[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

Peace Walker said:

... I guess I'll post one of mine...

Long ago, in a vast, snow-hushed country of climbing pines and stony sky, a young man was lead led in chains to dig his own grave.

The guards came for the prisoner before the dawn of a midwinter morning. He had been sleeping on the earthen floor of his cell, peacefully as his quarters allowed, with his knees curled to his chest and his hands folded beneath his cheek.​

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There's something about the voice and the writing that I really love here. The "climbing pines and stony sky" is poetry. I wouldn't change a thing, except the spelling of "lead."


ETA: Please put away the chainsaw. Don't try to fix what isn't broken. Yes, it takes a step back in time in the second sentence. Doesn't matter in this case, because it works. The first sentence acts as a general set-up; the second one takes the reader straight into the details of the event. It's a time-honored device and nothing at all wrong with it.

Apologies for my absence, I work stretches of 12+ hour days, so have little time to relax, let alone write. I reworked my three sentence edit:


Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. He ruminated on his final autumn as a Watcher, replaced soon by a new protector. As he waited to begin his ritual, he watched his shadow inch back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

Peace Walker,
If I picked up a book and read those lines, I would keep reading. I love the imagery.

I do think referring to sleeping in a cell peacefully seems odd, BUT, if you explain his state of mind in the next sentences, then leave it.

Peace Walker said:

... I guess I'll post one of mine...

Long ago, in a vast, snow-hushed country of climbing pines and stony sky, a young man was lead in chains to dig his own grave.

The guards came for the prisoner before the dawn of a midwinter morning. He had been sleeping on the earthen floor of his cell, peacefully as his quarters allowed, with his knees curled to his chest and his hands folded beneath his cheek.​

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Oh my goodness, I would totally read this for the first line alone. (But yes, cut the long ago.) And I am a reader who would LOVE an introspective opening. So go with your gut.

Phrenic said:

Apologies for my absence, I work stretches of 12+ hour days, so have little time to relax, let alone write. I reworked my three sentence edit:


Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. He ruminated on his final autumn as a Watcher, replaced soon by a new protector. As he waited to begin his ritual, he watched his shadow inch back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

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I quite like the imagery in this, but I think it would be stronger if you removed some of the filtering language ("he ruminated," "he watched"). Also, I think the tense is off in the second sentence: should it be "soon to be replaced by...?"

Consider as an alternative:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher. As he waited to begin his ritual, his shadow inched back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

mrsmig said:

Is there a reason you're not starting with the ritual? That would be far more interesting.

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The ritual is a bit of a setup, because I think some setting is needed for the reader to understand.
Okay, let me stop obfuscating, and cut to the meat.

The Mother Tree provides vitality to the Land through magic via the leaves which never shed. Kalonta is a watcher, who must every morning count the leaves. In order to count, he drinks rainwater that drips off the leaves into a clay cistern. With the magically infused water ingested, he can now sense every leaf (as well as other enhancements) and you guessed it, one is missing.

So, my problem, I want to show some serenity in the current setting, have Kalonta dance as a gift to Ichocomar, drink the water, and have his world flipped upside down.

Thanks for your thoughts.

beckethm said:

I quite like the imagery in this, but I think it would be stronger if you removed some of the filtering language ("he ruminated," "he watched"). Also, I think the tense is off in the second sentence: should it be "soon to be replaced by...?"

Consider as an alternative:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher. As he waited to begin his ritual, his shadow inched back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

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Wow, Before I re-submitted this rewrite, I had written the last sentence exactly that way, then mucked with it. Thank you for the edit.

Also, I did have "soon to be replaced by a new protector" but I brought out the chainsaw. We are on the same wavelength.

A better edited rewrite:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher, soon to be replaced by a new protector. As he waited, his shadow inched back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

Phrenic said:

A better edited rewrite:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the morning sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher, soon to be replaced by a new protector. As he waited, his shadow inch back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

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I like the re-write. A little more concise, a bit faster paced. It feels more like it's leading towards action, whereas the previous version seemed as though it was going to lead into an introspection/remembrance of his life.

Obviously, I much prefer the new version. The first didn't grab me, but the second makes me want to read on a bit to see what it's building up to, because I trust that there will be something important happening within the next few pages.

Phrenic said:

A better edited rewrite:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the morning sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher, soon to be replaced by a new protector. As he waited, his shadow inched back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

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I like this. Although I kind of want 'that saddened him' part to be more 'shown' like saying his heart ached or something, but obviously more interesting.

Phrenic said:

A better edited rewrite:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher, soon to be replaced by a new protector. As he waited, his shadow inched back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

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This is much better than your first post. It feels like it's inching the reader forward. I'm not so sure about the last sentence. Using the tree's name twice seems a bit much and I got the feeling of sadness in "his final autumn". I think you could do a bit more with it.

phantasy said:

I like this. Although I kind of want 'that saddened him' part to be more 'shown' like saying his heart ached or something, but obviously more interesting.

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Thanks Qui Amat Scribere and phantasy. What do you think of this?

