Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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mrsmig

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I hope it isn't too soon to start posting lines again... Here's mine:

There was the bleeding mime’s face with its perpetual smile, its star-shaped eyes staring at her from across the street. Caitlin’s skin tingled as she stared back at the white face. Why can’t you guys just stay in my head?

I like this - lots of really interesting detail and tension right off the bat. I'd read on.
 

mrsmig

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And thanks, amergina, for getting us back on track.
 

M J Austwick

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I hope it isn't too soon to start posting lines again... Here's mine:

There was the bleeding mime’s face with its perpetual smile, its star-shaped eyes staring at her from across the street. Caitlin’s skin tingled as she stared back at the white face. Why can’t you guys just stay in my head?

I'm both intrigued and a little unmotivated to follow the various threads you have opened. I suspect the latter is entirely down to my current mood though so we should probably discount that.

The only negative thing I can come up with is that the very opening sounds like the start of a list. I'd definitely read on.

P.S. Amergina, another vote of thanks from me. I'd hate to lose this thread, it is a lot of fun and has proved helpful to me personally.
 

Vella

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I hope it isn't too soon to start posting lines again... Here's mine:

There was the bleeding mime’s face with its perpetual smile, its star-shaped eyes staring at her from across the street. Caitlin’s skin tingled as she stared back at the white face. Why can’t you guys just stay in my head?

...OK, would totally read more of that. I like that the description has quite a lot of detail without bogging the reader down in adjectives. Although, I don't know if this is just me, but I'm wondering if it would flow better without "at the white face" - just "Caitlin's skin tingled as she stared back"? It removes the repetition of "face" in the two sentences. But this certainly isn't a deal-breaker, so I may be totally off and this is only personal opinion, so feel free to ignore me if the advice doesn't fit.

Here are mine for the shark tank of writerly progress: I'm trying something new with this story (big, traumatic event on page 1, rather than non-traumatic, but still important, event on page 1), so I just want to know that these are appropriately enticing:

"The day the house collapsed, Wilom Tris was trapped under a rafter. It cut straight through the wooden table, only narrowly missing his arm. And so there he stayed, curled up, trapped between the table legs and pieces of his family home."
 

BethS

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I hope it isn't too soon to start posting lines again... Here's mine:

There was the bleeding mime’s face with its perpetual smile, its star-shaped eyes staring at her from across the street. Caitlin’s skin tingled as she stared back at the white face. Why can’t you guys just stay in my head?

Ummm...is the mime literally bleeding? Or is this UK slang? I took it literally at first.

Instead of opening the first sentence with the rather toothless "there was," be more direct. "From across the street, the bleeding mime watched her with its star-shaped eyes and perpetual smile." Or something like that.

Anyway, the third sentence is what makes this interesting, so I'd read on to see what happens next.
 

mrsmig

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"The day the house collapsed, Wilom Tris was trapped under a rafter. It cut straight through the wooden table, only narrowly missing his arm. And so there he stayed, curled up, trapped between the table legs and pieces of his family home."


There are a few tweaks I think you can make to this, but otherwise it's quite nice. When I read the first phrase, I got the impression that you were going to get to the collapse after you'd done more setting up, so I was a little surprised that you jumped right into it. "The day the house collapsed" could be replaced by "When the house collapsed" and give a sense of immediacy to the action.

I think you can lose "only" in the second sentence.

I'm having a little difficulty picturing what actually happened with the rafter and what Wilom's current situation is. If the rafter "cut through" the table, how is it still on its legs? (Would "pierced" be a better word?) Unless Wilom was under the table before the collapse, I can't figure out how he (and his arm) got there.

I'd read on.
 

craze_

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I hope it isn't too soon to start posting lines again... Here's mine:

There was the bleeding mime’s face with its perpetual smile, its star-shaped eyes staring at her from across the street. Caitlin’s skin tingled as she stared back at the white face. Why can’t you guys just stay in my head?

Close the last sentence with quotes.
 

Ari Meermans

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Not if it's a thought. If the character is just thinking that rather than vocalizing it, it's perfectly acceptable to remain as is, with the caveat that the convention used stays consistent throughout the ms and conforms to House standards.
 
