[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

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InspectorFarquar

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Nothing wrong with the sentences, per se. It's clear where we are and what's going on. It just doesn't feel right to me. First, there's a blocking problem: if the rail is protecting his face from the screaming wind, then he just vomited straight into it. But mainly, I'm wondering why he's running around on a slick deck, determined to vomit neatly (despite the raging storm) into the sea, when he could be curled up around a bucket below decks.

I have the same objection.

Or, if there are no buckets below deck, why wouldn't he just hurl anywhere on deck? Presumably it'll be scrubbed clean by the wind and water within moments.
 

Lauram6123

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I have the same objection.

Or, if there are no buckets below deck, why wouldn't he just hurl anywhere on deck? Presumably it'll be scrubbed clean by the wind and water within moments.

Well I explain it a few paragraphs down in the scene. Everyone on the ship is throwing up, and the smell is so vile he prefers the wind and the rain.
 

LilyJade

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Another try! Now if this one sucks, I blame my sleepy and sick brain (yay kidney infections).

I tucked the strands of long hair that had been blowen into my eyes behind my ear as I stood silent and hidden in the deepest of shadows. The winds were stronger then normal, meaning Terra was reacting to something, but for now I had to push those worries to the back of my mind. Instead, I focused on the couple on the other side of the street as I wondered if the woman knew that she was making out with a Nightmare.
 

jcwriter

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With some editing and a couple of corrections, this works for me:

I tucked the strands of long hair that had been blowen into my eyes behind my ear as I stood silent and hidden in the deepest of shadows. The winds were stronger then than normal, meaning Terra was reacting to something, but for now I had to pushed those worries to the back of my mind. Instead, I focused on the couple on the other side of across the street as I and wondered if the woman knew that she was making out with a Nightmare.
 

Katharine Tree

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The second sentence is still the first interesting one. You could have it absorb the first and create a clever literary flourish all at once:

The winds were stronger than normal, meaning Terra was reacting to something, but for now I had to pushed those worries to the back of my mind the way I pushed a strand of loose hair behind my ear. Instead, I focused on the couple on the other side of across the street as and I wondered if the woman knew that she was making out with a Nightmare.
 
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BethS

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This fascinates me, how words, in spite of their dictionary meanings, have different connotations to different people.

I'm curious as to why you think jiggle implies being bounced at a constant and high rate of speed, but not other verbs like jounced or jolted. It doesn't to me at all.

jiggle . And here, too.

Jounce is a sharp, jolting movement. Passengers get jounced when a car is bouncing over potholes. A jiggle is composed of small, wiggly movements. Jello and fat jiggle. Someone can jiggle a camera or jiggle a key in a lock. A nervous man can jiggle his leg. But the movement is too quick and small to accurately describe the experience of driving over randomly scattered potholes.

As I believe Twain said, the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
 
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BethS

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Another try! Now if this one sucks, I blame my sleepy and sick brain (yay kidney infections).

I tucked the strands of long hair that had been blowen into my eyes behind my ear as I stood silent and hidden in the deepest of shadows. The winds were stronger then normal, meaning Terra was reacting to something, but for now I had to push those worries to the back of my mind. Instead, I focused on the couple on the other side of the street as I wondered if the woman knew that she was making out with a Nightmare.

Can't improve on jcwriter's edit.
 

Reziac

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A jiggle is composed of small, wiggly movements. Jello and fat jiggle. Someone can jiggle a camera or jiggle a key in a lock. A nervous man can jiggle his leg. But the movement is too quick and small to accurately describe the experience of driving over randomly scattered potholes.

I could show you plenty of country roads where you'd get jiggled continuously because of washboards and small potholes. Also, the effect depends on your vehicle's suspension: for the same bump, a stiff suspension will jolt while a soft one will merely wobble. (I can't drive my dually on washboardy roads, because it's so stiff it doesn't flex at all and wants to skitter sideways and take your kidneys out to boot, while on the same road, my old truck -- with 1/3rd the suspension -- can go 50mph and you'll barely feel the roughness.)
 

PandaMan

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jiggle . And here, too.

Jounce is a sharp, jolting movement. Passengers get jounced when a car is bouncing over potholes. A jiggle is composed of small, wiggly movements. Jello and fat jiggle. Someone can jiggle a camera or jiggle a key in a lock. A nervous man can jiggle his leg. But the movement is too quick and small to accurately describe the experience of driving over randomly scattered potholes.

As I believe Twain said, the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

I have to disagree with you on this one Beth. I don't see anything in the definition of jiggle that implies a constant motion nor high rate of speed.

Constant agitation isn't required to create a jiggling motion. Just one pothole will do it to someone in a car.

Jump up once and your body will bounce and then jiggle, esp. the fatty parts. It won't last long, but it will jiggle as it tries to reach an equilibrium. It's the shockwave rippling through your body that causes the jiggling motion.

