- Joined
- Aug 27, 2014
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Next summer, I'm coming to a crossroads.
For years, my dream was to work for a certain organization after graduating college. I devoted myself to preparing and applying, physically and mentally. I thought about it constantly, imagining myself in the ranks, in the uniform, in the thick of it all. And through extremely narrow chances, I made it in.
Next summer - six years later - I'll leave the organization. As much as I was sure I'd make a career out of it, and as much as I've tried to love it and be passionate about it, it's not working. I don't feel like I've wasted those years, but the experience of working so hard for something only to realize it will never be what I expected or hoped or dreamed has left me kind of bitter and, frankly, heartbroken. Like loving someone for years only to eventually realize they don't, and will never, love you back.
On the one hand, I'm excited for the new beginning next summer. But a constant nagging thought pops up - what if I start working toward something else only to find out after all the blood, sweat, and tears that it's another dead end? I don't mind hard work, but I'd like to get a satisfying result from all that labor.
I suppose the dream of getting published is a bit different - I will still write, no matter what. I've always loved stories. The new goal on the horizon is to one day be able to support myself from writing*. But I'd hate to summit that mountain, after clawing my way up for ten years, only to look around and realize it wasn't where I wanted to be at all.
Maybe I need to plan less, but my fire comes from staring down that goal on the horizon. Isn't there a saying about pessimists being the truest optimists? Something about, "if you expect the worst, things always seem to turn out great."
Anyone else encountered a situation like this? How did/do you deal?
I reckon it'll get better with time - I'm hoping it's just anxiety about the future pushing my negative inner voice into overdrive.
*Just so no one thinks I'm completely wreckless, I'm not pulling the dreaded "Newbie Quits Job to Write Full-Time." Yes, I'll write, but I also plan to work random jobs and supplement with money I've saved/invested.
For years, my dream was to work for a certain organization after graduating college. I devoted myself to preparing and applying, physically and mentally. I thought about it constantly, imagining myself in the ranks, in the uniform, in the thick of it all. And through extremely narrow chances, I made it in.
Next summer - six years later - I'll leave the organization. As much as I was sure I'd make a career out of it, and as much as I've tried to love it and be passionate about it, it's not working. I don't feel like I've wasted those years, but the experience of working so hard for something only to realize it will never be what I expected or hoped or dreamed has left me kind of bitter and, frankly, heartbroken. Like loving someone for years only to eventually realize they don't, and will never, love you back.
On the one hand, I'm excited for the new beginning next summer. But a constant nagging thought pops up - what if I start working toward something else only to find out after all the blood, sweat, and tears that it's another dead end? I don't mind hard work, but I'd like to get a satisfying result from all that labor.
I suppose the dream of getting published is a bit different - I will still write, no matter what. I've always loved stories. The new goal on the horizon is to one day be able to support myself from writing*. But I'd hate to summit that mountain, after clawing my way up for ten years, only to look around and realize it wasn't where I wanted to be at all.
Maybe I need to plan less, but my fire comes from staring down that goal on the horizon. Isn't there a saying about pessimists being the truest optimists? Something about, "if you expect the worst, things always seem to turn out great."
Anyone else encountered a situation like this? How did/do you deal?
I reckon it'll get better with time - I'm hoping it's just anxiety about the future pushing my negative inner voice into overdrive.
*Just so no one thinks I'm completely wreckless, I'm not pulling the dreaded "Newbie Quits Job to Write Full-Time." Yes, I'll write, but I also plan to work random jobs and supplement with money I've saved/invested.