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BethS

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"The day the house collapsed, Wilom Tris was trapped under a rafter. It cut straight through the wooden table, only narrowly missing his arm. And so there he stayed, curled up, trapped between the table legs and pieces of his family home."

When I read "The day the house collapsed" I expected something along the lines of: "The day the house collapsed, Wilom stayed home from school" or "The day the house collapsed, Wilom was running late for work." But instead, we get what happened in the first moments after the house collapsed rather than what the situation was the day it collapsed. So the two halves of that sentence don't go together.

Beyond that, this feels as if I've walked into the middle of something without quite enough context. You say he was trapped under the rafters, then mention "the" wooden table (what table? kitchen table?), and then repeat the fact that he's trapped.

So to me it feels rushed, disjointed, and awkward. If you're going to start with "The day the house collapsed," take time to set things up. That's your hook right there; you don't need to immediately jump to the collapse. Describe what leads up to it.
 

PandaMan

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There was the bleeding mime’s face with its perpetual smile, its star-shaped eyes staring at her from across the street. Caitlin’s skin tingled as she stared back at the white face. Why can’t you guys just stay in my head?

I like this but it wasn't clear to me who "her" referred to in the first sentence. After reading the second I assume it's Caitlin. I'd switch the "her" in the first sentence with "Caitlin" in the second to clear that up.

Also, starting out with "there was" is pretty weak. You have other stronger verbs to work with.

The bleeding mime's face with its perpetual smile and star-shaped eyes stared at Caitlin from across the street.

The third sentence is what's grabbing my interest. Nice job.
 

BethS

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TIO is a forum in the Break Room section of AW. It stands for Take it Outside, I believe.

It's where derails and flamewars go to die.

Ah. Thanks. Obviously I need to get out of my little corner here more often.
 
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craze_

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Not if it's a thought. If the character is just thinking that rather than vocalizing it, it's perfectly acceptable to remain as is, with the caveat that the convention used stays consistent throughout the ms.

True.

For some reason, I couldn't get this intro out of my head. It's a good one.

Since the thought is a separate idea, though, I'd start another paragraph with it. I was going to suggest tagging it because of how early on it is, but that's a stylistic choice, I guess.
 
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Russ Mars

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:Wha: Not on any version of the internet I've ever seen.
Oh, you're quite right. You may have been born post-internet. I wasn't. I remember how humans acted pre-internet and pre-reality shows (humans encouraged to behave badly). ;)
 

Wilde_at_heart

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I like this but it wasn't clear to me who "her" referred to in the first sentence. After reading the second I assume it's Caitlin. I'd switch the "her" in the first sentence with "Caitlin" in the second to clear that up.

Also, starting out with "there was" is pretty weak. You have other stronger verbs to work with.

The bleeding mime's face with its perpetual smile and star-shaped eyes stared at Caitlin from across the street.

The third sentence is what's grabbing my interest. Nice job.

Or the bleeding mime's star-shaped eyes stared at Kaitline from across the street, its face in a perpetual smile...

I agree about the 'there was' and naming any MC straight away, otherwise, an excellent opening.
 

Dysnomia

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Thank you all for your feedback! Glad it managed to hook somewhat.

I guess I will go along with Wide_at_heart's suggestion and then that will eliminate the repetition of 'face' as well. Will definitely name the MC in the first sentence too. (...Don't know how I overlooked this when I was thinking so hard of how should I introduce the MC right at the get-go...)

Ummm...is the mime literally bleeding? Or is this UK slang? I took it literally at first.

The blood looks painted at first, but Caitlin later finds out that the blood is real. Didn't know there's a UK slang for this, though... Thank you for your head's up!
 

Dysnomia

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When I read "The day the house collapsed" I expected something along the lines of: "The day the house collapsed, Wilom stayed home from school" or "The day the house collapsed, Wilom was running late for work." But instead, we get what happened in the first moments after the house collapsed rather than what the situation was the day it collapsed. So the two halves of that sentence don't go together.