Jounce and jolt and bounce all convey the motion of the people in the car but aren't whimsical. They would rely on other words or images to make it funny. Jiggle is whimsical because it's strongly associated with the fatty (embarrassing) parts of our bodies. Heck, even Jell-o (gelatin) is funny to watch as it jiggles.

The difference isn't as great as between lightning and a lightning bug. It's more subtle than that. It's more like the difference between a laugh and a giggle. :)
 

PandaMan

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Another try! Now if this one sucks, I blame my sleepy and sick brain (yay kidney infections).

I tucked the strands of long hair that had been blowen into my eyes behind my ear as I stood silent and hidden in the deepest of shadows. The winds were stronger then normal, meaning Terra was reacting to something, but for now I had to push those worries to the back of my mind. Instead, I focused on the couple on the other side of the street as I wondered if the woman knew that she was making out with a Nightmare.

Count me as someone who also likes jcwriter's edit.
 

Funaek

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I'm still new to posting in the forum but have been a long time lurker. Here are my three:

Daphne knew there was trouble when she found the kitchen empty and heard her parents' arguing in the library. She had a suspicion that something was wrong that morning as soon as she slid down the hallway in her socks and sniffed the bacon-less air and listened to the sizzle-less quiet. This was definitely not normal.
 

PandaMan

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I'm still new to posting in the forum but have been a long time lurker. Here are my three:

Daphne knew there was trouble when she found the kitchen empty and heard her parents' arguing in the library. She had a suspicion that something was wrong that morning as soon as she slid down the hallway in her socks and sniffed the bacon-less air and listened to the sizzle-less quiet. This was definitely not normal.

Welcome to the thread Funaek!

This is has potential but I think it suffers from a few things.

1) It's repetitious. All the sentences essentially say that something is wrong. I don't think you even need to say that. It's implied that something's wrong.

2) The action and reaction are reversed in your 1st and 2nd sentences. She heard her parents arguing and then she knew something was wrong would be a better way of stating it.

3) "sniffed the bacon-less air and listened to the sizzle-less quiet" - this is an awkward of saying that. You can't smell or hear something that isn't there. You should reword to say she didn't smell or hear these things.

I think you should start with Daphne coming down the stairs first, not smelling or hearing the usual things, then hearing her parents arguing. That would be a build up to something that's wrong.

Hope that helps! Thanks for posting this.
 
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Bing Z

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Daphne knew there was trouble when she found the kitchen empty and heard her parents' arguing in the library. She had a suspicion that something was wrong that morning as soon as she slid down the hallway in her socks and sniffed the bacon-less air and listened to the sizzle-less quiet. This was definitely not normal.
All the three sentences basically say the same thing with different dressing. Maybe you can rearrange them and stifle out some redundancy. Something like (bad example with 4 sentences but 31 words, compares to the original 56 words):

Daphne put on her socks {why socks anyway?} and stepped into the kitchen. Nobody was there and no bacon smell either. Then she heard her parents arguing in the library. Something had gone wrong.
 

atombaby

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Daphne knew there was trouble when she found the kitchen empty and heard her parents' arguing in the library. She had a suspicion that something was wrong that morning as soon as she slid down the hallway in her socks and sniffed the bacon-less air and listened to the sizzle-less quiet. This was definitely not normal.

Like the previous two, I have to agree that they are a bit redundant. In the first sentence, Daphne knows there's something wrong because there is solid proof: she hears her parents arguing. In the second sentence, you're taking us back in time with sensory details, then remind us again that something is off.

I like the concept, I like your descriptions and putting us there with what Daphne sees, hears, and smells. Starting off with those specific details in order would probably be a better approach, e.g. Daphne slid to a stop in the hallway. Instead of hearing sizzling bacon for breakfast, she heard her parents arguing in the library. At such an early hour, this was definitely not normal.

We can always smell bacon! But not for poor Daphne. You're off to a good start though!
 

Funaek

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Thanks to everyone for the advice! Going to work on tweaking these sentences based on the tips here!
 

jcwriter

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Daphne knew there was trouble when she found....

This is throat-clearing. Look ahead in your story for the beat where Daphne encounters her parents' conflict; open there. (e.g., "Daphne knew there was trouble when she found her mother sobbing at the kitchen table...." or whatever.)
 
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Funaek

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Thanks again everyone - reading everyone's posts and getting feedback here make me more excited about writing!

My revised first three:

Daphne slid to a stop in the hallway. Instead of hearing bacon sizzling and eggs cracking in the kitchen, she heard her parents arguing in the library. Daphne’s stomach fluttered in excitement as she crept towards the angry voices behind the door.
 

mrsmig

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Thanks again everyone - reading everyone's posts and getting feedback here make me more excited about writing!

