rugcat said:
I really encourage people to read at least part of it and weigh in on which they think it is.
As requested, I read the whole thing so I could discuss it, and I hate you now.
For anyone who wants to know what it's about but doesn't want to wade through the seven chapters, I've summarized below:
WARNING: SPOILERS!!
Things are bad at home (on Private Drive) because Auntie Petunia doesn't wear makeup, dresses unflatteringly, and forces Uncle Vernon to make brownies. They're also scientists (evolution is a fairytale) and socialists who celebrate birthdays (birthdays are not of God—Harry verbalizes this, knowingly). They also leave Harry with a babysitter while they're at work.
Hagrid, a large fellow with a manly beard and coarse chest hair, arrives one day as a traveling evangelist of some sort. Aunt Petunia offers to educate him on several important issues, but he laughs in her face and then saves Harry's soul. Petunia is defenseless against Harry's holy energy. And it didn't come a moment too soon—Harry was well on his way to believing in evolution, trying drugs, and having consensual sex. Aunt Petunia offers to read to Harry from "The Dawkins," but Harry will have none of it. Yet, he does forgive Petunia for raising him and teaching him about science and giving him birthdays and brownies. Hagrid kidnaps him and, by praying in the street, transports him to Hogwarts, which is really where he belongs because despite the fact he has no idea what a Christian is and he thinks crosses are "little Ts," he can now quote scripture.
He meets Rev. Dumbledore, who dresses in a brown tweed suit and matching hat and has a virile tresses and a pointy beard, and Dumbledore's young, beautiful, blond wife, Minerva (Mcgonagall). By this point, it's clear this is not the UK—we're in the southern US. Introductions are made and then Dumbledore prays them all to the kitchen (God is basically Scotty from Star Trek). Then Minerva prays for God to set the table with the Sunday dishes and puts in their dinner order (biscuits and gravy, mashed potatoes, corn casserole, corn on the cob, and cookies).
Enter Hermione, Albus and Minerva's daughter (even though her last name is still Granger). She's beautiful and wears a becoming pink frock and bows in her chocolate-colored, carefully curled tresses. Everyone eats and Albus and Hagrid discuss "dark days" ahead and a coming evil, from which only the Hogwarts students can save them.
After dinner, Harry is tired. Albus tells Hermione to show him to the dorms. Minerva offers to the dishes that night—she does not ask God to do them for her. Harry is shy around Hermione because he's never learned to talk to pretty girls who take pride in the pretty face and nice hair God has given them. They speak little, but she does show him the boy's dormitory, then takes his hand and leads him around for bit, and then show him the dormitory again. She can't show him inside because that would create a scandal. Harry is relieved she is not a whore because he respects her as another man's future wife. She tries to open the door for him, but she is weak—but it's okay because Harry is a strong Christian man now and does it for her—well, actually he prays to God to open it for him. Hermione is impressed with his godliness.
As he begins to step inside, however, Hermione delivers a desperate message: Voldemort is an evil man who is trying to push laws through Congress to keep Christians from freely practicing their faith and so he can feed them to lions, just like in Rome. Harry tells her everything will be okay as long as they pray really, really hard. She thanks him for his courage, and he pats her on the head before saying good night.
The next day, Harry takes stock of his dormitory, which reveals a fireplace, age-appropriate books, a Bible, and school-appropriate attire. Then he meets Ron Weasley. The Weasleys have always been Slytherins—i.e., Catholics; they pray to idols and don't make their beds. Ron invites Harry to breakfast in the Great Hall, and despite feeling that Ron will lead him astray, Harry agrees (because he doesn't have any other friends) and sits with Ron and his brothers. Dumbledore appears—resplendent in manly jeans, a plaid shirt, and admirable cowboy boots—and prays to God to send them breakfast (God complies, but rations smaller portions out to the women folk so they don't get fat).