I agree with this. Maybe try "When the house collapsed..."? And perhaps you could remove the second trap to avoid repetition, like how I did it below. (Haha, looks like we both made the mistake of repetition in our first 3 sentences...)

And so there he stayed, curled up, trapped between the table legs and pieces of his family home."

Overall, I'd read on to find out what had happened to the house.
 

Drachen Jager

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Didn't know there's a UK slang for this, though... Thank you for your head's up!

'Bloody' or 'bleeding' in UK slang is like 'damn' in the US, a bit milder than 'f&%king'.

Who parked their damn car in my spot again!

Who parked their bleeding car in my bloody spot again!

It's a mild-ish expletive, probably one of the most commonly used if UK television is any indication.
 

Dysnomia

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'Bloody' or 'bleeding' in UK slang is like 'damn' in the US, a bit milder than 'f&%king'.

Who parked their damn car in my spot again!

Who parked their bleeding car in my bloody spot again!

It's a mild-ish expletive, probably one of the most commonly used if UK television is any indication.

Ahh okay! Knew bloody, but didn't know bleeding was too. Thank you for the info!
 

Vella

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I'm having a little difficulty picturing what actually happened with the rafter and what Wilom's current situation is. If the rafter "cut through" the table, how is it still on its legs? (Would "pierced" be a better word?) Unless Wilom was under the table before the collapse, I can't figure out how he (and his arm) got there.

I'd read on.

That is correct - Wilom was under the table when the rafter fell. I figured it was probably one of the only ways he'd actually live through the experience... but yeah, probably need to make this clearer.

When I read "The day the house collapsed" I expected something along the lines of: "The day the house collapsed, Wilom stayed home from school" or "The day the house collapsed, Wilom was running late for work." But instead, we get what happened in the first moments after the house collapsed rather than what the situation was the day it collapsed. So the two halves of that sentence don't go together.

Beyond that, this feels as if I've walked into the middle of something without quite enough context. You say he was trapped under the rafters, then mention "the" wooden table (what table? kitchen table?), and then repeat the fact that he's trapped.

So to me it feels rushed, disjointed, and awkward. If you're going to start with "The day the house collapsed," take time to set things up. That's your hook right there; you don't need to immediately jump to the collapse. Describe what leads up to it.

Hm. OK, I'll have another look, see what I can do to make it less jarring. Do you think it's possible to keep it as 'in medias res' as it can be and smooth it over?
 

LJ Hall

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Okay, I've been reworking the beginning of this chapter for a while now. Feedback appreciated. <3


The worst thing about midnight in Seattle wasn't the throngs of people - tourists and locals both - clogging up downtown sidewalks hoping to spot a vampire. It wasn’t the smells that came with those crowds: cologne, body odor, cigarette smoke, coffee steam, one on top of the other threatening to make Maggie physically sick every time she drew a breath.

It was the light.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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'Bloody' or 'bleeding' in UK slang is like 'damn' in the US, a bit milder than 'f&%king'.

Who parked their damn car in my spot again!

Who parked their bleeding car in my bloody spot again!

It's a mild-ish expletive, probably one of the most commonly used if UK television is any indication.

'Bloody' is very common, and considered mild these days (at least compared to the f-bomb) but still not very nice language. Mostly heard in sentences like 'Oh, bloody hell' or 'I can't get the bloody thing to work...' etc.

'Bleeding' is much less common, and most associated with certain London accents (stereotypically or not). I think this one is really on it's way out. Would probably be used in the exact same sentences as above, but immediately evokes a south-east regional dialect.

And to be honest, both words in the two examples above have been largely replaced with the much more offensive 'f*cking', at least among the young and less conservative society.

Anyhoo, sorry if that was a thread derail. I agree that the use of 'bloody' in the above exerpt made me question for a second whether it was a curse word of just an adjective, but I'd be less inclined to wonder if I knew it was by an American author.
 

oakbark

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Still roughing it, which often means pretty long sentences for me:

Everyone seemed to know emotions like love and hatred and pride... but to Radovan it was all a blank. He wanted to understand emotion and tried to live like everyone else, but all he ever got was a quickened pulse because something important was about to happen. Like killing someone in a public place with an axe.
 
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