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher, soon to be replaced by a new protector. He waited until his shadow inched back toward him, away from Ichocomar; it was time.


I agree, phantasy, but I decided to remove that emotion for now.

lacygnette said:

This is much better than your first post. It feels like it's inching the reader forward. I'm not so sure about the last sentence. Using the tree's name twice seems a bit much and I got the feeling of sadness in "his final autumn". I think you could do a bit more with it.

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Thanks, regarding your two points.
1) I could replace the 2nd name with 'Her', but it doesn't sound right, how about the Mother?

2) I will take phantasy's and your advice, let me know what you think.

After suggestions:


Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher, soon to be replaced by a new protector. He waited until his shadow inched back toward him, away from the Mother; it was time, though his heart ached.

Phrenic said:

Apologies for my absence, I work stretches of 12+ hour days, so have little time to relax, let alone write. I reworked my three sentence edit:


Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. He ruminated on his final autumn as a Watcher, replaced soon by a new protector. As he waited to begin his ritual, he watched his shadow inch back toward him, away from Ichocomar, and that saddened him.

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Hi there Phrenic. I liked what you wrote. In my opinion, the two verbs (waking, stretching) so close together made this line not feel very active or present. If it were me, I'd either put a period after hide, and begin a new sentence, with stretched... or link it with "as" and stretched. The timing also felt strange with the words "ruminated on." This might be the feeling you are going for. It felt like a video camera slowly focusing on the scene. For me, however, the slowness of the focus means I'm not invested yet.

It was a great visual.

mrsmig said:

Phrenic, it's rarely of much use to do rewrites immediately after receiving a crit (you've done four today). Let the crits come in, mull them all over for a day or two and then take your time rewriting them before posting again

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I completely agree with that. Give yourself a bit of time away from it, breathe, then come back and ask yourself: what do I want the reader to feel? What should the reader know so early on, and how should she/ he feel about it?

On that note, I like native american stories, and that sounds like this is one of them, so straight away it makes me want to read (but then maybe I am wrong?). I do think you need to rephrase / restructure your text to remove the repeat, and using 'the Mother' still does that. Using the name of the tree again is better as the Mother can make it confusing, as Mother in this case could be two things: the tree and a woman who is a mother.

As mrsmig said, read all the comments and make sure you understand what the posters meant, then step away from all this, work on something else. When your mind feels fresh, go back to this beginning and see what can be done. DO NOT write it so that it pleases folks here, but thinking about feeling you need to awake in your reader, and then you might please the folks here as a side effect.

When you are done, I hope you will post a longer sample, I would like to know more.

Thanks for the last several comments and forgive my exuberance. Unfortunately, I'm not in a writing group, so all the advice given has been a treasure trove to me.

I will take a step back and digest everyone's comments. I do think my writing has tightened and can't wait to re-write the chapter from what I've learned so far.

Peace Walker said:

... I guess I'll post one of mine...

Long ago, in a vast, snow-hushed country of climbing pines and stony sky, a young man was lead in chains to dig his own grave.

The guards came for the prisoner before the dawn of a midwinter morning. He had been sleeping on the earthen floor of his cell, peacefully as his quarters allowed, with his knees curled to his chest and his hands folded beneath his cheek.​

Click to expand...

I love it. I'd keep on reading.

Phrenic said:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, the waking sun stretching his shadow across the sacred ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. This would be his final autumn as a Watcher, soon to be replaced by a new protector. He waited until his shadow inched back toward him, away from Ichocomar; it was time.

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I think the previous version was better. I liked the bit about him being saddened.

This:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, as the waking sun stretched his shadow across the holy ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. He swallowed hard, knowing this day to be his last as a Watcher. He waited until his shadow inched back toward him, away from Her; it was time to begin, though his heart wept.

Phrenic said:

This:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, as the waking sun stretcheding his shadow across the holy ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. He swallowed hard; knowingthis day was to be his last as a Watcher. He waited until When his shadow inched back toward him, away from Her, it was time to begin, though his heart wept.

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Some editing suggestions to smooth it out, make the time transition clearer, and to avoid having yet another sentence begin with "he."

Phrenic said:

This:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, as the waking sun stretched his shadow across the holy ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. He swallowed hard, knowing this day to be his last as a Watcher. He waited until his shadow inched back toward him, away from Her; it was time to begin, though his heart wept.

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I quite like BethS' suggestions. And on the whole this works for me. My one caveat is that "his heart wept" makes me cringe. Too sentimental. Can you go back to "saddened"?

Phrenic said:

This:

Kalonta sat cross-legged on a buffalo hide, as the waking sun stretched his shadow across the holy ground toward Ichocomar, the Mother Tree. He swallowed hard, knowing this day to be his last as a Watcher. He waited until his shadow inched back toward him, away from Her; it was time to begin, though his heart wept.

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I like it a lot! I admire your dedication to your craft. How far are you into the story? Have you finished?

I like the length of time suggested by "he waited," but think the two sentences starting with "he" in a row should be changed. But if you haven't finished your story I'd leave it as it is until editing.