Harry questions Dumbledore about the different Houses at Hogwarts, Dumbledore says that everyone divides themselves into Sorting Hats. Dumbledore is a Gryffindor Hat; they are true Christians who believe in the bible. Then there are Slytherins who have different commandments for their religion and worship statues, but Dumbledore says it's okay because they love the Lord and that's good enough for him. Harry schools Dumbledore on how wrong it is for Christians to divide themselves and let other Hats into Hogwarts. Dumbledore says that dark times are coming, and they need all the Christians they can get. Harry assumes grownups know best and returns to his table with the Catholic Weasleys.
[The author has a habit of including scripture book and numbers (but no text) in the narrative and at this point, has started adding the verses to the end of the chapters.]
After breakfast, Harry discusses Hats with Ron (who, btw, eats his oatmeal with bare hands). Ron implores Harry to become a Slytherin like he plans to do, so Harry asks about their beliefs. Ron says Slytherin Hats have a whole book of guidelines about how to be a good person and a panel of Hats that tell them what to do. He says they also have more—more rules and more people to pray to, like Mary. Harry is aghast. He does not pray to the Lord's mommy, and therefore, Ron says, God hates him.
A filthy, vegan hippy (Luna) pipes up from another table that Harry should not be a Slytherin Hat because they are too strict; he should be a a Hufflepuff Hat. Harry hmmms skeptically and asks what Hufflepuff Hats believe in. She tells him their Hats believe in the bible, but only the parts of it they want to follow. They believe in sex and drinking and socialism (a lot like Aunt Petunia, apparently), but the only part of the bible they believe in is Matthew 7:1, which says not to judge. She also tells him they're really fun, nice, and tolerant as long as you agree with them.
She is laughed off by an arrogant young man (Draco), who says that Luna is a fool who believes woman can have careers (she's sooo much like Petunia!) and that women are stupid. Harry does think that's a mean thing to say; he corrects Draco by saying that women aren't stupid—they just shouldn't have careers because they should be in the home. Draco claims Harry is preaching a falsehood that women are not beneath men, but Harry continues to argue "equal but different." Luna smiles gratefully. Draco's fallback retort is that Harry is eating with Slytherin Hats and Draco hates Slytherin Hats. Ron cries in his oatmeal. Harry declares that he loves sinners (just like the Lord) and think all the Slytherin Hats should become Gryffindor Hats. Ron tearfully thanks Harry. Draco declares himself a Ravenclaw Hat, which Harry says is the most hateful Hat.
Harry finally chooses to become a Gryffindor Hat, and the Great Hall bursts into applause. A red and yellow baseball cap with a lion on the front magicallyspiritually appears on Harry's head, and Harry feels the love of the Lord surging through him. Hermione rushes in to hug Harry, also sporting her Gryffindor Hat, which has a kitten on it instead of a lion. She admits she was very frightened for him when she saw him eating with the Weasleys. Dumbledore also welcomes Harry into Gryffindor. As they sit back down to breakfast, Ron asks if Harry will still be his friend. Harry says that he will even though he can't abide by Ron's beliefs. Ron recognizes Harry's godliness and wonders why none of his own family is like that.
Dumbledore makes an announcement congratulating everyone on their Hats, and Harry hmmms about how Dumbledore isn't doing anyone any favors by humoring their choices. Harry decides to not speak out, however, because he is new and uncertain about his place. Dumbledore tells all the children that they will be taking classes with their House members and to gather around specific teachers: Ravenclaw Hats to Mr. Moody, Hufflepuff Hats to "Mr." Sprout, Slytherin Hats to Mr. Finnegan, and Gryffindor Hats to Mr. Snape. Snape is a mysterious but dapperly dressed man with neatly trimmed chest hair and elegant black shoes.
Thus ends Chapter 7.
I don't have time right now to talk about it. I might come back, later... It seems moot to discuss it. Everyone seems to be in consensus that it's consciously satirical. I'm not so sure... because I know people who think these things and talk this way. I was exposed to a lot of it as a child. It's completely feasible to me that this could be real. It might not be in this case, but there are things about this fic that make me think a number of people I know could proudly write something almost the same.
As far as it existing, I don't really have any problem with what people want to write in their fan fic. There's an audience for everything.
ETA: I will say that if it's serious, then this woman's children still will not have read Harry Potter or anything remotely similar to it. I don't really understand the logic there.