harry Potter fan fiction MUST be satire.

I think the astonishment at what I read temporarily paralyzed my critical faculties.

Upon reflection, I agree. There's no way this is real; it's satire and really good satire at that.

katci13 · Sep 23, 2014

No! This is SO funny. My favorite:

Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair.

Hermione has nice hair in this version! How wild!
And how backwards. Career women don't care about their appearance? Um...Lol!

I mean, it feels like a joke. At the same time, stupid people do exist...so I guess you really can't rule either out.

That said, I'm still voting for hilarious fakeness because of these passages:

"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat."

"I think you mean, 'We really are the most hateful hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly; and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"

and

The reverend clapped his hands against each other once; and then he spoke enthusiastically, "Now, you will be sharing most of your classes with other members of your Hat; so it would be good for you to get to know them now. Ravenclaw Hats, please gather around Mr. Moody. Hufflepuff Hats, please gather around Mr. Sprout. Slytherin Hats, please gather around Mr. Finnegan. And Gryffindor Hats, please gather around Mr. Snape."

Come on, seriously? That wasn't done on purpose?!

I can see places where people might think this is serious. And unfortunately, I do know someone who thinks Harry Potter is evil. But this same person couldn't tell you a single thing about the books. She would never touch of them for fear of opening herself to demon possession. (I'm so not joking.) But again, as someone who knows someone like that AND as someone who grew up in church and wasn't allowed to miss a single Sunday or Wednesday even when I was ill (not joking), it would be no trouble for me at all to channel that crazy woman and my bible background and rewrite Twilight into some crazy, hilarious hogwash.

In fact, I'm kind of feeling the urge now. Might be more tempted if I wasn't a hideous, makeup-less career woman with no time for the children I don't have. ^_^

CassandraW · Sep 23, 2014

If Jesus wrote fan fiction, he wouldn't use so many adjectives and adverbs.

Cyia · Sep 23, 2014

She does realize she's not the first one to think of this, right? There's an entire sub-division of Potter-fic for religious-themed stories.

Roxxsmom · Sep 23, 2014

rugcat said:
What a treasure! I couldn't stop reading.

But the real question is this: is it a earnestly serious attempt at Christianizing Harry Potter by a well-meaning and astoundingly talentless writer, or is it a cleverly written satire actually meant to poke fun at Christians and Christian writers?

I really can't tell.

On the one hand the author seems to be very sincere, and the constant quoting of Christian verses surely shows an extensive knowledge of the Bible.

On the other hand, some of the writing is too precious to be simply bad – it reminds me in some ways of Atlanta Nights.

I really encourage people to read at least part of it and weigh in on which they think it is.

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10644439/1/

It's precious in the same way the writing is in those little paper Christian comics some people used to pass around our dorms in college. Those certainly weren't meant to be tongue in cheek. And now they're on the web

Sometimes things are so awful they seem to be parodies of themselves. It makes creating a true parody somewhat problematic.

Because how are we to tell?

[edit] I really, really hope it's meant to be a parody.

J.S.F. · Sep 24, 2014

If this is a parody, it's terrific.

OTOH, if this is an earnest attempt to rewrite a well-known novel just to suit a conservative element in society, I hope this person burns in Hell.

Truthfully, I must be one of the few people out there who didn't care for Harry Potter or the movies or the countless 'Potterites' who loved the series. I'm just not into magic. Elementalism, yes--magic...nyet. Just the way it is.

The excerpt is truly God-awful. What would Jesus say, though? :roll:

Lillith1991 · Sep 24, 2014

J.S.F. said:
If this is a parody, it's terrific.

OTOH, if this is an earnest attempt to rewrite a well-known novel just to suit a conservative element in society, I hope this person burns in Hell.

Truthfully, I must be one of the few people out there who didn't care for Harry Potter or the movies or the countless 'Potterites' who loved the series. I'm just into magic. Elementalism, yes--magic...nyet. Just the way it is.

The excerpt is truly God-awful. What would Jesus say, though?

Something along the lines of, "don't link me with that!"

Fan-Fic-in' for Jesus?

poet

The Hobbit-Vulcan hybrid

Lost in the Fog

Delerium ex Ennui

Evil, undead Chihuahua

The Hobbit-Vulcan hybrid

-

New kid...seven years ago!

The Hobbit-Vulcan hybrid

The Hobbit-Vulcan hybrid

Evil, undead Chihuahua

Evil, undead Chihuahua

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creative genie

Rewriting My Destiny

Beastly Fido

Red fish, blue fish...

The Hobbit-Vulcan hybrid