Scenes from a hat!

Kaiser-Kun

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5. Do we really need to mount the turkey's head in the wall along with the others?


Dialogues with the dumbest kids in Santa's lap
 

Robbert

Practical experience FTW
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1. "Santa, I want more presents than my naughty sisters get, okay?"

"But since naughty and/or greedy children don't get anything, what would be more than nothing?"

"I dunno!"

"I'm sorry, child. What were you saying?"

"Nothing!"

"There you are!"
 

druid12000

You're out of your tree...
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2. Santa: What do you want for Christmas little boy?
Boy: You're ugly.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Seriously, what do you want for Christmas kid?
Boy: You have really beady eyes and baaaad breath. Have you been drinking?
Santa: Look you little brat, tell me what you want for Christmas so we can move on, ok?
Boy: If you touch me inappropriately I'll tell my Dad and he'll kick your butt.
Santa: (face turning red) What. Do. You. Want. For. Christmas. Little. Boy? And you better give me an answer or you're out of here...
Boy: You smell like farts.
Santa: That's it, see ya kid (hands boy off to elf). *whispers to elf: He's getting a black blanket welcome when I come to his house*
 

Kaiser-Kun

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3. And I don't care how single your mom is, you're still getting coal!
 

druid12000

You're out of your tree...
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4. Santa: What would you like for Christmas little boy?
Boy: Saltlicks for each of your reindeer. You can give 'em to them when you get to my house so they know they're from me.
Santa: Well, that's very nice of you, but what would you like.
Boy: Steadier aim.
 

Diver

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Kid: “Your last year’s present was broke!”

Santa: “But it was a balloon!”

Kid: “It didn’t inflate.

Santa: “Impossible. Rudolph tests all presents before delivery.”

Kid: “It didn’t inflate. I tried stretching it and sucking it and I also put it in the drier.”

Santa: “Did you actually blow it?”

Kid: “Oh, yes. I even put nails and crackers in it, but then the microwave you gave my mom broke too!”


Five alternative uses for a fork.
 

poetinahat

say it loud
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3. Aussie Rules goalposts for ants
 

Robbert

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4. Cleaning one's toenails
 

Kaiser-Kun

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5. Scoop during brain transplants


Unexpected twists at Kaiser's wedding next year
 

archerjoe

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2. The minster says to KK: "I was going to tell you the keys to a happy marriage but considering how well you hang on to your keys, I'll tell your lovely bride instead."
 

Kzordcid

I rite good
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5. Kaiser pulls a Ross and says the wrong name during his vows.

Bad things to say to your favorite author at their book signing.
 

Zeddo

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2. I think you really needed more action and more colorful characters, so I've re-written all the dull parts. Could you take a quick look and maybe we could get together on putting out a revised edition?
 

sciencewarrior

It's alive!
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3. I wanted to buy your books, but they are too expensive! That's why I just download and read them in my Retina iPad.
 

archerjoe

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4. After I read your book, I remembered I totally had that same idea a long time ago. Now I can't write it because it'll look like I was copying you. You owe me some royalties.
 

poetinahat

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1. "I see a little silhouetto of a man..."