My revised first three:

Daphne slid to a stop in the hallway. Instead of hearing bacon sizzling and eggs cracking in the kitchen, she heard her parents arguing in the library. Daphne’s stomach fluttered in excitement as she crept towards the angry voices behind the door.

Without knowing from the previous iteration that Daphne is in her socks, the first sentence is a little puzzling.

I'll buy the bacon sizzling, but not so much the eggs cracking - it's a brief, subtle noise, even if you're cracking a half-dozen. Maybe substitute another, louder and more lengthy breakfast sound, such as a coffee-maker? I'd also rather you weren't filtering the sounds through Daphne so much (the hearing/heard issue). A quick fix would be Instead of sizzling bacon and the gurgle of the Keurig in the kitchen, she heard her parents arguing. Stomach fluttering with excitement, she crept toward the angry voices behind the library door.

In any case, it's an interesting scenario and I'd read on.
 
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chompers

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Thanks again everyone - reading everyone's posts and getting feedback here make me more excited about writing!

My revised first three:

Daphne slid to a stop in the hallway. Instead of hearing bacon sizzling and eggs cracking in the kitchen, she heard her parents arguing in the library. Daphne’s stomach fluttered in excitement as she crept towards the angry voices behind the door.
I feel like this is kind of out of order or something, although I understand why you did it the way you did. But it threw me off.

Personally I would have chosen another word than "excitement." It sounds like she likes the fact that her parents are arguing. Also, what door is she creeping up to? I know there can be doors into a hallway or to a kitchen, but it's pretty uncommon these days. I would have just said she crept closer toward the voices, and then stopped at that, or having her hide around the corner.

There is nothing truly technically wrong with this passage, so please take my critique with a huge grain of salt. This is personal preference. I can't stomach listening in on parents arguing and so it's put me in a cranky mood.

Verdict: Would not continue.
 
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BethS

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I could show you plenty of country roads where you'd get jiggled continuously because of washboards and small potholes. Also, the effect depends on your vehicle's suspension: for the same bump, a stiff suspension will jolt while a soft one will merely wobble. (I can't drive my dually on washboardy roads, because it's so stiff it doesn't flex at all and wants to skitter sideways and take your kidneys out to boot, while on the same road, my old truck -- with 1/3rd the suspension -- can go 50mph and you'll barely feel the roughness.)

Now a washboard road is different altogether. That one you can jiggle to. And if the potholes so frequent as to be a constant hazard, then I'll concede that can cause some jiggling as well.
 

BethS

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I have to disagree with you on this one Beth. I don't see anything in the definition of jiggle that implies a constant motion nor high rate of speed.

"Quick, short motions/movements"

Constant agitation isn't required to create a jiggling motion. Just one pothole will do it to someone in a car.
Possibly, if there's something there to jiggle. My own experience with driving over potholes has been more like a series of jolts to the spine. Not much jiggling there.

At any rate, the sentence under discussion implied that the jiggling was fairly constant. Or that's the way it seemed to me. And if jiggling is required to create the right whimsical effect, then recast the sentence so that it involves something that causes continuous jiggling, would be my advice. Mentioning a washboard road would do the trick.
 
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Australian River

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jiggle . And here, too.

Jounce is a sharp, jolting movement. Passengers get jounced when a car is bouncing over potholes. A jiggle is composed of small, wiggly movements. Jello and fat jiggle. Someone can jiggle a camera or jiggle a key in a lock. A nervous man can jiggle his leg. But the movement is too quick and small to accurately describe the experience of driving over randomly scattered potholes.

As I believe Twain said, the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Back home, I lived in a house with the WORST access road ever. It was more pothole than road, and every day after work, I jiggled like jello during the 2-minute ride (because I drove slowly as opposed to full speed ahead, which would have created a jolt). I remember the feeling.
 
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BethS

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I'm still new to posting in the forum but have been a long time lurker. Here are my three:

Daphne knew there was trouble when she found the kitchen empty and heard her parents' arguing in the library. She had a suspicion that something was wrong that morning as soon as she slid down the hallway in her socks and sniffed the bacon-less air and listened to the sizzle-less quiet. This was definitely not normal.

This has potential, but it puts events out of order. I think it would be better if you started with the second sentence (a slightly less wordy version: "Daphne suspected something was wrong that morning when she..."), and have her discover the arguing parents in the third one.
 

BethS

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Thanks again everyone - reading everyone's posts and getting feedback here make me more excited about writing!

My revised first three:

Daphne slid to a stop in the hallway. Instead of hearing bacon sizzling and eggs cracking in the kitchen, she heard her parents arguing in the library. Daphne’s stomach fluttered in excitement as she crept towards the angry voices behind the door.

I prefer the wording (for the most part) in the original (with the sentences rearranged, of course). I liked the bacon-less air and the sizzle-less quiet. That made it unique and gave it a voice.

Not sure why she feels excitement about her parents' arguing. Excitement implies eagerness, anticipation.
 
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